Chapter 15 Shea

I bit my lip as I stared out the window of the train, the city rushing by in a blur. These trips were becoming pretty regular. Not that I minded. The big city called to me, reaching out with promises of life and activity like I'd never have in Shallow Grave. It didn't hurt that my best friend went to school here. Of course, on this particular Saturday morning, that was only my alibi.

And well, I was going to be meeting up with Arya and Ashlyn—apparently Ashlyn got dumped and needed a day out—I was just making a little pit stop first.

I hugged my book bag tighter, glancing around at the other passengers. No one paid me any mind, which suited me just fine.

I pulled my hat off, the warmth of the car finally becoming too much for the layers I'd worn. Chicago in the winter was nothing to mess around with, and I had stopped just shy of a snowsuit when gearing up for this outing. Now, I was roasting.

I could feel my hair sticking up as the static electricity made stray strands weightless. Whatever.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket for what must have been the twentieth time and opened it to the text thread with Caesar. I wanted so badly to ask him about Julian, but I had no idea how to start that conversation.

How did they come to know each other? Were they, like, best buddies or something? Did they know they were both pseudo-messing around with me?

Omigod, what if this was some kind of game they played with each other? Was that why Julian had sought me out that night? Did they orchestrate this whole weird love triangle?

Holy crap, were they planning to turn this into a menage à trois kinda thing?

A pang of lust slammed into my core. I mean, I could be down with that. It was better than messing around with each of them in secret and feeling as guilty as I did now.

I shook my head as reality cleared the ridiculousness of my hormonal insanity. No, that was silly. Julian had made it pretty clear that he didn't actually want me like that. That our little coup d'etat the other night had been a mistake. Oh, the sting of rejection!

I stared at the messages on my phone.

Caesar hadn't really reached out to me since our phone sex the other night. Maybe that was all I was to him. Just some fling to indulge in when he was bored. And it wasn't like I actually expected him to declare his love for me or anything—that would be utterly absurd. I was fine just having fun with him, and damn, was the sex amazing!

So, I really had nothing to feel guilty about. Right?

Ugh, men suck.

After typing and deleting several messages over and over again, I finally settled on, "What are you up to? "

The train hissed to a stop at Conservatory and Central Park Drive, and I stood, hat and phone in hand. I hurried out with the crowd, taking one gulp of the cold air, and began fumbling with gloved hands to put the hat on without losing grip of the phone.

I quickly scurried across the crosswalk to the conservatory, where I was supposed to meet Julian .

The warmth of the conservatory wrapped around me like a blanket as I walked through the doors. The lobby was modest, and I found an out-of-the-way spot to get situated. I pulled off my winter gear and stuffed them into the book bag, which I wedged between my feet.

Then I remembered my hair. Sighing, I grabbed a hair tie from my bag—which I kept for just such an emergency—and pulled my unruly hair into a ponytail. When I finished, I pulled the bag back into my arms.

The greenery just past the doors looked lush and welcoming, and I briefly wondered if Julian had wandered in while he waited. Not that I was that late. I held up my phone to check the time. Yep. Only a few minutes past two. Not enough to bore the vampire. Did eternal creatures get bored? He certainly didn't have much by way of entertainment in his place, so I assumed the answer was no.

Although, with my ADHD brain, it didn't take long for me to get bored. I opened my texts to see if I had somehow missed anything from Caesar.

Nothing.

I sighed and turned off my screen, but as soon as I lowered my phone to my lap, it vibrated in my hand. Not even a vampire could match the speed with which I snapped the device back in front of my face and opened the screen with a swipe of my finger.

"Very busy. And I have a lot to think about… "

I frowned. That was it? No flirtation or funny memes? Why was he being so vague all of a sudden? Gah, I hate men!

"What's with the scowl?"

The sudden presence behind me made me startle. I shrieked as I whirled around. "Julian!"

I punched his arm, which was, unfortunately, hard as a rock. Huffing, I shook my hand to try to get rid of the prickling sensation, then I blacked out the screen and stuffed the cell into my bag.

"What took you so long?"

"Believe it or not, I've got other projects I'm working on," he replied coolly.

I cocked a grin at him. "More important than mine?"

He met my gaze, and the look on his face wiped away my mirth. "No. Not more important, but certainly more dangerous."

