16. Luca

16 /

luca

We fell into a comfortable routine, spending our nights together in a blur of tangled limbs, whispered conversations, and breathtaking sex. During the day, we often had individual commitments—photo shoots for me, and pickup games with his new teammates for Harper. When we were both free, we shared everything from shopping sprees to the awe of Niagara Falls.

Once, after a daylong visit to the Buffalo Zoo, I took him to dinner at Scionti's. We both loved pizza, and since theirs was some of the best in the city, it was a good way to end our adventure. After poring over the menu, we ordered a Margherita and a Romana, with fried mozzarella sticks and toasted ravioli.

The waitress brought the appetizers, and while we dug in, Harper talked about how sick he was of the heat. After swallowing the remains of a cheese stick, he asked, "What would you think about going to Maine the last week in August? It would be cooler there, and I know a place near Bar Harbor where there's a great little inn. The beach is out front, and there's a spa in back. I went there with my folks once, and I've always wanted to go back. It would be awesome to share it with you."

His excitement made me smile. "It should be cooling off here then, too, but a trip sounds like a great idea."

"Have you ever been to Maine? It's a beautiful place, and the coast is spectacular."

"No, but I've always wanted to go. I think my photo shoots should be over by then, but let me check the calendar."

"Fingers crossed."

I pulled out my phone and swiped into the calendar app. "All clear. Let's do it."

"That's terrific. We'll have so much fun."

"Hey, guys. I'm a little surprised to see you here."

I recognized Gabe's voice before I looked up. He was with a skinny blond guy who looked like most of his other boyfriends. Gabe clearly had a type, and I wondered what he ever saw in me.

"Gabe." Harper stood and held out a hand.

I followed suit, and after we'd all exchanged greetings, Gabe introduced his companion, Fallon.

"Oh my, three of the hottest jocks in town." Fallon glanced at Gabe, then back at Harp and me. "Too bad you have goo-goo eyes for each other, or we could all go somewhere and have a good time."

Gabe's smile faltered, and I remembered he'd once dated a guy who tried to force threesomes on him. From the look he gave Fallon, I was pretty sure they were on their last date.

As Harp and I sat back down, I wondered if he'd said anything to Gabe about us dating. I never mentioned being friends with Gabe because I wanted to keep things comfortable as Harp got to know the team.

Gabe glanced between us and asked Harp, "Is Luca the guy you were talking about? The one you met when you first got here that you like so much?"

"Yes. I'd have told you his name, but I didn't realize you knew each other."

Harper's grin melted my heart. He'd been bragging about me, which made me feel like a million bucks.

Gabe shot me a perplexed grin. "And Harpy's the… Why didn't you say anything?"

"Honestly, at first, I didn't even know Harp played hockey. After I found out who he was, I wanted to let you guys get acquainted in your own way. He's amazing, and I didn't want anything to keep you from seeing this on your own."

Harp touched my arm. "I think it was very considerate."

"I get it," Gabe said. "Harpy's kickass. If he stays healthy, we'll make the playoffs for sure."

Fallon cleared his throat and wrapped his arm around Gabe's. "Honey, we should get going if you want to…" He glanced meaningfully at Harp and me, then finished his thought, "I know how much you like it when I?—"

Gabe silenced him by holding up a hand, then looked at me. "I remember when you messaged me. I told you I hoped things worked out, and I still do, more than ever."

"Thanks, Gabe," Harper and I said in unison.

"Let's get together sometime soon. I'm glad you two have hit it off. Couldn't happen to two nicer guys. You're—" The waitress interrupted to deliver our pizzas. When she left, Gabe nodded at us and disengaged his arm from Fallon's. "We need to get out of here and let you eat. Fallon has an early plane to catch."

Since I knew Gabe well enough to recognize the edgy tone in his voice, I worked hard to contain a snicker. He was probably thinking, And I've got to find another young blond.

After they left, Harper tilted his head. "Gabe's really nice. How do you know him?"

I hesitated, but to hell with that. Harp and I both had pasts we shouldn't be afraid to discuss. "We met not long after I moved to Buffalo," I said. "We went out a few times, but it didn't work."

