66. Two Bodies, One Soul

Two Bodies, One Soul

L iyn put one hand on Cass' head and the other on his chest. He let out a shaky breath—and Cass' whole body seized.

The pain was so intense it radiated through the Court into me, freezing the air in my lungs. His wings thrashed, tearing gouges into the mattress and taking chips out of the beams in the ceiling. I shoved myself backwards, out of his range, hitting the floor and snapping my teeth down on my tongue. Tears streamed down my face, something making it through our soul-bond, my whole body reacting to the agony of my soulmate.

He didn't scream. He didn't even make a sound, his body so taut he wasn't breathing , gleaming black claws extended and eyes wide and unseeing.

Liyn started making tiny whimpering noises, his arms trembling.

I started counting; needed to keep from panicking, needed to be ready for whatever happened next.

One. Two. Three. Four…

I made it to thirty-eight before Liyn swooned. The slender healer collapsed gracelessly onto the bed, his hands breaking contact with Cass' skin.

Cass heaved and started puking, his wings sprawled awkwardly across the bed and his whole body shaking like a leaf in the Santa Ana winds. I shoved myself up and grabbed Liyn, hauling his unconscious body backwards before Cass collapsed on top of him. The man's head lolled, but his lashes fluttered. Not dead. Just spent.

Vaduin was back at Mirage Duchy and I knew I didn't want the guards to see Cass soaked with sweat and whimpering on the bed. Kat was already in deep, though, and when I asked her, hesitantly, if she would keep Cass' condition secret and help me move Liyn, she offered me a wry smile.

"I'm your body-servant," she said, shaking her head. "Nobody expects privacy from a body-servant. That's why the punishments for us breaking trust are so much worse." She patted me on the shoulder. "I already keep your secrets and his, Quyen. Of course I'll help."

Luckily, Kat was strong, and the two of us managed to haul Liyn's semi-conscious body into my putative bedroom and get him into the bed. When we went back into the shared bedroom, Cass was curled up in a small ball, crying like a child.

Pain clenched in my chest. I had to focus on the tasks that needed doing to keep from immediately falling apart: pulling the torn and soiled quilt off the bed, fetching cold cloths to put on the back of his neck, finding something warm to drape over Cass as he shook and wept.

Kat left us with a look of sympathy, and I crawled back into the bed with Cass, fighting off my own tears. He didn't need to deal with my reactions to seeing him hurt—didn't need more things weighing on him—

Cass hooked one arm around my waist and dragged me over to him, burying his face against my stomach. "I'm sorry," he choked out, shaking, clinging to me. "I— please just stay. I know I'm a burden. I just—" A sob cut off his words, his whole body tensing from pain. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

His pain cracked through every shield of my heart. He was so used to taking care of himself, and to putting everyone else around him first. He'd saved my life. Taken the arrows meant for me, and done it without hesitation or regret. Now he was hurting – in agony – and all he could think about was the cost to me .

I had to blink hard to fight back the tears. "Be a burden. Be my burden. It's your turn to get taken care of. I'm not going to regret carrying you through this."

Cass let out a sob, his whole body curling tighter around me. His wings made sharp ting ing noises, the feathers fluffed out like an injured bird's, rattling against each other as tremors wracked his body. "You don't have to be kind to me—"

I stroked my fingers through his hair. "No more guilt, Cassie. No more debts. Just let me love you," I said softly. "It's okay. We'll get through this."

Touching him without feeling his emotions was so strange, but it had stopped being a nightmare. It wasn't any worse than wearing Talien's opals had been. All I had was my physical senses, but he was still Cass. It was like… like being blindfolded, using touch and sound to learn my lover instead of my eyes.

He clung to me. "What if it's always like this?" he said, his voice cracking. "What if you can't carry me through it? If I'm… If I'm broken forever?"

I wiggled my way downwards, sliding next to him so I could put my face up against his, breathing his air and feeling the warmth of his skin. "Then we figure out a new normal," I murmured, my lips brushing against his. "I meant it when I said it wasn't going to be my choice to leave you. We figure this shit out together, Cass. Together."

The corners of his mouth trembled. I could see him fighting his certainty that he was too much, struggling to believe that I wanted to be here when he couldn't feel it through our bond, the Court, and his magic.

"Ask," I said gently. "Whatever it is, ask me." I swept my thumb across his tear-wet cheek. "I'm going crazy without something to do to help."

His trembling grew stronger. "Can we… would you be willing to…" Cass bit off a sob, his sharp claws digging into my back. "I still have my blood-unity," he said in a hoarse whisper. "You proved that when you saved me. Would you let me blood-link you?"

My brow furrowed. "Wouldn't that put you at risk?" I asked, hesitant. "Like, um, with a power source? Mercy's still responding to me, so I have to still have some power…" I trailed off as Cass laced his shaky fingers through my hair.

