23. Sofia

23

SOFIA

I t’s been ten days since I’ve seen Angelo, and the ache in my chest feels like a physical wound. I miss him so much it hurts to breathe sometimes.

But this is for the best , I remind myself. If I’m not with him, Gino won’t target him anymore. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself, even as doubt gnaws at the edges of my resolve.

A door slams, and I hear Lou stomping around in her room. She’s been so angry lately, refusing to let me walk her to school. “I only want Angelo,” she declared the first morning we moved into Zip’s apartment, her chin jutting out defiantly.

I don’t have the energy to argue. Truth is, I don’t have energy for much of anything these days. I’m constantly tired, a bone-deep exhaustion that no amount of sleep seems to cure. And the nausea… it comes in waves, leaving me dizzy and weak.

I should probably see a doctor, but the thought of leaving the apartment fills me with dread. What if Gino is watching? What if he decides to make good on his threats?

So instead, I stay here, trapped in this self-imposed exile. I tell myself it’s for Angelo’s protection, for Lou’s. But in my darkest moments, I wonder if I’m just being a coward.

Zip is disappointed in me—I could hear it in his voice when I explained the situation to him. His voice is stronger now, but I can still hear the disappointment underlying his words. He doesn’t say it outright, but I know he thinks I’m making a mistake by pushing Angelo away.

Maybe he’s right. But I can’t bring myself to face that possibility right now.

“How’s Nonno?” Lou asks, peeking her head into the room. I’m surprised she’s willingly talking to me, but it’s better than her ignoring me and being sullen and defiant.

I force a smile. “He’s doing much better. The nurse at Grandma Cher’s is taking good care of him.”

Lou’s eyebrows shoot up. “I still can’t believe Grandma Cher is being nice.”

Neither can I, to be honest. It’s so unlike my mother to be selfless, to open her home and pay for round-the-clock care. Part of me wonders if our last confrontation finally got through to her, if she’s trying to make amends.

But another part of me, a larger part, is too tired to care. My mother’s sudden change of heart doesn’t erase years of neglect and disappointment.

“People can surprise you sometimes,” I say to Lou, not sure if I believe it myself.

There’s a knock at the door, and my heart lurches. It’s Angelo, I know it.

Lou grabs her backpack and tells me goodbye, leaving me alone in this empty apartment.

I can almost feel Angelo’s arms around me, hear his voice telling me everything will be okay.

But he’s not here. And it’s my fault.

A wave of nausea hits me, and I stumble to the bathroom. As I retch into the toilet, tears streaming down my face, a terrifying thought occurs to me.

When was my last period?

The realization hits me like a punch to the gut. No. It can’t be. Not now. Not when everything is falling apart.

But as I sink to the bathroom floor, my hand unconsciously moving to my stomach, I know.

Everything has just gotten a whole lot more complicated.

I message Shawn.

Can you come over? Please?

Of course. You okay?

No .

I stare at the two pregnancy tests on the bathroom counter, their positive results glaring back at me accusingly. The world seems to tilt on its axis, and I grab the edge of the sink to steady myself.

How could this have happened? The rational part of my brain knows exactly how, of course. In all the chaos with Gino and Jonah, I forgot to renew my birth control prescription. Such a simple oversight, and now…

A wave of nausea hits me, and I’m not sure if it’s morning sickness or sheer panic. Memories of my pregnancy with Lou flood back, unwelcome and overwhelming. The fear, the isolation, the judgment in my mother’s eyes when I told her. I was just a scared teenager then, alone and terrified.

And now? I’m older, but the fear feels just as paralyzing.

I slide down to the cold tile floor, my back against the bathtub. My hand moves unconsciously to my still-flat stomach, and I’m hit with a confusing mix of emotions. There’s fear, yes, but also a flicker of something else. Hope? Love? I push those feelings down, not ready to examine them too closely.

A knock at the door barely registers through my shock. I can’t move, can’t think beyond the two little pink lines that have just turned my world upside down.

My phone rings, startling me out of my daze. It’s Shawn.

“Fee? Are you okay? I’m outside your door. What’s going on? You’re scaring me.”

I force myself to my feet, moving as if in a dream. I open the door to see Shawn’s worried face.

Without a word, I hold up a pregnancy test.

