64. Burnout

Burnout

T he Court of Mercy struggled to make a door to the Veiled Castle. I got the sense that this was frustrating for the Court, too; it had purred with pleasure any time Cass or I had wielded it in new and interesting ways, but now it was cut off from its King and barely connected to its Queen. It had chosen us. It wanted us. Something else was standing between us, and the Court didn't like that at all .

It responded, moving sluggishly. I knew Vad and Dani. I knew them well ; could imagine the way Vad's eyes warmed when he smiled and the bright laughter of his beautiful soulmate. They were our friends. They loved Cass—as family, and as more than family. I thought they might come to love me, too. In another world, maybe the three of them would have been a trinity, one where Cass had almost everything he wanted. Now, together, the four of us were finding our places: Monarchs and Archangels, friends and family, people who would always have space in their homes and hearts for each other—

The door snapped into place.

I knew better than to let it close. I hadn't been able to open a door from Tazajah home until Cass had put his hands over mine, and that had been when he and I were unfettered. Don't cut my arm off, don't cut my arm off, I mentally chanted. I put one hand over my eyes and stepped through, leaving one arm sticking through the door like someone trying to stop an elevator from closing. "I need your help," I started.

Vad jumped and hissed like an angry snake—and Dani yelped like a puppy, a moment before a heavy thud. "Dani!" Vad said, sounding horrified. "Gods, I'm so sorry, are you alright?"

"Um," I said, starting to shake. I could feel the door fritzing around my arm, wanting to close but not wanting to close while I was in it.

"I'm fine," she said, sounding breathless. "Quyen, what the fuck happened to you? "

Nobody told me I could take my hand off my eyes, and at my feet I could see that I was standing on a shirt and bra, so I kept my hand up. "It's Cass. He's hurt. Really badly. Can—do you have a healer?"

"A healer," Vaduin said, sounding horrified. There was some rustling.

Sharp, stabbing pains started radiating up my arms. I backed up a little bit into the door, putting more of my body inside the palace, trying to maintain that connection with Mercy despite the fact that most of me was far away from my palace and throne. "Please," I said, tears starting to sting my eyes, from the fear and pain. "Please, it's really bad."

A warm hand wrapped around my wrist, and Vaduin lowered my hand to meet my eyes. "No need to plead, lioness," he said, using Cass' name for me. I started crying in earnest, the tears falling like acid. "Listen," he said. "Go back. Give me seven minutes, and open another door to me, alright? Dani wears the signet, and she needs to stay here to help our people, but I'll help. Okay?"

I nodded, my eyes and arm burning.

"Go," he said. When I didn't immediately move, he kissed me on the forehead. "Go before Mercy can't hold that door. Go."

Agony shot up my arm, the proof of his words, and I didn't delay any longer. I jumped backwards – catching a glimpse of a naked Danica frantically yanking on pants – and back into my palace.

The door snapped shut with a sharp shearing sound. I stood there, panting, tears hot on my face, then set my hands on the wall and started counting. "One one-thousand," I said, my voice as hoarse as if I'd been screaming. "Two one-thousand. Three one-thousand."

The litany kept me from going insane. One to sixty, seven times, while my soulmate lay on the ground one room over, hurting and maybe dying. While Vad found a healer.

"Fifty-nine one-thousand. Sixty one-thousand. Vaduin. Go to Vaduin," I said, leaning into my memories of him again.

"He seems to always wear down us prickly sorts. Too loyal for his own good." A warm smile, far too knowing. "I know him."

"I might flirt with her." Sheer wickedness dancing in bicolored eyes, his tail curling through the air. "It's so intimate in the sky."

Stunningly beautiful rubies, strung around my neck. "Keep them, if you like. Consider it a coronation gift, for you to wear and Cass to admire."

Stern determination on an elegant face. "Give me seven minutes. I'll help."

The stone under my hand dissolved, the effort making all my veins ache. Vaduin didn't keep me waiting. I was bowled over by a lean form, Vad shoving a slight man in front of him as he leapt through the door. I hit the ground hard, pain singing up my elbow.

The door closed like the jaws of a trap. Vaduin stood there, panting hard, his eyes closed and tail wrapped around his waist.

He hadn't wanted it to get chopped off by the door. He didn't want me to have to hold it open any longer than necessary.

"Cass," he said, not opening his eyes.

The other man got up from where he'd fallen on all fours and offered me a hand. He was possibly the most unattractive fae I'd ever seen, though given that most fae were preternaturally beautiful, he was still a solid six as far as mortals went. A narrow face and sharp nose gave him a bit of a ratlike look, an impression that wasn't helped by his pin-straight brown hair raked back into a slender ponytail. He should cut that off , I thought, an uncharitable opinion at best.

I took his hand and let him help me up, wincing as pain radiated up from my banged elbow and hip. I wasn't used to having physical consequences anymore.

"This way," I said, and led them into my bedroom.

Cass was exactly where I'd left him, eight minutes prior. Curled in the fetal position, trembling, his head on a pillow and his hands tucked up against his chest.

