Chapter 12

12

MABEL

I can’t wait to get home and hear how Ben’s meeting went.

I wasn’t enthused about doing this coaching gig, but now I’m invested. I want him to do well. I want to see him happy and confident.

My heart got all soft and squishy when he was telling me about his encounter at Starbucks. I know he honestly felt he’d screwed up, but I saw it differently. And that was an eye-opener for me. We’re all hardest on ourselves. Yeah, even me. Probably. But I hate it that Ben was down on himself when what I took away from his account was a guy horrified he’d hurt someone and desperate to make it right. He just needs to see that about himself. And if I can help him do that, I’m in. All in.

Then I remember how our talk got away from “coaching” and became more personal, talking about high school and how we were sort of going through the same thing. Maybe that’s why I feel a connection with him. Every time I talk to him, we share more, and also… we look at each other. He looks at me like he wants to lick me. And I definitely want to lick him. Everywhere.

I pull in a deep breath and let it out.

I had a job interview this afternoon at a private all-girls middle school on the Upper East Side in Manhattan. It sounds like a lovely school, although I’m not sure if school librarian is what I want to do. I do enjoy working with kids. But I’m applying for anything and everything. The interview went well, I think.

Ben’s already home when I get there, he and Marek in the living room with their phones.

I bounce over to the couch and plop down, looking expectantly at Ben. “How was your meeting?”

“Good.” He smiles back. “It went well. We set up another meeting for next week to get into more specifics about my role there.”

“Excellent!” I clap my hands with genuine delight.

“How about your job interview?” he asks. “How did it go?”

“Good, I think. It’s really a cool school, very posh Upper East Side, they seem very progressive. We’ll see, I guess.”

Our eyes meet and we share a moment of happy pride in ourselves and each other. I want to grab his hand and squeeze it. Or hug him.

And breathe in his scent, and kiss his mouth, and feel his arms around me, too.

Whoa. That’s inappropriate.

“You probably wouldn’t have to inject someone with naloxone working there,” Ben says.

“Probably not! Although…” My forehead tightens. “Rich kids do a lot of drugs, I hear.”

Marek clears his throat. I look up and see him watching us with a crimp between his eyebrows, looking back and forth between us. Is he picking up the tug of attraction between us?

I’ve leaned in close to Ben while we talked, so I shift back.

“When do your brother and sister get here?” Marek asks Ben.

“Should be soon. Kerry’s coming by train, but Owen is driving.”

“And you’re going out for dinner,” Marek says. “The three of you?”

“Yep.”

“I’m going out, too,” Marek replies.

“A date?” I ask immediately.

“As a matter of fact, yeah.”

“Oooh.” I bounce on the couch. “Who is she? Where did you meet her?”

“Never mind. I’ll tell you if it turns into a second date.”

“Phhht.” I frown at him. “At least tell me her name.”

“Nope.”

I make another irritated sound. “Fine. I’m probably cramping your style by being here. I’m going to change.” I find a pair of leggings and a sweater and use the bathroom to change and tie up my hair into a loose, messy bun. I hear noises and voices as I do my hair and when I return to the living room, Ben’s brother and sister have arrived.

“Hi!”

Ben introduces us. Marek has apparently met them before but a long time ago when they were kids. They’re quite a bit younger than us so I don’t think I ever met them. They’re young adults now, and there’s definitely a family resemblance. Ben’s brother is clean-shaven but has the same square jaw and thick hair as Ben. All three of them have the same eyes – that rich honey brown – and similar shade of brown hair. Owen’s about an inch taller than Ben, and Kerry’s tall, too, with a slender, fit build.

“I hear you both play hockey,” I say. “That’s so great.”

“They’re both at school on hockey scholarships,” Ben says with obvious pride. “Both great players.”

“What position do you play, Kerry?” I ask.

“I’m a left winger.”

“Like your brother.” I smile. “How about you, Owen?”

“I play defense.”

“Cool. I guess that means you can skate backward.”

They all laugh, thankfully.

“Would you like something to drink?” I ask them, playing hostess since Marek isn’t. “We have beer, wine, juice, and I think there might be a couple of kombucha left if you prefer non-alcoholic.”

“Kerry’s not old enough to drink,” Ben says.

“Oh my God.” Kerry rolls her eyes. “Are you going to tell Mom on me?”

He laughs. “Nah, have a drink if you want.”

“I’d love a glass of wine,” she says, looking at me.

“Great. Owen?”

“Sure, I’ll have a beer.”

“I’ll have a beer, too, thanks,” Ben says.

I stop in my tracks and give him a look.

He laughs. “Kidding. I’m coming.” He rises off the couch and strolls toward me, all long and lean and athletic. And hot. God, he’s hot.

He made a joke. An easy, teasing joke. With me. I like it.

Marek heads out as we’re getting drinks, and I put together a small charcuterie plate with what I can find in the fridge and set it on the coffee table. And I watch Ben with his siblings.

“How’s school?” he asks Owen. “Not hockey, your grades.”

Owen makes a face. “Eh… Okay.”

Ben lifts an eyebrow. “Passing?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

Ben questions him about specific courses, seemingly very dialed in to Owen’s schedule, then gives Kerry the same treatment. But he comes across as interested and caring, not meddling. Kerry mentions some of her high-school friends who are bugging her to go away with them for spring break. “But I kind of want to stay and train. It’ll be playoff time.”

