Chapter 3

I drive to the hospital, a solemn mood seeping through my bones. My job is to counsel. It’s to help all of them.

But how can I help them when I’m hurting too?

Nessa’s become like a daughter to me. She was finally clawing herself out of the mold her father forced her into and truly beginning to find herself along with her own happiness.

It’s in these moments where I really fucking hate the world I work in. To live in ignorance of the underworld is something I wish I could do, but I’ve come to realize that it is not my fate, and I am a better person because of it.

It is because of this world that I’m able to truly make a difference. Without counsel and direction, emotions like the ache for revenge and baying for blood turn good people into monsters. I get to help prevent that from happening.

I’ve grown to love these people and this family they’ve created. They may not always do the right thing, but they’re always looking out for each other. I’ve explored so many avenues of therapy from being a child psychologist who worked in foster care, helping adults with bipolar depression, and even guiding adults to use kink and BDSM to cope with trauma. They’ve all given me a sense of identity, but this family has given me a real purpose.

Pulling into the hospital car park, I build up my mental shields, fortifying them to be as strong as steel. Everyone is going to be looking to me for the support they need, so I need to be the reliable doctor they’ve come to know.

As soon as I walk into the waiting area, I’m greeted by faces I know well, all wearing grim expressions with red puffy eyes.

“Any news?” I ask.

“She attempted to wake from the anesthesia, and she had a seizure before they could put her back under,” Boris says, not looking away from the door I assume leads to Nessa.

“Doc doesn’t know where she’s bleeding from, but he is infusing blood as quickly as he can until he finds it.”

This comes from Cillian. I don’t know him from Adam to be honest, so I make a mental note to rectify that once Nessa is in the clear.

Laney sits next to Arrow, while Evie and Alexi sit on either side of a young boy I’ve not laid eyes on before.

“Alexi,” I nod in greeting as I approach. “How are you?”

He shakes his head in dismissal, and I can see the misery pouring from his eyes. Not only is Nessa back there, but his possible half-brother or sister is hanging by a thread too. When his gaze lands on the boy next to him, he clears his throat.

“We are managing,” he says, some strength returning to his features, I assume for the sake of the child.

The young boy watches him carefully before glancing at me, his pain almost mirroring Alexi’s. His black hair slides over his face in a way that seems to mirror Cillian’s, but his has a slight curl to it. He looks dirty, with dried blood and grime making his tanned skin look even darker.

“Who are you?” he asks, his eyes narrowing with unease.

“I’m Dr. K.” I lower myself in the seat across from them. “Who might you be?”

“Are you here to help Nessa?” he asks with a glimmer of hope shining in his eyes.

“No, unfortunately. I’m a psychiatrist, not a surgeon or general practitioner like Doc.”

The boy visibly deflates. Nessa’s red gun is tucked into the front of his pants, and I instantly want to take it from him. I won’t though, I have no idea who he is or what is happening.

“Do you need anything? Maybe a cup of sugary tea?” I doubt any of them have bothered to eat, much less think to get any drinks.

He shakes his head, then pauses.

“I just need her to be okay.”

I nod in understanding. That’s what we all need.

“You have her gun, I see.”

His hand instantly goes to the weapon as if he could shield it from me.

“She gave it to me, and she’s the only one I’ll give it back to.”

His sharp and firm voice is such a contrast to his small frame. Cillian walks over, and Evie stands to give him the seat next to Kai. He looks like shit, his hair standing up in all different directions, red eyes framed by dark circles.

“You can keep it until she wakes up,” Cillian says. “She’ll want you to be there.”

The kid sits straighter, a small smile tilting his lips. It seems that he is attached to this family already, and they have welcomed him into their circle. He doesn’t act like a child, he acts like one of them. A fighter.

Evie locks eyes with me. “Let’s get everyone some coffee,” she suggests.

Or tea. Tea will help me reset. A cuppa is the cure for everything, as us Brits like to say.

Once we are out in the corridor, she helps answer some of my questions. “That is Kai. Nessa saved him from being executed, and he feels close to her. He was right next to her when she was shot. He tried to jump in front of her, but Nessa pushed him out of the way.”

“So, he blames himself,” I assume, and Evie nods. “But Cillian and Boris don’t blame him?”