"I'm indivisible, but magic isn't," he said. The tips of his claws brushed against my scalp in a gentle caress, making me shiver. "If I don't reach for it, it won't jump between my… bodies, for, for…" Cass panted, the pain shattering his voice. He took a shallow breath. "For of lack of a better term." He leaned his forehead against me, his nose lying alongside mine. "I don't think I'd be able to feel you or send you my voice without hurting myself, but… but knowing?" His lashes fluttered. "Even just knowing… I don't want to be apart from you if I don't have to be."

"Then let's do it," I said softly.

Claws pricked me as he let out a harsh sob, clinging to me. "You're sure?" he asked in a rasp. "I know it's strange, and primal, and, and… gods, I know it's bloody and ugly, but—"

I cut him off with a kiss, willing him to feel my love, even through nothing more than my touch. "Nothing about you is ugly to me," I told him with my lips still brushing his. "So it's strange and primal. So it's bloody. Who the fuck cares? Being a Queen and a soulmate is strange and primal, and as for blood…" My mouth slanted up. "Well, I'm a woman, Cassie. Blood is a pretty consistent part of my life."

He frowned—then blushed out onto his ears. "Ah. Right. Mortal women have menses. That's, ah…"

"A monthly slaughterhouse down south, yeah," I said, giving him a shark's grin, loving seeing a healer embarrassed about something like that. "So what do we need to do?"

Blood-linking ended up being pretty simple, all things told. It was basically a live blood transfusion, putting some of Cass' blood into my veins. Since he couldn't heal any of the damage, Liyn was insensate, and we didn't want to pull any other healers in, that meant needles and tubing instead of a simple cut. Luckily, I was good with needles, and Cass had enough physical wherewithal to be able to play phlebotomist.

It was strange. Cass' body temperature was significantly higher than mine, so my arm went weirdly hot, but since we weren't taking any blood out of me and thus couldn't put much of his blood into me, it wasn't like it lasted long. Since it was Cass' blood, we didn't need to worry about blood types; he subconsciously would keep any clotting interactions from happening, using my power and the channels of my body.

We lay together while it took, a pressure bandage on each of our arms to keep us from bleeding. Slow ease stole over me, the aches of the day dissolving bit by bit. Even Cass relaxed, the knowledge of being a part of me again seeming to take the edge off his suffering.

With his head in my lap, I stroked my fingers through his dark waves, over and over. My poor soulmate. It will get better , I thought to him, even knowing he couldn't hear it. We're going to get through this.

Cass went still, the ceaseless tremors stilling and the tension in his face falling away. "I heard that," he said in a thick voice. Cass turned his head to look up at me with gleaming eyes. "Say something else, sunlight?"

I'm here, I sent him, my heart hammering. I'm— I'm here.

He covered his mouth with one hand, biting off a sob. "You're there. It's not— We're still bound. We're—" His voice choked off.

"Of course we are," I said, though tears stung at my eyes from the utter relief of having proof of it.

We weren't broken. This wasn't permanent—I was sure it wasn't. There was something standing between us, cutting our connection with the same finality of the opals Talien had put on my neck. With his blood in my veins, that distance no longer mattered.

Something between me and him. Something between him and the Court. Maybe something between me and the Court, too, though not as completely, as if I had some other way of accessing Mercy—

"You have a source," Cass whispered, coming to the same conclusion. "We're both cut off from the Court of Mercy, but you—" His throat worked. "Ruekh's mercy, Quyen. You're a mage."

"That's… how is that even possible?" I asked, frowning down at him. "It's not like I have healing, or breaking, or glamor, or whatever. I just have you."

A trembling smile flickered into being on his face before falling away. "The categories are for simplicity's sake," he said, his voice soft with exhaustion. "Names of common manifestations, in the same way that we might call one pair of soulmates 'lovers' and another 'betrayers.' Maybe there's not a name for what kind of mage you are, but…" Cass had to take a break to pant, his face lining in pain. "You have a source, so by definition, you are a mage. Just like I'm… not."

"Oh, sweetheart," I said, my heart breaking all over for him. "It's going to be okay. We'll figure out what's cutting the Court off from us, and we'll fix it, and it'll be okay. "

"Not 'til my channels are healed, though, alright?" Cass asked, giving me a weak smile. "Even if I have to do it as a conduit, I want to be able to heal."

I smiled for him, putting my heartache to the side. "Wouldn't want to waste Liyn's hard work."

"Or all this suffering." He slumped down against me again.

I could hear the tension in his breathing—could feel it in the slight ache of my throat and ribs, I realized with a sharp sense of relief. Cass was always casting, and always channeling. In the same way that I'd been able to hold open a door to the Veiled Castle with only my hand in the Clement Palace, the tiny amount of Cass inside of me was still a healer. He didn't need a source of his own. He had mine, and he had the Court.

It's going to be worth it, I told him through our bond, feeling him shudder. You're still a healer. You're still a King. We're going to make it through this.