"Oh. Like what?"

Julian nodded toward the interior of the conservatory. "Let's talk in there."

I nodded and followed him in.

The air grew humid as we passed through the doors, emerald palms towering above us. I could almost imagine myself on some forgotten island. A pond reflected the greenery, filling the space even as it created room.

We followed the sound of pattering water around a bend, revealing a waterfall that looked like it was ripped straight from nature. The way it fell on and over the moss-and fern-covered rocks was almost musical. Yeah, I'd have to come back here .

Julian eyed the bag I clutched. "That looks heavy. May I?"

He held out his hand, and I gave it to him. "Thanks."

He picked it up like it weighed nothing. After I've been lugging it around like a kettle bell all day.

"Come on. I'll show you my favorite room."

With the bag over his shoulder, he navigated left and into a narrower portion of the conservatory. The smell hit me first, reminding me of a hair salon with all its fruity, tropical scents. The heat was almost oppressive with my sweater on, so I pushed my sleeves up my arms.

"It's great," I said, though I wasn't sure there was much difference from the last room. They were all green to me.

Julian ran his fingers along one of the leaves. "I used to work in an orchard. These trees and plants aren't quite the same, but I get the same feeling when I'm around them." His fingers curled back again, as if he'd been burned.

My heart warmed at this insight into Julian's past, and I wanted to know more. I wanted to know everything.

"What was it like?" I asked, inviting him to share more.

He let out an amused huff, his eyes focused on the distant past. "Tending an orchard? Hard work. Quiet. I worked for good people. That's where I met Alice."

"Oh…" The sudden mention of his wife, whom I was supposed to bring back from the dead, took me off guard. "What was she like?"

When his gaze met mine, it was burdened with longing—a look I could've misplaced if I didn't know better. "She was beautiful, smart, witty. And taken far too young."

"I'm sorry," I said softly, mostly because I couldn't stand the pain on his face. "I couldn't imagine what that would be like. "

Without thinking about it, I put my hand on his shoulder, trying to will comfort into him through my touch. Not by magic, just by age-old physical contact.

His eyes lingered on mine for a moment, and I felt that trance-like daze coming over me again—the mindless need to be closer to him.

It wasn't until he took a step back that I realized—with deep mortification—that I'd somehow gravitated within an inch or two of his face. I withdrew my traitorous hand and clasped both of them behind my back where they could do no further damage.

He cleared his throat. "Yes, well, what is it you wanted to show me?"

Swallowing my embarrassment, I looked around, but there weren't many people at the conservatory today, and the few that were were far enough away not to be a problem. "You remember the plant spell?"

Julian nodded.

"Well, I figured out what the words mean. Kinda."

He lifted a brow. "How does that help?"

"If you understand the arcane language, you can make your own spells." I pursed my lips as I watched Julian's face light up.

"You understand the language, then?"

I snorted. He must be crazy. "Nooo. Not the whole language. But I kinda understand that spell, which gave me an idea for changing it so it works on living things."

"Humans?"

I sucked a breath through my teeth. I'd been trying the spell out on every dead creature I could find—flies, squirrels, even a dead bird I'd found on the side of the road. But humans? I was sooo not ready for that yet. Not that I'd admit it, least of all to him.

"I don't know. Maybe? Magic can be a little...finicky. I need to try it out on something first. Like a squirrel or a—"

"A cat?"

"Yeah. Sure, I guess. As long as it's a small one."

I went back to chewing on my lip. Honestly, I worried a cat of any size might be too big, but I didn't want to tell Julian that. Not much had come of my first attempts, and I had to keep tweaking my tweaks. But I'd had a breakthrough just this morning. At least, I thought so.

"Okay. Well, let's test it out." He looked up at the tree in front of us, assumedly beginning his search.

"It's not that simple. We have to use—" my eyes traced some people wandering through our section of the conservatory "—something that isn't alive," I hissed.

"Ah, of course. There's this creature that's been caterwauling down the street for the past week. I'm sure I can find the cat behind it."

I blinked. "Oh. Okay."

It would be today, then. I didn't know why that surprised me. It was the reason I'd come, but I didn't expect to be able to find a test subject so soon. If I were being completely honest, I'd kinda hoped this would be more of a get-to-know-you session. The conservatory was certainly romantic and intimate enough. But now I'd be performing magic. And in front of him .