"Cassie?" I asked, getting down on my knees next to him.

His dark lashes slowly parted, his eyes taking a moment to focus on me. Tear-trails marked his face. "Still not dead," he said, his voice weak. His golden irises slid up to the man who'd come with Vad. "Liyn?" Cass asked, sounding bewildered.

"I'm who was available on no notice," the healer said grimly. "Let's get you on the bed."

Liyn was a slender man, maybe five foot nine and built on delicate lines, but he was a healer, and once he had his hands on Cass for a few minutes, he and Vad were able to help Cass to his feet and over to the bed.

Cass dropped heavily onto the side of the bed when they got there. His wings tore the quilt. Tacky blood smeared across the ripped cloth.

It took them a couple more minutes to get Cass fully onto the bed. Vad and I got him comfortable while Liyn sat there holding Cass' hand, an expression of focus furrowing his brow. Whatever the healer was doing was definitely helping; Cass wasn't in agony anymore, and his body was loose, like he'd taken a muscle relaxant.

Vad tugged me aside when I made to go sit down next to Cass. "What happened?" he asked, pitching his voice low enough that I thought the other men wouldn't hear. "The blood I can understand, but your hair and his is more than a foot longer than it used to be, and he has claws ."

I closed my eyes, all the pain and terror of it flooding back into me. I could hear Liyn and Cass murmuring in the other room, Liyn asking questions and Cass replying in an exhausted voice.

"Assassination attempt," I whispered. "Something cut off his access to the Court's magic. He took seven arrows, a spear, a sword … he was bleeding to death." The tears started to threaten again. "Mercy likes my mortality," I whispered, fisting my hands so they wouldn't shake. "It lets me turn time forward. I…" I lifted my blood-soaked shirt to show him the ugly scar across my side. "I put his blood in my injury to bind him to me again, and turned the clock to save his life. I don't know how far," I finished, my voice almost inaudible.

He let out a shaky breath. "Black night."

"It gets worse," I said, dropping my shirt again and looking up at him. "There was a flicker-bird. Maybe a signal. Someone got Tarra involved, too. She was nothing but a target—waited until Cass was berserk and got between the two of us so he'd attack her, and the Court itself would kill him for it. He answers to Mercy. No escape from that."

All the blood drained out of his face, his pale skin going chalky. "But he's alive," he said, eyes darting to look at Cass through the doorway, as if to verify that his memory was true.

"I got between them in time," I whispered, my hands starting to shake. "He couldn't pull the blow. Not all the way. Didn't cut me in half, but…" I swallowed, hard, trying not to cry. "Tarra tried to finish the job. To skewer me. Cass… he got in the way. She's… she's dead. Ashed."

Vad leaned back against the wall, dropping his head back in what looked like relief. "Fae go… we can go feral, if we get hurt badly enough, or if someone we love is in grave danger," he said quietly. "It's generally assumed that nothing will stop a fae in that state until whatever they're fighting is gone. Gods. He should be dead." He put his hands over his face. "He should be dead."

I hesitated, but Vaduin was a tactile man. He was always touching Dani, me, and even Cass. I'd gotten at least a half-dozen forehead kisses from him, little tokens of comfort and the sort of easy closeness he offered without hesitation. So, I hooked my arm around his waist and leaned my head against him, rubbing my temple against his upper arm like a cat. "Don't borrow trouble, snake-eyes," I told him, using one of Cass' nicknames for him the same way he'd used one for me. "We've got plenty to go around."

His tail loosely coiled around my ankles. A moment later, he put his arm around my shoulders and hugged me against his side, dropping his face to my scalp and breathing carefully. "He's my best friend," he said, the words roughened by emotion.

"I know," I said, keeping my own voice soft. "He's still alive, Vad. We haven't lost him yet."

Vaduin nodded against my hair. I heard him swallow, and then he disentangled himself from me and met my eyes with stern determination. "I'll go see if I can help your guards investigate. My sense of smell might be of use." He looked back towards Cass, his expression dropping into one of sorrow. "You'll stay with him?"

"They'd have to drag me out by the hair," I told him.

A smile kicked up one corner of his mouth. "That's my girl," he said, ruffling my hair.

I raised my brows at the possessive phrasing. "Since when am I yours, too?"

Vad gave me another half-smile. "Since the moment you became his. Basilisks are possessive creatures. You're stuck with me." He flicked his tail against my ankle. "Go. He needs you."

I didn't need to be told twice. I went back into my bedroom and clambered onto the bed, getting up by the headboard so I could pet Cass' hair while Liyn worked on him. He made a soft sound of relief the moment my hands touched him, leaning into the contact.

There was still blood on my hands, dried in the half-moons of my nails and flaking off my skin. It had nothing on the rest of the blood: gluing my shirt to my side, darkening Cass' clothing, smeared in ugly brown streaks across his beautiful wings. We needed a shower—the shower we hadn't gotten to have, the shower we might never get to have, laughing and happy and as much each other as ourselves.

I had to turn my mind away from the contemplation of it and focus on the strands of his hair sliding through my fingers. If this was all we got to have, it would be enough. I would make it be enough. He was still Cass. I was still his soulmate. It had to be enough.

