Chapter 10

We spent the week clearing out the rest of the basement. In the evenings, I visited Daphne and Izzy in their new place. As much as the project excited me and fueled me in a way my regular job didn't, I couldn't lose sight of the fact that I was home to see my family.

Today, we were focused on the bowling alley, throwing out the shoes and measuring for new shelves. Apparently, Aiden was taking on that project himself.

As we washed the dust off our hands, Aiden asked, "What are your plans for tonight?"

"We're having a family dinner at my dad's. Everyone in the same place. Or at least everyone who lives here: Jameson, Teddy, Weston, Daphne, Cole, and Izzy."

"That'll be nice."

"I'm going to take a shower first because it looks like I was in a dust storm."

He wiped a hand over my cheek where I was sure I was covered in a fine coating of more dust, sending tingles down my spine. "Have a good time with your family."

His voice was low and husky, and I wanted to ask him if he'd join me in the shower. But that was a bad idea. We'd always had chemistry, but that didn't mean anything.

The problem was that the more time we spent together, the more I remembered how good of a guy he was, how much I enjoyed spending time with him. He was interested in what I had to say. I couldn't remember the last time someone listened to me that intently.

But I couldn't forget that I wasn't who he wanted in the end. I wasn't enough for him.

I stepped away from him. "You look like you could use a shower too."

"I'm heading to my apartment just as soon as I put out a snack for the kids. We have a few families in town for the holidays. I like to put out cookies."

"That's sweet."

"It's totally worth it when the kids come down here looking for a treat and find it. They get really excited." He grabbed the cookies from the cabinet. "These are store-bought, but I'd love to find a local baker who could supply us with treats."

"Hmm. I'll have to ask Daphne if she'd be willing to do that. She can bake, but she prefers pies."

"Maybe if not, she knows someone who would."

"I'd be happy to talk to her."

We headed to the lobby where the stairs would take me to my room. He opened the tray of cookies and arranged them on a plate. I'd made it up a few steps before I heard the pounding of little feet on the stairs.

"Slow down. There's plenty for everyone." Aiden smiled at them and then looked up, catching me watching. He winked, and my face flushed.

I continued ascending the stairs because watching Aiden with kids was dangerous to more than just my heart. I could see him with a child following him around the inn while he did repairs. He'd carefully instruct the child how to fix things. He'd be patient and loving.

I shook my head. Just because he was good with the guests didn't mean he'd make a good father. Except I remembered when we would talk about his parents, he'd been adamant he wouldn't be anything like them.

Since I"d come home, I was confronted with my past. It was nice to reconnect with people. But Aiden was different. I didn't feel like we were moving forward as friends. I felt like we were building a foundation for something more, which was ridiculous. A foundation for what?

He'd been the one to say that he didn't want a relationship with me. There was no future for us. He'd made that clear. When he touched my cheek in the kitchen, I'd wanted him to kiss me, despite the warning signs and our history.

Logic didn't come into play. It was all sensations. The tingles from his touch, the unsteadiness of my breath. The ache in my core.

I needed to keep Aiden securely in my past. Maybe I should consider moving into Daphne's place. At least I wouldn't be around Aiden as much. We'd still need to work together, but surely, I could compartmentalize that part of my life. We were coworkers.

I took a shower, relieved to wash off the layer of dust on my skin. I worked a corporate job, and I visited different sites, but I never got dirty like this. It felt good to be hands-on with this project when I didn't get the opportunity.

As I got ready to go to my dad's, I found myself slowing my movements, dreading that moment when I'd walk inside the kitchen and my mom wouldn't be there. I'd been okay the last time I visited, but I couldn't help the nerves from kicking in.

I told myself I could do it. It was no different than last time. I'd be fine.

I grabbed my purse and my jacket and walked with purpose down the hall and the stairs. Marley was at the door. "Off for a hot date?"

I laughed. "I'm eating with my family tonight."

Her face fell. "Not as fun as a hot date."

"Definitely not."

Marley came around the counter and hugged me. "Thank you so much for helping Aiden with the theater project. You've been a godsend."

"You're welcome. I'm enjoying it."

"If you're thinking about a career change, I have an entire basement that needs your touch, and I have a feeling you have more ideas for programs we can enact."

"It's tempting. I love this inn. It brings back so many memories, tea with your grandmother—" I broke off before I could say anything about her brother.

"Were you going to say something about Aiden? It's okay. I can handle it." Then she chuckled. "Maybe not the more intimate details."

"There's nothing to talk about. We were kids back then, and things didn't work out."

Marley shook her head. "I'm speaking from experience when I tell you this—it's hard to forget your first love."

Between visiting my family's home this evening and Marley referring to Aiden as my first love, I felt a little off keel. "I need to get going."

"Of course. I wouldn't want to keep you. Have a good evening." Marley moved behind the counter, and I pushed the heavy front door open. I hesitated on the steps, and seeing a rocking chair on the porch, I sank into it. There was a beautiful tree next to me, and I pulled my knees up to my chest and dropped my head.

A few minutes later, the door opened, and someone stepped outside. "I thought you were going to your dad's for dinner."

