Chapter 17

He's still here.

That was my first thought the moment the fog of sleep began to clear.

My second thought was a harsh reminder.

He's going to leave just like all the others.

Wasn't I supposed to be relieved by that? It meant I could go back to my quiet life of solitude. I could drink and swallow pills whenever I wanted. There would be no one to stop me. No one to care if I drank just a little too much or swallowed a few too many extra pills one night and never woke up again.

No one to miss me.

No one for me to miss.

I thought about everything I'd told Silver, who was holding me just as tight as I'd been holding him. I'd admitted things to him that I'd never told another soul.

Not even Jace, a man I considered my best friend. I supposed he might miss me for a little while, but he had a new life and family who would rightfully need all of his attention. Eventually the memory of me would disappear like ashes in the wind.

Why did that hurt now? No, I hadn't gotten to live the life I'd planned on for so long, but what did it matter? I'd adjusted to my new life and I was living it. Well, I had been living it up until the moment that I'd spied a young man, beaten but not broken, walking alone in the pouring rain.

I carefully looked down so I could study Silver's face. I couldn't see much of it because his head was resting on my chest and a lock of his soft hair was blocking what little I could see. It didn't matter because I'd memorized every detail of him, from his pale skin to his unruly golden-brown hair. I'd been mesmerized by his beauty long before the bruises on his face had healed, but it had been his spirit, his will to survive, that had called out to me. From the moment he"d started stripping in the gas station parking lot so he wouldn't have to take my sweats or any other thing from me, I'd been so fucking humbled by his courage.

Over the past couple of weeks I'd seen how hard he worked, how thoughtful he was and how truly strong he was. I'd given him every reason to leave but instead, he'd bluntly stated the things I'd never had the strength to.

He'll still leave.

I'd tried to ignore the incessant voice that kept reminding me of what I already knew to be true. I'd tried to convince myself that I'd only kept Silver around because of what he'd done for Jace, Caleb, and little Willa, but it was just another lie. I couldn't blame it on my intense sexual attraction to him either because I hadn't touched him in two weeks and yet he was all I thought of. I wanted him to be the first thing I saw every morning and the last thing I saw every night before I closed my eyes. I was a grown man, yet there were always these little butterflies in my stomach and my breath would catch when he entered the room.

I had feelings for him.

Strong ones.

Ones I'd never had before, not even for Jace, who I'd once thought myself to be in love with.

Feelings were a dangerous thing. I'd thought I'd managed to stamp them out after all these years, but Silver had awakened them.

And I couldn't have that. I couldn't lose myself to him. I wouldn't survive it.

I allowed the voice in my head to take over because if I didn't stop this now, I never would. I also couldn't deny my growing need for a drink. The pain in my back was worse than ever because of the position Silver and I had fallen asleep in.

Alcohol and pills.

They were my salvation. They'd take everything away for a while. Whatever burgeoning feelings I might be having for the young man in my arms, he couldn't give me the peace that my mind and body craved. Feeling anything for Silver beyond the need to make sure he didn't end up on the streets would do the exact opposite of bringing me peace. I'd spin even more out of control when I handed him my battered heart and he handed it back to me in so many pieces that I'd have no hope of mending it.

As much as I loved the way Silver was draped across my upper body, his beautiful features completely relaxed, it was exactly what I couldn't let happen ever again. I couldn't expose myself any more than I already had. I wasn't as strong as he was. I wasn't strong, period. Not inside where it counted.

I was loath to just shake Silver awake, so I softly toyed with his hair and occasionally explored the soft skin of his face until his eyelids began to flutter. The moment he became aware of where he was, I eased him off my body. Every nerve in my body felt like it was on fire as I shifted my weight until I was sitting on the side of the lounger, my back to Silver. I could hear him moving behind me, but I didn't dare turn around because one look at those unique eyes of his and my entire plan would be shot to hell.

"It's getting late," I murmured before standing up. By the position of the sun, I knew it was barely past lunch time, but I didn't care. "I'll see you up at the house," I added. Every step I took after that hurt so badly I wanted to say fuck it and just lie down and roll myself into a ball like I was nothing more than a self-soothing child whose world had just been turned upside down.

If Silver was behind me, I didn't hear him. It seemed to take hours to climb the stairs.

Once I got into the house, my eyes automatically searched for the bottle of whiskey. Shame filled me as I reached for it. Despite knowing how much it might hurt Silver, I grabbed the still half-full bottle and headed to my room. I shut the door behind me. There was no lock on it, but it didn't matter. I doubted Silver would be coming into my room anytime soon. Hell, even as I thought about it, he could have grabbed the sad little plastic bag he'd left hanging on the kitchen doorknob and left.

Let him go.

I looked at the bottle in my hand. If I didn't drink any of it and took only a couple of the pain pills, it would be safe for me to drive Silver wherever he wanted to go. I knew in my heart that even if I could stand the withdrawal symptoms for as long as it took to make the drive, I wouldn't be able to let him get out of my car. I was too selfish.

