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Chapter 6

Rosie

Figs is sprawled out on my lap while I queue the latest episode of my favorite podcast, The Dr. Shawna Podcast. This is how we spend every Thursday night. We splurge on frozen pizza and cheap wine. Well, Figs doesn't get any wine.

I went through a true-crime podcast phase, but it was short lived. Then I found Dr. Shawna and all her amazing wisdom.

She's not the only motivating self-help guru out there with a podcast, but she resonates with me. Maybe it's because she sounds like she's about my age. I have no way of actually knowing how old she is—her avatar is a cartoon fairy with wings and pink hair. But the thought of us being a similar age gives me hope that I can still accomplish stuff.

Yeah, ‘stuff' isn't super specific. But the truth is, after the accident, all my energy, emotional and physical went into healing. Recovery from extensive third-degree and in some places forth-degree burns is the very definition of long suffering. Not to say that I've hard it worse than everyone else. It was just hard.

Since I was only twelve at the time, it kind of put a tourniquet on any of those fanciful dreams I might have had as an adolescent girl. They lost oxygen and snuffed out.

After recovery, I tried to just focus on catching up on my education because I'd pretty much missed a good chunk of middle school. So I never learned how to dream big. Dr. Shawna is helping with that.

Welcome, welcome. I'm so glad you're here with me today. I have a very special show for you.

Let's talk about what you want out of life.

You are motivated and ambitious.

"Definitely motivated and working on ambitious, right, Figs? Yes, we are." I scratch him between the ears and one of them twitches. I take a big swallow of wine and lament the fact that I don't have any brownies. When was the last time I had a brownie?

I know you are, because you've showed up to listen to this podcast week after week. You have a vision for the life you want to lead.

"I do show up every week. After I found this podcast, I listened to all of them in a binge and then I've been faithful listener ever since," I tell the imaginary Dr. Shawna sitting here with me. Maybe that's weird, pressing pause so I can respond to her, but it's just the way of her podcasts. It feels like it's just you and her having an intimate one-on-one conversation.

I want you to ask yourself one simple question.

What is holding you back?

What are you so afraid of?

Another big sip of wine. I don't even have to think hard on this one.

Rejection.

That's what it's always been. Before my parents were arrested and I got put into foster care, it was the constant feeling of not being able to compete with their addictions. Afterwards, it was remaining in the system until I aged out. Life has proven again and again that no one wants me. So yep, definitely rejection.

Is fear of failure? Fear of rejection? Fear of change? Heck, it might even be fear of success.

Whatever it is that's holding you back, I'm guessing it's fear of something.

Do you want to be the kind of person who lives their life based on fear?

"No, I do not!" I startle Figs and he jumps off my lap and runs off in the direction of my bedroom. His abrupt movement jostles my hand holding my plastic cup of wine. Thankfully I've nearly had the whole thing so there's no much to spill "Sorry, Figgy."

I know you don't, because if you wanted to live your life in fear, you wouldn't be listening right now. You'd have turned off this podcast long before now.

So I know you want more from life.

I truly do. If I listen to what my heart wants, it's love. I want someone to love me. I want someone to pour my own love into. A certain ridiculously handsome face comes to mind. I sigh wistfully. I certainly can't have him.

Today, I'm going to challenge you to go out and get it. Take that first step. Start your business. Register for that class you've been wanting to take. Start that book you've been wanting to write. Reach out to that person you've been wanting to connect with.

Whatever it is that's been holding you back, today is the day to let go of fear.

I close my eyes and let my mind freely see his handsome face. His blue eyes are so sexy. I swear when he looks at me, I feel like the only woman in existence. Whatever it is that's been holding you back, today is the day to let go of fear. Dr. Shawna's words replay in my head.

I know exactly what I need to do. I need to just tell him how I feel. I mean not to him, but just get it all out of my head, then maybe I can move on.

"Hudson, I will never send this, but some things need to be said aloud. Or maybe I just need to say them to get them off my mind. I think I might have a crush on you. No, it's a definite crush. Or maybe just pure unadulterated lust. I mean I'd really just like to climb you like a jungle-gym.

I love your eyes and the way you look at me through the video screen. I love the sound of your voice. I love the way you don't smile often, but when you do, it lights up your eyes and you get those little lines that fan out. So sexy. That's the truth of it. You're just super sexy. So masculine and gah, I just really want to jump your bones.

But like I said, I won't send this because I'm your assistant and I love my job. I also need my job to pay off my exorbitant student loans and you pay me ridiculously well. And the health insurance you offer is amazing! But I just had to verbalize all of this desire I feel towards you. Okay, well I guess that's it."

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