28. Twenty-Eight

Twenty-Eight

Anna

A crushing weight settles in my chest, squeezing the air from my lungs. I feel like my heart is breaking. A sob escapes my lips. This can't be good for the baby.

With tears blurring my vision, I stumble into our bedroom and collapse on the bed. I curl into a fetal position. I pull my knees against my chest. My right hand instinctively lands on my abdomen, a silent connection with the tiny life growing inside me.

"It's okay, baby," I whisper, my voice thick with emotion, "I love you, and your Daddy will love you too. I know he will." A tear slides down my face, "He… he just can't quite forgive me yet. But little one, I know he'll love you. I know he will…"

I hug my knees tighter, and as I rock back and forth on the bed, the rhythmic motion is an attempt to soothe the emotions that course through me. Exhaustion eventually claims me. When I open my eyes, they feel gritty. I'm still curled up in the bed, the sheets in a tangle around me.

Pulling in a ragged breath, I sit up on the side of the bed. Then I wearily make my way into the bathroom and splash cold water on my face.

As I dry my face, I glance in the mirror. The reflection that stares back is a stranger, a woman consumed by worry. My tears have washed away any facade, leaving behind the raw vulnerability of my emotions.

I'm an ugly crier; my lids are swollen, and my cheeks are stained red from my hot tears. And I'm not done! I suddenly bring the towel up and drop my face into it. Fresh tears squeeze out of my eyes in a silent torrent. Really? I think cynically, haven't I shed enough tears already?

The phone rings, shattering the quiet of the room. I frown, completely forgetting where I left it. I rush to the kitchen, scooping it up, as the screen flashes my mother-in-law's name.

"Bonnie?" I manage, my voice shaky.

"Hi, Anna," she says cheerfully. "No worries, I just called to see if I could keep Connor overnight. Some friends of mine asked me over for dinner. Their grandson, who's the same age as Connor, is visiting. I thought it would be nice to bring Connor along. He could spend the night at my house."

Relief washes over me. "That's fine, Bonnie," I manage to get out.

"Great! Maybe you and Carson could come over for lunch tomorrow? Around one?"

"Um... yeah, that might work out," I hedge. "Carson's not here right now, but he can call you if that doesn't work."

"Alright, Anna. Oh, Connor wants to say hi." I hear a shuffling sound, and then Connor's excited voice fills my ear. "Hey, Mom. I'm spending the night with grandma. Can we go out on the boat tomorrow?"

"I'm not sure, honey," I say, "but if we can, I'll bring your swimsuit. Okay?"

"Cool. Thanks, Mom!" His voice fades as Bonnie takes the phone back.

The call ends, and I stand there staring down at the phone in my hand, a wave of exhaustion washing over me.

I sink onto the stool at the kitchen counter. Seeing Carson's note, I pull it toward me and read it. I sigh; the weight of my secret feels heavier than ever. I scold myself. I should have just told Carson about the baby. Instead, I wanted to test the waters first. A way to gauge his openness about having another child. Ridiculous. And it wasn't fair.

Haven't I learned that lesson? I should have just started with the truth, plain and simple: ‘Carson, I'm pregnant. The baby is yours. I'm sorry, but we were careless, and the blame falls on both of us. And … and… I love you.' No, I can't confess my feelings for him yet.

A surge of anger replaces my self-pity. Here I am, wallowing in my misery while the baby inside me needs me to be strong. This is not the end of the world. I still need to tell him, just… just not today. I think cowardly.

The sudden opening of the front door startles me. Carson stands in the doorway. He has Graham's bright yellow box in his hands. My stomach muscles tighten. My eyes widen with alarm.

He sets the box down on the dining room table. I stand up and slowly approach him; I'm practically holding my breath.

He simply looks at me. "Carson, I guess you know about..." I trail off as he approaches, a tender warmth in his eyes that stops me mid-sentence.

"Anna, I went to the storage room," he explains softly. "I wanted to get the fishing gear... I knocked over this box."

"It's Graham's," I reply softly. "He kept all his legal papers and journals in here."

Carson nods. "Yes. His journals. Have you ever read them?"

"Me? No, they were his." I look up at Carson with a frown. "I know you don't want me to talk about him—"

"No, Anna. It's okay. I know the truth now," he says gently.

