Chapter 10 - Nic

I'm glad the day was very, very busy. Stopped me from thinking about my date with Lex yesterday. Up until he reiterated that he didn't want a real relationship, I was actually considering sleeping with him. But despite how badly I wanted to, I simply couldn't risk a repeat performance of what happened with Manuel. The scariest part? I already feel a deeper connection with Lex than I ever did with Manuel, even after three years of being in a relationship.

I left when Lex was still working so he wouldn't offer to drop me home like he did on Saturday. I know I have been avoiding him, and I know it is not a sustainable strategy in the long term, but I can't think of anything else at the moment. If I spend too much time with him, I will end up agreeing to sleep with him. I just know it.

I am at the subway station, waiting for the train. I want a long hot soak in the tub, a glass of wine, and solitude. The train comes to a halt in front of me and just as I am about to get inside, I have the strangest feeling that somebody is watching me. My heart beats just a little faster when I look over my shoulder. I don't know what I hope to find, but there's nothing out of the ordinary. People jostle me and I realize that I am blocking the entrance. I quickly get into the train, pulling my coat tighter around me. I suddenly feel cold. I quickly look around me as I lean against a pole and clutch the strap of my handbag. Just the usual bored faces.

I am imagining things. It's the kiss that has me feeling off-kilter. The kiss I shared with Lex was like nothing I'd experienced before. The only way I can come close to describing it is that it touched my very soul. It sounds crazy even in my head, but it's true. Something shifted inside me. He claimed a very vital part of me with just one kiss. If I sleep with him, I won't be able to hold anything of myself back.

I get off at my stop and hurry outside. My head is too much of a mess. Perhaps that's why I keep looking over my shoulder over and over again. Why has this fear suddenly made its place in my head? I am not a paranoid kind of person, but I simply can't shake this feeling that there's somebody behind me. I walk as fast as I can, cursing myself for forgetting to change into my sneakers before hurrying out of the office in order to avoid Lex. The clanking of my heels feels very loud on the sidewalk. When I finally enter the foyer of my apartment building, I collapse against the wall.

My blouse is soaked with sweat, only partly because I practically ran all the way from the subway station. My heart is beating like a drum against my chest and I'm gasping for breath. When I spot Penny at the mailbox, I rush to her and put my arms around her.

"Hey, sweetie. Are you alright?" she asks, clearly worried.

I nod, swallowing the hot lump in my throat. Just having her there is making me feel a lot better.

"What happened?" she asks, leading me up the stairs to our apartment with an arm around my waist.

"I thought I was being followed. I think I freaked more than the situation warranted. I blame it all on the kiss," I say, collapsing on the couch. Then I realize what I've just said. I feel like biting off my tongue. I haven't told Penny that my date with Lex ended with a soul-searing kiss.

"What kiss?" she asks, zeroing in on the one thing I want to avoid talking about.

"The kiss is not important. Didn't you hear all the rest?" I say, rhythmically banging the back of my head against the headrest with my eyes closed.

"Yeah, yeah, you thought someone was following you so you freaked. This is New York. We all think we are being stalked from time to time. Now tell me about the kiss. Why didn't you tell me about the kiss?" she says, hitting me with a plush pillow.

"Lex kissed me," I answer, still not opening my eyes.

"Was it a very good kiss? Do I need to get wine?" Penny asks, clutching my arm. I open one eye and she has this huge grin on her face.

"Wine is a good idea," I say. She squeals and jumps off the couch to get the wine. I am surprised when I smile.

"So…" she says, drawing out the word, pouring a generous amount of wine in both our glasses.

"He kissed me on TOTR. Right after sunset."

"That sounds incredibly romantic," she sighs.

"Then he asked me to go back to his place. I refused." I take a large sip of wine, hoping she won't ask why.

"What? Why?"

I sigh.

"We've been over this. It's not just lust I feel for him. What I felt after kissing him only confirmed it. But apparently, what he feels for me is only lust. "

"But honey, how will you know until you do?"

"Do what?"

"Lex, of course," she says with a grin and wink.

"Penny!" This time I hit her with the pillow.

"Sorry," she says, sounding not the least bit contrite. "But aren't you even a little curious?"

"I am! I am more than just curious. And that's the problem." I close my eyes again.

"But Nic, the way I see it, you won't ever know if there can ever be anything between the two of you if you never even give it a try?"

"He was quite clear that he didn't want a relationship. I don't know if I can pretend that I don't feel more, that I will be happy with just sex," I say, feeling tears prick the back of my eyes.

"Do you want my honest opinion?"

"Please! I don't know what to think anymore!"

"I think he's not being honest with himself. I think he feels exactly what you feel, but he's scared. I've seen how he looks at you, and it's not just lust."

I sit up straight, eyes wide open.

"Do you really think so?" I say. The possibility hadn't occurred to me. He did sound kind of strange when he forcefully said that he wants only a casual fling.

"So you think if I gave it a chance, it might evolve into something more?"

"I don't know, Nic. But neither will you if you never take that chance," she says, squeezing my hand.

"Thanks," I say, squeezing her hand back. "And thanks for not letting me spiral. I know you purposely downplayed the stalker bit. I was this close to fainting," I say, holding up my thumb and forefinger, separated by a millimeter.

"There's no way I would've been able to carry you up all those stairs," she says with feeling, exhaling noisily. "But now that you have some wine inside you, tell me, did you see who was following you?"

"No. But I was so sure, you know? I could feel that person's eyes on my back. Do you think I should go to the police?"

She chews on her lip and traces a finger on the stem of her wine glass.

"I don't know, sweetie. Maybe wait till we have something more concrete?"

"Yeah. Yeah, you're right."

"But carry a can of pepper spray on you at all times," she says, looking at me with concern.

"Yeah. I will. I'm so glad you're here," I tell her, hugging her tightly.

Somehow, I am not feeling all that worried anymore—not about Lex, nor about the potential stalker.