Chapter 25

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

TWO MONTHS LATER

QUINCY

I 'm flying to Clearwater, Florida for spring training. I haven't been in Philly for months. I haven't even spoken to my family or teammates. My sister started leaving me nasty texts and voicemails. I sent her one brief text letting her know that I needed time to do some soul-searching and that I would see and talk to her when I was ready.

It didn't deter her in the least. Nasty texts from her were a daily occurrence. Loyal to her best friend through and through. That's Arizona Abbott for you. I love that about her.

The person I've most consistently kept in touch with is June. I asked her not to tell Ripley, but I needed to make sure she was doing okay. June tears into me during every call but at least throws me a bone with a few updates. She said Ripley was sad for a while but seems to be coming out of it, determined to make a nice life for her and our child. Our child. I've spent a lot of time wrapping my mind around something I always assumed I never wanted.

I also kept in touch with Collin. My house is almost finished. We made a few last-minute changes, but Collin is incredible and went with the flow. The pictures are amazing. I can't wait to see it in person.

I'm excited to get back into action on the field. I've only thrown a few times this off-season, but I've been working out and am probably in the best shape of my life. I'm ready for our spring training regimen to begin.

I'm hailing a cab at the airport when I see Dutton Steel doing the same. He notices me and smiles. "Quincy Abbott, it's great to see you."

We man hug. "You too, Coach."

He looks at my face. "Shit, you've got a lot of facial hair brewing."

I chuckle as I touch my longer beard. "I haven't shaved in a while. I don't mind it. Want to share a cab to the team hotel?"

"Absolutely."

We get in the cab and begin our journey to the hotel. He asks, "Where have you been the past few months? We haven't seen you around the stadium at all."

"Some traveling. A little…self-development. I have some things going on in my personal life."

He nods. "The woman you once alluded to?"

I nod. "Yes."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"It's complicated. "

He barks out a laugh. "It usually is."

"Do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"You can ask. It doesn't mean I'll answer."

I smile. "Fair enough. If you had to do it all over again, I mean marry your wife even knowing what was coming, would you still see it through?"

Without any hesitation, he replies, "Yes. She was the love of my life. Nothing will ever change that."

"And the fact that your career got cut short; you're good with that decision?"

"I am. My children mean more to me than anything. Baseball is a game. Family is everything. Maybe men are wired a little differently in terms of how much time we consider parenthood before becoming a parent. While I always assumed I'd become a father one day, I didn't sit and dream about it. But once you hold your first child, every priority you've ever had shifts. Every preconceived notion and fear suddenly melts away. And nothing is better than watching the woman you love become a mother."

"Were you ever afraid you'd be a bad father?"

He gives me a knowing smile. "Every single day since I found out that she was pregnant with our first."

"And you were never able to move on from her? Even after all these years?"

He lets out a nervous laugh. "If you asked me this question a year ago, which you sort of did, my answer would be different. I've been talking with a woman lately. It's complicated, but we'll see where it goes."

He seems lighter than the last time we spoke. I'm happy for him.

We continue chatting until we pull up to the hotel. Pitchers and catchers arrive a few days before the rest of the team, so I don't expect many people when I arrive. Because Arizona is…well…Arizona, when I walk inside, she's waiting for me in the lobby with a scowl on her face.

I roll my eyes but can't help the smile on my face. I've missed my sister. "Fucking two minutes. I've been back for two minutes and you're already here?"

I see Layton behind her smirking as Dutton shakes Layton's hand and then makes his way to check-in.

Arizona crosses her arms. "You and I need to chat, bro. You did my best friend dirty, and it's not okay."

I hang my head in shame. "I know I did." I blow out a breath. "Can we go somewhere and talk privately? Somewhere that's not the lobby of a hotel?"

She nods. "Fine. But this conversation is happening, and it's happening right now."

"I know."

She takes Layton's hand, and they follow me.

"I suppose he's coming?"

"He's my husband. Of course he's coming."

I nod. I saw online that they were suddenly married. I feel guilty for missing it, though I think it was a spur-of-the-moment thing and no guests were in attendance.

