Chapter 40

In order to take out most of Ronan’s contacts, we had to go back home to Russia. It is long overdue, as well as perfect timing. Nessa is not as stressed about leaving Aiden now that she has worked through some of her pain. She stares at the tattoo on her wrist, the ring of flames resting right under her bracelet.

She loves it. In the beginning I would see her always running a finger over her bracelet, but now she likes to trace the outline of the flame.

Kai begged us for a tattoo last week after Nessa asked Lev to add color to the flame, but we all said no. He is still too young, and though we break a lot of rules, that was one Nessa asked him to be patient for. He agreed to wait until he was sixteen. Nessa and I tried to counter with eighteen, but Cillian, the man covered in tattoos, decided to tell him sixteen was a good compromise.

I swear some days Nessa and I have two children, not just one.

When we arrive at the house, I ask Kai to follow me. Nessa and Cillian know what I have created for him, but I asked to be the one to show him. Some days, I fear that the only version of me Kai sees is the one that failed Nessa in that hospital. I know this is my own insecurity talking, but doing things for him helps ease that ache inside me and ultimately makes me feel closer to him.

“I had a room designed for you since we will likely be spending one week here every month. I wanted you to feel at home.”

Opening the door, Kai steps into the space I had crafted for him. I have learned in our time together that he enjoys the walks with Cillian in the morning because time for himself and fresh air was never something he got to appreciate as a kid.

Thus, the dark green walls. I ordered a custom-made headboard, covered in a black velvet because I noticed he always likes to sit on the velvet couch in Nessa’s room. There is a desk in the corner and the head of the bed rests against an accent wall that is made out of textured wood, really bringing the outdoors into the space.

A large television sits across from the bed and a small sketch pad with all different kinds of drawing materials is on the desk. I have caught him trying to draw a few things ever since Cillian told him how it helps him cope with things he can’t control. He has talked with Lev in great detail about tattooing, and I think he has an interest in that as well.

The bathroom is set up with a jacuzzi tub and a full shower with jets on the walls to help prevent him from getting cold. He confessed to me that he often would shower last in the house and rarely got warm water, and I did not want him to ever have that experience again.

“Pops,” Kai breathes in awe as he spins, looking at his space. “This is incredible.”

I smile, satisfied by his words. All I could ever hope for is to be someone he deserves, and it is moments like these that I feel like I have achieved that.

“You know you don’t have to buy my affection, right?” Kai jokes. “I liked you before I knew you were filthy rich.”

I laugh. “That is amusing. Nessa says the same thing.”

I take a seat at his desk while he puts his bag on the bed and begins unpacking and putting things away in his drawers. There is a closet inside the bathroom, but we will fill that with clothing once I figure out the brands and styles he prefers.

“Seriously, though. This feels like a lot. I don’t know if I will ever get used to this.”

After he puts away the last of his clothes from his bag, he takes his toiletries to the bathroom. I allow him the privacy to take it all in, but when he comes back into the room, he looks at me with frustration.

“What?” I ask, wondering what I could have done wrong.

“I feel like you’re trying to buy me. I don’t deserve any of this.”

Getting to my feet, I walk over to him as I shake my head.

“Kai, I do not need to buy you because you’re already mine. You are my son, Misha . And I am not sure if you have noticed, but I enjoy taking care of the people I love.”

His bottom lip trembles as he looks up at me. “You love me?”

“More than I ever knew I could love someone who is not biologically mine. And though we may not share the same blood, you are one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. You chose me; this is me proving to you that I chose you too.”

His eyes dart around the room before landing back on mine. I did not know that this would feel like so much to him, but I want him to know this is not a payment for his love. It’s the way I show my love.

“You are so much more than you allow yourself to believe. I want to help you foster the things that make you happy, and I have tried to help create a space that makes you feel safe to explore that, just as any father should.”

Kai wraps his arms around me, squeezing me tight.

“Thank you,” he breathes as I return his embrace. We stand there for a moment in silence before I hear the faintest words that almost stop my heart.

“I love you too, Pops.”

When we finally break the hug, Kai looks around the room again. “I feel like you know so much about me and I know so little about you.”

Sitting back down in his desk chair, I gesture for him to sit on his bed so that we can face each other. “What do you want to know? Ask me anything.”

He taps on his chin before rapid firing questions.

“Favorite ice cream flavor?”

“Pistachio.”

“Favorite color?”

I chuckle. “Red.”

“Favorite movie?”

“It is a tie between Shawshank Redemption and The Sixth Sense.”

“Never heard of them.”

“We will watch them then.”

“Okay, favorite food?”

“If we are eating out, I enjoy Indian food. Cooking at home would be lamb stew with soda bread.”

“Favorite car?”

“I own all of the cars I like; you are welcome to go see them all in the garage, but there is a range. Some are priceless sports cars and others are simple jeep wranglers Nessa loves to go mudding in.”

“Damn, you’re fancy.”

I shrug. “I like what I like and do not apologize for it. Now, tell me your favorites as well.”

“Hmm, okay. I love pistachio ice cream but hate mint chocolate chip or anything with peanut butter. I don’t know why, but I can’t stand the smell of the stuff and it’s way too sweet. My favorite color is green. Favorite movie is probably Mulan, but I haven’t seen many movies. My favorite food is a tie between the cookies Batman made the other night and your soda bread.”

“Batman? Do you mean your brother? Alexi?”

Kai laughs. “Yeah, he’s basically Batman. Rich, obsessed with the color black, drives a batmobile, and does all the badass stuff Bruce Wayne does.”

I shake my head knowing that is Evie’s nickname for him when he is being sassy or when she needs his attention. I bet he loves that Kai calls him that too.

“Okay, I have another question for you,” I say, knowing I need to get started on dinner soon.

“I’m an open book.”

“What can we do to make you feel safe here?”

I need him to know it isn’t just about the fancy things. His room should be his safe space, and I want to make sure he feels that way too.

“I overheard Evie say something, and I would actually really like to talk to you about it.”

Leaning forward, I make sure he knows he has my undivided attention. “I am listening.”

“She said they all have trackers that can monitor their heart rate and ensure they find each other if anything happens.”

I nod. “They do. A few years ago Evie was kidnapped, and they felt a tracker would be best.”

Kai swallows before looking me in the eyes. “I want one.”

Startled by his admission, I sit back against the desk. “Why?”

“I just have this feeling,” he presses his hand to his chest, “and I think we need them. Besides, if I ever decided to hang back, I could still monitor you all and know you’re safe, and you would be able to do the same. It takes away some of the guessing or worrying if we ever have to be apart.”

He makes a good point. I have to admit I have thought about it a few times, but actually following through made me feel like I was grasping for too much control.

“I understand, and we can talk with Nessa and Cillian to see how they feel. How does that sound?”

He shrugs, glancing down at the bed and playing with the edge of the soft sheet. “I want to know what you think first.”

“I honestly love the idea. It would give us all some reassurance. But as you know, we all come with our own set of baggage and trauma, so I would like to discuss it with Nessa and Cillian to ensure they are comfortable as well.”

Kai seems to sigh in relief now that he knows I am on his side.

“Thank you for telling me,” I say.

His stomach growls as he stands. “Thanks for listening, Pops.”

“I’ll always listen,” I promise.

“And I know I can always come to you.”

I may have been a shitty father the first time around, but I have a feeling that this time, I just might get it right.