6. ~Xavier~

6

~Xavier~

It was all the same.

All the fucking time.

It just kept happening.

Having things taken from me.

First, my mom when I was a toddler.

She’d been killed in battle during a faction war between a few nests of vampires and two big covens. She’d been a diplomatic ambassador and trying to make peace. She hadn’t had a violent bone in her body. She’d been peace personified. My dad had too. Back then, anyway. He hadn’t cared much for power for power’s sake when he’d been with her, when we’d been a happy little family. He’d cherished his magic for the part of him that it was, not for any other reasons. They’d even been talking about leaving the supernatural world behind and assimilating as human. But then she’d died and it had changed everything forevermore. It had changed him. Along had come Sabre Tech , his esteemed role in Exemplar, and him growing his power to new and ultimate heights. It had all been a bid to control what he hadn’t been able to that day when she’d died—loss.

But that wasn’t something that could be controlled, not something you could really truly protect yourself or anyone else from. There were too many variables.

Yet he still tried.

It was admirable.

And sad.

Sad that he could never achieve that particular goal.

I’d come to realize now that control was nothing but an illusion.

There was no such thing.

I’d had a glimmer of hope when Alena had come into my life and I’d been able to recapture my magic in a way I’d never thought possible for me again as part vampire.

But now that had been ripped away.

Now it was worse than before.

My magic had been taken from me entirely.

And there was so much emptiness.

That being all that remained would have been bad enough, but there was also this awful, voracious hunger that I could barely contain from one moment to the next.

There was also so much darkness seeping in now.

And not just from the demon being untethered now without my magic keeping it in line.

The darkness was my realization that nothing would remain.

Not for long.

Even Alena would be gone soon too.

I’d heard what that psychopath had said.

He wanted her.

And he’d take her.

She’d be lost to us forever.

Either he’d hide her away, or he’d turn her to his side, he’d remake her.

I stared down at the empty pages of my writing journal.

I’d tried to focus on something I loved, something that made me happy to indulge in, something that gave me some semblance of normalcy and comfort.

But it had been two hours and I hadn’t written a single word.

There was no impetus.

There was no fucking point.

It didn’t matter anymore.

Nothing did.

And I didn’t want it to, because I knew what needed to be done.

With me like this, made into this, I was a danger to everyone around me.

To everyone whom I loved.

I couldn’t live with that.

And I certainly couldn’t accept it.

It didn’t matter.

I was tired anyway. So fucking tired.

I’d had a hard enough time becoming a hybrid without being this now.

My hope to keep moving forward had been my spark of magic I’d still had available to me, the connection I’d still felt to it and that life. But now it was all just a memory.

I couldn’t exist in this way.

The fire was calling me, its draw stronger than ever. So when the opportunity came to step into it, I would take it.

I was confined to this spare room in the Rose mansion at the moment. Abigail had sealed the windows to prevent sunlight from filtering in too. My dad had warned her about the depression I’d slipped into after I’d been turned.

Depression didn’t exactly cover it. But I didn’t want him to see more than that anyway. I’d be under twenty-four-seven watch if he knew the truth. Then I wouldn’t be able to do what needed to be done.

That was my hope now—ending this pain at last.

A light rap sounded at the door, pulling me from my thoughts.

“Who is it?” I called out from the bed.

“Alena. Are you up for a visitor?”

“Of course,” I called back. “One second.”

I quickly flipped my journal to some pages with actual words filling the lines, so she thought I was actually getting into it and doing something productive. Then I called out, “Go ahead.”

In the next second, she was teleporting through the ward and into the bedroom.

“Hey,” she said, brightly.

She looked me over studiously and I managed to fix a believable smile to my face in response, and not show how nervous I was that she’d see something off with me—where my head was really at—and report it so I wasn’t able to see my plan through.

She took in the fact that I was showered and dressed too in a pair of jeans and a white tee.

While I was looking like my usual self, she was a far cry from that, wearing a pair of black sweatpants with a matching hoodie that was zipped all the way up. She wasn’t exhibiting her usual free and creative way of dress.

Because of me.