Shawn’s eyes widen, her mouth dropping open. “Shit,” she breathes.

That single word breaks something in me. I collapse into Shawn’s arms, sobs racking my body. She holds me tightly, murmuring soothing words I can’t quite make out.

“I can’t do this again,” I choke out between sobs. “I can’t be alone with this. Not again.”

Shawn guides us to the couch. Her fingers run soothingly through my hair, but it does little to calm the storm of emotions raging inside me.

“Have you told Angelo yet?” Shawn asks gently.

I shake my head, hiccupping through my tears. “N–No. I just found out. God, Shawn, how can I tell him? After everything…”

“Fee, honey, you have to tell him. He deserves to know.”

The thought of facing Angelo, of admitting to this new complication, sends a fresh wave of panic through me. “Maybe… maybe I don’t have to tell him. Maybe I could just…”

“Sofia Saldano,” Shawn cuts me off, her voice firm. “Don’t you dare finish that thought. You are not going to hide this from Angelo. He is not Jonah.”

“But what if he doesn’t want it?” I whisper, voicing my deepest fear. “What if he thinks I’ve trapped him?”

Shawn pulls back, forcing me to meet her eyes. “Fee, that man loves you. He’s been there for Lou, for you, through all of this mess. Do you really think he’d walk away now? The only reason that man is not here is because you won’t let him.”

I shake my head, but the doubt lingers. “I’m scared, Shawn. What if I turn out like my mother? What if I’m not good enough?”

“Stop right there,” Shawn says firmly. “You are nothing like your mother. You’re an amazing mom to Lou, and you’ll be amazing to this baby too. And Angelo? He’s not going to go on some jealous rampage. He’s been levelheaded through all of this. He’s the love of your life, Fee. Give him a chance.”

Her words slowly sink in, cutting through my panic. She’s right. Angelo deserves to know.

“Lou should know first,” I finally say, wiping my eyes. “Can you stay with me until I tell her?”

Shawn hugs me tightly. “Of course I can.”

The hours seem to pass by slowly, my stomach in knots as we wait for Lou to return from school. Shawn’s presence is comforting, but it can’t entirely quell my anxiety about Gino’s threat or the complexity of my situation. I keep those darker thoughts to myself, not wanting to burden Shawn or risk implicating her in any way.

Finally, we hear the key in the lock. Lou steps in, stopping short when she sees Shawn.

“Aunt Shawn!” she exclaims, her face lighting up. “What are you doing here?”

Then her eyes land on me, and her smile fades. “Mom? Have you been crying? What’s wrong?”

I take a deep breath, patting the spot next to me on the couch. “Come here, Lou. I have something to tell you.”

Lou drops her backpack and approaches cautiously, her eyes darting between Shawn and me. She’s always been too perceptive for her own good.

“Lou,” I begin, my voice trembling slightly. “I… I’m pregnant. You’re going to have a little brother or sister.”

There’s a moment of silence that feels like an eternity. I brace myself for anger, for disappointment. But then…

“Really?” Lou shrieks, her face breaking into a huge grin. “I’m going to be a big sister? This is the best news ever!”

She throws her arms around me, nearly knocking me over in her excitement. “I’ve always wanted a sibling! Oh, this is so cool! Angelo’s going to be such a great dad! And now he’ll be my dad, too!”

My heart clenches at her words. I don’t have the heart to confirm to her that Angelo and I aren’t exactly together right now. But at least he’s been there for Lou, showing up when she needs him.

“When can we tell Angelo?” Lou asks, bouncing with excitement, her eyes sparkling. “Can we call him now? Please?”

I exchange a glance with Shawn, who gives me an encouraging nod. “Actually, sweetie, I haven’t told Angelo yet. I wanted you to know first.”

Lou's eyes widen. “Really? I get to know before Angelo?” She puffs up with pride. “Don’t worry, Mom. I can keep a secret. But you should tell him soon. He’s going to be so happy!”

As I watch Lou’s excitement, I feel a mix of emotions. Joy at her happiness, fear about the future, and a deep longing for Angelo. Maybe Lou’s right. Maybe he will be happy about this.

It takes another few days before I finally work up the courage to be at the door when I know Lou will be coming home.

