15. Lets Try That Again

Let's Try That Again

I was definitely fading by the time the final plates were swept away. Nothing sounded as good as going back to that enormous bed and crashing. Staying in bed for the next week or so seemed ideal.

Panic sparked when Cass stood and doors along the side of the banquet hall were opened to a ballroom full of light and music. Apparently that was just for the guests, though, because we got to exit through the back of the room, into another one of those velvet-lined boxes intended for storing important people until it was time for them to show face. We even got to travel directly back to the monarchal suite via another magic portal door, courtesy of Cass.

Danica smooched her soulmate and swanned off, but Vad came with us like he belonged in the monarchal suite. Two of my three body-servant hopefuls were waiting for me—the hawkish fae woman and the aging mortal, the pretty redhead having apparently decided that serving an ignorant mortal wasn't for her. Cass gave them a deep nod when they bowed, and plodded over to the ensuite with Vad trailing behind.

He didn't have any servants. That had to be by choice. Even if people found him scary, there were always social climbers willing to look death in the face for a chance at power.

I was too exhausted to dwell on it, though. I committed myself into the hands of my remaining two assistants and let them divest me of the fancy clothing they'd put me into four hours prior, then sent them off and waited for my turn in the bathroom.

Cass and Vad monopolized the bathroom for a solid hour, after which Cass came out with damp hair, a towel over his shoulders, and navy blue pajama pants hanging off his hips.

I froze with a glass of water halfway to my mouth .

It's not like I didn't know Cass was hot. I'd seen him decked out for the coronation and for the feast. The man looked better than most movie stars. But now? With his black hair tangled around his ears and clinging to his throat and shoulders? With those pants slung sinfully low, the vee of his hips visible, and with his arms and chest and abs fully naked?

Cass looked like a god. Like one of those illustrations of Viking warriors, except instead of pale skin and straw-blond hair he was dark, all sleek brown skin, kissed by the sun and with faint darker lines marking old injuries. The backdrop of his blackened-bronze wings gave him the look of a fallen angel, cast out of heaven for the sin of carnal lust.

Not that I believed in heaven, but still.

One corner of his mouth tilted up in a weary smile. He turned towards Vad as the other man passed and murmured something I couldn't catch.

Vaduin shrugged. "Sure, I don't mind," he said. "Your hair's easier to do than Dani's."

Cass nodded and walked towards a dark wooden door. I made myself not stare, returning Vad's friendly farewell as he left out the front door. Even though I wasn't looking, I knew when Cass paused by the door, and I knew when he didn't stop to say goodnight.

Hearing the door close behind him stung. I set my water down on the bedside table and flopped backwards onto the bed, trying to hold back the hurt. If I was overwhelmed, how much more so was he? I'd had weeks to get used to the idea of being bound to him and his Court. He'd learned about me maybe thirty minutes before his coronation – our coronation – and it had been a brutal day, for him and for me.

And it's not like you've exactly been nice to him , I thought miserably, replaying the day. All things told, I'd kind of been a bitch, to him and about him. At the very least, I hadn't been particularly understanding or compassionate. Being prickly was a great defense mechanism up until you were fucking yourself over by making people you wanted to like you think that you wanted the door to hit them on their way out of your life.

I got off the bed and did my bathroom tasks in silence. I couldn't even really enjoy having a literally palatial bathroom to brush my teeth in, because I couldn't pull my awareness away from the man lying one room over. Sprawled facedown in a bed that wasn't big enough for him, breathing with measured care, his brow creased because he was closing his eyes too hard…

Without really meaning to, I ended up at his door once I'd finished getting ready for bed and shielded all the lamps but the little one glowing on the bedside table. I hesitated, but I knew Cass had to be able to tell where I was with the same fidelity I could sense him. At this point, it would be weirder not to knock.

He got up before my knuckles even hit the door. I felt it when his bare foot touched the stone floor, like the palace itself was a part of my body—one with less sensitivity than the rest of me, but still me .

Cass had called the Court of Mercy part of him. It was part of me, too. We were more than just soulmates, I thought. We were physically connected. Through his Court, we shared a body.

The doorknob turned. A moment later, the door cracked open, and I looked up the shadow of Cass' torso to his dark eyes.

"Is something the matter?" he asked, pitching his voice low.

I bit my lip. "Soulmates can't force each other into bargains, right?"

He nodded, watching me with an unreadable expression.

"Okay." I closed my eyes and nodded, more to myself than to him, anxiety making my chest tight. "Then I'm sorry," I said, all in a rush, looking back up at him.

He went still. It wasn't like a person standing still—not like a human. His whole body slid towards the motionlessness of a waiting predator, a stillness that spoke of liquid strength instead of rigid startlement.

Before he could collect himself, I said, "I was a bitch today. I was working off zero sleep and a remarkably shitty couple of weeks, but that's not an excuse for treating you and everyone else to the sharp edge of my temper." I swallowed, starting to sweat from the stress of putting myself in a position of weakness. I didn't know him. I had no idea how he'd respond.

