Chapter 21

"Stop tellingme he's fucking safe, Jace!" I snapped, not caring if I drew the attention of every person in the neurosurgery wing. I did feel bad for startling the nurse sitting behind the counter I was currently using to support as much of my pained body as I could. I mouthed an apology to her and then closed my eyes so I could try and focus on my breathing.

Jace must have recognized the breathing technique I'd been taught just days earlier as a tool to try and fight off my pain. My entire body was shaking and my shirt was sticking to my skin because of how badly I was sweating. I gave up on the breathing technique because I couldn't focus on anything but my body's need for relief—in the form of a full bottle of any kind of alcohol and an endless supply of pretty little white pills.

Despite being able to taste the alcohol at the back of my throat, there was no warmth spreading out from my stomach to the rest of my body. There was no quiet, no peace because just like the alcohol, they were no longer a part of my life.

I could practically hear the addict in me laughing his ass off. God, how was I going to do this?

"Get him a wheelchair, please," I heard Jace softly say. His words reminded me of where I was and what I was supposed to be doing.

"I don't need a damn wheelchair," I barked, all my frustration and anger flaring to life again. I shifted my eyes from the countertop and searched out the most recent doctor who'd been brought in to poke and prod at me. "Just get me the AMA form!"

I lost sight of the man because Jace once again got in my face.

"So what, you're just going to walk out of here?" he bit out. "Then what? Does your dealer make house calls or do you need to go to him?"

Under any other circumstances, I would have appreciated Jace's concern, but I didn't give a shit about myself. I'd given Jace more than three weeks of my life and what had it gotten me? Sure, I was technically clean since the only pain meds I got were administered and monitored by a doctor, but what was the point? I had a year, maybe two before the shrapnel took the pain away for good, along with the use of part or even all of my body.

"Fuck this," I muttered. I didn't need to throw myself a pity parade. The VA hospital was full of stories far more horrific than my own. I'd seen firsthand how hard former members of every branch of the military were fighting to live a normal life under much worse circumstances than my own.

I turned my back on Jace and began making my way to the elevator which, unfortunately, was more than a few steps away. I continued to lean heavily on the counter because I knew I'd need every bit of strength I had to stay upright when I got to the end of it.

Fear began to plague me as I put one foot in front of the other. The adrenaline helped me with my balance when I was forced to let go of the counter, but how long would it last?

What if he was gone?

What if he'd left the safety of my house and had just disappeared?

It had been more than a week since I'd last spoken to Silver. Our conversations had been stilted and short. I had no way of reading Silver through a goddamn phone. There were no words I could say to reassure him he wasn't a prisoner again. I'd told Jace and Ronan that big men in dark clothing who were carrying a lot of firepower could easily trigger Silver and cause him to panic. He'd accused me more than once of setting him up to be grabbed by Jace and the people he worked with.

God, I needed to feel his touch. I needed to hear his voice. I needed to tell him so many things. I needed to taste him again. I needed to hear the whimpers he made when I kissed him. I needed him to kiss me back. I needed him to tell me we were okay even though I knew we weren't. I needed…

I just fucking needed him.

"Dalton," I heard Jace call in frustration. I ignored him. As grateful as I was to him for everything he'd done, I hated him for what he hadn't done.

Told the truth.

I was a junkie, but I wasn't stupid. Jace and Ronan had been telling me Silver was safe after he'd stopped taking my phone calls. I'd recognized the stall tactic for what it was—both men had wanted me to stay at the VA for as long as possible, not only for my sobriety but to deal with my medical issues as well.

Silver didn't go silent without a reason. He'd had the balls to confront me directly about my addiction and he'd been bold enough to water down my whiskey. The man had fucking stripped in a public parking lot so he could get away from my thoughtless words and dismissive attitude.

"Please," I whispered to myself. Tears pricked the backs of my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. The image of opening the door to my empty house hit me so hard that my knees threatened to buckle. How was it that just weeks ago I'd been eager to leave Jace's sister's funeral just so I could get to my empty house?

So I could be alone again.

The way I liked it.

The way it had always been.

"Just let him be there," I murmured under my breath. I repeated the chant every time I put one foot in front of the other.

"Dalton."