My dad had warned her that sexual desire ramped up a vampire’s bloodlust. He’d been worried about her visiting me at all, but he also hadn’t wanted to take her away from me, especially not when he believed I needed the contact to help ground me at the moment.

I hated it. I hated that she’d had to alter something about herself for me. Even temporarily.

I could hear and feel the pounding of her pulse like it was rolling through me.

Calling to me.

All that sweet blood. The sweetest I’d ever tasted.

Stop.

I blinked and took a step back.

“Xavier?”

I held up my hand as she tried to come to me when she obviously saw my distress. “This was a bad idea. You can’t stay long with me. I’m sorry.”

“I understand. We’ll figure it out, okay? We’ll figure all of it out.”

“You didn’t sign up to be with me like this.”

“I told you before, what you are doesn’t matter to me, only who you are does.”

Her love was seeping into me, infecting me.

I squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn’t allow it. I couldn’t allow her to pull me back from the edge. It would only hurt her. I would only hurt her.

“I’ll go if it’s causing you distress,” she offered.

“Wait. Before you do, there’s something we need to discuss.”

She arched an eyebrow.

“During the battle, I saw what you did. To Constantine’s magic. You were only able to hold it briefly, but it still occurred, and the potential there is a huge thing for the supernatural world as a whole.”

She was open with me as usual, not even attempting to deny it to protect herself. She just outright admitted it, telling me, “I don’t know how I was able to do it and I couldn’t believe it as I watched my magic disintegrate part of his.”

“You can extinguish dark magic, Alena. Nothing like this has ever existed before. It’s absolutely staggering.” I sat down on the edge of the bed. “It also means you can’t tell anyone about this. I was the only one who saw because I was in the center of the magical tornado you were wielding at the time, not on the outside like everyone else. The only one outside of Constantine, of course. He now knows as well, so this is—”

“Bad. Yeah, I figured.”

“Don’t even share this with Orpheus when you return to the Academy.”

“Of course I’m going to. The three of you are the exception to—”

“He’s a dark magical being, Alena. He won’t take well to this development. It’s a threat to his power, to his people too. And Orpheus… he is his magic. It’s everything to him.” Just like it was to me. “Knowing there’s something out there that can take that away… he won’t simply let it lie.”

“The four of us are more than all of that, and I’d never use it against him. I still don’t even know how I managed to do it to Constantine’s stream, and even then, I only managed it for a brief time.”

“The four of us… what we have… it is special, it means a lot to each of us. But this… the test it would be… it could very well be too much. And no one wants Orpheus Hart as their enemy. In fact, after what happened during that battle and the madman taking his father… Constantine will find that out soon enough.”

“It’s not that simple. This could be the key to stopping Constantine.”

“No,” I snarled, the vehemence taking me over because my self-control was weak right now.

She jolted. “What?”

“You need to stay far away from that maniacal bastard. He wants to take you. He wants something from you—possibly every fucking thing. Let Exemplar handle it.”

“If I tell Orpheus, he and I can train together, work on this new development with my magic and—”

“Alena, please. Don’t do this. Don’t even think it. Constantine Vale has taken so much from all of us, don’t put yourself in a position to allow him to take anything more. You’re strong and free. You don’t need to prove the former. You don’t.”

“That might be part of it, but only a small part.”

I highly doubted it was that small to her. “Stay out of it and remember how powerful you are without any of this being a factor. You’ve come a long way and you should be proud. You’ve grown into yourself in so many ways and it’s been a pleasure to watch. Just… when I’m not around… promise me that you’ll remember that.”

“When you’re not around? What does that mean?”

Hell. It was hard to think straight all the while the sound of her pulse was teasing me, that delectable cotton candy scent that I wanted to lick off every inch of her skin and inhale down deep… stop.

“Just when I’m locked down with this new… development, unable to be around the three of you.”

She shook her head vigorously. “It won’t be like this for much longer. You’re just acclimating right now.”

“Some never manage to acclimate.”

“That won’t be you,” she told me, so sure of it. So na?ve to that part of me. How could I expect her to love that?

“Xavier, it won’t, okay? Do you hear me, sweet thing?”