I check in, and we make our way to my room. When we're in the elevator, she tugs on my beard.

"Your face looks like an unkempt vagina."

Layton shakes in laughter.

I can't help the small smile that creeps out. She loves busting my balls.

I make a spectacle of slowly licking my lips. "Hmm. Thank you."

She scrunches her face. "Eww. It wasn't meant as a compliment. "

I wink at her. "I know. Congrats on your wedding. Thanks for the invite."

She doesn't smile as we walk down the hall and into my hotel room. "We had to fucking wait for you to celebrate. We wanted to have a party last month, but selfish Quincy fell off the map, so we still haven't done that."

I slam the door shut. "Selfish? Screw you, Z. You're able to be in a normal relationship and get married because I wasn't selfish. Because I took care of you and shielded you from our shit parents."

Her face softens slightly. "I know you were an amazing big brother. I understand that. But how could you use Ripley, and then treat her this way?"

"I didn't use her. I've always cared about her. I never have and never will feel about another woman the way I feel about her."

Her eyes widen with hope. "Are you in love with her?"

I rub my beard and sigh. "I'd rather have this conversation with her."

She gives me an unimpressed look.

I roll my eyes. She's not going to let up unless I give her answers. "I tried not to be, and I've tried to deny it, but I realized that I am."

Her face lights up. "Then what's the fucking problem?"

"The problem is that I never saw myself as a husband or father."

"Well, now you're both, so stop being a fucking baby and man the fuck up."

"She told you about the marriage?"

"She told me everything. Everything . You should be counting your lucky stars that a woman like Ripley loves you. You don't deserve her."

"That's one thing we can agree on."

She's about to open her mouth again when Layton places his hands on her shoulders and pulls her back to his front. "Sunshine, give him a minute to collect his thoughts before you go on the attack. That was a big admission for him."

I see her physically relax into him as she nods.

I narrow my eyes. "You're the Arizona whisperer."

He smiles and winks at me.

I run my fingers through my hair, which has also gotten longer. "I spent some time with Dad. For the first time in my life, he prioritized me and my needs."

She nods. "I know you spent two weeks away somewhere. Mom didn't know where. She still doesn't. He was tight-lipped."

"We went camping and got a lot of shit off our chests. We yelled, we screamed, we cried, we threw shit, and we fought, both physically and verbally. I don't think he ever understood how deep my resentment went, and I know I never understood him and his actions. Basically, we communicated for the first time in my life."

Her face softens. "What did he say?"

"He explained his unstable childhood to me, moving around a lot due to financial instability."

She pinches her eyebrows together. "Moving around? But Grandpa started Dad's furniture store."

I shake my head. "Remember, he didn't have Dad until he was in his mid-forties. He opened the shop when he was nearly sixty-five. He had only owned it for five years when he passed, and Dad gave up his baseball career to take it over. So for Dad's whole childhood, he had nothing. They moved all over the country. He never lived in one place for more than a year because his father couldn't keep a job and would burn bridges."

"Wow. They never told us anything about that."

I nod. "He said they didn't want us to think poorly of our grandfather. Dad swore if he did nothing else in life, he wanted to work hard to provide his family with a house and stability. He finally admitted that he took it too far, never coming to anything. He has this weird, innate fear of not working. Like the store will fail if he neglects it. When we were kids, he feared that we would lose the house and have to move away. It was his misguided way of ensuring stability for our family. I guess he's as scarred from his childhood as I am from mine."

"How did you two leave things?"

"My head was a mess. I was confused and needed time to consider the things he said to me. I assumed he didn't love us, but that's not the case."

She sighs. "Of course they love us. Can't you just accept them for how they are?"

"I've had years of anger that built and built. I don't think you ever quite grasped how deep it ran for me."

She nods in understanding. She knows I'm right. "Where did you go after he left? That was months ago. No one has seen or heard from you."

I shrug, not ready to admit anything to her. "I traveled a bunch. I needed to figure out where I wanted things to go with Ripley and the baby."

I'm about to continue when my phone rings, and I look down. It's June so I accept the call. "Hi, June."