I came to an abrupt stop, ignoring the fire that burned down my spine in response to the sudden move. I shook my head in denial even as I carefully turned around. I was hearing things. I had to be. My mind was taking me to a place where I didn't have to deal with the pain and despair of being left behind again. Even when my eyes met his, I wouldn't allow myself to believe it.

"Dalton," Silver repeated softly. He was standing by the counter that I'd been leaning against only minutes earlier. I drank in the sight of him as he began walking toward me. I didn't move. I didn't breathe. I couldn't. If I did, I might wake up. I would be forced to return to reality.

It wasn't until Silver's arms wrapped around me that my mind began to accept the truth. I let out a harsh breath and closed my arms around him. The relief of having Silver in my arms again after what had seemed like a lifetime was so overwhelming that I couldn't help but lower my head to his shoulder. The adrenaline rush I'd been on crashed so hard and fast that I thought it would surely take me to my knees, but Silver must have felt something in the way I was holding myself because his arms tightened around me. I buried my face against his neck and tried to take in everything I could. His scent, his touch, the way he ran his fingers through my hair, the gentle caress of his lips just behind my ear. I had at least six inches and fifty pounds on him, yet I was the one clinging to him like a helpless child.

"It's okay, Dalton. I've got you," Silver whispered into my ear. "Just hang on to me."

So that was what I did.

I hung on to him when he turned and slipped his arm around my waist so he could support my weight like he had so many times at my house. I hung on to him while he led me back toward the nurses' station. I hung on to him as I let out a soft chuckle.

"What?" Silver asked curiously. I could feel the smile on his face.

"I thought I made it a lot farther," I said on a sigh. The crashing adrenaline along with the relief of finally seeing Silver, touching him, made it feel like I had cement blocks tied to my feet. I tried to keep as much of my weight off Silver's shoulder as I could but with wave after wave of exhaustion washing over me, I didn't know if I'd managed to ease the physical burden on him.

I was in a fog for what came next. At one point I was sitting, then I was lying down. Everything got heavy and I gave up on trying to keep my eyes open. It didn't matter because Silver never once let go of me.

Not once.

And as the last few moments of awareness faded into sleep, I knew in my heart that he never would.

I heardthe familiar beeping sound first—the annoying one that told everyone whether you were alive or not. Then I felt the warmth.

So much perfect warmth.

It was centered around my chest and abdomen.

There was a soft weight on the inside of my upper arm and the familiar sting of a needle on the back of my hand. It was easy to identify the second one. After all, I'd had enough IVs to last a lifetime. But the first one, the soft weight, I wasn't as sure about. It could have been a blood pressure cuff, but it didn't quite feel like it. I'd had plenty of those in my lifetime too.

Soft hair tickled my arm and then the silkiest of breaths caressed my neck.

Then I knew. He'd stayed.

Silver had stayed.

And not just stayed in the sense that he'd stayed in the room or even next to the bed. No, he'd stayed much closer than that.

He was in the bed with me.

His presence should have made the already too small hospital bed feel uncomfortably snug, but it was the exact opposite. Even with our arms wrapped around one another as we lay face to face, he wasn't close enough.

Although I'd memorized everything about his face from the moment we'd met, I hadn't gotten a chance to commit the feel of it to memory yet. I carefully removed the arm I had around his waist and used my fingers to brush the heavy locks of hair off his face. Something about his hair was a little different, though it took me a moment to figure out what it was. His hair was still the same gorgeous golden-brown color, and it might have grown a little bit since I'd last seen him, but it no longer shone like it used to. The overhead lights weren't exactly flattering, even at the dim level they were currently at, but his hair still had a certain dullness to it.

I shifted my eyes lower and saw that his normally pale skin looked even more ashen than usual. I skimmed my fingers along his cheek. I didn't have to feel it to know that his cheekbone was more prominent than it had been before, but it was still startling to actually feel the sharpness of the bone. I kept stroking his cheek as I took in the rest of what I could see.

The puffy, shadowed skin below his closed eyes was proof that he hadn't been sleeping and that he'd likely been crying.

A lot.

I'ddone that to him. I'd made him cry. And from the pallor of his skin to the prominence of his bones, it was clear he hadn't been eating. I slid my hand softly along his side and then closed my eyes in shame. His ribs felt like they were just beneath the skin with no muscle or fat to protect them. Silver had always been on the thin side, but shedding pounds was the last thing he needed.