I pushed up my stupidly thick sleeves again as my pulse kicked into high gear .

He looked me over, a frown pulling at those pouty lips. "Unless you're not ready."

"Pfft. Nah. I'm just a little nervous, is all. I mean, there's always the chance it doesn't work." Or, you know, I die or something.

The attempt I made at resurrecting the bird had landed me in bed for two days with flu-like symptoms. And it hadn't even worked. Altering spells could be a tricky thing, which was why witches had taken to writing everything down in grimoires. That, and it made it easier to recall and pass on working magic spells.

I sniffed. I can do this. There was one more tweak I wanted to try, anyway, and maybe a recently deceased subject would be easier to work with.

"Okay, how do you want this thing to go down?"

"I'll go find the cat while you head to the apartment?"

"Sure." I pulled down my sleeves hoping to trap some of the heat. Cooling off would feel good once I got in the wintry Chicago air, but after that?

Julian nodded. "Then let's go."

He turned to leave, but my hand shot out to stop him. "My bag?"

"Of course."

He handed it back over. I put it on the floor as I retrieved my coat, stuffing the hat and gloves in the pockets. I'd wait until I was outside to finish up. "Thanks. See you soon!"

But when I looked up, Julian was already gone.

I sighed. "That's gonna take some getting used to."

* * *

Ten minutes later, I was back at Julian's apartment. And I didn't even need to use magic to get in this time, thanks to the key he'd given me. My key. The thought made me feel warm and rosy all over.

My coat, hat and gloves lay on the counter, while the book was resting on the blanket I'd left on the floor. He didn't move it. Was that because he hadn't been there, or because he wanted to keep that spot for me? I liked the idea of the latter one, no matter how far-fetched it might be.

I'd checked my text messages on the ride over. Caesar hadn't sent anything else, no elaboration on his cryptic text. I decided there was no need to respond. If he was going to start being all weird and distant—like he promised he wouldn't—then I wasn't going to spend too much emotional effort on him.

The door banged open, and Julian stepped in. A large gray shorthair with a white stripe running from his snout down to his nether region was in Julian's hand, gripped by the scruff of his neck. The cat was growling, a low, dark sound coming from its throat.

I gulped as I took in the sheer size of the feline. I'd told Julian I wanted a small one, right?

Julian hissed back, the gesture more animal than human. The prickle of fear at the sight of his bared fangs was accompanied by a very confusing jolt of desire. In that moment, the vampire was all predator, and on an instinctual level, I knew I was the prey. The cat probably felt a similar discomfort with the situation, as his eyes darted in every direction.

He closed the door with his foot, bringing the cat further in. "Sorry. It's a rather annoying creature. "

"Are you really one to talk?" I asked, folding my arms to steady myself.

He laughed, the hearty, good-natured sound scattering the last vapors of my fear. "I suppose not. Come on. Let's get started." He twisted the cat's neck so fast I didn't have time to think.

I winced and turned away from the creature, unable to look at the odd angle of its neck without freaking out.

"A little warning next time!" I snapped, pulling my arm over my nose and breathing from my mouth.

"But look, no blood." I didn't have to look at him to hear the devilish smirk he must have been wearing.

"You know, you can be a real scary motherfucker sometimes," I groused, shooting him a glare while avidly avoiding looking directly at the dead creature he still held aloft.

Yep, the bastard was smirking at me. "You do realize I'm a vampire, right?"

"Yeah, but you don't have to go all ‘I vant to suck your—'" I snapped my jaw tightly shut before I could finish, the entire surface of my face burning.

Something dark and predatory twinkled in his eyes as they bore into me, making my pulse beat to a dangerous—yet yearning—tune.

In the blink of an eye—though I was too paralyzed by his intensity to dare close mine for even a second—he was in front of me.

My breaths came in such shallow, quick bursts that I could hardly breathe at all as I looked up at his deadly, beautiful face. And for so long that I lost track of the seconds or minutes, we just stared at each other, his body so close to mine we were almost touching. Almost .

His throat bobbed as he swallowed, then he said in a low, husky voice, "I have never wanted to suck anyone's blood…until you."

My heart shot up into my throat, making it now impossible to breathe, let alone respond to such a thrilling and devastating statement.