"You do? Then you know that he only married me because the lawyer recommended it. Neal… Neal would have…"

Carson comes up and cradles me in his arms. "Neal could have contested the will and then gambled it all away," he murmurs. I lean against him, a wave of relief washing over me. Finally, we're discussing Graham and the past. Maybe we can then put it behind us.

"Anna, I'm a stubborn fool for not letting you explain," he admits. "But, did you know that Graham wanted me to read the journals? He left them for me."

I frown up at Carson, confused. "What, No. I… He never told me. He just asked me to keep them. I thought maybe he wanted Connor to read them, so I thought I'd give them to Connor when he was older."

"No, Anna. Graham wrote the journals for me. I'm the hot-headed guy who left you pregnant. I'm sure he meant them for me."

"What do they say?" I ask him, curiosity in my gaze.

"Well, the main thing they told me is that you refused to exchange wedding vows," he replies. "He wrote that they were too important to you. You didn't feel right saying vows, or wearing white, or even a wedding dress. You refused his ring. You also didn't want to be married in a church."

Carson gives a rueful laugh. "He really admired you for your beliefs." He pulls me away from his chest and stares down into my eyes. "And so do I, Anna."

In a low voice, he explains, "The fact that you wouldn't make any vows says a lot about your character." He continues, "I feel the same way. Wedding vows… they're sacred. Something that should only be shared between two people who are in love with each other. Graham quoted your words, Anna. For me. He wanted me to know."

I look up at Carson, yearning for more. "What else did he say?"

Carson sighs. "Anna, I've been sitting down in the storage room since I left the apartment. When the box toppled over, I didn't even want to touch it. Connor said the yellow box was Graham's." He shakes his head as he admits, "I'm so glad I did. One of the journals fell open. It's almost like Graham was in the room with me, forcing me to read them."

"The first journal talked about how he felt about you as a child," he begins. "How your parents and he and his wife, Martha, were so close. He talked about Neal and how they hoped he could fight his gambling addiction and then their disappointment when he couldn't. Graham went on to describe himself as your doting uncle."

I smile. "Yes. Oh my God, Carson. He always told me I was family. Did he say anything about his condition?"

"Oh yes, I think that was journal four, but Anna, the journals were more about you," he clarifies. "How you nursed him through it all. How badly he felt about taking your youth." Then Carson laughs. "How, if he had felt better, he'd have hunted me down and demanded I listen to reason and marry you."

He squeezes me tight, and my tears again start to flow. I look up at Carson. "I loved him like an uncle, Carson. There was never anything more," I finish, my voice trembling slightly.

Carson nods, his gaze searching mine. "I know, Anna. He told me. He loved his late wife, and they both thought of you as their own." He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a worn photograph; the edges softened with time. "He had this picture pressed in between the pages. It's you as a child, with him and his wife. He has his arm around you, and you're nestled in his arms. I swear I can see the love in your eyes, and he wrote that they were always so proud of you."

A bittersweet smile graces my lips. "Yes, I had won a Spelling Bee that day. I remember wearing that red sweater."

"Yeah," Carson continues, his voice filled with newfound warmth. "He also talked about how your father made some bad financial decisions, and he was just getting on his feet when they died. He talked about how he was helping you find a place to live, but you insisted on taking care of him. He felt terrible about you having to spend your days taking care of a..." he hesitates, searching for the right word.

"A crotchety old man," I reply with a soft laugh, wiping away a stray tear. "That's what he called himself. Oh, Carson, he was so kind to me. You, you would have liked him."

"I do like him, Anna," Carson replies, his eyes filled with sincerity. "There's so much more, but that's the highlight. Some of the journals were about Connor and how he felt selfish because he had the joy of seeing Connor grow. You gave him something to live for."

Carson takes my face in his hands, turning it so our eyes meet. "Anna, I love you. I'm in love with you. I started falling for you eleven years ago, and I haven't stopped."

His words hang in the air, heavy with emotion. My heart thrums in my chest; it's deafening to hear the silence that has settled around us.

"Carson," I whisper, my voice thick with emotion, "I love you too."

Carson grins at me, "Graham said you did. He said I was a damn fool for not seeing that for myself."

He leans down, his lips brushing softly against mine. The kiss is gentle, filled with a lifetime of unspoken words and desires. It feels like a promise, a new beginning for us both.

He pulls back slightly, his forehead resting against mine. "There's something else," he murmurs, his voice husky.

"What is it?" I ask, my breath catching in my throat.

