Chapter 28

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

RIPLEY

F or the past month, we've lived in this house. We're here at night but spend our days with Kaya. She's getting big and strong. She's already bigger than a full-term baby. They want to keep her one more week to make sure everything is good before releasing her.

We've completely avoided the topic of what will happen once she leaves the hospital. The Cougars' preseason ended, and the regular season just started. Quincy needs to get back to Philly. Poor Arizona and Layton haven't left either. They have a wedding reception to plan and a life to live. I've told them countless times to go home. They said they will when Kaya is out of the hospital.

Quincy hasn't left my side for a single minute. He's made sure every single need of mine and Kaya's is being met. I'm not sure what caused the change in his feelings on parenting, but he does everything for our little girl. Feeding, bathing, changing. Anything they'll allow, he does .

As for me, he's been attending to everything. Physically. Emotionally, I'm not sure I'll ever recover.

My body is healing. I still have a little pain, but it gets better each and every day.

Paul and Pamela have been to the hospital a handful of times. I was happy to see that Quincy was warmer to them. I'm not sure what happened between Thanksgiving and now, but something caused things to thaw a bit.

We're having a late dinner one night with a few bottles of wine. Kaya couldn't breastfeed, so I tried to pump, but my supply dried up without the natural suction of a baby. The good news is that I can drink for the first time in nearly nine months.

Arizona is on Layton's lap as they giggle about something. They have their own little language. They're so cute together.

Quincy places his glass down and looks at me. "I have something to say, and I need you to let me get it out before you jump all over me."

"Oookay."

"I want you to move back to Philly."

"Quin—"

"You promised to let me speak."

"Fine. But I'm not moving again. I'm staying out here, close to my mom."

"I want to be close to you and our daughter. I more than recognize that I made several poor choices when I found out you were pregnant." He runs his hands through his curls. "Hell, I know I've made several poor choices for years when it comes to you, but I love you. I want to be with you."

I shake my head but keep my mouth shut. Arizona and Layton are suddenly very quiet, paying close attention.

"I know you don't trust me, and I understand. I don't deserve your trust, but I want the opportunity to earn it. Just know that I do love you, and I love our daughter too. Every fucking concern I had about myself as a parent went right out the fucking door the first second I saw her and held her. Please don't keep her away from me on the other side of the country. The Anacondas haven't traded you. You had this baby two months ahead of schedule. With a lot of hard work, you can be ready for your season. You can only do that with certain resources and support. My new house is finished. It has a state-of-the-art gym. I've hired a personal trainer to help you get your strength back. I've spoken with your mother. I'm hiring her as your personal pitching coach. I had a pitching tunnel put in the house for you. She's going to stay with us for as long as it takes to get you up to snuff and to help us with Kaya as we manage our busy schedules. The house now has a crib and everything that's needed. All I need is for you to agree to it."

I'm in shock that he did all this. I turn to Arizona, and she gives me a hopeful smile. "Sorry, Rip, but I'm with him on this one. I want my niece near me. I want my best friend on my team again. You love Philly. You love our team. You want your daughter to have her father in her life. It's the best thing for everyone."

Not my heart. Tears find my eyes. I'm torn. I want to be in Philly for every reason in the world other than being around Quincy. How will I ever move on if I'm living with him? But how can I deny him his daughter if he wants to be in her life? How can I do that to her? I would have given anything to have had my father in my life.

He continues, "If, at the end of this season, you decide you want to move back to California, I will either retire or request a trade to a team in this area."

"But you just built the house. I thought you wanted Philly as your forever home. "

"You and Kaya are my forever home."

I take a few deep breaths, trying to keep my emotions in check. "I'll agree to this on one condition."

Quincy's face lights up. "Anything."

"Sign the divorce papers."

His face drops.

"If you're serious about being near our daughter, sign them, and I'll come. I'm doing this for her."

Tears fill his eyes. "I don't want to give up on us."

"There is no us, Quincy. You and I are over. Time and time again you chose not to be with me. I loved you so hard for so damn long. I wasted years of my life loving a man who was never willing to love me back. I'm not a toy you can take out and play with and then throw in the closet for days, months, or even years at a time. I'm a real person with real feelings, feelings you've never once considered. On many occasions, I've asked you to love me in the light, not in the dark. You wouldn't give me that. When you walked out on me when I told you I was pregnant, I was devastated. I cried myself to sleep every night until one morning I woke up and swore I'd never let you do that to me again. I've shed too many tears over you, Quincy Abbott. I'll do this for our daughter. I don't want her to grow up without a father like I did. I'll stay with you because I recognize that I'm going to need help and resources these first few months. When my season is over, I'm moving out of your house. We'll figure out a fair custody agreement for Kaya. Your season ends then too. The timing will be right."