I looked up just as Aiden sat in the second rocking chair. "You don't want to go, do you?"

"I want to spend time with my family."

"Is it being in the house, knowing your mother isn't ever going to be there again?"

"How do you see me that well?" Tears pricked my eyes. He didn't have that kind of relationship with his parents, yet he saw the relationship I'd had with my mother.

"You were gone when she was sick. I bet it's different for you than your siblings who were there for it." He held up his hands as if to ward me off. "Not that I think you should have done anything else, but it is more challenging for you."

I let my head fall back. "It shouldn't still feel like this, right? It's been years, and it's not like I haven't been at the house several times."

"Not if you've been avoiding the feelings that arise when you're there."

I wondered if he'd avoided his feelings when he broke things off with me. If that's what made it so easy for him. "You know I have. I've buried myself in school, then work."

"Now you're slowing down; you're home. Everything is coming to the surface. Things you haven't dealt with yet."

I picked at the material of my sweater. "So what should I do?"

"Feel your feelings. Whatever they are."

"I can't cry in front of my brothers. They hated when me and Daphne cried. Although I hear they're better with Izzy."

Aiden sighed. "I think they want to fix things for you, and they feel helpless when you're upset."

I smiled. "I'll get through it."

"I'll be here tonight if you want to talk about it."

"Thank you. It's nice because you know what I went through."

"You were protecting yourself, and your mom would have wanted you to finish school. She'd be proud of the person you've become."

"I hope so." I wasn't sure what I wanted to do next, but I was proud of my career, everything I'd built. Even if my boss couldn't see it.

I unfolded my legs and stood. "I'd better get going before my brothers send out a search party."

"We wouldn't want that to happen," Aiden said, his voice low.

There was no one nearby. We were alone on the porch, partially blocked by the tree, and I wanted nothing more than to feel the comfort of being in his arms.

Aiden raised a brow as if he'd read my thoughts. "Come here."

I practically fell into him. I was so desperate to feel his strength and breathe in his scent. He'd recently showered, and he smelled like soap. I sighed as I melted further into his body. His muscles felt hard, and his heart beat steadily under my cheek. I wished we could fall right back where we were, but we couldn't. Too soon, I forced myself to step away. "Thanks for the hug."

Aiden shoved his hands into his pockets.

I wanted to think that he did it so he wouldn't reach for me again. That he felt the familiar pull and had to check himself.

He dipped his chin. "The offer stands. I'll be here when you get back."

"Thanks, Aiden." I turned and walked toward my rental car. Aiden was offering to be there for me as a friend. What if I couldn't be around him without wanting more?

I was interested in Marley's offer of working on the inn's renovation. It sounded amazing, but I wasn't sure I could do it and work next to Aiden. I wasn't sure I wouldn't do something I'd regret, like kiss him.

When I arrived at the farm, I bypassed the line of cars entering to get trees, noting it was shorter than I remembered when I was growing up. Back then, the line would stretch down the road, and occasionally we'd need a police officer to direct traffic. Now, Teddy hired local high school students who needed volunteer hours to graduate.

Now there were just a few cars at the gate house, where they could get a map of the fields and a saw. I always loved this time of the year: the smell of the trees being cut, and the holiday music playing over the speakers. It felt good to be back except not everything was the same.

I parked next to Teddy's blue cruiser and Weston's black-and-gold Department of Natural Resources truck. I was proud of my brothers for their chosen professions, even if I never had any urge to go into law enforcement.

Before I could turn the knob, the door opened, and Jameson engulfed me in a hug. He squeezed me tight, and when he let me go, he said, "It's good to have you home for a long visit."

"Thanks, Jamey."

He winced. "I don't go by that anymore."

I grinned. "Why not? I think it's cute."

He just gave me a look. "Women do not want to go out with a man named Jamey."

"So Jameson is more manly?" I asked, enjoying the banter. He'd always been the more relaxed brother, the one who loved to joke around. The rest of my brothers were a little more uptight, and his easygoing ways sometimes drove them crazy. My dad was worried for a long time he wouldn't graduate from school or choose a profession. That he'd be living at home forever. He still lived in the apartment above the garage, but at least he'd settled into his role as a firefighter.

It was so easy to be around Jameson, I almost forgot about my anxiety. Teddy and Wes stood in the kitchen where Dad was getting things ready for the grill.

When Dad saw me, he pulled me in for a hug and kissed the top of my head, making me feel like I was a kid again. "We're just waiting on Daphne and Cole."

"Let's be honest; everyone's waiting on Izzy," Wes said.

I couldn't help the smile that spread over my face as he held his arm out for me. Every time I was home, I marveled at how large my brothers had gotten. They'd filled out in the years since I left, growing into men who commanded respect at their jobs.

"It's good to have you home, sis," Wes said.

I looked around the kitchen, at my brothers who seemed to take up all the space and my father who'd aged a bit but was still a large man. "It's good to be home."

"You sound surprised," Teddy said as I hugged him next.

"I don't know what I expected. Maybe that things would feel different without Mom—" Then I broke off, remembering that my brothers didn't like to talk about her after she'd passed.