It was still worth doing.

"I was nasty to you about my family, about you trying to make sure I knew my options, and about the touching thing," I said, forging on. "All of that was unnecessary. This was a massive shock to you on an already stupidly stressful day, and I wasn't nice about it at all. I was mean to you, to Danica… to pretty much everyone I talked to today. So I'm sorry. And I thought maybe you'd like to know that."

A trembling sensation took hold in my chest, my heart trying to race but held at its pace by Cass' iron will. Cass reached up for a moment, like he was going to touch my cheek, then lowered his hand. "I…" he started, his voice rough. He took a breath. "I really appreciate you telling me that." The corner of his mouth flipped up. "Though I feel I ought to warn you that apologies are even more enticing than thanks for most fae, and I'm no exception. Are you trying to befriend me, after all?" He sounded hopeful.

I bit my lip again, breathing a laugh with a smile tugging at my mouth. "I like you, Cass. I like having a bit of fire in my interactions, too, but we can have that without me being pissy for no reason," I said, looking up at the shadow of his face. "Can we start over, maybe?" I asked, trying to search his expression in the darkness. "I let go of being bitter about you not knowing about me, you let go of me being an ass to you about it, and we start out at neutral instead of in opposition?"

"I thought you didn't like bargains," he said. I could hear the smile in his voice.

I put my hand on the doorframe, leaning some of my weight to the side. "You're fae, though, and you're my soulmate," I said. "I'd like to get to know you, and you've been nothing but nice about me cannonballing into your life. I'll make an exception for you."

He made a considering sound, then set his hand on the opposite side of the doorframe. "I'm glad you 'cannonballed' into my life, presuming you mean finding me and refusing to leave, despite all my flaws. Still. If you want to start over, let's start over," Cass said. His wings moved with a metallic whisper as he got down on one knee, the movement bringing him closer to me and illuminating his face.

He was smiling like someone coming home at the end of a long day, a warm expression. That emotion seeped into me, the tension in my shoulders slipping away and relaxation spreading warm fingers along my ribs.

"It's a pleasure to meet you," he said, leaning his head against the doorframe. His ears tilted towards me in quiet focus. "My name is Xarcassah Marys, and I'm your soulmate."

I breathed a soft laugh, helpless in the face of that ease. I leaned my head against the doorframe, too, smiling down at him from inches away. On one knee, his face was still at the height of my collarbone. "The pleasure's all mine, your splendor," I said, my own relief flooding my veins as I spoke. "My name is Quyen Anh, and I've come a long way to meet you."

"I really don't like that name," he said. I started laughing in disbelief, startled into it, and his eyes went wide. "No, no, oh gods no—I meant—fuck, not your name, your name is lovely, I meant the 'splendor' thing—"

I kept laughing, unable to stop, all the difficulty of the past weeks melting away in the face of Cass desperately trying to backpedal.

"Quyen," he said, halfway to a pleading whine. "You don't have to laugh quite so hard—"

I sprawled back against the wall next to the doorframe and melted to the floor, laughing so hard tears came to my eyes. "Holy fuck, your face !" I leaned my head back, closing my eyes. "I thought you were a flirt. Do you put your foot in your mouth often, splendor?"

He groaned and clonked his head back down against the doorframe, looking down at me from inches away. "When it comes to beautiful women I'd like to impress? Unfortunately, that all too often seems to be the case." His warm breath stirred my hair, the promise of the heat of his touch.

The words left a warm glow settling onto me. I'd seen him looking, but looking was different from saying something like that out loud. Words made it real.

"You don't have to impress me," I said, getting my laughter under control. "You're rich, important, wildly powerful, royal , and, like, literally the definition of tall, dark, and handsome." I shook my head, snorting a soft laugh as I considered it. "You're plenty impressive already."

I turned so I could look up into his face, hyperaware of the exact measurements of the distance between us. The heat of his body radiated against me, a faint halo of warmth that made me want to lean into him. He was so close —and so far, the handspan of distance too far to close without an invitation. Fuck, I hoped I got that invitation. As overwhelming as touching him had been, it had left me with a craving for more. I could learn how to have two bodies if one of them was his.

Cass joined me on the ground, sprawling out on his side and supporting his weight on one arm, putting his eyes level with mine. His feathers made soft tinging sounds against the floor, settling into place. "Is that a mortal phrase?" he asked. "'Tall, dark, and handsome'?"

His smile was so easy to fall into. Even in the dark, he was worth looking at, the deep shadows emphasizing the strength of his body and the gleaming danger of his wings. I was struck, again, with the thought that he looked like some sort of war-god; the sort of person meant to be on a battlefield.

