Chapter 26

Chapter 26

Jasmine

Liam kissed me! Without warning, he kissed me! I’m stunned and horrified and reeling from the shock. When he pressed his mouth to mine, the only thing that registered was the warm pressure of his lips against mine. I was too busy freaking out to notice anything else, like how it felt.

Hiding out in the bedroom, I strip off my clothes, dropping them to the floor, and reach for my pajamas. For a moment, I stand naked in front of his dresser mirror and stare at my scarred body. The ugliness I see—all the scars, the old wounds—sickens me. So much damage. There are scars on my chest, on my breasts and belly and thighs. There’s no part of my body that doesn’t bear a permanent physical reminder of my life as a prostitute. These scars will stay with me forever, stealing any chance I might have at a real relationship.

I’m like Hester in The Scarlett Letter—branded a whore for the whole world to see. These marks are a permanent reminder of what’s been done to me. What I let happen.

I jump at the sound of a quiet knock on the bedroom door.

“Jasmine?” Liam’s voice is low and subdued.

Quickly, I pull on my long-sleeve red flannel shirt and matching long flannel PJ bottoms. “Yes?” My reply is little better than a croak.

“Jasmine, I’m sorry! I was completely out of line. It’ll never happen again, I swear.”

He sounds distraught, filled with regret. Those aren’t the words I want to hear. I want him to kiss me again. Maybe the next time I won’t freak out on him. It’s just that he caught me by surprise.

“Don’t worry about it,” I say, at a complete loss for words. I don’t know how to tell him what I’m really feeling.

I’ve never been kissed before—not ever. I never let tricks kiss me. And honestly, it wasn’t kisses they wanted from me. They had other uses for my mouth.

When Liam pressed his lips to mine, it was such a foreign sensation. All I can remember is a soft and gentle pressure, the warmth of his lips moving gently against mine. It was shocking and amazing all at once.

And I freaked out. He probably thinks I’m an idiot.

I drop down onto the bed and cover my burning face with my hands. I wish I could disappear into nothingness, where I don’t have to worry or be ashamed or embarrassed.

“I want you to know I’d never do anything to hurt you. I guess I got my wires crossed and misread the situation.”

No, you didn’t.

“Jasmine, can I come in? We need to discuss this, face to face. I won’t touch you, I promise. I just want to talk—I want to apologize in person.”

“You don’t need to apologize. I’m tired, Liam. I’m going to bed. I don’t want to talk anymore.”

He sighs. Finally, he says, “All right. Sleep well.”

And then I hear the floor creak lightly as he walks away.

After turning off the light, I climb into bed and lie staring up at the ceiling for a long time.

* * *

We stay in the rest of the weekend. Liam spends a lot of time in the spare bedroom lifting weights. I complete more GED practice tests. Liam cooks our meals, and I offer to help. I really need to learn how to cook so he doesn’t have to do it all himself.

We hardly talk at all, other than the basics. Yes, no, please, thanks.

He handles me like I’m made of glass. Like if he says one wrong word, I’ll shatter. When I catch him watching me, he turns away abruptly.

This awkwardness between us is all my fault for freaking out over a stupid kiss—something most girls experience for the first time when they’re still in school. I’ve fucked tons but had never been kissed before Friday night.

I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t know how to make things right between us again.

Monday morning rolls around, and as we’re getting ready to leave, Troy sends Liam a text to let him know he’s got my social security number and that a card is on its way. Now I can get an official state-issued photo ID and register to take the GED exams.

When we get to McIntyre Security, Liam has a full slate this week because he’s starting a bunch of new classes. I sit in his office and read and take practice tests. I’ve already worked through the first study guide he bought me at his sister-in-law’s bookstore. Since then, we ordered another study guide from Amazon.

We eat lunch together in the office cafeteria, then return to the martial arts studio a few minutes before Lia arrives to pick me up.

She and Liam have a rather long conversation in his office while I sit alone on the bleachers, wondering what they’re talking about.

Lia walks out of his office just as students start filing into the classroom. As she passes me, she nods to the door. “Let’s go, Xena.”

“Who?” I ask as I grab my duffle bag and hurry after her. For someone with short legs, she sure can move fast. “Who’s Xena?”

“We really need to work on your knowledge of the TV classics.”

“Yeah, but who’s Xena?”

When Lia stops, I nearly run her over. “Xena, Warrior Princess. She’s a kick-ass heroine, just like the name says.”

“I’m no warrior princess,” I say as I resume following Lia to the parking garage. “Hey, what were you and Liam talking about in his office?”

Lia pauses at the door to the garage and glances back over her shoulder at me. “You.”

We’re halfway to Lia’s house when I finally get up the nerve to ask, “What about me?”

“He told me he kissed you Friday night.”

“He said that?”

She nods. “And he told me you pushed him away and gave him the silent treatment all weekend.”

“No, I didn’t. I just didn’t have anything to say.”

“Were you angry that he kissed you?”

“No! Of course not. I was just surprised. It took me off guard.”

“He feels bad about what happened, and he blames himself.” Lia glances at me.

“It wasn’t his fault. It was mine. I freaked out on him.”

When we pull into Lia’s garage, she turns off the engine and pivots in her seat to face me. “So, what exactly happened Friday night?”

“I told you, I freaked out.”

“Why?”