I wanted him to do it again, so badly it scared me. I slowly angled my neck to the side, centimeter by centimeter, subconsciously inviting him to take what he wanted.

Then, just as suddenly, he was several steps away from me, his face an emotionless mask. "If it offends you, I'll fetch a cover for it."

My heart dislodged itself from my throat and descended back into my chest, allowing me to take a slow, steadying breath before he returned, an ominous bundle wrapped in what looked like a pillow case held in the crook of his arm like an infant.

"Th–thank you," I practically croaked, my mouth was so dry.

I straightened my spine and made my way on shaky legs to the blanket. After that distraction, how the fuck was I going to be able to concentrate on this spell?

Pretend it didn't happen. Pretend it didn't happen. He did not just say any of that.

I plopped down in front of the book, not allowing my gaze to wander to the lumpy fabric, and opened to the plant spell page. A loose leaf of bright white notebook paper stood stark against the time-worn pages, and I plucked it out with trembling fingers, reading back over my notes.

The wording had to be tweaked a little to affect a life with a soul. It had taken several tries, but I thought I finally had it. Maybe .

There was just one problem.

I cleared my throat. "So, I found out that the original spell drew from my life force. I'm not keen on the idea of giving up my life for your lady love, or whatever."

Julian flinched so subtly I thought I imagined it, then a small crease formed in his brow as he looked at me. "Nor would I ask you to do so."

I nodded, more than a little relieved at his reaction. "Good. Well, I was thinking to myself, you know, Shea? You've got a vampire on your team. He's a creature of limitless life force."

His brows flared in understanding. "You want to draw from me for the spell? Would that even work? I'm not entirely sure I qualify as alive ."

My shoulders sagged. "I don't know. It's all just theory until I try it out. And even then, experimental spells can have...unforeseen consequences." I pulled my lips inward and clamped down on them as I waited for his response.

"If you're talking about death, I have nothing to lose."

I nodded, even though my gut twisted. The undead guy has a death wish. Figures. "Okay. Then you're ready?"

He nodded.

"I'll need you to sit beside me." I patted the spot on the blanket to my right, trying like hell not to blush.

For once, he moved toward me with measured slowness and sat next to me as if being so close was painful. I felt the same way.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I couldn't think about the consequences. Not now. Despite the obvious and abundant perils of our liaison…I didn't want anything bad to happen to him .

Focusing once more on the page I'd created, I began intoning the words of the spell. "Di ankh nehep sem."

The first tingles of magic danced in the tips of my fingers, gathering strength from the blood pumping through my veins. I took a moment to savor the feeling.

Picking up Julian's hand, I placed it on top of the fabric, then covered it with my own. His frigid skin sent a shiver through me, and I snuck a glance at the vampire that had so consumed my life. Did he know how I felt?

"Fadj her uat netjer wap wadj ka hudjefa," I said, and the atmosphere in the apartment changed, the light dimming.

"Di ankh nehep sem." Energy bubbled under my hand, and I focused on moving it downward. Julian sucked in a breath, and I hesitated a moment, but I couldn't stop it now. A half-cast spell was as bad as a mis-cast one. Besides, it was basically done.

"Tenn!" I ended, letting out a long breath with the final syllable.

I closed my eyes and pressed my hands to my face to cover my eyes.

"So?" I asked Julian after several moments, hoping he was in a good enough condition to answer me. I had a flash of morbidity, envisioning leaning over the vampire's corpse, reviving him with a magical kiss. Idiot.

Julian let out a whisper of a breath, and a moment later I heard fabric moving.

"Julian?" I asked, sliding a finger aside so I could peek through.

The cat was curled up in Julian's lap, looking as cozy and happy as could be. And he was alive .

I pulled my hands away, my eyes widening. I blinked a few times, wondering if the scene would change. It didn't. A smile began to grow on my face.

"We did it." I turned my smile to Julian, who wore an adorable half-smile of his own, a hand resting on the cat's back. "We did it!"

" You did it," he corrected, his glassy eyes shimmering with what looked like reverence.

"Yeah, I guess I did."

But something felt…weird. Maybe it was because it was so surreal, or maybe I just wanted to play it cool in front of the vampire, but the excitement quickly fizzled. It didn't feel quite the same as when I'd revived the plant.