Harper treated me to one of his smirks. "What, you weren't skinny and fake-blond enough?"

It was the first time I'd heard him throw shade, and it made me cackle. "That could have been part of it. But it wasn't a good time, and we weren't right for each other."

Harper's eyes told me he figured there was more to the story, but he let it drop. "Maybe we can all have drinks sometime, like Gabe said. It sounds fun."

"Agreed. After we come back from Maine?"

"Good call."

Ready to change the subject, I picked up a mozzarella stick and asked the first question that came to mind. "Is Nick Johnson as nice as I've heard? As big a star as he is, it's hard to tell."

"He's one of the best men you'll ever know. Nick would give anyone the shirt off his back, and being such a great guy makes him an inspiring leader." Harp picked up a slice of Margherita. "I love his husband, too. His name's Jacob, and when I was out last year after I hurt my shoulder, he would come by when the team was on road trips. He always brought food, but the best thing was talking to him. He was so sweet, there's no wonder Nick's crazy about him."

"They've been together since college, right?"

Harp took a bite of his pizza before answering. "College for Nick, but law school for Jacob. He became a lawyer for a while, but eventually stopped so he could do more volunteer work."

"Imagine marrying your college sweetheart. It's like a fantasy."

"True. Did you have a college sweetheart?"

"No, not really." I tore into a slice of Romana, hoping he'd change the subject.

"What does that mean? Sounds like there's a story there."

My stomach churned. I'd always meant to tell Harper about Caleb, but it had never seemed like the right time. Talking about such a painful chapter in my life made me nervous. Though I knew Harp wouldn't judge me, it might be hard for him to hear. I thought about asking if we could talk about it later, but that felt wrong. I wanted honesty to be the foundation of our relationship, and I liked Harp too much to avoid talking about things simply because they were difficult. "I didn't date much in college," I said. "Mostly screwed around, to be honest. I wasn't…"

Harper finished his slice and reached for another ravioli. "Weren't what? Don't tell me a drop-dead model for Finley Sports Gear couldn't get a date."

The urge to deflect was strong, but I'd just been thinking about the kind of connection I wanted with Harper. As much as I didn't want to admit it, if Harp didn't know about Caleb, he'd never truly know me. I drank some cola, but there wasn't much liquid courage in sugar and carbonated water. "It wasn't that," I finally said. "I tried to avoid commitment. There was this guy… Are you sure you want to hear about this? It's not a happy story."

Harper's gaze softened into quiet understanding. "Only if you're comfortable sharing. If it's too hard, don't let me pressure you. I'd never want to do that."

The gentleness in his voice enveloped me like a cozy blanket. No one, not even Caleb, had ever cared about my feelings the way Harper did. I had panicky moments when I was afraid he might disappear, but the rational part of my brain sided with my heart: trust him .

I looked into his eyes and started talking. "My best friend is named Caleb. He was a year ahead of me, and I met him the first week I was at Marlowe. We were part of a friend group, but he and I hit it off more than the rest."

"Was he your boyfriend?"

"No." I took a few seconds to relax my jaw and breathe. "He and I spent a lot of time together, and for the first year and a half, we were only friends. I thought he was attractive, but you don't make moves on your friends." Harper nodded as I went on. "To make a long story short, things happened one night. Since we were both single, we agreed to be friends with benefits. It was fantastic, but after that year, during the summer right before he was a senior, I missed him so much." I glanced away and mumbled, "I more than missed him."

"You'd fallen for him?"

I nodded. "When school started, I was afraid to say anything. We were still close and hooked up like always. It was fun, but I…"

"Wanted more." Harper's soft smile made my breath catch. "You were in love with him?"

"Yes, but I couldn't tell him that. He thought I was screwing around all the time when we weren't together, but I'd just hang out with my buddies or lie in my room trying to find the courage to be honest with him."

"That had to suck. What happened?" When I huffed, trying to break the tension in my chest, Harp misunderstood. "You don't have to tell me. I shouldn't have pushed."