I turn to face forward. “I’m embarrassed to tell you.”

She chuckles. “Don’t be. We all have baggage, including me.”

“You?”

Lia nods. “You first, and then I’ll share mine.”

“I’d never been kissed before.”

Her eyes widen. “Are you serious?”

I nod. “I never let my clients kiss me.”

“So, no one had ever kissed you? Before Liam, I mean.”

“Yeah. He caught me by surprise—I just wasn’t ready for it.”

She laughs. “No one’s prepared for their first kiss. It just happens, you get over the shock, and then you move forward.”

“Even if I did get over the shock, as you put it, I can’t move forward.”

“Why not?” she asks.

I glance down at my clasped hands in my lap, my fingers white-knuckled.

“Jasmine? Why not?”

“Because of my body.”

“You mean your amazing, kickass body?” She looks perplexed. “I don’t get it.”

“There’s a reason I wear only long sleeves and long pants.”

“I’m listening.”

“My body looks like a war zone. There are scars all over me. It’s hideous.”

“And you think those scars will turn Liam off?”

I nod. “I know they will. Some of my clients made nasty comments about them.”

Lia sighs. “I’ll let you in on a little secret, Jasmine. My brother is crazy about you. A few scars aren’t going to put him off.”

I turn to look at her. “He is?”

“Yes. Pathetically so.”

I’m stunned. I’m also not sure I believe her. “It’s more than just a few scars, Lia.”

“Doesn’t matter. You just crook your finger at him, and he’ll come running.” Lia leans back in the driver’s seat and closes her eyes. “All right,” she says, exhaling a heavy breath. “My turn. My first boyfriend videotaped the first time we had sex together. I was a virgin—and it hurt like hell. I cried and begged him to stop. He didn’t. When I broke up with him because of it, he revenge-porned me. He uploaded that sex video to every porn site he could find. That video has been downloaded and shared literally millions of times.”

“Oh, my god.”

“Yeah. It about destroyed me. I was only sixteen at the time. I found it impossible to trust guys after that—at least I did until I met Jonah.”

“I’m so sorry. That’s awful.”

“Shane’s tech team is still locating copies of that video and having them taken down. The point is shit happens, you know? Does Jonah care? Does he blame me for that video? No, of course not. And Liam won’t be turned off by your scars. Some of the ugly things that happened to us in our pasts make us who we are today—kick-ass women. Be proud of that.”

I want to believe her. I really do. “So, what do I do now?”

“Do you want Liam to kiss you again? And again and again, until you get over the shock?”

I laugh. “Yes.”

“Then tell him. Or take matters into your own hands and kiss him yourself.”

“Really?”

“Sure. Why not? Trust me, he’d love it. You need to meet my brother Jamie and his fiancée, Molly. Talk about scars. They’re both scarred but in different ways. It doesn’t stop them from loving the hell out of each other. Even Liam has scars. Ever notice his knuckles? Scarred from fist fights when he was younger. He’s got a few scars on his body, too, from official fights. There’s no one in my family who doesn’t have scars. Even my mom does. Did you notice the old burn scars on her arms? That was from an apartment building fire, when she almost died trying to rescue a young mother and her newborn baby.”

“Oh, my god!” I say, horrified.

Lia shrugs it off. “Ask her about it sometime. She loves to tell the story. It’s how she met my dad, who was a firefighter then. It was love at first sight for the both of them.”

“You and Jonah seem really happy.”

Lia nods, then grins sheepishly. “Yeah. Ridiculously happy. He’s the best—just don’t tell him I said that. I don’t want it to go to his head.”

I laugh. “What’s it like?”

“What’s what like?” she asks.

“Sex with someone you care about. I hate it.”

“You hate sex?”

“Yeah. It was a job, you know. I never took any pleasure in it. I just wanted to get it over as quickly as possible. I just wonder, if you’re with someone you care about, does it get better?”

Lia’s smile falls. “Oh, sweetie. Goes, yes, it’s better when you care about your partner.” She frowns. “I’m sorry. You deserve to have a wonderful sex life.”

“I don’t know that I can. Maybe I’m ruined for good sex. Maybe I’ll never enjoy it.”

“No, don’t say that. I promise you, when you’re with the right person, it’s magical.” Then she rolls her eyes. “God, don’t tell Jonah I said that. I’ll never hear the end of it.”

I laugh, because I know she’s just kidding. I’ve seen how Lia and Jonah dote on each other.

* * *

That evening, Lia’s words reverberate in my head.

Just kiss him.

But I’m afraid to. Kissing him is one thing, but what if kissing leads to something else? Like the two of us taking off our clothes? Then what? And what if she’s wrong? What if he’s horrified by what he sees? What if he can’t get past what I was? I think that would kill me. Maybe I should just leave it alone—leave everything the way it is and just be content with being friends.

I leave the bathroom after my shower, dressed in my bathrobe, and practically run right into Liam in the hallway. His arms are full of folded bath towels and washcloths.

“Sorry,” he says, sidestepping me to prevent a collision.

“It’s okay.” I stand frozen to the spot and look up into his face. I could stare into those beautiful brown eyes forever.

His gaze meets mine, and neither one of us looks away.

God, I hope his sister is right. I’m taking the proverbial bull by the horns.

“Can we talk?” I ask him.