Jameson leaned a hip against the counter, an amused expression on his face. He was always smiling. Even when Dad would get frustrated with his grades or his laid-back attitude. "I guess it's different for you. You didn't live here after—"

I swallowed over the lump, not expecting to broach this subject with my family. "It's different."

"We're just happy you're home for the holidays," Dad said as he poured olive oil over the cut-up veggies.

"I am too," I said, surprising myself. I never had time to take off. There was always a new project to work on, another hotel that needed my help. But now that I'd made the time, I wanted to do it more often. If my boss couldn't see my worth, was it necessary to work through holidays, never taking any vacation days?

"I'm going to fire up the grill." Dad handed Teddy the veggie platter and they went outside.

Wes grabbed a box of crackers from the pantry and dumped them onto a plate. "I heard you're spending a lot of time with Aiden at the inn."

"I'm staying there, and his sister, Marley, wants to renovate the basement. Hotels are kind of my specialty, so she asked for my advice."

"You could stay here. Daphne moved out of the cottage," Jameson said, sounding like he would prefer that.

"I was worried that staying here would be hard for me," I admitted softly.

Wes nodded. "I can understand that."

"I didn't handle things the best back then. I didn't come home. I didn't help out. Not like Teddy did."

Weston frowned. "Dad wanted you to stay in school. He would have been pissed if you quit."

"Teddy moved closer."

Teddy had taken on a larger role when Mom died, He'd moved closer to home to keep the rest of the kids in line, making sure they went to school and their grades hadn't fallen.

"He knew he wanted to be a police officer near home. It made sense for him to move back. Mom always thought you should go away to school, experience all that life had to offer. When she got sick, she made Dad promise that nothing would change. That everything would go on as it had before."

"You can't lose someone like that and expect everything to be the same." I'd felt bereft after she died, and then when I lost Aiden too, I thought I'd never recover. That I'd always have this hole in my chest.

"Between Dad and Teddy, they tried to keep things the same, but they weren't," Wes said.

I shook my head, guilt seeping into my tone. "I'm sorry I wasn't there."

"You did what you were supposed to do, lived your life. Dad was proud of you," Weston said.

"Everyone's all grown up, and I feel like I missed it," I said fondly.

"Not everyone's grown up." Wes glanced at Jameson, who said, "Hey," and threw a cracker at him.

"You're right. Nothing has changed around here," I said with a smile, and my brothers' shoulders relaxed.

I enjoyed my brothers' teasing.

"When are you going to grow up and get a real job?" Wes asked Jameson.

"I have a real job. Besides, I wasn't cut out for police work. I don't want to arrest people. I like helping them."

My heart warmed at Jameson's comments. He'd always had the biggest heart. "I think it's great that you're a firefighter."

"I suppose it's better than living in the basement, playing video games," Wes said light heartedly.

I remembered there was a time when Dad was worried about Jameson, when he couldn't' seem to make a decision about what he wanted to do with his life. But not everyone had their life planned out in high school. "The important thing is that he's happy now."

An emotion passed over Jameson's face, one I couldn't place.

Then the front door opened, and Izzy came running through. "Aunt Fiona," she cried right before she launched herself into my body.

"Umph," I said as my arms came around her, and I bent to breathe in her scent. "You smell like graham crackers and strawberries."

"That's about right," Daphne said as she joined us in the kitchen.

"You look right here, sis," Daphne said as she hugged me with one arm, then made the rounds with our brothers.

"Dad and Teddy are outside," Wes offered.

Cole inclined his head. "I'll go see if they need help."

The exchange with Cole was more reserved than how my brothers usually were with each other. I hoped that eventually Cole would be considered one of us, and he'd be teased mercilessly.

"Did you see my dollhouse?" Izzy asked as she took my hand and dragged me into the living room.

"It's surprising, isn't it?" Daphne asked as she followed us. "He never let us have a dollhouse."

"There were so many of us. I'm sure it was expensive for them to buy us toys."

"And it was easier to tell us to play with the boys' toys."

I never cared about dolls, but Daphne had. She was more girl, loving to bake with our mom and play dress-up. I'd always been more serious, reading a book, or riding my bike over the farm.

"I love having you here," Daphne said as she sat on the floor in front of the dollhouse.

I lowered myself onto the couch. "It's good to be back."

"I wish you could stay longer."

I surprised myself by saying, "Me too."

Izzy handed Daphne a doll. "You be the mom."

Daphne smiled. "I can handle that," and then she asked me, "Have you decided what you want to do?"

I thought about Marley's offer and Aiden's promise to be there for me. "I don't know."

"You have time to figure things out. My life has changed so much this year, and it wasn't always easy, but I wouldn't have wanted it to happen any other way."

If I'd stayed at work, I'd be too busy to think about the bigger picture, like what I wanted. I was starting to think that working in an office and flying from one hotel to the other wasn't living my best life. Being here helped me see that my life could be fuller.

Here, I could enjoy the time with my family and think about what was important. Work wasn't at the top of the list anymore. Especially when it didn't give me the same passion as working on the inn did.