I swallowed down my automatic response to tell her there was no hope there for me, that it had been taken the moment he’d taken my magic.

“I hear you,” I managed to utter convincingly, even adding a smile.

Well, the smile wasn’t the hard part. It was so easy to smile at her. She brought out so much in me and that was just one thing. I hadn’t smiled so much, laughed, or enjoyed life as much as I had since she’d come into our lives.

And it hurt.

It hurt that I couldn’t stay.

That I had to lie to her now.

That I wouldn’t get to say goodbye. The risk was too great that she’d stop me.

But if I did stay, she’d be gone anyway. Either I’d lose control soon and hurt her—I mean, I couldn’t even be within touching distance of her right now as I was—or she’d see the monster that I really was and recognize what I had.

There was nothing to love here.

Not anymore.

I was just a shell.

In taking away my magic, Constantine had taken away the essence of who I was. And now all that existed was emptiness and pain.

The ward barring me taking my leave of the room shuddered for a moment, and then my dad materialized into the room.

He was without his wheelchair now, able to walk, albeit it at short stretches and at a slow, easy pace. Both his eyes were healed now and his skin was red, covering the previously exposed bone in most places, yet still requiring a little more time to complete. Most of his hair had grown back too, there were no longer any tufts, it was just a couple of inches shorter than his normal length. He was able to use his magic, but just in weak spurts. According to Abigail’s assessment, it would take another couple of days for him to be back at top form.

Seeing as though he wasn’t working until he’d healed, he was dressed down in a pair of vibrant blue lounge pants and a black V-neck button down, his feet nestled in a pair of slippers.

He looked between us. “Everything copacetic in here?”

“All good,” Alena said.

“She’s leaving now.” I eyed my dad pointedly. “She needs to.”

“I see,” he responded, warily, knowing I meant that I was right on the edge, too close to jumping her right where she stood and burying my fangs in her throat—and other things.

I tugged at my hair.

“Alena, I appreciate you continuing to check on my son, but he needs time now. Time away, unfortunately. A cool off period between the two of you.”

My gut twisted as his words were put out there, words I knew had needed to be spoken, but that were so incredibly difficult to hear.

The idea of being away from her, cut off from us and what we shared, was painful.

But it was best for her safety.

She might be insanely powerful, but her human side made her vulnerable to injury. And her reactions couldn’t compare with those of a vampire, unfortunately. I could do her a great deal of damage before she even managed to call her magic to defend herself.

“I’m sorry,” I told her.

She waved her hand, putting on a brave face and responding, “No need for apologies, I get it. Whatever you need.”

“Thank you. You know, you should head back to the Academy. I’ll be fine here.” I gestured at my dad. “As you can see, he’s well enough to be with me now.”

She tried to hide her hurt that I was suggesting she go away, that she leave me, but I could see it and almost feel it from her too.

As much as I hated doing it, pushing her away like this… I had to.

For her safety, yes. But also because it would make it a little easier for her not to be so attached to me with what I was planning.

“So, this is a break?” she asked, like she couldn’t stand the taste of the words.

Neither could I.

Nevertheless, I pressed on, “Yes.”

“Xavier—”

“It needs to be, Alena.”

“I’m here for you in good times and bad.”

“I don’t want you to be,” I uttered harshly, detesting the terseness I was putting out there, but knowing I needed to in order to make her go.

“After everything we’ve been through, how can you—”

“Without my magic, I’m not the man you fell for. I’m nothing.”

“Xavier,” my father said, shaking his head.

“It’s not true,” Alena told me.

“It is for me. And more than that, I don’t feel the same when it comes to us. I can’t feel much of anything.”

“But you said you need to keep me at a distance because—”

“Out of carnal desire and the thirst for your addictive fucking blood, Alena. That’s all. There’s no emotion there now. No care. It’s just how it is now.”

Tears pricked her eyes and I looked away. Her upset was fucking wretched to witness.

“All right,” she murmured. “A break that sounds much more like a breakup.”

“Then that’s what it is, what it needs to be,” I said, turning from her fully and folding my arms across my chest, staring at the damn wall.

I heard a sniffle, then her golden light erupted.

“She’s gone,” my dad reported.

