25. Lewis

CHAPTER 25

LEWIS

T he roar leaving my chest barely registers as I toss the side table at the wall above the hearth. If it all burned to the ground, I wouldn't care. I don't care. Everything I wanted left in my brother's truck hours ago.

The image of the last witch who tried to help me sits on Den's phone, and that was the final straw. The second I recognized who she was... I will not let Sammie get hurt. Her family has lost enough. The moments we had together feel fleeting. Like the heartbeat of a small bird trapped in the snare of its predator's teeth. My heart has been shredded into a million pieces.

I just want to die.

Where the fuck is Anjelica when you need her?

The bond between Sammie and me was so much more than a mating bond. She is my soul. They say vampires have no souls; with her, I was complete. Heart, mind, and finally a soul. One that shone like the sun and loved hard. She made me human again. I would give anything to get that back.

Anything.

But I know it won't happen now. It can't. Her life is not worth mine.

Ever.

So, in two nights' time, I will let Anjelica find me. I will stand under the brilliant, devastating moon and accept my fate.

If only to save hers.

I guess in the grand scheme of things, I should be happy I had her at all. I should be happy I had her for a handful of days. I knew weeks after meeting her that one lifetime with Sunshine couldn't come close to enough for me.

The way she looked at me when I told her to leave. That's what broke my heart. That look, the one that told me she couldn't breathe without me. How many decades does a vampire need to wait to find that? Thirty-six-plus decades, apparently.

I would wait another thousand to fold her into my chest again. To touch her face. To see the look on her face when she falls over the edge the way she did during our joining. I would live every day in hell to give her one more day of that.

Pure happiness, my Sunshine.

Growling through a moan, I pluck the drinks cart from beside the sofa and toss it with reckless abandon toward stone and mantle. It bounces, metal hitting the stone, and crashes to the marble floor, glass shattering in a glittering explosion. Amber liquid quickly floods through the chaos of wasted furniture. I heave through burning breaths, arms hanging by my side.

The door opens and slams behind me.

Denver.

His footsteps are slow. He stays silent, stopping by my side.

"I'm sorry, Lew," he rasps.

I suck back a sob and stare at the flames inching toward the whiskey on the marble. It catches, and flames whip across the spilled spirit over the floor.

"What have I done?" I choke.

"If you wanted her to stand a chance around Anjelica, you shouldn't have touched her."

"You think I don't know that? You think I didn't try to stay away from her?! She's pure fucking sunlight, like oxygen. I can't breathe without her."

His face is gripped in devastation's harsh clutch. Everything about this situation must be dragging back every morsel of agony he felt losing Zahli. I stare at the broken living room at my feet.

"Not to mention the Council. Fuck, brother! This situation turned into one hell of a mess, brother." Denver turns to find my gaze. We both know he is not talking about the strewn chaos at our feet.

"If it's any consolation, you did the right thing, sending her away."

I pull my gaze from his, back to the burning whiskey. I drop to my knees and let my head fall into my hands. It feels anything but right, being where Sammie is not. I thunder through a roar, slumping to the floor.

A hand lands on my shoulder. "Hey."

"Kill me now, Den. Please."

He squats in front of me. "Look at me, Lewis."

I don't.

"Lewis Matthias Sullivan, fucking look at me."

I drag my head up to his eyeline.

"Please, Den."

He shakes his head furiously. "Not happening. Not until we have exhausted every last option."

A moment later, he is pulling me off the floor. I stand on trembling legs, numbness creeping through my entire body like molasses on a fall morning, agonizingly slow. The grip of it passing my skin burns.

Grief cuts through his face. I almost forgot Denver is losing a brother—the only family he has left. I have been so fixated on losing Sammie, I was lost in my own pain. I suck back the sob threatening to pull me under and stagger to my feet. He rises and stands in front of me. His lumberjack coat still sports a light sprinkling of snow.

I clear my throat. "Let's go for a run. I could use something to sink my teeth into right now."

Denver goes for a laugh, but it chokes out. He nods and follows me to the front door. A heartbeat later, we fly through the forest. Too fast for the human eye to detect, not fast enough to outrun my fate.

Or the damage I have done.

I shouldn't be here. Just for coming, God or whoever pulls the strings should have struck me down. But there is no part of me that could stay away. At least seeing her eases things, if only a little. Regret, agony, desire, and sadness pull me in every direction as Sammie unknowingly walks toward me through the stacks of the Burlington town library.

Even when dealing with all this, she is the devoted student. Why did I ever give her a hard time in class? I regret it, like so many other things. The time I wasted trying to ignore the bond makes the top of my list. I'm a fucking idiot.

She is talking to someone, but her phone isn't in her hand. She exits the row and the shadow witch, Serena, appears from the next row over.

Oh.

Sammie stills, scanning the room, as if she knows I'm here but can't see me. A smile pulls up on my lips, dragging my heart rate up with it. I duck my head, hoping the hoodie I'm wearing is enough to conceal me from her. The last thing I want to do is cause her more pain.

Out of sight, out of mind. I hope it is for her. If she is feeling even a fraction of the devastation I am, I will hate myself for the rest of my days. The rest of the day ought to do it. I scoff a laugh at my own stupid humor and flip the page of the magazine on the table in front of me.

Her heart is beating steadily, as is her friend's. Thankfully, they haven't noticed me. If Denver knew where I was, he would snap my neck himself. I keep my head down. Simply being in the same space as her has my senses keening for her. Her footsteps move closer. I flip the page. My wristband and watch poke out from my sleeve.