I hear Lou’s excited chatter, and I open the door, surprising both Angelo and Lou. Angelo’s eyes meet mine, his smile warm but tinged with concern, and my heart jumps at the sight of him. God, he looks so good .

“Fee,” he says softly. “It’s good to see you.”

“You too,” I reply, my heart racing. “I was hoping… would you like to stay for dinner?”

Angelo’s dark eyebrows raise slightly in surprise. “Are you sure?”

Lou bounces on her toes. “Please, Angelo? Mom made lasagna. It’s the best!”

I can see the hesitation in Angelo’s eyes, but it quickly melts away at Lou’s enthusiasm. “Well, how can I say no to the best lasagna?” He chuckles, a smile curving his full lips.

As we move to the kitchen, I can feel the weight of unspoken words between us. I watch as Angelo helps Lou set the table, their easy rapport making my heart ache.

“So,” Angelo says, turning to me. “How have you been?”

I open my mouth, ready to finally tell him about the baby, but Lou interrupts.

“Mom’s been great! She’s been teaching me how to make cannoli. Right, Mom?”

I nod, forcing a smile. “That’s right, sweetie. Why don’t you go wash up before dinner?”

As Lou scampers off, Angelo steps closer. "Fee, is everything okay? You look… worried.”

This is it , I think. This is my chance . “Actually, Angelo, there’s something I need to tell you?—”

But before I can continue, Angelo’s phone buzzes. He glances at it, his face hardening. “Sorry, I need to take this. It’s about… business.”

I watch as he steps away to answer the call, my confession once again stuck in my throat. Will I ever find the right moment to tell him about our baby?

When Angelo returns, he helps Lou set the table and my hand unconsciously drifts to my stomach, the weight of my secret heavy between us. Lou scampers into the kitchen to grab some cutlery, and I finally find my moment.

“Angelo,” I start, my voice hesitant. “There’s something I need to tell you?—”

He looks up, his eyes intense. “Actually, Fee, there’s something I need to talk to you about too. It’s about Gino.”

My heart sinks. “What about him?”

Angelo’s jaw tightens. “He’s getting more aggressive. I’m worried about your safety… about Lou’s safety.”

“We’re fine, Angelo,” I insist, my heart thumping. “You’ve got security on us?—”

“It’s not enough,” he cuts me off, his voice hard. “I think you and Lou need to get out of town for a while.”

I blink, taken aback. “What? We can’t just leave. What about Perfezione? Lou’s school?”

“Fee, please,” Angelo says, his voice softening. “This is serious. Gino’s not playing games anymore.”

I open my mouth to tell him about the baby, but he continues, “I’ve got a safe house upstate. You and Lou would be comfortable there until I can deal with Gino.”

“Angelo, I appreciate your concern, but?—”

“But nothing,” he interrupts. “This isn’t just about you anymore. Think about Lou.”

The irony of his words isn’t lost on me. If only he knew…

“Speaking of Lou,” I try again, “there’s something you should know?—”

But Angelo’s already shaking his head. “Whatever it is, it can wait. Your safety comes first. Promise me you’ll at least think about it?”

I sigh, recognizing the determination in his eyes. “Okay, I’ll think about it. But Angelo, there’s really something I need to tell you?—”

The timer goes off in the kitchen. “Mom! Dinner is ready!”

I visibly deflate.

Angelo squeezes my hand. “We’ll talk more after dinner, okay? Let’s not worry Lou.”

As we sit down to eat, the words I need to say stick in my throat. Angelo spends the meal outlining his plans for our safety, and I can’t find the right moment to interject with my news.

By the time Angelo leaves, promising to check in tomorrow, I still haven’t told him. As I close the door behind him, I lean against it, closing my eyes.

“Mom?” Lou’s voice breaks through my thoughts as she hovers by the table. “Did you tell him?”

I shake my head. “Not yet, love. The timing wasn’t right.”

Lou frowns. “But Mom, he needs to know. He’s going to be so excited!”

“I know, Lou. I’ll tell him soon. I promise.”

But I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve missed an important opportunity. But with Gino’s threats looming over us, maybe Angelo’s right. Maybe our safety needs to come first.

Still, as I lie in bed that night, my hand resting on my stomach, I can’t help but wonder, how long can I keep this secret? And what will happen when Angelo finally finds out?