I turned back around to face him and he was shaking his head at me. “That was unnecessary. You merely could have asked her for space.”

“And what point would there have been in that? This is what I am now. Not the being she fell for. I’m not handling this change well and I don’t want her around it, don’t want her dragged down with it all.”

“It’s obvious she doesn’t see it that way. She cares about you. Possibly more.”

I smashed my fist through a vase on the shelf to my right. “What does it matter, Dad? Huh? What does it fucking matter? You told me this shit Constantine did to me can only be reversed by him! Or his death. Neither are gonna happen in my immortal lifetime! So this is what I am now! Okay? Without my magic forevermore! She deserves better than a bitter has-been.”

“You’re focused only on the negative.”

“I can’t control it. I struggled when I was a hybrid and now it’s worse than ever. That’s what it’s gonna be like from now on… fighting every second not to go over the edge, not to allow my bloodlust to take the reins and take over everything. The only person I know I won’t ever hurt is you, and that’s because of our blood connection. There’s a wall up there because you’re my parent, I guess.”

“There is another way.”

“Black magic, right. No. No way. You’re not doing that. It’s why I faked it all these years pretending I was fine in my hybrid state, that I was excelling and loving it.”

“And you weren’t. Not at all,” he spoke, now that I’d made that clear with my outburst.

“I was afraid for you, knowing the lengths you were prepared to go to for me. I mean, trying to reverse the vampiric change… something that has never been done… it was a hell of a thing, Dad. And too much. Way too much. If you immersed yourself in black magic to the extent that it would take to perform a spell of that magnitude, I would never forgive myself.”

“I know you wouldn’t. But I also can’t allow you to continue to suffer like this.”

“What does that mean?”

The ward shuddered as he pressed his palm to it, and then a hole formed, enough for someone to walk through.

And that was exactly what happened in the next moment as my dad opened the door and Professor Dante Wilhelm strode on in.

He regarded me intently, staring far too invasively for my liking.

Could he see through my facade?

He was much more astute than most.

Merely giving me a chin lift, he turned to my dad and said with clear urgency, “We need to resume our therapy immediately. He needs help.”

“He was acclimating as a hybrid, but he’s not this time. This is different for him,” my dad said.

“You can’t feel what I can.”

My dad gave him a withering look, the lack of love lost between them blatantly obvious.

Wilhelm rolled his eyes, then explained coolly, “You are assessing him as a magic-wielder with their magic bound. That is not the case. It’s gone. You are too close to it, hopeful that it could be returned. That’s not doing him any favors. I’m assessing him as a vampire. He’s feeling the shock of the weight of the demon within taking him over wholly for the first time. He is no longer a hybrid being. It’s like being a new creation once again.”

I watched my dad take his words in and after a few moments of somber silence, he slowly nodded. “Do what you must. So long as my son feels better, that is all that matters.”

Wilhelm nodded back. “I will assist him to the best of my ability, rest assured.”

I could see how much my dad wished it could be him who was able to help me.

But it just wasn’t the case anymore.

Another awful thing about this was that I wasn’t like him at all now. And I just knew that no matter how much we tried to kid ourselves, it would weaken our bond. It would push us further from each other.

Yet another thing that I wasn’t prepared to live with.

Regret hung heavy as he teleported out in the next moment.

Wilhelm squared his shoulders and spoke, “Let’s get started. The progress we made last time is now useless given the new state of things.”

“This is a lost cause.”

“Because of your hatred for vampire kind?”

“No. There’s no hatred.”

“You abhor what you are now and what you are is a vampire, Xavier.”

“I hate that I’m a monster now, a rabid beast because I can’t control the urges. But most of all, I hate being without my magic. It was my essence, more than just a part of me, it was my identity.”

“I can teach you control even under the most extreme of circumstances. I can make you feel better about that side of things. But the grief over the loss of your magic, that’s your father’s purview. Once we start making some progress here, we’ll bring him in on our sessions.”

“Okay,” I agreed.

And that was what I did throughout as we got underway.

I agreed.

I cooperated.

But I was just going through the motions.

Because I’d sunk too deep.

Nothing mattered.

Nothing.