“Yeah,” Ben says. “Your high-school friends who aren’t playing sports anymore don’t understand what it’s like. College athletics is demanding, and sometimes you have to sacrifice breaks.”

She nods. “Yeah. They don’t get it. But I don’t want to lose my old friends.”

I remember she’s a freshman. I’m about to open my mouth and offer advice, but Ben speaks first. “Yeah, I know. It’s hard. Old friends are important. But college is a chance to make new friends. And they understand the kind of sacrifices you have to make.”

I nod in agreement. I’m getting the feeling that Ben is a father figure for his siblings, that he takes care of them and that they count on him for support.

Then Owen speaks up, too. “Yeah, I felt like that my freshman year, too,” he says. “It’s hard leaving high-school friends behind. But you do make new friends.”

“Well. We should get ready for dinner,” Ben says. “I made a reservation at that place you wanted to go to in Manhattan.”

“Ooooh!” Kerry seems excited. “Amazing.”

Ben looks over at me. “Would you like to join us?”

I would. I really would. But this is their time to hang out with family. I smile. “That’s okay. I have another interview tomorrow I’m going to prep for.”

“You sure?” Ben meets my eyes. I think he wants me to join them. That makes it harder to say no.

I make myself nod and give him a reassuring smile. “Absolutely. You all have fun, though. Where are you going?”

“Rupert’s,” Kerry announces with excitement.

“Oooh, I’ve heard of it!” It’s a new and trendy steakhouse overlooking Central Park. “Sounds great.”

“We couldn’t afford to go there if Ben wasn’t footing the bill,” Owen says with a grin. “I’m gonna have the Wagyu strip loin, it’s like, a hundred and fifty bucks.”

“Jesus,” Ben says, covering his eyes. “What have I gotten into?”

“We love steak,” Kerry says.

He knows exactly what he’s gotten into and he’s taking them there because that’s where they want to go, and my heart does a little flip-flop in my chest.

Soon I’m alone in the apartment. It’s okay.

I’ve never been one who likes spending time alone. I get energy from being around other people and I hate the loneliness that starts creeping in. But lately I’ve been channeling Ben, trying to enjoy alone time. It really is good to have time without distractions to focus on my thoughts and feelings. To think about my goals and dreams; the things that Julian took away from me. I can have those back now – I just have to think about them. Decide what I want. Who I want to be. What’s important to me. I feel like I’m getting to know myself in a way that I haven’t when I’m always in a whirlwind of activity and socializing. Which, now that I think of it, may have been a way to distract myself from thinking about all those things. From feeling all those feelings.

I hope Marek’s having fun on his date, with whoever she is. I hope Ben’s having fun with his siblings, who seem like great kids. I’m seeing Ben differently lately – his openness and how funny and smart he is when he’s relaxed. With his friends last night, axe throwing and hanging out. With his siblings, all easy and open and protective. Even with me. And I’m seeing there’s more to him than I realized.

And I like him.

On Saturday, Marek and Ben invite me to go to a sports bar to watch the All-Star game with them, Archie, Crusher, and Dilly. We walk a few blocks to the place on 10th Street and settle in with beers and snacks. The place is packed, with tons of televisions and, for a while at least, nobody pays any attention to the hockey players.

The guys are fun to hang out with, even if they do try to talk about circumcision. Today I turn the tables. “What do you guys want women to know about men?”

“Like, sexually?” Archie asks.

“Anything.”

They all appear to search for an answer.

“That crease in my pants isn’t a boner,” Crusher finally says. “My pants just do that.”

I roll my lips in. “Good to know.”

“Jesus.” Marek rubs his forehead.

“If you’re interested in a guy, don’t expect him to pick up on subtle hints,” Dilly says. “We’re idiots. You have to tell us outright.”

I nod. “Fascinating. What else?”

“I, for one, would like longer hugs,” Crusher says. “Hugs are nice.”

“Long hugs turn into sex,” Dilly says.

Crusher grins. “Yeah.”

“We want to play with your boobs,” Archie says.

My mouth opens and closes. Then I laugh.

Ben glares at him.

“Asshat!” Marek snaps. “That’s my sister.”

“No!” Archie shakes his head. “I didn’t mean her boobs!”

I make a face. “Okay, then.”

“You have nice boobs!” Archie assures me. “But I just meant, generally.”

“Oh, look, there’s Alfie.” Ben points at a TV where their teammate who’s at the All-Star game is on the ice. His jaw flexes.

“Hey!” Crusher shouts.

The guys all turn to watch. The distraction worked.

I catch Ben’s eye. I mouth the words “it’s okay” and grin at him, and he gives his head a tiny shake, his face changing from annoyed to reluctantly amused.

I end up leaving before the guys do, so I can go meet Tala and Cami for our mixology class. As I gather my jacket and purse, Crusher says, “Your sister’s cool, Smitty.”

Marek shrugs and says, “I guess she’s okay,” but I take in the curve of his lips and warmth in his eyes. My brother can be a pain in my ass, but he’s okay, too. Mostly.

And I catch Ben watching me, his expression hot and hungry.

Oh.