He reaches into his pocket again, this time pulling out an old velvet box. My breath catches in my throat as I recognize it. Graham had bought me a ring, which I refused.

Carson opens the box, revealing a delicate platinum ring adorned with a single sparkling diamond. "Anna," he begins, his voice trembling slightly, "these were Graham's instructions. He left this ring for when I proposed. He wanted you to have it. He wrote that I was a fool and should have married you a long time ago."

Tears well up in my eyes again. "Oh, Carson," I whisper, overwhelmed with emotion.

"Anna," he continues, "the journals... they opened my eyes. They showed me the man I could have been, the man you deserved. I may not be perfect, but I want to be that man for you."

Carson kneels on one knee, "Will you marry me, Anna? Because you love me, and I love you?"

I stare at the ring, the diamond twinkling as it catches the light, reflecting my emotions back at me. This feels so right, so real, a dream come true.

A slow smile spreads across my face. "Yes, Carson," I say, my voice thick with emotion. "Yes, I'll marry you."

He stands, letting out a deep sigh, a mixture of joy and disbelief washing over his face. He slips the ring onto my finger, and it fits perfectly.

I pull his head down toward mine and kiss him. When he raises his head, tears are still shimmering in my eyes. I wipe them away with the back of my hand, and his thumbs gently follow suit, brushing away the last traces. He leans down, placing soft kisses on my cheeks, erasing the salty tracks with his lips. My heart feels like it's overflowing with love.

When he finally steps back and grins down at me, I search his face, a mix of emotions swirling within me. My gaze flickers to the yellow box on the table. "Carson, is that all you found in there?" I want no secrets between us.

His smile falters slightly. "Why, was there something else?"

I meet his gaze, a hesitant smile playing on my lips. "You didn't find a bag filled with pamphlets?"

He furrows his brow. "Pamphlets?" A flicker of realization dawns on him. "Oh, yeah. When I finished the last journal, there was a bag filled with a bunch of old pregnancy pamphlets. I don't know why Graham held on to those."

I bite my lip, forcing down a nervous flutter in my stomach. "Carson, those aren't old. I put them in there yesterday."

His frown deepens momentarily before slowly starting to curve up. "Yesterday?" He takes a step closer, connecting the dots quickly.

I nod, unable to hold back a tear that rolls down my cheek. "Yes. I went to see the doctor, and he confirmed... I'm pregnant."

The realization hits him like a wave. Joy floods his face, erasing any trace of confusion. He pulls me into a tight embrace, his arms wrapping protectively around me. Then, he pulls back, letting out a laugh.

"Cream cheese! I should have figured it out," he exclaims. "Graham mentioned you were craving cream cheese and... crying a lot."

A blush creeps up my neck. "Well, some things never change, I guess."

His hand comes out, and he places it gently over my abdomen, a tender smile on his face.

"Carson, you look happy about it. You are happy, right?" I need to hear the words.

His smile grows, his eyes shining with a mix of excitement and love. "Can't you tell? I'm ecstatic! This time, I won't miss a moment. I'll be there for you every step of the way. I'll get to see you swollen with our child." He lands a kiss on my eyes, my nose, and my cheeks before he continues, "I'll be with you for the doctor's appointments."

His voice continues to warm, "We'll set up the nursery together, and I'll be here to massage your swollen feet and wipe away every tear... happy or not." The tender words - a promise.

His arms tighten around me as he tilts my face upward, my lips to his. I'm breathless when he finally raises his head. I see the familiar flicker of desire in his gaze, but this time, it's laced with a tenderness that sends shivers down my spine. His kisses turn passionate. The hunger is undeniable, but there's a sweetness to it now, a promise of a future built on love and shared dreams.

He pulls away reluctantly, a glance at the clock reminding him of the time. "So, when's Mom supposed to drop off Connor?"

I raise an eyebrow, a knowing smile gracing my lips. "Bonnie called. She's keeping Connor overnight. We're invited for lunch tomorrow."

"Overnight, huh?" he muses, a husky quality creeping into his voice.

I can't help but laugh at his sudden shift in focus. Before I have a chance to catch my breath, I feel myself being swept off my feet. He carries me towards our bedroom.

The promise of a passionate evening hangs heavy in the air. This time, however, it's filled with a new layer of anticipation, the excitement of starting our new family together.

Carson enters the bedroom, heat smoldering in his eyes as he looks down at me, cradled in his strong arms. He gives me a wicked, sexy grin, then turns and kicks the door shut.