"Quincy." She sounds frantic. "It's Ripley. Something is wrong. She started vomiting uncontrollably. It was horrific. And then her water broke. I think she went into labor. I'm at the hospital."

"Labor? It's way too early for that. Months too early."

Looking up, I see Arizona's face fall with concern.

I can hear June sobbing as she screams "I don't know what's happening. The nurse said something about pre-eclampsia. There are a million doctors with her. I think something is wrong. They won't tell me anything." She then whispers. "I'm so scared."

"Stay calm. I'm on my way. Keep me updated. Please."

I end the call. My hand is shaking.

Arizona looks at me with concern. "What happened? You're white as a ghost."

"She's…she's in labor."

"What? She can't be. She's only seven months along."

"Something is wrong, Z. I can feel it. I need to get to her. I…I need to get a flight."

She looks at Layton, and they silently communicate something. He nods and starts fiddling on his phone before walking out of the room into the hallway.

She takes my hands in hers. "That was June?"

I wordlessly nod. I think I'm in shock.

"What exactly did she say?"

"Something about excessive vomiting, water breaking, pre-eclampsia, and lots of doctors freaking out."

Layton shouts from the hallway, "One hour."

I look at my sister. "What's in an hour?"

"The Daulton jet. That's the fastest way for us to get to Ripley. I know they're down here for spring training. We hitched a ride with them early this morning."

"How do you know what he meant? How did he know what you meant? You two just had a silent conversation."

She shrugs. "When you love someone, you understand what the other is thinking before the words are even spoken. He knew I was thinking about the jet, and I knew he was answering that silent question."

"Z, I'm scared."

She nods with tears in her eyes. "I know. Me too. We'll be with you the whole time."

"You're coming?"

"Of course."

A few hours later, we're in the air somewhere in the middle of the country. My mind has been racing. I've been googling all the possible causes of pre-eclampsia and early labor in general.

Arizona is fast asleep on Layton's chest and he's caressing her hair lovingly, occasionally kissing the top of her head. Even though I'm a mess right now, I have a brief moment of happiness for my sister for what she and Layton share.

In a quiet voice, so as not to wake her, I say to him, "What's wrong with me that I can't have what you two have?"

In an equally quiet voice, he responds, "Nothing is wrong with you. No more than anyone else. We all have baggage. We just need to choose to set it aside and move forward. I had two choices. Let my past ruin my future or accept this perfect, beautiful woman into my life and be happy. I chose happiness. It wasn't even hard. "

"How did you know? How did you know she was the one worth setting your baggage aside for?"

He thinks for several long moments. "That's a loaded question. Trey once said to me that he knew Gemma was the one when the others faded away. He couldn't even see anyone else. I realized that was exactly how I felt. Nothing and no one else in this world matters to me more than her. It forces you to look within yourself. The past, which often haunts you, somehow stops mattering. All you can see is your future, one that only makes sense with her in it. I had no parents—"

"I had no parents."

I see his jaw tic. "No, Quincy, you had and still have parents. Mine were dead. They died in a car crash. I was in the car and didn't get a single scratch, but both of my parents died on impact. I was orphaned as a baby. I'd give anything in the world to have parents like yours, imperfect or not. Maybe your parents didn't give you the picture-perfect childhood you would have liked, but they loved you and were around. They provided for you, you had dinner together, your mom tucked you in at night, and they supported your dreams. Be thankful that they're around to even know what your dreams are. I would kill for that. They were and are there for you in their own way. Grow the fuck up and stop blaming them for all that ails you."

"You don't understand—"

"No, you don't understand. You have a good life. You're successful. You get to play fucking baseball for a living. Do you know how many people would kill for that? You have an amazing woman who's madly in love with you. We've both received more than our share of attention from women based on all the wrong reasons. I found one who loves me for all the right ones. So have you, but you're so filled with anger and self-loathing that you won't let her in. You made the arbitrary decision that you didn't want a family as an immature kid. Time to stop being a kid and realize that it's okay to change your mind. I don't know what will happen today, but you might have a child with her, and you might not. Either way, she loves you, and I know deep down you love her too. She's going to need you no matter what."