We sat there for probably another twenty minutes in silence before Liyn sat back, his eyes closed and head tilted back.

Cass shuddered, his head lolling to the side. "How bad?" he asked, his voice rough. "Gods, just tell me, Liyn. How bad is it?"

A line appeared between the other healer's thin brows. "You're burned out, Xarcassah." He swallowed. "Completely. You don't have a source anymore."

Cass exhaled sharply, almost a sob, and covered his mouth with one hand. I took it in mine, desperate to offer him any amount of comfort. His fingers closed down as he started trembling, every breath shaking.

"What does that mean for him?" I asked, when Cass didn't say anything.

Liyn swallowed again, then looked at me. There was pity in his eyes. "It probably happened when he ascended the throne. That much power, all at once…" He exhaled and looked away. "Mages have an internal source of magic. Marys was…"

"I was middling," Cass said hoarsely. "Without my channeling, I wouldn't be anything impressive. Standard-issue healer." Pain tore at his expression. "Now I'm not even that."

"I know it surely doesn't feel like it, but this might be a blessing," Liyn started.

" Fuck you," Cass snarled, shoving himself up on one elbow with his feathers slicking down. "What the fuck do you know about losing fucking everything ?"

To my surprise, Liyn didn't flinch away. He leaned forward, his expression hardening. "You think I had it so easy, don't you?" he said with poisonous softness. "It's been nearly two hundred years. Issara made a spectacle out of both of us. Threw you out on your ear and expected you to come crawling back. Used me as the tool." The healer laughed bitterly. "Then you fucking cut her out of your life like she'd never existed. What do you imagine it was like, living in the shadow you cast? The best fuck she'd ever had. The one man who wouldn't change his mind. The powerful, incomparable Xarcassah Marys—"

"That's enough," I said, my voice cold.

Cass' hand tightened painfully on mine, new claws digging into my skin. Liyn's jaw snapped closed so hard I heard his teeth clack together.

"Finish what you were saying," I told him. "Why do you think Cass being burned out is good?"

The muscle of his jaw twitched. "Not being burned out, necessarily. Getting cut off from the Court's power. From all power." He sighed and shook his head. "I've gotten a lot more experience with mages in burnout than I ever expected due to the power flare during your ascension to the throne. Physical changes instead of power gain are a symptom of your channels being fucked. That's what's hurting."

Cass went still. "What?" he asked, looking at me, then at Liyn. "I'm fine, physically?"

"I would never have guessed you were shot this morning," Liyn said. "Frankly, I would have guessed two or three years of natural healing. The scarring isn't pretty because you weren't stitched, but it's clean and old. Whatever poison they put in you to block your healing is long gone. The damage to your channels feels completely raw, but your body's whole."

A sharp exhale escaped Cass' lips. He slumped back down onto the bed, turning his face away from Liyn. "What about my healing?" he asked, sounding like he was on the verge of breaking down. "How fucked am I?"

"Without any magic in your channels, if you can get even a day or two of rest with a healer guiding the process, I think you won't lose anything. You're on the verge of starting to lose coherence, and you know as well as I do how fast that can turn to uncontrollable devolution, but you're not there yet, and without a power source, you're not going to get there." Liyn got to his feet, his expression giving nothing away. "You always were a powerhouse when it came to channeling, Xarcassah. You don't need a native source. Heal and get the Court back, and you're surely going to be as insufferably accomplished as you've always been." He flashed a sharp smile. "Except you won't be turning into a monster anymore."

My soulmate lifted his lip, but otherwise didn't answer.

"Will you stay and help him?" I asked, looking up into Liyn's sharp-boned face. "We don't have a lot of people we can trust."

"Of course I will," he said sharply. "Whatever else may have passed between us, I'm a healer, and he's my King. If I can help, I will."

"Thank you," Cass said roughly.

Liyn froze.

I did, too.

Cass turned his head and looked up at the other healer. "I don't deserve any measure of grace from you. You're right. I've spent these many years blaming you for how things ended between me and Issara." He sighed through his nose, weariness settling onto his shoulders. "You were petty and cruel to me about her choosing you, but that's hardly worth the grudge I've held. So," Cass said with a weak laugh. "Name your price, I suppose."

Liyn stood there in silence for a long time—minutes, maybe. At last, he took a careful breath, and said, "Forgive me."

Cass' eyes snapped back to Liyn, brows flying together and ears dropping in shock. "What?"

The other healer shrugged, looking awkward. "We could have been friends, once. Two men who fell outside of the world's expectations for beauty and interests. The weasel and the war-dragon." His mouth pulled back in a sorrowful expression. "I was so obsessed with being the one she chose that I didn't see that she'd done it to bring you back in line. I picked the wrong side, Xarcassah. I'd like to be freed from that debt."

For a long moment, Cass only lay there, staring at Liyn.

"Cass," he said at last. When Liyn frowned, my soulmate smiled, the corners of his mouth trembling. "My friends call me 'Cass.'"