Chapter 42

I hold onto Nessa as she cries in my arms. It seems her nausea has subsided but has been replaced with something new. Something terrifying.

Nessa is pregnant. We are going to have a child. A baby.

Cillian gets up and leaves, only making matters worse. Doc explains that the really bad period she had in the hospital must have been a sign that the IUD was displaced. He's going to bring some equipment to the house to see if she passed it or if it is still inside of her.

Nessa doesn't hear any of this though. The moment the tears stop, a silent resolve overtakes her.

"Why did I just start vomiting now? Is that a sign it's still early?"

Doc shakes his head. "Not really. It could be a number of things. When you're pregnant, you're not supposed to have massages because of the release of lactic acid build-up. It can trigger extreme nausea and discomfort or send you into labor. That, combined with getting in and out of the hot tub probably sent you into some sort of shock. Once your body processed it, you began vomiting. The choice of food and alcohol was probably not a helpful factor."

Nessa presses her lips into a thin line. She hasn't had a period in almost five months, she could be four months pregnant easily. How did I not see this?

"I don't want it," she says to Doc before he can leave the room, and my heart skips a beat, breaking a little inside.

"First, I need to check how far along you are and whether or not it's viable with the IUD placement. Then, I can give you the best course of action."

She agrees and Doc lets himself out. It takes a minute for her words to sink in. When they do, I have to separate myself from her and stand.

Nessa does not want my child, our child . No discussion, no nothing. She did not even ask me. As much as I believe it is her body so ultimately it is her choice, I still want to at least talk about this.

I want this baby. No matter whose it is, I am sure it will look exactly like Nessa. I can just imagine the curly red hair and chubby cheeks. An image of me rocking the baby to sleep at night plays out in my mind, of doing all the things I lost out on with Alexi. This was a chance to do what a father should do.

I know I am in my fifties, and this is a lot to ask, but I want our baby.

Nessa doesn't move from her place on the bed. She sits with the IV line still attached to her arm and her hands in her lap. Her legs are crossed as she stares off into the distance.

I do not know how to have this conversation, but I need to have it before I explode.

"Nessa," I breathe as I move to kneel in front of her. She turns her face away from me, shaking her head.

"Don't." Her lips roll together as if trying to hold back tears. "Don't ask me to keep it."

"Please talk to me, Lisichka, " I beg, wiping a droplet from her face. Her hands grab onto mine, squeezing almost enough to hurt.

"I can't, Boris. I can't worry every day. I can't be scared that this child will end up a pawn in the twisted world we live in, and I won't raise them in a cage either. No matter what, I lose. They lose. This is no life for a child to be brought into."

I understand her worry, I was there. While the risks terrified me, it was not a death sentence for my child and this will not be either.

"Alexi is one of the strongest men I know, and I think I did something right there. Not everything, but it is possible to do this."

Nessa shakes her head again. "And what if it's a girl? What if men take her away from us? What if the worst happens to her because we couldn't protect her?"

Fuck. There is truth to her words . When we found out Alexi was a boy, I was beyond thankful. Raising a child in this world is a challenge, but boys are very different from girls.

As much as I wish gender did not matter, sometimes it can play a role in the fears we envision for our children. It pains me because we created a life together, and Nessa seems more upset about that than when she was being tortured.

I wish I could walk away like Cillian did. For once, I understand the kid. Whether he wants this baby or not, this is a hard thing to accept.

"Boris, don't tell me you want to keep it."

I keep my mouth shut because I will not lie to her. There is nothing I want more in this moment than to see little versions of her running around the yard, so I cannot relieve her worry.

"Come on." Her voice is begging as she grips my hand tighter. "You and Cillian hardly get along even on the best of days, do you really want to throw a child into the middle of that? Not to mention, who would feel left out when we find out whose it is?"

She looks down in her lap and picks at the tape around her IV line, avoiding eye contact.

"Would you both want another child to make the score even? Would each of them grow up thinking they were loved less by one of you because they aren't your biological children?"

It's my turn to shake my head. "I do not need to know whose it is, all that matters is that it is yours. Any baby of yours will have my love from now until the moment I take my last breath."

Nessa's lip trembles. "Boris."

"Please do not ask me to agree with your choice, but know that I will respect the decision you make, even if it pains me to do so."

I squeeze her hands in mine and then let go. Fear unlike anything I have ever known begins to eat at my heart.

I thought losing her would make me wish I were dead, but a piece of my heart turned to ash the moment she said she did not want our child.