41. Harper

41 /

harper

Luca and I had been wanting to take a bike ride, so on a shared day off, we decided to explore the Erie Canalway Trail. Luca hadn't been exaggerating when he promised a beautiful trip. The fall colors hadn't yet faded, and riding by the water on a cool, sunny day was the change of pace we'd been needing.

As professional athletes, we always liked to be the best at anything we did, so it wasn't long before our competitive instincts kicked in. What started as a casual ride quickly escalated into a series of friendly races. Both of us were dead serious about winning, and after my third loss in a row, I was half-impressed and half-frustrated. "You're killing me," I said. "How are you in such good shape? You haven't been out of the hospital that long."

"Lacrosse training, baby." He flashed a cocky smile. "We're built differently."

"Right. And your job is so hard, standing in one spot for the whole game."

"Get real, Harp. Goaltending is way harder than you think. All you guys have to do is skate around looking pretty."

"Yup, twenty-miles-an-hour pretty. They clocked Nick Johnson at twenty-five once."

"Did he wave at the crowd while he went by?"

"Fuck off. Skating's only part of it. You also have to dodge sticks, bodies, and the occasional flying puck."

He reached over and batted a hand at me, like he wanted to push me off the trail. "Yeah, yeah. I'm sure it's tough, but I have to stop balls flying a hundred miles an hour. Now that's skill."

"It's always about sex with you, isn't it? You have a real thing for balls."

"Hey, you were the one sucking mine this morning."

"Kiss my ass."

"In your dreams."

We rode on, chirping each other while we enjoyed the scenery. Our time apart, as awful as it was, had brought us closer in the end. Moments like these were precious. We'd become easier with each other, taking time to enjoy the life we were building.

Luca pointed at a passing boat. "We should rent one of those and have a party. Bet guys from both teams would be up for it."

"I'm in. Having some beers and getting to know your teammates would be great."

"Let's look at the calendar when we go home. Maybe we can make it happen before everything freezes over for the winter."

"I'll have you over there skating on the canal in January."

"I'd love to," he shot back. "I'll show you how it's done."

He could be such a blowhard sometimes. "Luca, I'm a hockey player. When was the last time you even put on skates?"

"Last year."

"Bullshit."

"It's true. Gabe got some Warriors and Steamrollers together for a skating competition. It was hilarious."

"I wish I could've seen that." I gave him a snarky look. "Who won?"

"Next question?"

Our cackles echoed across the canal as we sped up for another race.

We were both starving when we reached Lockport, and Luca guided us to a small restaurant he'd been to before. We grabbed sandwiches and took them back to the canal for a picnic. Lying on the grass afterward, holding hands and looking up at the sky, I enjoyed our comfortable silence. So many things had happened since that awful day, and I thought about how lucky we were to get through it.

I'd found a therapist while Luca was still in the hospital, and those sessions had already become a vital part of my life. The fog was lifting, revealing faults in my thinking I hadn't known existed. There was a lot of work ahead, but I was committed to it.

Luca was seeing Dr. Putnam, and we'd agreed to respect each other's privacy and only talk about our sessions when we thought it was necessary. That turned out to be pretty often. We were drawn to each other for support, and our conversations helped us both see our challenges more clearly. Since we were serious about building a stronger relationship, it felt natural to share what we learned.

I broke the silence. "How's it going with the ‘rediscovering yourself' aspect of your therapy? We haven't talked about that for a while, and you don't have to now. I'm just curious."

"It's going really well, actually. You're helping me so much with that."

"Didn't she tell you it couldn't be about me?"

He let my hand go and rolled on his side toward me, so I turned to face him.

"Yes," he said, "but then we talked about it again. I can't rely on you to give me a sense of self, because that wouldn't really be myself. But the way you accept me for who I am makes me more confident, and I can be me. All those years, I was so busy wondering why Caleb didn't choose me that it made me doubt myself. It's sad, but part of me tried to be what others wanted."

"Did you do that with me at first?" I asked. "Try to be who I wanted you to be?"

"No. I sensed you were different right away. Although I didn't realize it at the time, that's what I immediately knew felt unique about you." He sighed. "Dr. Putnam said that's probably one of the reasons I spiraled so badly, because I thought I'd lost that."

I touched a foot to his. "Do you trust me more now?"

"Yes, and I'll learn to trust you and everyone else even more. One of the reasons I trust you is because you came back, and you still like me for who I am. The real me is good enough for you."

"But I left for a while."

Things went quiet, and I wondered if Luca had said all he had to say about it. Finally, he smiled. "Only partially, and really just that first week. But it was you not wanting to let go of what we had that made the difference. We're always going to have disagreements and hard times, but as long as we work at it, we can fix anything."

"True. I'm proud of you for working so hard."

He scooted closer until our hips were touching. "I'm proud of you, too. It's funny how our issues come down to some of the same basic insecurities."

"That may be why we understand each other so well. My heart was closed for business because I felt like men had thrown me away, but those were never healthy relationships to begin with."

"Was ours?"

I took a breath and smiled. "Yes, in a weird way. Dr. Mizell said starting out with sex gave me something to hang my hat on while we got to know each other. Liking the sex so much, and feeling like there was more to what we were doing than hooking up, made me more open to you than I'd have normally been."