"Fuck." Her voice is so soft, it wobbles.

Books slam onto the table across from me. I still, not wanting to look up. Wanting it to be her. Hoping she is still walking toward the door.

"Lewis." My name is a strangled breath on her lips.

"I'll leave you two be," Serena says.

Sammie swallows. I can feel her from here, across the ancient, hardwood table. Her heart is racing a million miles an hour. She whimpers. Salt penetrates the air around me. Oh god, I am the world's greatest ass. Truly.

I close my eyes before brushing the hoodie from my tousled hair. The second her tortured gaze meets mine, fire splits my chest. I stand, stumbling backward, and knock over the chair.

She stands fixated on me; shock washes out her face. Tears flow freely down her face. She places a trembling hand over her mouth. Every inch of me burns to hold her, to take away the hurt now consuming her face.

"Sammie," I choke out.

She huffs through a sob.

"I wanted to see you before?—"

She drops her hand and sobs.

Before tonight. I wanted to see her before tonight. It was selfish, and in this very moment, I hate myself for it. I hate myself for the pain in her beautiful blue eyes.

"Lew," she rasps, holding out a hand, her head tilting to the side. Her curls fall around her shoulders. What I wouldn't give to run my hands through them one last time.

"Can we talk outside?" I ask.

She nods.

I can't even carry her books. That would leave my scent on her things. Fuck this. If there is an afterlife, Anjelica is going to pay, dearly. Sammie picks up her books, hugging them to her chest, and composes herself enough to check out the bundle at the front desk. I follow a few feet behind, making sure not to get too close.

I push through the front doors of the library and traipse down the old stone steps after her. Daylight floods my vision after being under the artificial light for over an hour stalking the only woman I have ever loved. But it is dull compared to my Sunshine. She steps to the side and leans against a stone half wall, dropping the heavy bag now stuffed with what looks like reference books onto the ledge.

"Are you by yourself?" Sammie asks.

"Denver would never forgive me for coming here. It was selfish, I—" The stone rapidly materializing in my throat steals the rest of my words.

Sammie wraps her arms around herself and cycles through a handful of deep breaths. "Let me try."

"What?"

"Please, Lewis, let me try to break the curse."

Every muscle in my body tenses. Not even if hell froze over would I allow her to risk her life for mine.

"No." The word is gruff, and she flinches.

"I can do it. At least I think I can. Serena?—"

"No. The answer is a resounding no, Sunshine."

Her chin wobbles. My last few moments with her, and I am making her upset. Fuck. World's biggest loser, right here.

"I'm sorry, Sunshine. God, I am an ass. But the answer is still no. I would never accept your life for mine. Not happening. It's not your burden to carry."

"You are not a burden, Lewis." She moves closer. Every part of me burns to hold her. "You are my mate. And I want to fight for you. Please, can I try?"

I study her face. How did I get so lucky, so late? I step back and she all but crumples back onto the stone behind her.

"Promise me one thing, Sunshine."

She refuses to meet my gaze, letting hers fall to the ground, shaking her head as if it will change my mind about keeping her safe. After a handful of heartbeats, she looks from the ground to me. "Whatever it is, it's yours."

I am losing the most perfect person in the world. Dammit, Sammie.

"Promise me you will stay away from Anjelica. Stay away. Stay alive. Please, Sammie."

Her arms fold over her chest and she straightens, her chin trembling and tears welling at the bottom of her eyes.

"I promise to stay alive, Lewis."

"Sunshine," I growl.

She tilts her chin up, eyes burning into mine.

Good, hate me. Stay alive.

"I promise to stay away," she almost snarls through her teeth.

If it wasn't her life on the line, that sound from her pretty face would almost be humorous. But she's not laughing, and nor am I.

"Goodbye, Sunshine."

God, I want to hold her. Every inch of me vibrates with the need to fold her into my arms and take away the ache in her chest currently etching sadness over her face.

I turn on my heel and wander toward the parking lot. The Mustang blends in with the other cars, parked in the far back.

I walk away. Every step heavy and too far.

Fire burns in my core. I want to scream. I want to trash every single car in this stupid lot.

"Bye, Lewis," she whispers, sucking in a long, shaky breath.

I don't turn back.

One foot after the other.

She slides down the wall and collapses onto the ground, sobs heaving from her chest.

Footsteps, quick and light.

Muffled words. Whimpers.

Serena must have found her.

"Shhhh, babe. It's going to be okay."

"It's never going to be okay again, Rena," she chokes and screams into her hands.

Her heart flings against her ribs, blood gushing through her veins. I make it to my car and try to tune out every single noise she makes. I fire up the Mustang and fly backward before shoving it into gear. I peel out of the parking lot at a ridiculous speed, not letting myself look at the steps to the library. My already shattered heart would stop its half-assed attempt at beating altogether if I did.

After a mile, I pull over, letting the car idle. I fling the door open and fall onto my knees in the dirt by the side of the road. Screams turn to roars. I grab my hair, forehead hitting the dirt and murky snow. Never before has anything come close to breaking me. Three centuries, and not so much as a scratch from this bloodthirsty life.

One happy blue-eyed blonde waltzes in, breathing life into my stagnant existence, and I am devastated. As if Denver and I haven't lost enough, watching our family die around us. Losing every friend and having to move more times than I care to remember.

If Anjelica wants to end me, she has a fight on her hands.

I will not go easy.