I run my fingers through my hair. "I know."

"Maybe it's not your time right now, but one day you could have a family with her. You're not some piece of shit, Q. I think you'd be an awesome dad. Look what you did for Arizona. I know you're the reason she views her childhood as a happy one."

"It's hard to explain how I felt as a kid. So fucking insignificant. I don't want to be an absentee parent and make my kid feel that way."

"Then don't. You have a fuck-ton of money, more than most people will ever make in a lifetime. Choose how to live your life."

"Retire, like you? I have no other skills. I don't even have a college degree. Everything I am and do revolves around baseball. Baseball players, coaches, and analysts all travel. A lot."

"You don't have to retire. You don't have to step away from baseball. That's not the only way to make it work. Look at Trey and Gemma and countless other baseball marriages. Quincy, we're lucky. We have a job that only requires us to be in the office for half the year. And while some of that time is spent on the road, we're home more than most. You can achieve a good, healthy balance. Being a good spouse and parent isn't about spending every waking moment together, it's about making the most of the time you do have. I don't spend every second of my life with your sister."

I mumble, "It feels like it."

He rolls his eyes. "How do you see your life in the future?"

I sigh. "Alone. That's how I've always seen it. Being an uncle to Arizona's kids is as close as I've ever thought I'd get to little ones."

"Is that what you want or what you've always assumed?"

I lean my head back and am quiet for a few long moments before admitting, "I don't know."

Arizona starts to stir. She blinks her eyes a few times before looking up at Layton and softly kissing his lips.

He looks down at her like she's his everything. Why can't I be like that?

She eventually turns to me. "Any news?"

I shake my head. "Nothing. June isn't answering." I swallow. "I'm terrified."

"Me too. How much longer until we land?"

I look at my watch. "Probably another hour or so. I've been googling what she said. Excessive vomiting is a sign of pre-eclampsia, which can be caused by high blood pressure, which can be caused by stress. Do you think it's my fault? That I caused this to happen to her?"

Arizona shrugs, not fully letting me off the hook. "Who knows why these things happen? There are a million causes, but at this point, the cause doesn't matter. You need to put your selfish shit aside today. This is about Ripley and your baby, not you. I don't know what we're walking into, but you have a wife and maybe a daughter who need you to man the fuck up. "

"It's…the baby's a girl?"

She nods. "Yes, she's known for months. If you bothered to call her, you'd know that."

"June didn't mention it."

"That's why you talk to your wife, not her mother."

She's right. Tears find my eyes. "If something happens to Ripley, I'll never forgive myself."

"Don't say that. Ripley is the strongest person I know."

After what feels like the longest flight in history, we land in the middle of the night. There's a car waiting to take us to the hospital.

We rush through the hospital doors and up to the maternity floor. The waiting room is empty. There's no sign of June.

I practically sprint to the front desk. A woman in purple scrubs looks at me and smiles. "How can I help you, sir?"

"My wife went into early labor."

"What's her name?"

"Ripley St. James."

She presses a few buttons on the computer before looking up at me with a confused look on her face. "It says here that Ms. St. James is single and the father would not be here for the birth."

"What do you want, a fucking DNA test? I'm a shitty husband. I want to see my fucking wife. Someone needs to tell me what's going on with her."

Arizona grabs my arm. "Relax." She looks at the nurse. "I believe my name was on Ripley's pre-approved list as her birthing partner. Arizona Abbott Lancaster."

She turns to me. "I had planned to come out for the delivery and help her through it."

I nod, thankful for my amazing sister. The nurse on the other hand…

She looks at the computer. "Yes." She presses more buttons and her face falls. "Oh. Perhaps we should wait for a doctor. Let me page one."

I've fucking had it. I grab her computer screen and turn it around. She fights back, but my eye catches the room number before the screen twists away from me, and I start running.

The woman is yelling after me, but I don't care. I make my way down the hallway with Arizona and Layton following closely behind. I hear shouting, but it's white noise. I just need to get to Ripley.