There was no way to tell how much weight he'd lost overall, but it didn't matter. I'd done that to him too. I could have tried to place the blame on Jace for not taking better care of Silver, but it would have been a lie. Jace or Ronan or any one of the men watching the house could have gotten Silver anything he wanted to eat or even tempted him with the best junk food in the world, but they wouldn't have been able to make him eat. The only consolation that kept me from waking him up at that very moment so he could eat something was the fact that Ronan had been the one who'd brought him to me, and if the surgeon had thought for even a second that Silver was in immediate danger due to his lack of calories, he would have done something about it. Jace too. Over the past few weeks, my best friend had come to understand how important Silver was to me, and he wouldn't have let Silver get to a point where he became seriously ill from not eating.

I sighed as I mentally added to the official list of amends I'd have to make when I reached that step that the Alcoholics Anonymous people had said would be part of the recovery process. I couldn't remember what step it was, but I wasn't about to wait with that particular step. Especially when it came to Silver. I'd hurt him so many times, lied to him either directly or by omission, and simply hadn't tried hard enough to show him that I wanted him to be a part of my life.

Permanently.

Silver chose that moment to sigh and snuggle closer to me, so I put the shit I'd have to deal with when we were both in a better place on the back burner and focused on his face again. His long dark eyelashes hadn't changed, nor had his gently arched eyebrows. I ran my fingers over those first. Then I was skimming one finger along his pretty lashes. If I hadn't been afraid of waking him, I would have leaned down and softly kissed those lashes and eyebrows and every other feature of his face until I got to his still-plump lips.

I pulled my hand away and settled it around Silver's waist again.

"That's it?" Silver asked softly. "You're done already?"

He kept his eyes closed, so I did what I'd wanted and dropped my lips to kiss each eyelid with whisper-soft caresses. "You faker," I murmured.

A smile flitted across Silver's mouth. It was the kind of smile that would live in my memories for a lifetime. In all the time we'd been together, he'd never blessed me with a smile or laugh that was truly his.

When he opened his eyes, they shone bright and clear. There was no pain, no fear, no hurt, no anger.

I had no clue what time it was, but it didn't matter.

"I've been dreaming about this," I admitted.

"You've been dreaming of touching me while I was pretending to be asleep?" Silver asked with feigned innocence.

I chuckled. "Well, that too, I guess."

"That's what I've been dreaming of."

I leaned down to brush my lips over his cheek. "Well, then I'll just have to make sure that happens."

"Who says it hasn't already?" Silver asked with a cheeky grin.

The warmth that filled my belly and spread out to every part of my body was a thousand times better than any drug or drink.

"When?" I asked. The knowledge that he'd explored my face while I'd truly been asleep carved out another place in my heart that was just for him.

"Pretty much all night," he said. "I couldn't stop looking at you. I was afraid if I fell asleep, I would wake up to find it had all been a dream." Silver pulled my free hand to his lips and kissed my palm. "I did fall asleep eventually, but I woke up when Jace came to check on us a little while ago." He toyed with my fingers, kissing the tip of each one but taking his time doing it. "What was your dream?"

"Huh?" I asked. My body was fully awake now. Every part of my body.

"You said you'd been dreaming about this," Silver reminded me. The gorgeous young man knew exactly what he was doing to me because those luscious lips of his were wreaking havoc on my hand. He was incredibly careful not to disturb the IV in the back of it, but he took his time kissing his way around the bandage that held the thing in place.

"Dalton," Silver murmured.

"Yeah?" I responded. My brain had gone stupid because one-syllable responses were all I seemed capable of.

"Your dream," Silver prodded. He stopped caressing my hand with his lips, but he let them hover over a particularly sensitive spot between my fingers. He shifted his eyes to meet mine.

"My dream," I parroted. I was both glad and disappointed that he'd stopped what he'd been doing. A few of my brain cells began to work as I remembered what we'd been talking about before Silver had sidelined the conversation with his unique and very welcome brand of torture.

"I dreamed of waking up like this every morning. With you in my arms just like this," I managed to say.