He's quiet for several long beats before eventually nodding. "I'll sign them, but I won't give up hope. Ever."

"There's nothing left to hope for." I stand. "If you're serious about our daughter, sign them, and I'll start packing. If not, we'll see you when you get the chance. "

I summon every ounce of strength I have to hold my head up and walk out of that room to my bedroom. Laying on the bed, I hug a pillow to my chest and let the tears fall. Why now? I waited years for him to say things like that to me.

A few minutes later, there's a knock at my door. I expect Quincy's voice, but it's Arizona's.

"Can I come in?"

"Of course."

She walks in, lays down, and turns to me. She gently wipes the tears pooled under my eyes. "Don't cry over him. Don't give any man that power over you. You're the best person I know, Rip. Make that vagina-looking, long-haired motherfucker grovel."

I giggle. "Is it pathetic that I think his beard and hair are sexy?"

She scrunches her face. "I think the word you're looking for is crazy, not pathetic."

I blow out a breath. "I've been crying over him for much longer than I'd care to admit."

She tucks my hair behind my ear. "I know. You won't leave the possibility open for it to work out between you two?" She pinches her index finger and thumb close together. "Maybe just a crack in the door?"

The tears start falling from my eyes again. "He's hurt me so many times. You have no idea. I don't know if it's his baggage or some amount of shame about being with me, but—"

She shakes her head. "I don't believe that at all. He's fucked up, but he's been different the past month. He's laser focused on you and Kaya. I've never seen him like this."

"I'm genuinely happy that he wants to be there for her. I didn't think he would. I'll never deny him that."

"I know you won't. It's just…seeing him with you the past fe w weeks has been both bizarre and sweet. He loves you, Rip. Of that, I'm sure."

She's quiet for a moment. "I've spent a lot of time thinking about your relationship with him. I can't believe I missed all the signs. The biggest change in you has been your body image. You spent our entire adolescence insecure about your body. While you still don't realize how truly beautiful you are, was he the reason for your uptick in confidence?"

She has a hopeful look on her face.

I nod. "Yes. I don't know how to explain it, especially to his sister. Even the first night we were together, when I was eighteen, he never let me hide my body. He practically worshiped it. He loved everything I hated about myself, but he's never been willing to love me . I've asked…I've begged for it. I'm not enough for him. Now we have this child together and suddenly he outwardly loves me? I wanted it for ten years. I think he's transferring his feelings for Kaya to me. I'm thrilled he wants to be in her life, and I'd be lying if I said I'm not enjoying him openly professing his love for me, but why now? If I choose to stay with him, I'll never know if it's for Kaya or me. That's not fair to me."

"I hear what you're saying, but I don't think one has anything to do with the other. I think your pregnancy forced him to finally confront his demons."

"In what way?"

"I'm not completely sure. I know he hasn't been back in Philly since Thanksgiving. The only time I've seen or spoken to him was in the minutes before your mom called to say that you went into labor."

"Where has he been this whole time?"

"He spent time with our dad at first, but then he said he traveled. I don't know where. Maybe he'll share that with you. Just don't close the door completely. You should have seen him in the hospital with you. We assumed on our flight here that the baby was gone. He was beside himself with desperation to get to you. He sat at your bedside, held your hand, and cried. He professed his love for you when he didn't think there was a baby." She rubs my arm. "When I finally saw him again after all these months, I tore into him for how he treated you. He immediately agreed and mentioned wanting to make things right."

"You don't understand. Our whole relationship has been on his terms. I feel like I lost a little of myself. That's not okay. That's not the example I want to set for my daughter. I want a man to love me the way Layton loves you or not at all."

She gives me a soft smile. "He loves me good, doesn't he?"

"Yes, and I hear it every single night. Every. Single. Night."

She giggles.

"Is the guy on Viagra? He fucks you for hours."

She laughs louder. "No drugs needed. It's all him." She rolls to her back and looks up at the ceiling with a dreamy look on her face. "We're definitely insatiable for each other. I keep waiting for it to end, but I think it's getting more intense. I love him so fucking much."

I reach for her hand. "I know you do. And it's the same for him. He doesn't care who knows it. You should have seen him when you were away. He outwardly pined for you. He was incomplete without you. Is it so wrong that I want that too?"

She squeezes my hand. "No, it's not. You deserve nothing less. Let nature take its course. I've seen a different side of Quincy this past month. Just think about giving him a chance."

I wake up in the morning to a large envelope that was clearly slipped under my door while I slept. I open it and see the signed divorce papers. I experience a moment of sadness and a moment of relief. I'm not sure which feeling is stronger.

There's a yellow Post-it on the front that reads: