6. Luca

6 /

luca

The photo shoot was killing me. Only Marc, the photographer, and his silent assistant were in the studio, and everything Marc said sounded the same. He was taking an endless series of shots in which only my facial expressions and hand positions varied. There weren't even lighting changes, which meant no breaks for me. My bladder finally came to the rescue, but when I said I needed to piss, Marc acted like I'd asked for an hour-long nap. Considering the yawns I'd been stifling, that wouldn't have been a bad idea.

Harper was all I could think about. I'd lose myself in fantasies of posing for him and getting a blow job as a reward, but then doubt would creep in. Did I look so silly he'd change his mind about hanging out? Marc's monotonous voice became an unlikely lifeline, snapping me back to reality, and I was relieved Harper wasn't there to see me doing something so ridiculous. A minute later, I'd sigh because he wasn't there to think I was hot. He would think so, right?

The forced smiles Marc demanded made my jaw cramp, and the back of my neck was sore. Combined with the obsessive thoughts about Harper, it all threatened to give me a headache. This kind of anxiety was uncharted territory when it came to men. Most guys didn't give me nerves because I never expected to see them again. Now, the prospect of spending time with someone I wanted to impress had me wishing for one of the antianxiety pills I kept at home for emergencies.

I'd been stupid last night. What I should have done was walk around the building, knocking on every door until I found Harper's apartment. The idea of not seeing him until our date seemed fanciful when he brought it up, absence making the dick grow fonder and all that, but now, I wasn't so sure. If I'd found him, I could have at least stolen a kiss, which might have calmed my jitters.

Mercifully, the photo shoot wrapped early, giving me time to visit the farmers' market before it closed at six. A lively crowd buzzed around while I selected heirloom tomatoes, a variety of berries, some peaches, homemade pasta, and a new basil plant for the kitchen. After catching up with some of my favorite vendors, I stowed my bags in the trunk and slid into the driver's seat. Cranking the AC to high, I took out my phone to find a playlist for the ride home. I hadn't heard from Harper, so I thumbed in a quick text. If he answered, I could dictate my responses while I drove.

LUCA: I hope your work thing went okay. Are you in D.C. yet?

It wasn't long before a reply came.

HARPER: Hey! Just boarded the plane and waiting for takeoff. I was planning to text you from down there. How's your day been?

LUCA: Busy but good. I didn't realize you were leaving so late.

HARPER: With my work thing, then driving to the airport, this was the first flight I could take. We'll land in D.C. about seven-thirty.

I almost asked him to wait at the airport so I could go along. We'd have fun and get to know each other down there. Fortunately, I realized that was too pushy before I embarrassed myself. We'd only recently met, and we'd had only one in-person conversation—in a coffee shop with pheromones so thick in the air you could stir them, culminating in a hotter-than-hell fuck in the shop's bathroom. Where anyone could have heard. Which could have gotten us arrested. God, it was stupid, but it was so hot, I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

LUCA: Glad it won't be a long flight. Is someone meeting you?

HARPER: Two friends. I'll be staying with them while I'm there.

LUCA: Glad you won't be alone.

I was happy to hear he was staying with friends instead of an old boyfriend. We hadn't had our date yet, and I didn't want him rekindling anything that would make him change his mind about getting to know me. I could find sex anywhere, but a guy I wanted to spend time with? There weren't many of those.

HARPER: Not at all. I'll be seeing different friends while I'm there, but almost everyone I know in D.C. is married. They're great guys.

Blowing out a sigh of relief, I pulled into the next lane to pass the car in front of me. If his friends were married, they weren't likely to hit on him.

What the hell? We'd only agreed to be fuck buddies—we had agreed on that, right? So, either of us could sleep with anyone else whenever we wanted. That may have been the theory, but I didn't want him having sex with anyone else before I could get my foot in the door. Or my dick in his ass. Whatever.

LUCA: I'm glad. Nothing like good friends.

HARPER: You're right about that. Sorry, but they're ready for takeoff. Text you later?

LUCA: I'll be waiting. Have a safe flight!

At home, I changed into workout shorts and a T-shirt before starting dinner. Wanting comfort food, I settled on a Caprese salad and spaghetti with marinara for dinner, followed by mixed berries for dessert. A few weeks earlier, I'd made some of my grandmother's marinara sauce and froze the leftovers, so I took a container of it from the freezer and popped it into the microwave.

My phone rang while I was turning on the burner under a pot of water. When I saw it was Caleb, my jaw clenched, shooting pain to the back of my neck. I considered letting the call go to voicemail, but at the last minute, I answered.

"How's it going, Luca?"

His voice sent a familiar pang through my heart. He sounded cheerful, but since he had a fantastic life and a husband who adored him, no wonder he was in a good mood. A sudden wave of dizziness had me bracing myself against the counter. Caleb had more than a husband. He had me, too, dangling from a hook I'd bitten down on years before. It was like I was in reserve, just in case anything happened to Daniel. Fuck me for being such a gullible jerk.

Eyes closed. Breathe in through my nose to a count of three. Out through my mouth to a count of four. Repeat.

"Luca, are you there?"

"Just a sec," I croaked.

After repeating the exercise, I opened my eyes. "I'm cooking dinner. Putting water on for spaghetti."

"Your nonna's sauce? Hold dinner until I get there?"

Asshole. If you'd done things differently, I'd have made it for you whenever you wanted. I braced my palms on the counter and took a breath. When had I become so hostile? A therapist had helped me admit I resented Caleb's relationship with Daniel, and I'd tried to let it go because Caleb's friendship was important to me. Fuck that. Since he couldn't see me, I smiled while I gave the phone the finger. "Sorry, but I'm starving. Another time?"

"If you insist." He'd put on a peevish tone, but now he chuckled. "It really is the best sauce in the world. Are you having someone over?"

Keep the oblivious stabs coming, Caleb. You never paid attention to my feelings, so why start now? "No, it's just me. I had a photo shoot all day, so I'm beat."

"Don't know how you do it. What else have you been up to?"

I opened the package of pasta I'd bought at the farmers' market. "Video games, working out. I played paintball with the boys one day." I didn't mention Harper because what was developing between us was too special to share. No one knew what would happen, and I wanted to keep him to myself for now.

Or maybe I should tell him about Harper and say he's my boyfriend. That would shake up Caleb's perfect world. It would be stupid, though, and I wasn't a liar. I dismissed it as a weird idea inspired by my anger—anger I didn't understand. I started washing some of the tomatoes I'd gotten at the market, determined to get my emotions under control. Mustering all the friendliness I could find, I asked, "What have you been up to?"

"Law and Daniel, as usual. There's a big hearing coming up, and I've been doing the grunt work to prepare for that. Daniel's finished teaching for the summer, and since he turned in his grades, he's been coming up with a lot of things to do. Being in the office all day and busy every night is tiring me out."

"Poor you. The life everyone dreams of is making you tired."

"Huh? What does that mean?"

Had I said that out loud? "Um… nothing, Caleb. I'm just being your snarky friend. Sounds like you're having a good summer."

He treated me to the tinkly chuckle I'd always loved, but today it grated on me while I sliced tomatoes.

"We're having a lot of fun, for sure. And the reason I'm calling, besides saying hi to my gorgeous best friend, is to ask if it's okay for Daniel and me to come visit. We're putting our calendar together, so how would the last week of August work for you?"

"Hold on, the pot's boiling." I took my time putting the pasta into the water. If I'd answered too soon, I might have given away my lack of enthusiasm about seeing Caleb. I was in no mood to hear him and Daniel fucking in my bed while I slept on the couch. They always made enough noise to be sure I knew what they were doing.

As if that weren't enough, the way they sweet-talked to each other was enough to give me diabetes, and with their constant hand-holding and disgusting kisses everywhere we went, I sometimes wanted to throw up. Yet I'd always thought it was worth enduring because I got to spend time with Caleb.

I set the timer for ten minutes before turning back toward the phone. "The last week of August will be fine. It'll be nice seeing you."

He spoke to someone in the background, probably his precious Daniel, so after I checked the sauce to be sure it was defrosted, I began slicing fresh mozzarella. By the time Caleb returned to the phone, I'd finished with the cheese and was washing basil.

"It's a plan, then," he said. "We're so excited about seeing you. Daniel sends his best and says he's looking forward to getting some new workout pointers."

I rolled my eyes. Daniel spent a lot of time in the gym, and whenever we were together, he always wanted to work out with me. He'd claim he wanted help refining his routine, and I always played along even though his agenda was not what he said. I was pretty sure he wanted to show me up. Too bad, Dan. He stayed in good shape for a history prof, but he was no professional athlete. Part of my job was to remain in peak physical condition, so I gave that very high priority. Barely containing a scoff, I shook my head at the phone. "I'll be glad to help, if I can."

"He appreciates it, you know. I'm glad you two became friends because it makes things better for all of us."

Anything to make your life easier, Caleb. I couldn't help sneering while I arranged the tomatoes, cheese, and basil on a plate, then added sea salt and olive oil.

"Luca? Are you still there?"

"I'm here. I was finishing a Caprese salad, and you know us dumb jocks. Can't talk and do something else at the same time."

"Don't say that. I know you're joking, but you're one of the most intelligent people I've ever known."

It took too much effort to crush the smart-ass response that sprang to my lips. Instead, I said, "Thanks, Caleb. That means a lot coming from the smartest guy I ever knew." Fortunately, the timer went off, and I asked him to wait while I drained the spaghetti. After mixing in the marinara, I smiled at the phone, hoping to make up for flipping it off earlier. "Dinner's ready. I wish you were here to share it."

"I've always loved cooking with you."

My eyes grew misty, and I had to clear my throat. "Me too. We'll do it in August. But for now, I need to go eat because I'm meeting Sam later for a beer. Thanks for calling."

"I'm glad you had time to talk. I miss you, Luca."

That sounded more sincere than anything else he'd said during the call. I knew he cared for me, which brought on a wave of guilt for having such jaded thoughts during our conversation. "Miss you too. We'll have a great time when you visit."

We said our goodbyes, and after carrying my dinner to the table, I took a steadying breath before digging in. Meeting Sam had been bullshit, but I didn't want to tell Caleb I'd be waiting for Harper's text. "Fuck." I banged a fist on the table. Now my weird feelings about Caleb had made me a liar, after all. It was time to get things sorted out, but I didn't know where to start.

I couldn't shake the memories. Caleb and I used to be inseparable, but my grief was no longer about being in love with him. I'd moved on from that, but the way he broke my heart still stung. He hadn't bothered to tell me he'd found someone else; I had to hear it secondhand, like someone he barely knew. When I reacted badly, he only grudgingly acknowledged my feelings. His response was more along the lines of "I'm sorry you're hurt" than "I don't want this to tie you in knots forever."

We'd been best friends, or at least I'd thought so. Yet he seemed oblivious to my turmoil, and I became a ghost in my own story. I hated how unresolved everything felt, like a wound that wouldn't heal. Not one time in all the years since had Caleb acknowledged the depth of my feelings, so I never got the closure I deserved.

Years of one-night stands with men from dating apps hadn't even satisfied my physical needs, let alone my emotional chaos. Whether it was Harper or someone else, I needed someone to share my life with, at least for a while. I had to put the past behind me and lay the ghosts to rest.

After cleaning the kitchen, I sat down and opened a book. It was a new release about the Cuban Missile Crisis, and I was in the middle of a chapter about the two conflicting messages Khrushchev sent President Kennedy when my phone buzzed.

HARPER: Do you have a few minutes? I wasn't sure if you went out or something, but I wanted to say hi.

LUCA: Just reading at home. I've been hoping to hear from you.

HARPER: Reading the comics? Can't imagine you reading books. ;)

LUCA: Said by a guy who probably only reads sex manuals. ;)

HARPER: FU. I read them all the time. Maybe I'll get lucky and meet some guy to practice with.

I laughed and thought about how to reply.

LUCA: That assumes a lot.

HARPER: And here I thought fucking my legs like a jackhammer meant something.

LUCA: It meant I'm up for you anytime you want.

HARPER: Up for me?

LUCA: Practicing sex is important. :)

HARPER: So I've heard. Hoping we can practice together next week. :)

I couldn't imagine Harper not getting all the sex he wanted and then some, but he was talking the same way he'd acted during our hookup—like a man starved for physical relief.

LUCA: We could've practiced last night, you know. ;)

HARPER: True. Maybe I made a bad call, but I'll be thinking about you a lot while I'm down here.

My cock was getting hard, something that seemed to happen whenever Harper was around. Or texting, or in my thoughts…

LUCA: Me too.

I almost suggested we rehearse together on FaceTime, but then I remembered Gabe's advice not to push too hard.

LUCA: You're with your friends?

HARPER: Yes. We went to dinner from the airport and talked for a while. I told them I was tired because I wanted to text you.

He ditched his friends to talk to me? That put a big grin on my face.

LUCA: I'm glad. I was wondering if you'd get in touch. ;)

HARPER: My friends are married, so they got boring. Figured you couldn't be any worse.

LUCA: If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.

HARPER: I see you have no sense of humor. Unsurprising, since that requires intelligence. ;)

I couldn't help laughing because he thought he was so clever.

LUCA: I'm plenty smart. Told you I was reading. A book, thank you, not the comics.

HARPER: "Green Eggs and Ham"?

LUCA: FU. It's about the Cuban Missile Crisis, something I'm sure you've never heard of. ;)

HARPER: Did a bunch of Cubans get boners?

For a horrifying second, I thought he was serious. Then, remembering how smart he seemed, I barked out a laugh loud enough to echo off the apartment's brick walls.

LUCA: Yeah, big ones. And there you go, bringing sex into it again. You have a one-track mind.

HARPER: Not really. Just figured that's the only thing you know about. :)

LUCA: Already said FU. Now I want to do it for real just to shut you up.

HARPER: Only takes an hour to fly down here.

Holy shit. Was he serious? Maybe I should have asked to go with him.

LUCA: Thought you wanted to wait until next week.

HARPER: Well, if you were right here…

HARPER: Better not, though. I have some important things to do, and dehydration interferes with my ability to function.

LUCA: I'll get you dehydrated next Tuesday.

HARPER: Promises, promises.

LUCA: Oh, buddy, that's so much more than a promise.

It took a moment for his next message to come through.

HARPER: Where's your favorite place you ever visited?

Whatever I expected him to say, that wasn't it.

LUCA: That's a non sequitur. Did I miss something?

HARPER: Nope. I like joking around, but I want to learn about you too. Could we do both?

A smile spread across my face as I considered what he'd said. I couldn't remember hearing words like that since Caleb and I… Shit, fuck Caleb. I'd had enough of him for one day, and it was time to act like a grown man. I had to stop allowing the past to keep me from being happy, even if only for a little while.

LUCA: I'm in. And the answer is Italy. It's where my parents were born, and almost all my family is still there. It's a beautiful country, and I love everything about it.

HARPER: You're a first-generation American, then.

LUCA: I am, and damn proud of it.

HARPER: You should be. Have you been over there a lot?

LUCA: We used to go at least once a year, but I haven't gone as often since I started college. What's your favorite place you've been?

HARPER: Germany. So beautiful, and there's culture and history everywhere you look.

LUCA: Aha! You do like history. You knew the Cuban Missile Crisis wasn't about a bunch of boners.

HARPER: LOL. Busted.

LUCA: LOL. Who's your favorite Ninja Turtle?

HARPER: Gotta be Leonardo. Mature, disciplined, and he has the best weapons. You?

LUCA: Great choice. Mine's Raphael. Marches to his own drummer, and he's always ready to defend his friends and deliver a good smackdown when needed.

HARPER: Oops. Don't Raphael and Leo butt heads a lot?

LUCA: Sometimes. Good thing we're not them. :)

HARPER: For sure.

We kept it light. Snarky comments found their way into arguments about the best ice cream flavor—cookie dough for Harper and rocky road for me. I got brave enough to ask something I'd been wondering about.

LUCA: Do you have a preference?

HARPER: About what?

LUCA: Top, bottom, or vers? Something else? Not all guys even like to fuck, and I'm curious.

Silence. No typing bubbles. No sign of life at all. I was concocting some asinine I-had-you-going text when the bubbles finally appeared. What I'd asked was not an unusual question for two guys having sex together, and I hoped he wasn't about to say something like "TTYL."

HARPER: I've always done one but I'm desperate to do the other. What about you?

Which means fucking what? He's desperate but won't tell me what he needs? I racked my brain trying to remember if he'd said something before, and no, he hadn't. He'd told me how much he enjoyed what we did in the coffee shop, so I pondered that. Did "desperate to do the other" mean he was used to bottoming but wanted to top? Or that he always topped but really wanted to get fucked? Like, for real fucked, in the ass. I growled in frustration because there was no way to tell what answer he wanted from me. It was an important question because I really didn't like getting fucked, and I loved topping. Then I considered how easy it would've been for him to ask to fuck my thighs in the bathroom if he'd really wanted that, so I gambled.

LUCA: I'm a top. I guess I could be vers for the right guy, but I really prefer topping.

I held my breath and waited for his reply.

HARPER: I'd love to be your bottom. I've been trapped into topping for a long time, but I'd really like to bottom.

I'd guessed correctly, then. Thank God.

LUCA: Give me the chance, buddy, and I'll make it worth your wait.

HARPER: I'll hold you to that. Thank you.

Thank you? Harper was one of the hottest specimens of masculinity I'd ever seen, and I'd be thrilled to fuck him silly whenever he gave me half a chance.

While I fantasized about being inside him, Harper returned us to more mundane topics. Something we wanted to do before we got too old? Me, skydiving; Harper, whitewater rafting. We made each other promise to go along for the adventures, and my heart tripped over itself. Too bad we wouldn't be together long enough to experience things like that.

HARPER: Do you realize it's 12:30? I messaged you 2 hours ago.

LUCA: Seriously? I've enjoyed it so much I didn't notice.

HARPER: I didn't either, just happened to look at the time. I'd love to talk all night, but the day's catching up with me. One last question before we go?

LUCA: OK.

HARPER: What's something that scares you?

You. I'm afraid that no matter how safe I try to keep myself, you'll find a way to hurt me. Since I couldn't say that, I thought of something else.

LUCA: Spiders. I irrationally think all of them are poisonous, but whether they are or not, they gross me out. What scares you?

HARPER: Swimming in a lake. You never know what's in the water with you.

LUCA: Good one. I'm not crazy about it either.

We signed off with promises to touch base the next day. I leaned back and stared at the ceiling as a goofy grin stretched across my face. Harper really did scare me, but I liked him enough to face my fears. If I wanted a friend, I needed to trust someone, and he seemed like a good bet.