Luca leaned up to give me a brief kiss. "Coming back to me said a lot. If you didn't trust me to some degree, you couldn't have done it."

He was right, but maybe not in the way he thought. "Once I believed you didn't sleep with Caleb, things changed. At training camp, I spent too much time worrying about whether I was good enough for you, but that was the wrong thing to focus on. I loved you, and I needed us to be together. You never shamed me for my faults, and you even…" My cheeks burned.

"Even what?"

"Think I'm handsome when I come."

"Oh baby, you're the most beautiful when you come."

Tears were running down my cheeks before I realized it. I sat up, and he put an arm around my back.

"What's wrong, Harp?"

I swiped at the tears. "That right there is an example of why you're helping me get myself together. You love me the way I am."

Luca found a clean napkin in the bag from the restaurant, and I spent a moment cleaning up. We gazed into each other's eyes while he traced a finger across my lips.

Another boat sailed by, bringing us back to the present. We lay down and rolled on our sides.

Luca pressed his lips together for a moment. "Dr. Putnam said we need to talk about what will happen when my season starts in December."

"Busier times," I said, feeling a twinge of anxiety.

"Exactly. Between the two of us, we'll have a lot of practices, games, and road trips to keep track of."

"Time not seeing each other," I said. "I've thought about it."

"It'll be tough, but we've managed so far with your roadies."

We lapsed back into silence. Our reluctance to discuss this showed how much we dreaded being apart. Putting it off was no good, so I said, "You're right that we can do it. You brought this up before, remember?" I winced, because if that was discussing it, I was Gordie Howe.

Luca chewed his lips. "We should talk about it again, babe. If we understand our feelings, we'll handle them better."

I thought about teammates who'd struggled with separations and hadn't handled them very well. Though I wondered whether I should bring it up, what happened to them could put our situation into a better perspective. "You know D.C. has two hockey teams, the Barracudas and the Congressmen?"

He rolled his eyes. "Yes, Harp, I've heard of them."

I ignored his snarky tone. "Three years ago, the Congressmen renovated their arena. It was supposed to take two years, and the Cudas allowed the Congressmen to use their arena while the other one was out of commission. The league adjusted game schedules to make it work. When the Cudas were home, the Congressmen were away, and vice versa."

"I remember hearing about it. Must have been a mess getting it organized."

"I'm sure, but that's not the point. Cleevs and Eckie are married to Congressmen. Gags was in the same position, but no one knew he was with Sven for a while."

Luca nodded, his expression becoming serious. "So, since neither team was in D.C. at the same time, those guys were separated for the entire season?"

"Yes, except for occasional times when both teams would pass in the night. The guys only saw each other for a day or two every few weeks."

"Fucking shit. How did they make it?"

"It wasn't easy. They all had hard times. For a couple of days once, I thought Eckie and Jack were on the verge of breaking up. Gags and Sven were just getting together, and it nearly tore them apart, too."

"Goddammit." Luca pulled his hand away and sat up. He rubbed his mouth while he stared at the canal, and when he looked at me again, worry lingered in his eyes. "Do you think that will happen to us?"

"No. That isn't why I said it." I sat up and reached for his hand again. "We're not them, and as tough as it will be, it won't be like what they went through. We've learned a lot, and we'll figure it out."

"That's true. Our games are all on weekends, which will help."

" All of them?" I'd seen his game schedule, but it only had dates, not days of the week. "I noticed they seemed further apart than ours," I said, "but every single game of yours is on a weekend?"

"Yup. Depending on where they are and which weekend days are involved, we might have to leave on Thursday evening or get back very late on Sunday. Remember I told you how lacrosse doesn't pay much, and a lot of the guys have day jobs to make ends meet?"

"That's got to be hell, but with that schedule, half your weekends must be home games."

"Right, and a lot of your weekends have home games, too. Plus, you're home about half the time during the week."

"On average, yes."

"So, we'll be together quite a bit compared to those poor guys from the Cudas and Congressmen. They had it rough."

"They did, but they all love each other, so they made it."

Luca raised my hand to his mouth for a kiss, then looked into my eyes. "I love you, Harp. We can make this work."

"No question. We'll be able to see a lot of each other's games, and I'm excited about that."

"I already love seeing Buffalo's newest hockey star at work," he said. "And the best part is knowing he's going home with me."

He moved closer and kissed me. No one else was around, but since we were in public, we kept it short. That was fine, because a quick kiss from Luca was worth two of the hottest ones I'd ever had from anyone else.

When he drew away, I traced a finger along his cheek. "I'll get to see you playing with some of those balls you keep talking about."

He tilted his head, and when we both laughed, he cuffed me on the arm. "Fuck off, you bastard."

"You fuck off."

"Think telling me to fuck off is very smart, considering everything you like me to do?"

The playful gleam in his eye made me laugh again, but thoughts of what we could get up to at home made me try for an apologetic look. "I'm sorry. Instead of fucking off, how about fucking me?"

He leaned in for another kiss, then stood and offered me a hand. "We'd better get going then, because I can't do it out here."