28. Harper

28 /

harper

On Sunday morning, I woke up thinking about Luca. I'd dreamed we were at Lake Erie Beach watching another sunset. After it got dark, we walked beside the water, talking about what was happening between us. Everything had seemed so real, and I could still feel his hand holding mine. I'd missed him terribly since leaving Buffalo. After a week of agonizing over every detail, I was still uncertain about the truth, and I didn't know how I felt.

Will I ever know for sure what happened? Not if I don't talk to Luca.

Had I been unfair by jumping to conclusions after I found him and Caleb in bed together? At least, I almost found them in bed together. Had Caleb really not gone upstairs until early morning because he got cold on the couch? Was it all as innocent as Luca claimed?

A different thought had crept into my mind last night while I stared at the ceiling. If nothing physical happened between Luca and Caleb, had there still been an emotional betrayal? After Caleb was such an asshole to Luca, could Luca still be hung up on him? Staying with Caleb all night spoke volumes, even if I didn't really understand the language.

Though I'd told them to go upstairs and talk, I never imagined they'd spend the night together. What kind of person does that when they know their boyfriend is waiting for them? When Caleb blew into town sniffling and whining, batting his big blue eyes and running his fingers through his pretty blond hair, Luca had melted into a puddle. He apparently had no boundaries where Caleb was concerned, and if you give someone else precedence over the person who's supposed to be your boyfriend, that's cheating on some level.

I'd never been anyone's top priority, but Luca had convinced me he was different. His words and actions were unlike anything I'd ever experienced, and though doubts had still found their way in, I kept dismissing them. The gifts he gave me before we were supposed to leave for Maine only strengthened my belief that I'd found my guy at last.

But things weren't different. Regardless of how well things started with men, I never turned out to be the one they wanted to keep. Luca was the same as all the others; he'd thought I was good enough to hang with and fuck, but the minute his precious Caleb appeared on the scene, I became disposable.

Levi's voice rang out from downstairs. He and Eckie had breakfast together every morning, talking about whatever came into their minds. Music played in the background—Van Halen?—and I remembered how much Eckie had always liked the oldies. Now, he'd passed the love of music along to his son. They laughed, and I wanted to go downstairs and see what was so funny.

Would Luca and I have ever been dads? We'd been too caught up in the present to envision a future, but the idea had crossed my mind. I envisioned Luca as a father—patient, gentle, and with a love for our kids that mirrored his love for me. For the first time in a week, warmth wound its way around my heart as I pictured us together, walking on Lake Erie Beach with a little one between us, holding our hands. Laughter would fill the air after Luca told one of his silly dad jokes.

What the hell was I thinking? More fantasy? Like I should go back with my tail between my legs and be hurt all over again?

But what if I was wrong? Everything Luca said could have been true. Would running away from him cost us both a wonderful future? If he was innocent, what did that say about me? What had I done, and why was I so quick to assume he was guilty?

I opened the nightstand drawer and took out a paper I'd brought along. Hoping it wouldn't crush me, I started reading.

Dear Harp,

I've always wanted to take a one-on-one trip with my boyfriend. Problem was, I never had one. I used to be sad about that, but now I've got the best man there is, and you were worth the wait.

I'm super excited about our trip to Maine. Not just happy to go, but amazed by what it means for us. We've both had too much sadness and heartbreak, and now we have a chance to be happy. I hope this vacation is so great that we'll never want it to end. I already don't.

You've exceeded all my expectations I ever had for men, and I pray I can do the same for you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm hitting the road hoping we'll be taking Maine vacations when we're both gray, when hockey and lacrosse are distant memories. Can you join me in that wish?

Yours,

Luca

I didn't fight the tears that sprang to my eyes, and my cheeks grew wet as I considered what to do. I had no choice about returning to Buffalo because training camp would start in two days. Whatever had happened with Caleb, I couldn't deny I still cared for Luca. "He's not the kind of man to cheat" pounded in my head like the lyrics to one of Eckie's 1980s songs, but they alternated with a loud chorus of "Protect yourself, protect yourself, protect yourself." I reread the letter, then cried some more. What a fucking mess I was, not wanting to say goodbye but unsure we could stay together. Fuck me. With a heavy sigh, I reached for my phone.

HARPER: I'll drive back to Buffalo tomorrow, and training camp starts Tuesday morning. If you still want to talk, could we do it tomorrow after I get there?