"It's not that. I want to tell you." I almost took another ravioli but thought better of it. "I came back from Christmas ready to tell him, but he'd changed. For the next month, we hung out a lot, but he was distant. We didn't hook up. Eventually, I found out he'd fallen in love with one of his professors. Daniel. " I shuddered and made a funny face.

Harper chuckled. "Daniel the Asshole?"

"Not really. As much as I'm tempted to say yes, Daniel has been pretty nice to me. It's just hard not to resent him. They'd actually met the summer before, but Caleb didn't know Daniel was going to teach at Marlowe, and Daniel didn't know Caleb was a student there. It turned out Caleb was in Daniel's class that spring, which was why he got so weird. When I finally learned they were in love, I didn't react very well."

"Who would?"

"I was a real jerk about it, but in my defense, Caleb broke my heart. When I confessed I was in love with him, he said the right things, but he was already gone."

"And you were without your best friend's support exactly when you needed it most. I'm so sorry."

I was blown away. How did Harper understand it so well when no one else ever had? "Thank you. I made it through the year and even helped them stay together. Caleb was going to law school in Chicago, and since my dad's a dean at Northwestern, I basically got Daniel a job there. They both still live in the area—Daniel teaching, and Caleb practicing law. We're all still friends."

We were quiet until the waitress came to ask if everything was all right. We said yes, and when she left, Harper's eyes locked onto mine. "What aren't you telling me?"

Nervous prickles ran up my spine. Harper saw there was more to it, which means he saw me . Buddies, friends, even family members listened to me, but Harp took it to a different level—he understood. Telling him the rest of what happened was a gamble, but if I glossed over it, he would have known I wasn't being completely honest. The decision was simple: tell him what happened and hold on to a chance of moving forward together, or say I couldn't talk about it and destroy the trust we'd developed.

Fuck it, and fuck Caleb. I reached for Harper's hand. "I made it through the school year, but the following summer, I got depressed."

He widened his eyes and nodded for me to go on.

"The beginning of my senior year was exciting, and I felt better for a couple of weeks. Then I got down again, but I kept it to myself. I had a single room, and at the end of the day, I'd go to bed. I was safe there. Often, I couldn't get up until someone came by and banged on the door until I let them in."

"Holy fuck, Luca." Harp's eyes were shiny, and he squeezed my hand. "How long did that go on?"

The memories flooded back, turning my insides into a hollow pit. "Too long. Eventually, I couldn't get out of bed at all. No class, no practice, no hanging out with friends. I had to keep the blinds closed because light gave me headaches. My appetite disappeared, and that alone tells you how bad it was." I tried to chuckle at the grim joke, but the sound was more akin to a quiet sob. "My friends called my parents, who flew to Vermont. They ended up taking me to a psych ward so I could get a handle on things."

"Did it work?"

I nodded. "They put me on meds for depression and anxiety. I had to get up and be active, and since we had therapy every day, I had to talk. I stayed there for two weeks, and by the time I went home to my folks' house in Chicago, I was doing better."

"Thank God." He let my hand go and gave me a slice of Margherita. "Eat this, then you can tell me the rest if you want to."

The hollowness I'd felt faded in the warmth of Harp's caring. We ate another slice of pizza, and then asked the waitress to box up the leftovers. After she brought them back, Harp patted my arm. "Let's walk around. It might be easier to talk."

It was getting dark outside, and we walked down a street lined with closed businesses and a few bustling restaurants. Not many people were on the sidewalk. "Want to hear the rest?" I asked, taking Harp's hand.

"Absolutely. You said you were better when you went back to Chicago?"

"I was definitely on the mend. My folks made sure I took it easy and kept up with my meds and therapy. After the holidays, I went back to Marlowe for spring term. It was lacrosse season, and I needed something to pour myself into. I did well enough for the Steamrollers to offer me a contract."

"Which only shows what an amazing person you are. You're strong, Luca."

I shrugged. "Didn't really have a choice. It was lay around and wait to die, or get up and try to have a life."

"Don't try to make it sound that simple. You made the hardest choice of all, which was to overcome something that almost broke you."