I stared at the cat, wondering what I was sensing. "Hey, look! He likes you now." I reached out a hand to pet the cat, but he hissed, swatting at me.

Julian caught the offending paw before it could do any damage and hissed at the cat, who settled back down, though it continued to look at me through narrowed eyes.

I stuck my tongue out at the creature. "Ungrateful mange. Ugh. The thanks I get."

I looked back at Julian, who was petting the cat now, a curious expression on his face. The gray-and-white fur looked like it belonged, perfectly meshing with Julian's admittedly boring choice in wardrobe. My vampire looked so adorable.

I put my hands on my cheeks. I wasn't dying with fatigue. Maybe that was the difference? "How do you feel?"

He gave me a sideways glance but didn't respond.

Concern flared in my gut, and I scooted closer, putting my hands on his upper arm, forgetting all about the cat. "Julian, what is it? "

Oh god, is he dying? Is he in pain and just doesn't want to tell me?

"I made sure to drink more than I needed to before seeing you," he said in a low voice. "I didn't expect this spell to drain me so."

"Are you hurt?" I asked, my tone pitching high with my worry.

"Yes—no, I'm…" He said the broken words through clenched teeth, strain clear on his expression. "Thirsty."

When his eyes met mine, that familiar predatory gleam was there, just like the day he'd attacked me just over there, against that curtain. My pulse spiked again, my insides aching with this dark and exciting threat.

I lifted my hand toward his face and tentatively brushed my fingertips over his cheek.

"What are you doing?" he practically growled, but with fear rather than menace.

"Let me help you with that," I purred, scooting even closer.

"Shea," he grunted in warning. "You don't know what you're asking."

"I do," I insisted. "It's my fault that you're so drained, and I can offer you a quick fix."

He shook his head, but I cupped his cheek with my palm to stop him.

"We both want this," I said as seductively as I could. "Let me give this to you."

His forehead wrinkled like he was in agony, even as he pressed his hand over mine on his cheek. "What if I can't stop? "

Holy shit, why is that so hot!?

"I have faith in you," I cooed, lifting up with my knees and leaning closer to brush a kiss over his full lips.

He was so stiff with restraint that no part of his body moved until my lips parted from his. Raising my free hand over my shoulder, I pulled the tail of my hair back to one side, exposing my neck right in front of his conflicted face.

"Bite me," I whispered.

He inclined toward me slowly and touched his lips to my throat, and I swooned at the feather-light contact. His breath tickled my flesh, and he pressed his lips more firmly against my skin.

With the brush of his arm, he pushed the ornery cat off his lap and rose on his knees, too, to pull me into an intimate and gentle embrace as he opened his mouth over my neck. But he didn't so much as graze me with his fangs, just kissed and licked and sucked, making me burn with desire for him.

I pressed closer against his hard, powerful body, gleeful to feel the bulge of his desire for me—or at least my blood. I slid my hand between our bodies and rubbed my palm over the solid ridge beneath his pants.

He hissed against my throat. "Shea."

"Take what you need," I implored as I pressed my palm up and down in a slow rhythm.

With a final, pained groan, he spread his mouth wide over my neck and sunk his teeth in, the pierce of his fangs shooting pleasure and pain from my neck to my core.

I cradled the back of his head with one hand while I continued to rub and cup his hard groin with the other. I wanted to please him because the sensation of him sucking on me was amazing! How could this feel so damned good? It was like a constant orgasm with no wax or wane.

And he drank from me slowly, as if savoring the taste of me. In this moment, he was no monster but a god. And I was more than willing to be his sacrificial lamb.

I wanted to urge him to do more to my body, to take me in every way, but I could tell he was struggling to restrain himself. I wanted him to prove to himself that he could do this with me, without fear of consequence or over-indulgence. But I couldn't stop myself from stroking the material over the tip of his cock with my fingers.

After what seemed a blissful eternity, yet still not nearly long enough, he removed his fangs, licked my neck with one long swipe of his tongue, and then placed a sweet kiss there before pulling away and coming eye level with me.

"See," I panted, barely audible. "I knew you could do it."

Even with my blood tinting his lips, he still looked stunningly gorgeous—probably more so.

I didn't realize I was still fondling his erection until he gripped my wrist and pulled it away.