We finally reach the room number and enter in a frantic rush. I suck in a breath at what I see. Ripley's eyes are closed. She's hooked up to about a thousand steadily beeping machines. They're attached practically everywhere on her body. There's a tube coming out of her mouth. Her skin is white as a ghost. She looks so frail.

This is bad. Really bad.

Arizona immediately starts crying, nearly collapsing, but Layton catches her. He holds her in his arms and looks at me with fear and shock written all over his face.

I mouth, "Get her out of here."

He nods, and they step out. I hear him say, "It's okay. Let's find a doctor. We don't know anything," before his voice fades away.

With shaky hands and a rapidly beating heart, I walk over to Ripley. She's so pale. I take her hand in mine. It's not soft and warm like always. It's cold. So damn cold.

Tears start streaming down my cheeks as I fall to my knees at her bedside. I kiss her hand over and over. "I'm so sorry I did this to you. I should have been here for you. For our baby. I'm a terrible husband and an even worse man. Please come back to me. I promise to do better."

Nothing. Just stillness.

A sob breaks free from my mouth. I cry in a way I don't think I knew I was capable of. For several minutes, I hold her hand to my face and let go. The pain running through me is so palpable that for a brief moment I think I'm having a heart attack. I can barely breathe. Do I even want to exist in a world without this woman?

Looking at her peaceful face, I know without a doubt that I've loved her as long as she's loved me, I just never fully admitted it to myself. On my knees on the floor of Ripley's hospital room, I make a million promises to God that I will be everything she needs if He brings her back to me.

I gently move the stray strands of her hair away from her face. "You're so special to me. I know I never told you, but I want to tell you now. I…I love you. So damn much."

I kiss the corner of her mouth, unable to reach her full lips because of the tube. I croak out, "Please come back to me so we can have a million more kisses. Your lips are the only lips I've ever wanted on mine. I can't live without them. Without you." My shoulders shake. "I can't do this without you."

I look at Ripley's stomach. There's no evidence of a baby in her body. I know what that must mean. The sense of loss is overwhelming and unbearable. The feelings of guilt threaten to irrevocably break me .

"I failed our daughter. I need you though. Please, Shortcake." I start sobbing again. "Please don't leave me too. I'll give you a million babies if that's what you want. Anything. Just come back to me."

Nothing. I see no signs of her hearing me or anything resembling her being conscious.

I sit there for what seems like hours, kissing her hand, her arm, her face. It doesn't feel like her. I miss my Ripley. My Ripley. Why wasn't I here for her?

I have no sense of time, but at some point, Arizona and Layton re-enter the room. I look up with a tear-stained face, noticing a middle-aged woman in a white coat trailing behind them. The woman gives me a somber smile. "Mr. Abbott, I'm Dr. Berger. I operated on your…wife? Ms. St. James is your wife, correct?"

I nod and manage, "Yes. What happened?" I squeeze my eyes shut, unable to face this. When I reopen them, I ask, "Is…is she going to be okay?"

She presses her lips tightly together. "Ms. St. James suffered from a pretty extreme case of pre-eclampsia. Among the worst I've seen. It's a serious blood pressure condition. It can be caused by a variety of things. Considering the information I was given by her mother, my best guess is that it was caused by the severe amount of stress suffered by Ms. St. James throughout her pregnancy."

She says it in a highly judgmental tone. One I completely deserve.

She continues, "It impacted her organs. Her heart, liver, and kidneys were temporarily not operating as they should be. She also lost a lot of blood in her emergency delivery. We had to give her a transfusion. Several transfusions. "

Arizona is practically hyperventilating as I hang my head, fearful of what the doctor will say next.

"She's in a medically induced coma to allow her body time to heal from what it went through. If her numbers climb, we should be able to bring her out of it in two or three days."

I swallow. "Is she going to be okay? Please just tell me that."

"I believe so. Her recovery will be slow. She lost a lot of blood, and her body sustained serious trauma. Apparently, she's been suffering headaches and extreme fatigue for a few weeks now but didn't consult her healthcare provider. She should have done so. I think she assumed it was due to a bit of depression she was apparently suffering from."