"You're right." I paused. Admitting I'd been brave about that time in my life had always been hard for me. "I appreciate your saying that. Not everybody gets it."

"They're dumbasses, then. A lot of people would take the easiest path, which would have been to stay in bed and do nothing. You're a rock star, Luca."

I was choked with emotion, so we walked on in silence. Soon, we turned down another street with shops closed for the night, and it wasn't long before Harper pulled us to a stop. He pointed through a store window at a display of Dungeons and Dragons merchandise. "We definitely need to come back here."

"I'm in. We'll do it tomorrow, if you want."

"Sure." He squeezed my hand, turning toward me and looking into my eyes. "Thanks for telling me about that stuff. I appreciate the trust you're giving me."

I took a deep breath. "There's actually more, if you're up to hearing it." Fuck, there was always more, but as uneasy as it made me to tell him about this, Harper had to know. He could run, but I didn't believe he would. And if he stayed, I'd know he really liked me—the real me, not an image of someone who didn't exist.

"Go for it. Say what you need to."

I tugged on his hand, and we walked on, turning a corner that took us toward home. "I was better, but I was still in bad shape for a long time. My first year in Buffalo, I tried to do my best, but I was still so sad and lonely. I hadn't had sex for going on two years by then, and that was making me nuts."

"Damn. Not sure I could go two years."

"Things obviously had to change, and boy, did they. I started drinking too much, did a lot of things I'm not proud of, and made every bad decision there was to make. I was terrified of men because I didn't want to get my heart wrecked again, so it's been…"

After a moment of silence, Harper finished the sentence for me: "One empty hookup after another? I'm all too familiar with that."

"You nailed it."

He pulled us to another stop and faced me. "Sounds like a horrible time, but you seem to be doing better now. I'll help any way I can."

"You already are." I could have said so much more, but my thudding pulse drowned out everything but the need to be close to him. He must have felt the same, because we wrapped each other in a big hug. Emotions crested between us as we kissed, holding each other close as our hearts pounded chest to chest. I definitely had more to tell him, and when we got home, I would say it in a very physical way.

We walked the rest of the way in silence. How could I have been such a fool for years? It was time to act like I had a brain and take advantage of the opportunity that was right in front of me. I'd never had a man who was mine. The closest I ever came was with Caleb, which wasn't close at all.

He claimed to be my best friend, but was he really? Could a best friend truly have been as ignorant about my feelings as he'd claimed to be, or had it been more convenient to ignore them? If he didn't recognize what I felt, he'd never have to deal with it. He could go on getting sex from me whenever he wanted—and he'd wanted it a lot.

Even after the spring term began, after he knew Daniel was at Marlowe, he kept leading me on. Until it came out that he was in love with Daniel, we still sometimes slept in the same bed, but he always kept things just shy of sex. We'd kiss and touch each other, he'd moan and get excited… but always, right before making out became fucking, he'd turn off like someone flipped a light switch.

His obliviousness had continued ever since. I helped Daniel get a job— thank you, Luca, you're such a good friend. I helped them move even though I was so depressed I couldn't eat— wow, Luca, is there someone special who has you so out of sorts? I was even Caleb's best man at their wedding— gosh, Luca, it's great you and Daniel are close because it makes it easier for us to be friends. Through the years, I'd done everything I could to support Caleb, but he'd never treated me right.

He acted like I was his back-up boyfriend, someone who was never allowed to move on in case he needed me. It was always, "Take care of yourself, Luca. Guys will use you. You'll get hurt. You'll hurt them. I don't want you to end up like before." He always claimed he wanted me to be happy, but he never encouraged me to be happy.

The pattern had continued a few weeks earlier when I told him about Harper. It was the only time I'd ever told him about liking a guy, and he'd pitched his gaslighting version of a fit. He denigrated Harper without ever having met him, tried his best to plant seeds of distrust, and implied no one could possibly date me unless they wanted to use me for something.

Did Caleb want me to be happy? Or did he want me pining after him for the rest of my life?

When Harper and I arrived at our building, I unlocked the door so he could go in first. Nothing was guaranteed forever, but this man cared about me, and it was time to put the Caleb Event to rest.