He was a healer, though. Even though Vad had called him battle-trained, and even though his litany of things he could do was terrifying and his automatic defense of me came with thorns and earthquakes, he didn't seem like the kind of man who reveled in bloodshed. It was an interesting pairing—one I wanted to explore.

"It's a pretty popular one," I said, a beat later than I probably should have spoken. "Not here, though?"

His expression went rueful. "I've never heard it before, but that's not surprising. I'm not exactly the picture of fae beauty," he said, lifting his shoulder in a shrug. "Our culture values elegance and subtlety, and I'm not that. In coloration, too, I hardly hold much interest. Brown and darker brown." Cass shrugged again. It looked self-conscious. "Of the two of us, you'll make the far better impression when it comes to beauty."

"We're quite the pair, aren't we?" I leaned my head back against the wall with a sigh. The night felt timeless, but I knew it wasn't. We'd have to go to bed soon if I wanted to be at all functional tomorrow, but I didn't have it in me to get up quite yet. "I guess the 'opposites attract' thing is true."

Cass snorted at that. "Soulmates can be anything, Quyen," he said with a half-smile. "They're as likely to be complements as anything else. We could be two sides of a coin, or a lock and a key. No one can tell us with certainty where we'll find our balance," he added, warmth coming into his expression. "We get to find out together."

I bit my lip and put my hand on the stone of the palace floor, sliding it a little ways towards him. "Together?"

He pursed his lips, a spark of challenge coming into his expression. Cass traced his fingertips across the stone towards mine and settled them in the gaps between my fingers.

I could feel his touch on the palace, as if his fingers left phosphorescent traces in my soul. His warmth radiated against my hand, our fingers interlaced but not interlocked.

Our dark eyes met. The flecks of gold in his irises held my focus, reflecting the light and turning into sparks in the night.

"Not afraid of being bound to something like me?" he asked, holding my gaze.

My heart held its steady pace, but I could feel my pulse in my throat and chest. "I'm hard to scare off," I said, the words falling like petals onto quiet water.

He leaned forward a half-inch, eyes dropping to my mouth. His fingers slid closer to mine, until I could feel the heat of his hand radiating against mine. "Prove it," Cass said in a rough whisper.

The impulse to lean up and kiss him was almost unbearable. My nostrils flared and skin heated—and only half of that reaction was mine. I let out a sharp breath. "I don't think you actually want me to do what your eyes are asking me for."

Cass breathed a laugh, ears canting forward towards me and expression easy. He looked back up into my eyes with a rueful smile. "I'm quite capable of saying 'no' when someone wants something from me I'm not eager to give. Vaddy might say too capable." His smile went crooked, one ear tilting towards me. "I'm a flirt, but that's generally as far as it goes."

A deep-seated urge to protect myself made me want to pull my hand away, but instinct told me that was the sort of decision that would close the door towards intimacy in a permanent sort of way. My instincts were usually good. I licked my lips and left my hand there, anxiety prickling down my spine.

"But not always," I said softly, searching his face.

"No. Not always." He sat there, watching me, expression easing back into quiet calm, just breathing. The darkness seemed to settle onto me like a warm blanket, silence embracing us.

The Court leaned into me; not in a physical sense, or, at least, not quite. My sense of Cass bloomed into the forefront of my mind with the sensation of a purr, everywhere he touched the palace seeming to radiate heat towards me, pools of awareness that lit my world like fireflies.

"Do you want me to touch you?" I barely whispered the words, my focus on the glow of his presence rather than the sight of him .

He didn't answer for a moment, breathing with careful calm. His dark eyes fell to my mouth again with an expression of sorrow. "It's been a difficult day. It's probably not wise."

Want. I could feel it in the way my mouth wetted and ribs tightened; in the heat playing across my skin and how the light seemed to only pool around us, the rest of the world fading into the darkness of night. "That's not a 'no,'" I murmured, focusing my eyes on his face.

"I'm fae," he whispered back. "I can't lie."

That was answer enough for me. I took a breath, and spread my fingers the last fraction of an inch to press against his.

Sensation flooded into me the instant our skin touched. Heat, and want, and aching control— the coolness of stone seeping through thin pants, the pressure of feathers leaning against the floor, the utter relief of my soulmate touching me after a day like today—

He closed his fingers around mine while I was still struggling to find where I ended and he began. Cass lifted my hand and pressed his warm mouth to my palm with a shock of heat, then closed my fingers around the chaste kiss and tucked my hand against my chest.

My sense of him didn't so much cut off as slide away when he let me go. Cass smiled at me, eyes soft. "Thank you for trusting me," he said, saying the words with care, "and I'm sorry that I didn't come find you. I know I'm a lot to reckon with, and that this can't be easy for you. I'm glad you stayed."

I clutched my hand up against my chest, closing my fingers tighter as if I could keep that kiss from flying away. "And we'll do it together," I said, heart in my throat.

His smile spread into a heart-stopping one, ears low and eyes warm. "Together," he promised.