I hesitated, but with no real choice, I pressed Send. The status said "Delivered" but not "Read," and no typing bubbles appeared. Luca was probably in the middle of something and would reply soon. Another peal of laughter rang out from downstairs, and this time, Jack's low rumble had joined the mix. It was time to go tell them what I'd decided, and then try to enjoy the last day I'd spend with them for a while.

I stopped for a snack in Bradford, Pennsylvania. Though it had taken Luca several hours to get back to me yesterday, he'd already texted multiple times today.

LUCA: I'm so excited to see you. Do you know what time you'll be here?

LUCA: If you're getting here early, we could go down to the beach again. Interested?

LUCA: It's another fucking humid day here but I've got the AC blasting on high so it'll be cool for you. I also went to your place and adjusted the temp down there.

LUCA: Where are you? I was thinking I should order food so we can eat while we talk.

My mind was a jumbled mess. I'd left Buffalo to clear my head and figure out the shitstorm Luca and I had gotten ourselves into, but over the last week, I'd questioned everything from his sincerity to my own sanity. I was nervous about seeing him again. I didn't know what to say, and I had no idea what to expect from him. All I knew was that I'd missed him every second of every day, even when I was furious at him.

But missing him didn't mean I was ready to jump back in like nothing had happened. Talking might point us in the right direction, but there was no guarantee we'd ever get back to where we'd been. Even if I believed Luca was completely innocent of any wrongdoing with Caleb, my reaction had revealed giant faults in my readiness for a relationship. For all I knew, Luca was feeling the same way.

I was like a tree swaying back and forth in a strong wind. Part of me wanted to believe we could survive this storm, but the realist in me was screaming in protest. I couldn't risk getting hurt again, not like this. Who knew what would happen long-term, but I needed more time to figure out what the hell to do. Even though I wanted us to have a real chance, there'd be no hope of making things work unless I got myself together.

I sent him a message before getting back on the road.

HARPER: I should be there in about 90 min. I'll text you from my place.

He replied immediately.

LUCA: Sounds like a plan. I can't wait to see you. This week's been one of the hardest times I ever remember, but I've got some ideas, and I want to hear yours. I'll be waiting.

Without knowing what he had in mind, I kept my reply simple.

HARPER: I've missed you, too. See you soon.

When I got home, I took off my shirt and stretched out on the couch, grateful for the cool air. The apartment was eerily quiet after a day of road noise, but even the AC's gentle hum didn't do much for my frazzled nerves. I knew what I wanted—Luca and peace of mind. What I didn't know was how to get either.

Once I cooled off, I took my suitcase upstairs and dropped it by the bed. I was a sweaty mess, so I stripped out of my clothes and messaged Luca.

HARPER: I'm home. Thanks so much for making it cold in here. I need to shower, and then I'd like to rest a bit before we talk. How's 7? Why don't you come down here?

LUCA: Welcome home, Harp! I'll be there at 7 with pizza from Scionti's.

LUCA: Should I knock or let myself in?

That brought me up short because we'd specifically agreed knocking wasn't necessary. The fight had rearranged things, but I wasn't ready to change this yet.

HARPER: It's considerate of you to ask, but just use your key.

LUCA: Will do babe. I can't wait to see you.

Babe? Would he still be calling me that after I told him what I needed? Trying to hope for the best, I headed into the bathroom to shower.

I put out plates, silverware, and napkins before sitting on the couch to wait. Dressed in clean clothes and blessedly cool, I wondered how the conversation with Luca would go. Sweat running down the back of my neck signaled the onset of shaky hands and tremulous thoughts, and I sent out a prayer to the universe that things would go well.

It was two minutes before seven when the lock clicked and a short knock announced Luca's arrival. I jumped up, adrenaline surging as I smoothed my shirt and turned to face him. His smile was radiant, and I matched it with one of my own. He set a pizza box on the table by the door and crossed the room. His face looked gaunt, and he seemed to have lost weight all over.

Our hug was brief, and it took every bit of determination I could muster to back away before he could kiss me. A stab of guilt pierced my heart as disappointment flickered across his face. His smile faltered but didn't disappear, and my heart pounded as we looked into each other's eyes. His dark orbs were as captivating as ever, but I was saddened not to see the usual gleam. Instead of hope and happiness, there was cautious uncertainty.

"I'm so happy to see you, Harp."

My heart skipped a beat, and my hands started shaking again. "I'm glad to see you, too. Have you lost weight?"

His jaw twitched. "I… uh… had a virus this week, but I'm feeling better now."

"Sorry to hear that. Glad you're on the mend." I gestured at the pizza. "Want to eat first?"