"If you keep doing that, I'm going to lose control," he warned.

I would have made a playful, insinuating comment, but the dangerous look in his eyes told me I'd better bite my tongue. So I just nodded and reluctantly made some space between us.

"Have you done that before?" I asked. "Lost control, I mean."

He nodded. "When I was first allied with the vampires, I fed on a willing human—one of their pets, for lack of a better word. I went too far and killed her. It destroyed me."

At the agonized guilt on his face, I wanted to touch him again but thought better of it at the last second .

"I vowed to never drink directly from someone again."

"I'm sorry," I said. "Do you…um… Do you always get turned on when you feed?"

He looked down at the floor, shame joining the pity party in his expression. "No. I haven't felt that way about anyone since…"

Oooooohhh. I suddenly understood. He did feel something for me, and it made him feel guilty because of his loyalty to—

"Alice," I finished for him, and he nodded.

Well, now what? What could I possibly say after that? Forget your dead wife and be with me instead? No, that would be an awful thing to do. Especially now that we knew I really could bring her back.

Why did I have to feel this way about him?

"Well, how about, until we bring your wife back, you can feed from me whenever you need to," I suggested. "No strings attached."

He lifted his gaze up to mine, surprise and something else in his expression. "Really?"

"Yeah," I said, trying like hell to keep the excitement and hope out of my voice. "And, you know, if you happen to indulge other needs at the same time, it's totally cool."

The chuckle he gave was darkened with disdain and self-loathing. "What would Alice think of what I've become?"

"I think she would think the same thing I do. That you're a sweet, broody, beautiful man." Unable to resist any longer, I leaned in and planted a soft kiss on his forehead.

Then, with the greatest show of willpower I'd ever displayed, I rose to my feet and stepped away from him. "I should go. I'm supposed to meet some friends in a bit. What're you gonna do about the cat?"

Julian shrugged, looking at the thing as it sat a few feet away from him, licking its own balls. "I suppose I should keep an eye on it for a bit, just to make sure the spell worked as intended."

"Good idea." I eyed the cat. "Do you think anyone will miss him?"

Julian shook his head. "I'm certain he's feral."

I shouldered my bag, ready once more to brave the winter weather. "My offer was sincere. And like Pizza Hut, I deliver."

This time, his laughter was authentic and mirthful once more, and it made me smile to see his spirits lifted.

"Make sure you take good care of Rainbow!" I called over my shoulder as I slipped out of the apartment. Julian's laughter at the cat's new name carried through the door.

The brisk air chilled me as I exited the lobby and headed toward the train. My emotions tumbled as I replayed the last hour in my mind, though they were definitely tipping in favor of elation.

Seeing Julian always put me in a tailspin, like a twisted game of he-likes-me, he-likes-me-not. Only there was no end to the petals I could rip off. But now I at least knew his attraction was real, and I couldn't not feel a bittersweet comfort in that.

"Hey, Shea?" called a voice behind me, and I stopped and turned toward it.

I squinted at the guy, then my eyes widened in recognition. It was the dude from the café, the one I'd run into after my last meeting with Julian.

"Hey." I couldn't remember his name. Aaron or Allen or something?

"I thought I recognized you," Café Dude huffed as he jogged toward me.

"Yeah. Strange seeing you here. What brings you to Chicago?"

Café Dude pointed back over his shoulder. "I'm actually staying nearby. Last time we met I was visiting a cousin."

"Oh." I guessed that could happen. Maybe. "Well, I should be going. I have friends expecting me for a girls' day out."

Definitely not a lie.

The guy gave me a strange look, but all I could think about was how much time it must have taken him to put that guyliner on. It made his eyes mesmerizing, in a kinda cool, kinda creepy way. Okay, so I was staring, but he didn't seem to mind.

He pivoted away from me for a moment, then pivoted back, sucking in a quick breath. "Can I have your number?" he asked, the words coming out in a rush.

I blinked. "What? No quirky pickup lines?"

He shook his head. "Nah. I like the direct approach."

I fought an eye roll. "How about this: if the fates bring us together a third time, I might consider giving you my number."

He smiled and gave a confident shrug. "You know what they say. Third time's the charm."

I shook my head and continued toward my train. Good to know at least one guy out there actually wanted me outright. Just not either of the two I wanted.