If he walked to the main road and walked or hitched a ride, I'd never see him again. I'd never know what happened to him. Would that be easier than watching him leave? Would drowning myself in drugs and drink make me forget him?

There was only one way to find out.

With that, I took a long swallow of whiskey and instantly felt a measure of relief. I reached for my pills and filled my palm with them then added a few more just to make sure I wouldn't have to think about anything anymore. Not the way I'd failed everyone and everything in my life. I wouldn't need to question what I had done to make people not want me. I wouldn't have to ask myself why I couldn't just get the fuck past all of it.

I swallowed the pills and drank enough alcohol as I could at one time. I needed to disappear now, not in a few minutes, not in an hour. That was what kept me swallowing more and more of the whiskey. I stopped only when the liquor and pills began to do their magic. One moment there was light and then everything went dark.

Beautifully dark.

Dalton,wake the fuck up!

The words took a while to register but the slaps against my face didn't. Normally I would have woken up swinging, but my muddled brain wasn't working. I recognized the voice as its owner repeated various versions of the same phrase.

It wasn't the voice I was desperate to hear.

"Dalton—"

That was all I heard before bile crept up the back of my throat. My head felt like it was being split in two and I couldn't feel my limbs.

No, no, no.

The mere thought of what it all meant was ultimately wiped out when I began retching. Strong hands turned me onto my side, presumably so I wouldn't choke on my own vomit, but there was nothing to get rid of. My belly was empty, all the pills and booze long since dissolved. That didn't stop the puking, though. I wasn't sure how long my body's need to rid itself of whatever it was trying to expel lasted. There was no soft mattress beneath me. Whatever I was lying on was cold and hard.

The floor.

It had to be the floor.

"Jesus fucking Christ!" I heard the voice shout in fury. I reached my arms up so I could cradle my head in the hope that it would stop the endless throbbing in my head. The realization that my arms still worked gave me the courage to test my legs by curling my toes.

Relief flooded my pained brain as my senses began to come back to me one by one. The sour smell of sweat and vomit assaulted my nose while my dry eyes struggled to open. I swore I heard someone crying, but I couldn't be sure. Everything was spinning. Some kind of cold, wet material was pressed against my forehead. I wanted to tell whoever was holding the thing that my entire body felt like it was on fire, but my throat burned from all the retching.

"Sit up," the voice ordered.

Jace's voice.

What the hell?

I didn't have enough strength to help Jace get me into a sitting position, but I did finally manage to open my eyes. The light immediately stung. I would have kept them closed if I could have but every part of my body was being overruled by one thing.

"Where is he?" I choked out. "Silver!" I called as memories of the last time I'd seen him washed over me. I began to struggle in Jace's hold but my actions only resulted in another round of searing pain in my head and a wave of nausea in my still-cramping stomach. I did manage to focus my eyes, though.

Only to wish I hadn't.

The first thing I saw would haunt me forever.

Silver was sitting on the floor not fifteen feet from me. His back was against the wall next to the bedroom door. His arms were wrapped around his legs which he'd tucked up against his body. But his face…

His beautiful face was red and blotchy, and his hair was disheveled. The second my eyes met his, he began to sob. His whole body appeared to be shaking as he dropped his head to his knees. The sound of him crying was muffled but there was no mistaking the despair that was consuming him.

"Silver," I called, but he didn't respond.

"Oh God, what did I do?" I asked. I didn't wait for a response before my ragged voice was yelling, "Did I hurt you?" I wanted to go to him to see if he was hurt, but my limbs felt heavy, like I'd been trying to keep my head above the water in a vast ocean for hours.

"Jace, did I hurt?—"

"He's safe, Dalton," Jace responded. It sounded like he was yelling directly into my ear, but I figured he probably wasn't. "He's safe," Jace repeated.

Safe?

That hadn't been my question. I needed to know if I'd done something to him. "Silver," I croaked, but I couldn't keep my eyes on him because my head was spinning again. I could feel my nightstand to my left, my bed at my back and Jace on the other side, supporting me with his arms so I wouldn't hit the floor.

It took every ounce of strength I had left to open my eyes and search for Silver again.

But he wasn't there. The spot where he'd been sitting was empty. Maybe I'd imagined his presence. Jace said he was safe but that didn't mean he was safe in my house. Jace could have taken him somewhere or have found out some other way that Silver was safe.

"Where is he?" I whispered before I felt my eyes slowly closing.

Jace shook me hard enough to rattle my teeth. "No you don't, you fucker," he practically snarled. "Only place you're going is in a very cold fucking shower, do you hear me?"

I heard him. The nearest neighbor who lived several miles away probably heard him. But it wasn't his voice that I needed to hear.

I needed one thing. One person.

But he was gone. I'd driven him away even as I'd secretly wished he would stay.

"I'm sorry," I managed to whisper before Jace hauled me to my feet and began walking me toward the bathroom. I barely noticed the icy-cold water as it rained over me because I was too consumed by the image of Silver sitting against my wall, tears streaking down his face. Shame and regret ate at my insides as the full weight of my actions hit me.

What have I done? What the fuck have I done?