Silver held still for a moment, his eyes bright with some unnamed emotion, and then he was lifting his head and closing his lips over mine. I wasn't sure if he'd meant the kiss to be sweet and quick or not, but that sure as hell wasn't what I wanted. I opened my mouth and slanted my lips over his. One stroke of my tongue over the seam of his lips was all it took for him to open for me. With his head no longer resting on my arm, I now had both free to do whatever I wanted.

I started by sliding my right hand down the length of his body, pushing the blanket that had been covering our lower bodies out of the way. I palmed his ass so I could press his groin against mine. The scrub bottoms he was wearing were too snug for me to slip my hand between them and his skin, but it didn't matter. Silver got the message loud and clear.

My other hand gripped the back of his head so he couldn't escape my torrid kiss. Holding him in place proved to be unnecessary because he had taken control of the kiss. The weight of his upper body shifted until he was lying nearly on top of me.

A discreet cough had us jumping apart. I winced when my back hit the bed rail behind me.

"He's fine," I heard Ronan call through the sliding glass door. "He just lost a lead. I'll take care of it."

It took me a moment to realize he was talking to a nurse or doctor or both through a small gap in the sliding door of my hospital room. Thankfully, there were curtains that covered the entire glass wall, so no one would have been able to see what Silver and I had been doing.

"You really are trying to kill me, aren't you?" Jace grumbled as he dropped into one of the chairs in the corner of the room. I figured he'd been the one who'd coughed to get our attention.

"Oh God," Silver said and then he was struggling to escape my hold.

"Nope, you're not going anywhere," I declared as I tightened one arm around him so he couldn't get out of the bed.

"Is that an alarm?" Silver asked, completely horrified. I wasn't able to answer him because he was running his hands gently over my body, unknowingly keeping certain parts of me more active than they should have been since we had company. "Did I hurt you?" he asked worriedly.

"Doubtful," Jace responded before I could. My friend had his forehead resting in his palm. He was a complete wreck, like he'd been running hard. I thought about everything I'd put Jace through over the past few weeks and mentally added him to the list of people I needed to make amends to. He'd taken the brunt of my anger when I'd had to deal with withdrawal symptoms that had made me feel like I was coming out of my skin, and he'd pretty much had to force me to attend every AA meeting, along with counseling sessions for my PTSD. On top of that, he'd been away from Caleb and Willa for nearly a month. That, in itself, was a big deal. Caleb wasn't in exactly the best headspace considering everything he'd been through, but at least he was surrounded by family. It was a little nugget of relief I could hang on to for now, but the fact was that I owed Jace and Silver my life.

"He's fine, Silver," Ronan said as he approached the bed. "He lost at least one lead and that's what set off the alarm."

Ronan was in the process of turning off the alarm as I explained to Silver about the leads attached to my body so my heart could be under constant observation. "The nurses can see every patient's heart rate on their own screens at that counter where you found me. If the alarm goes off here, it goes off there too and an entire team of nurses and doctors come running because the assumption is that the patient's heart has stopped or is in some other kind of trouble."

"Most times it's just a loose or detached lead," Ronan said. "Or three," he added with a smirk as he searched out the different leads on my body and refastened them. I was wearing the dreaded hospital gown, so it made it easier for Ronan to reattach the leads. I wondered how I'd ended up in the gown because I couldn't remember anyone changing me.

"It's not often that a patient is moving around so much in bed that the leads come free like this, but it happens," Ronan explained. He flashed Silver a wink.

If I hadn't known how deeply in love the man was with his husband, I would have tried to punch him for that wink, but since it made Silver smile as he dropped his forehead to my chest in relief, I almost wanted to thank Ronan.

Almost.

"How are you feeling?" Ronan asked as he settled his hands on the rail on my side of the bed.

"Great," I automatically responded. When Ronan tilted his head at me, I admitted, "A six… now."

"Dalton!" Silver nearly yelled before he remembered where we were. His voice was hushed when he continued with, "Why didn't you tell me? We shouldn't have been… you know…"

The blush that suffused his cheeks was too cute to ignore. "What? We shouldn't have been what?"

Silver gave me a gentle shove, and this time when he tried to extricate himself from my body, I let him. I immediately missed the feel of him in my arms, but I knew it was time to get serious.

Ronan waited until Jace pushed one of the more comfortable chairs in the room to the side of my bed so Silver could sit. His fingers linked with mine.

