Chapter 6

It’s not the pain that registers first, nor the warm body pressed against me. It’s not the realization that I’m in the hospital, or that I’m even alive.

The first thing I notice is that I feel empty .

My hand rests over my stomach, a bandage just beneath my fingers, and I know without a doubt that my little girl is gone.

I can’t bring myself to open my eyes. Because if I do, then this is real. I’ll be living in a world where I couldn’t do the one thing I promised the moment I decided to keep our little girl. I couldn’t protect my child.

I can feel the tears running down my face as I try to remain silent. Cillian’s scent lets me know that he’s here, but I’m not ready for him to know I’m awake. I’m not even ready to be awake.

So I sit there, in silence, as the hollowness slowly fills me.

I don’t know who did this, all I saw was the gun, and my first instinct was to protect that little boy. He tried to move so fast, to be the thing that stood between me and a threat. But I couldn’t let him do it.

I had to make a choice, and that choice led me here. I don’t regret saving him. I just wish I didn’t have to choose between one life or another.

That’s all we do is choose. Do we want loneliness or pain? Fighting or shooting? Chaos or war?

Will it ever just end?

Cillian moves beside me, his chin resting on my shoulder. I can feel his eyes on me as I refuse to open mine.

Not yet. I’m not ready yet.

“It’s okay, Love. Just come back to me when you’re ready.”

His hoarse voice saying just what I needed to hear has a sob ripping from my throat.

“It hurts,” I say, trying to find a way to make my reality disappear. I still can’t open my eyes. Instead, I curl into him. My abdomen screams with pain, but I ignore it as Cillian pulls me close.

“Do you need more pain medication?” His body twists as if to call out for a nurse, but I pull him back to me.

“No. I just need you. Both of you.”

His arm squeezes around my back, and that’s when I feel it. That sense of home, of rightness, of wholesome happiness I feel when Boris and Cillian surround me is incomplete.

“He’s not here.”

It’s not a question because I know the answer. I can’t feel him or smell that cigar and whisky scent that normally makes me dizzy with love and lust.

“I’ve got you, Sweetheart.”

The loss only seems to cut deeper. The empty vessel I felt now morphs into a chasm of loneliness. If Boris already left, then how long before Cillian walks away too? How long before everyone I care about gives up on me?

I can feel myself hyperventilating until a soft voice surprises me.

“Do you need me to get the nurse?”

When I open my eyes, they land on Kai. He’s standing by the bed, a worried expression on his face.

Yet, something about him being here anchors me. Getting lost in a world of what-ifs is like a bottomless pit. But seeing him here, alive and well, it makes me realize the choice that I made. I chose a life for him .

Without a word, I reach out and pull him into a hug. He’s so gentle as he hugs me back, and even though it hurts, it also heals a wound I didn’t know was bleeding.

“I’ll be okay,” I whisper before pulling back to look him in the eyes.

I don’t feel strong right now, so I won’t pretend. But seeing his face brings me hope because he made it out of a horrible situation. The least I can do is fight to do the same.

“You will be,” he says, one side of his mouth lifting. “If there is anything I know about you, it’s that you’ll fight. For everyone and for yourself.”

Cillian takes my hand in his and curls his fingers into mine.

“He’s right, Love. You’re the strongest fighter I know. We will get back up. Together.”

My lip trembles as I look at these two. Kai takes my other hand and nods to us. “Together.”

My throat hurts, and all I want to do is cry, to give into the black emptiness that screams my name. I want to tell Cillian and Kai to leave so that no one has to see me right now. I don’t feel like myself, and my first instinct is to push them away so that they don’t see me bleed out on the floor.

But then I think about how much Boris’ absence hurts, and I remind myself that Dr. K said the only way to get better is to be surrounded by people who believe I can until I believe it myself.

So even though I can’t see through the dark right now, I am trusting that there is light at the end of this tunnel.

Kai squeezes my hand, and a shuddering breath leaves me. He is some of that light. He is here and safe. Knowing that helps ease some of the ache. It doesn’t erase the void in my chest, but it helps me not get lost in it quite as easily.

“Together,” I whisper.

After a minute, Kai sits back down in the chair beside me, and I reach for the phone on the table.

“Who are you calling?” Cillian asks.

I don’t answer him, I just dial the number. I need to hear his voice. I need to know he didn’t run far, that maybe he just needed a little space. When the dial tone greets me, I feel my throat tighten.

He blames me. And now he isn’t coming back.

My breathing escalates as I think of Boris leaving my life for good. Then, a worse thought hits me.

What if everyone agrees with him? What if Evie doesn’t want anything to do with me, and Alexi keeps me from the only people I have ever learned to trust in this world because I hurt his father?

Oh gosh. Oh god. No. No no no no no.

“Nessa! Nessa, Look at me!”

Strong hands grip my face, and I only just realize that my eyes are closed. When they open, Cillian’s worried gaze meets mine.

“Don’t do that, Sweetheart. Don’t you disappear on me. He made his choice, but so did I. I am here…” he kisses me on the nose, “with you. Don’t leave me like that, okay?”

Placing a hand on his chest, I try to mimic his breaths as he holds my stare.

“That’s it, Love. There’s my girl.” He’s so relieved that I wrap my arms around him, thanking him in the only way I know how right now.

I might not know what the future holds or who will want me anymore, but I have Cillian, and from the look on Kai’s face, I have him too.

If it needs to be, then that will be enough for me.