Trying to put my shame to the side for now, I let out a breath of relief at her prognosis and pledge to myself to do whatever it takes to nurse her back to health. To be here for her like I should have been this whole time. I spent my entire life vowing to never be the absentee person my parents were, and that's exactly what I became. I'm disgusted with myself.

"Thank you. I'd like to be alone with my wife now."

She tilts her head to the side and pinches her eyebrows together. "Don't you want to know about your daughter?"

Tears spill out of my eyes. I know what she's going to say. I don't know that I can bear to hear it.

Arizona walks over to me and takes my hand. She knows too.

"We had to perform an emergency C-Section. She wasn't fully developed yet. "

I squeeze Arizona's hand, bracing myself for what she's going to say next.

"It was touch and go for the first few hours, but she's a fighter. She's much bigger than most babies would be at only thirty-two weeks gestation. You and your wife being bigger than average is likely responsible for that." Dr. Berger's lips turn up slightly. "She still has a bit of an uphill battle, and she'll certainly need to spend the next few weeks in our NICU, but she's breathing shockingly well. I'm optimistic."

My mouth opens and closes a few times, words escaping me. Another sob escapes Arizona's lips.

Layton asks the question we've all been wondering. "She's alive?"

The doctor touches her chest. "Oh, heavens, yes. Ms. St. James's mother is with her now, giving her those maternal things premature babies need."

Arizona, covered in tears, wraps her arms around me and rests her head on my shoulder. "Congratulations, Dad."

My eyes widen in realization, and my heart constricts. I'm a father.

The doctor gives a slightly bigger smile. "She's got bright red hair just like her mom. I'm not sure I've ever seen that in a preemie."

"Can…can…can I see her?"

"Of course. She's going to need you, especially given Ms. St. James's condition."

My eyes toggle between Ripley and the door. I don't know what to do.

Noticing, Arizona rubs my arm. "I'll stay with Ripley. Go meet your daughter. Tell my niece that her favorite aunt will be down to see her in a little bit. "

Layton motions his head toward the door. "Come on. I'll go with you."

We wordlessly make our way down a floor to the NICU. I have no idea what to expect. Will the baby look like a baby? Will she be connected to machines like Ripley?

My questions are answered when we arrive. I look through the glass to see June. She's wearing some sort of hospital garment that has an opening, so the baby is flush against her body. I catch my first glimpse of the littlest creature I've ever seen in my life.

Tears begin to flow again. I turn and see the same from Layton. He throws his arm around me. "Congrats, man. She's beautiful."

I let out a laugh through my tears. "She looks like an alien."

He smiles through his own tears. "A redheaded alien."

I tap on the glass, and June looks up. She has a mask covering her nose and mouth, but I can tell by her eyes that she's smiling. She turns and says something to the nurse.

The nurse looks at me and walks out of the room. "Mr. St. James?"

I don't bother to correct her. I don't give a shit what they call me right now. I nod. "Can I hold my baby?"

"We need to make sure you're properly sterilized first, but yes. The baby benefits from skin-to-skin contact. I can get you a discreet top that opens in the front if you'd like."

Without any hesitation, I remove my T-shirt.

Layton moans. "Oh, Christ, any excuse to be topless."

I smile at him. "I know it turns you on."

He snort-laughs .

"Oh my god, you're starting to laugh like my sister. You're pathetic, Lancaster."

"I love her laugh."

"You would." I mumble, "So fucking pussy whipped."

He gives a wicked smile and licks his lips. "Umm hmm. I most certainly am."

My face falls and I grumble, "Asshole."

He smiles, loving to rile me up about him and my sister.

After scrubbing me clean and giving me a few instructions, I sit down next to June. She turns to me. "Are you ready to meet your daughter?"

I nod. "What's her name?"

"She doesn't have one yet. It's up to Ripley, and she hasn't met her daughter yet."

She carefully places her in my arms. More like my hands. She's so tiny that she fits in my hands. As soon as I touch her and smell her, my heart just about explodes with this immediate feeling of love and protectiveness. How could I have ever doubted wanting this?

I whisper in her ear, "I love you and promise to always be there for you and your mommy, no matter what."