"Is he okay?" Silver asked Ronan. "A six isn't good." I remembered the pain scale I'd explained to him after I'd unknowingly attacked him the morning after we'd gotten back to my house after I'd picked him up on the side of the interstate. God, how long ago had that even been?

"He's fine," Ronan assured Silver. "It just means he's going to need some more painkillers soon."

Silver's eyes widened in confusion. "He's going to take more pills?"

Just like that, all the warmth I was feeling was sucked out of the room. Silver must have noticed something in my reaction because he squeezed my fingers and waited until our eyes met before whispering, "It doesn't matter. We'll be okay."

We'll.

Not You'll.

Was he really saying what I thought he was?

"No, Silver. No pills. Since Dalton has been here, a doctor has been deciding how much pain medication he should get and when. They inject it into him. He hasn't had any pills or alcohol since he finished the rapid detox."

I couldn't be upset with Silver for his obvious relief. After all, one of the last times he'd seen me was when I'd been sprawled out on the floor next to my bed, oblivious to his attempts to wake me up.

"Dalton," Ronan said. He waited until I was looking at him. "Dr. Blacklock has given me permission to talk to you about your options when it comes to your back."

I stiffened because I knew I couldn't put this conversation off any longer. I nodded.

"You know that it's your right to continue like you have been for the last two years. You can self-medicate with alcohol and?—"

"No," I interjected, then said simply, "That's not going to happen." It was true. I didn't care how much work it took to get clean and stay that way, I would make it happen. Yes, part of it would be for Silver, but even if he hadn't been in the picture, my answer would have been the same. This was something I needed to do if I wanted to get some semblance of a normal life back. I wanted to build that life with Silver, but I knew that I couldn't do it for him. I had to do it for me. It was my only chance at long-term sobriety.

Ronan nodded. "I know you aren't ready to make the decision about surgery even though you understand what the outcome will eventually be if you don't do anything."

"Yeah," I said grimly. It was a lose-lose situation. If surgery didn't leave me an invalid, doing nothing eventually would. Ignoring the problem would only buy me some extra time before the inevitable.

Silver had gone completely silent even though his grip on my hand was still tight. I glanced at him and saw that he was trying hard to fight back tears. I pulled our joined hands up to my lips and kissed his knuckles. "Let them fall, sweetheart. Holding them in will only make it worse."

Silver shook his head even as the first of the tears began silently sliding down his cheeks.

"So I really only have one option," I admitted. Now I was the one struggling to keep the tears at bay. The idea of being left paralyzed terrified me. I could probably figure out how to survive as a paraplegic, but losing the use of all my limbs… I didn't know how I could live that way. Yes, it was possible and there were many people who were leading full lives as quadriplegics, but I doubted I had the mental or emotional strength to go through something like that, even if I did have Silver by my side. And what kind of life would that leave Silver with? He'd probably feel obligated to stay with me at first but then he'd eventually come to resent me. He was so young, and he'd survived so much already that he deserved his freedom.

"Fuck," I whispered. I couldn't stop the few tears that managed to escape. If I'd just kept up with my routine appointments…

"You already know that in the long term, you do have to make a decision," Ronan said as he leaned over the bed a bit and held my gaze. "It's not one to take lightly and it's not something you have to decide today or tomorrow."

"The pain," I admitted shamefully. Without drugs and alcohol, how would I do it? Could I do it? The idea of having to drive to Baltimore every day for a supervised injection of meds seemed impossible. Which meant I'd need to move closer to the city. I'd have to give up my house, my boat. Maybe I could find a doctor closer to home who could medically manage my pain?

"I spoke with Dr. Blacklock, Dalton. As much as he'd like to do this now rather than later, he understands that the outcome will be life-changing whether the surgery works or not. We think we can give you a little time to think about what you want to do. Do you know what a nerve block is?"

I nodded because the doctors had tried them several times immediately after they'd finished taking out what shrapnel they safely could.

"They never worked," I muttered.

"What is that?" Silver asked.

I let Ronan explain because I didn't have the heart to. I hadn't missed the hope in Silver's voice as he'd asked the question.

"It's not a cure, Silver," Ronan began. "Nerve blocks are used in many cases to ease or even take away a patient's pain. In Dalton's case, a special kind of doctor would inject medicine in certain spots in his back that would hopefully lessen or eliminate the pain he's been feeling. Unfortunately, it's not a long-term solution because the nerve block wears off. Sometimes it doesn't work at all. In Dalton's case, it won't get rid of the pain altogether because the shrapnel is too close to the nerves, but a nerve block could ease some of his pain."

Ronan looked at me. "I know they haven't worked for you in the past, Dalton, but that was when the doctors were trying to get rid of your pain altogether. If they were successful this time, the best outcome would be that you'd feel the same level of pain that you did right after you recovered from that first surgery when they took out all the other shrapnel. That means you'd still be in pain, but it wouldn't be as debilitating as it is now. You might even be able to control that level of pain with over-the-counter medications that target inflammation. As I said, there's no guarantee it will work and if it does, it could last weeks or months but probably not more than three."

Three months? God, the things I could do in three months. I remembered the pain when I'd first gotten through with the physical therapy that had been part of my recovery from surgery right after the IED. It had been a cakewalk compared to the pain I was feeling these days. Did I want to get my hopes up like that, though?

Who was I kidding, my hopes were already up.

"Even just a few weeks would give you time to think about what you want to do," Ronan continued.

"Are there any risks with the nerve block?" I asked.

"There are always risks when you're dealing with the nerves around your spinal cord, but they would be low with the right anesthesiologist. We've already found one of the best in the country. She's located in Boston, and she's agreed to fly down here to do it if that's how you want to move forward. You'd still need to attend AA meetings and follow up regularly with counselors so you have the additional support you need to stay sober," Ronan added. His eyes had shifted to Silver with the last few words.

Silver nodded in understanding.

"Silver, you don't?—"

"I know what I do or don't have to do, Dalton," Silver said firmly. That defiant look was back in his eyes. The one he'd had when he'd stripped in the gas station parking lot and when he'd confronted me about the alcohol and pills.

"If Dalton chooses it, how long until we know if it worked?" Silver asked.

"It could take a couple weeks, but it varies by patient. He could find relief sooner, later, or not at all," Ronan warned.

Silver looked at me. There was no denying what he wanted me to do, but he said, "You have to choose, Dalton. You can't do it for me or for Jace or for anyone else. You have to do it for yourself because it's what you want."

It was in that moment that I knew.

I knew what decision I would make.

But there was something even more important that I knew. I didn't care that Jace and Ronan were in the room when I pulled my hand free of Silver's so I could ease his head down. He accepted my soft kiss and didn't move when I kept my hand on the back of his head.

"I love you," I whispered. My words brushed his lips as I spoke them.

It felt like a lifetime before he responded. He kissed me just as softly as I'd kissed him. "Me too, Dalton. I love you too."

Something in my chest that had been locked up from the moment I'd walked through the front door of the home I'd lived in when I'd been fifteen suddenly loosened and then disappeared like it had never been. I kissed Silver slow and deep so he could feel everything that was radiating out from my heart. We were both breathless by the time I forced myself to break the kiss.

I held Silver's gaze for a long time because I wanted to memorize every second of this moment. I knew Jace and Ronan were still in the room, but I didn't care. I kept my eyes on Silver as I asked, "Ronan, how fast can that anesthesiologist get here?"

"Tonight. She can perform the procedure first thing in the morning," he responded simply.

"Then let's do it," I said and then I was kissing Silver again. I faintly heard the glass door to the room sliding open and then closed again, so I knew we were alone. "Come here," I urged Silver. He didn't hesitate to climb over the safety rail, but he was very careful as he fitted his body against mine.

"No more alarms," he said firmly.

"No more alarms," I agreed. "Did I mention what the second part of my dream was… the one where I wanted to wake up every morning with you in my arms?"

"No, but I know what it is. You want to fall asleep with me in your arms every night," Silver said as his body relaxed against mine. I could tell he was already starting to drift off.

"And how do you know that?" I asked as I stroked his face. I wasn't sleepy but I knew once the next pain injection was administered, I likely would be.

"Mmm," Silver sighed. "My dream too," he murmured and then he was out like a light. I smiled and dropped a kiss to his forehead then pulled him more snugly against me. I thought of all the other dreams I wanted to share with him but before I even got to ten, my own eyes drifted shut.

"One dream at a time," I mumbled and then I was joining Silver in peaceful slumber.