“They don’t appear to. Cillian pulled him in for a bro hug thing when we showed up with him, and Boris made a very Boris-like gesture of approval. It’s weird, it was almost like he was their kid or something.”

So they have trauma bonded . These types of bonds can create unhealthy codependency for kids, in addition to added pressure on the adults in their lives. They can also end up triggering each other by accident, so I will need to work closely with them to help make sure their attachment to each other develops in a secure and healthy way.

“Have you tried to get him to go back to the house?” I ask.

I’m curious what his response was. She snorts before taking a sip of her coffee.

“Yes, and it was a disaster. Kai is nearly as well trained as any of us. He may not have the experience, but he has the skill.”

Evie looks off thoughtfully into the distance before her gaze meets mine.

“I think he deserves to be here though. He helped us save those kids. He needs people he can rely on after what he witnessed, and who better than the ones who know what he saw?”

While I agree that he deserves to know the outcome, I disagree that it’s his place to be here. He should be back at the house with the other children, learning to be a kid again. Not the soldier I just witnessed.

Evie and I make coffees for the others as she walks me through everything that happened. I sip my tea before heading back to the room, letting it aid in calming my nerves.

It’s another few hours before we hear anything, but by the time the sun is rising, Doc walks through the doors of the waiting room.

I can tell he’s exhausted. The bags under his eyes could carry everything but the kitchen sink, sorrow filling his features. He’s a special sort of handsome, but even that seems to be dulled by the words he’s about to speak.

My heart stutters in my chest as he looks at Boris and Cillian, who are now both sitting beside Kai with Alexi.

“I was able to stop the bleeding and she should wake up fairly soon. But…” He looks around the room, his face falling even more. I already know what he’s going to say, and I wish with everything in me that it wasn’t the truth. “I could not save the baby.”

A weighted eerie silence fills the room as all of us process his words. It’s Alexi who stands first, then he promptly leaves, slamming the door behind him. Evie follows, nodding at me to stay. Laney buries her face in Arrow’s chest, and he holds her close. Kai looks torn between rage and sorrow.

But nothing compares to the way Boris and Cillian break right before my eyes. In all the time I’ve worked for this organization, never once have I known Boris to cry. As his lip wobbles and tears begin to fall in rapid succession, I know that I have never seen true pain before this moment.

Cillian grabs at his hair, beginning to hyperventilate. Before any of us need to instruct him, he puts his head between his legs and lets out a scream I know will haunt me for the rest of my life.

The sound is potent with grief and chilling to the bone, seemingly endless as it reverberates around the room. His whole body shakes with the force of it. Doc tries to step forward, but I hold out a hand to stop him.

Grief like this can put others in a fragile state of mind, and I don’t know Cillian well enough to know what he needs or what will set him off. I’m pissed off at myself that I’m in a situation where someone so close to Nessa is basically unknown to me.

Boris covers his face as Doc moves to him and squeezes his shoulder, tears in his eyes as well.

“I am so sorry, my friend.” Doc’s voice cracks, and he turns away from us all.

Cillian’s hands ball up, his body vibrating with the onslaught of emotions. Boris reaches out and covers one before leaning over Cillian. It’s the most emotional I have ever seen him, and I find that I have no idea how to help either of them.

It’s not until I look down that I realize I’m crying too, the steady stream of droplets darkening my clothes. I know for a fact that there are very few things in this world that will bring these people to their knees, but I didn’t expect a life that was so small to leave such a large hole.

Boris is the first to pull himself together, sitting up and uncharacteristically wiping his face with his sleeve.

“Can we see her?”

Doc nods as Cillian sits up. “You can see them both.”

Cillian’s lip trembles as he fights to suck in air at a normal pace.

“W-we can see the baby?”

“Yes, for a short time. My nurse will take you to them.”

Cillian stands quickly, nearly running behind the woman that Doc gestured to, but Boris meets my eyes.

“I cannot do this,” he whispers.

“All she needs is for you to stay.” I encourage him, even though grief ripples through my own chest. “Just stay.”

I watch as he swallows and stands on shaky legs, Doc leading him to the entrance with a hand on his back in support. He pauses before the door, looking slightly back at me over his shoulder.

“I am not sure if I can this time.”

It’s so faint that I hardly hear it, but I pray he finds the strength to be there for Nessa. The loss of a child is always hard, but I don’t know if Nessa has the ability to survive this without him.

Kai is still sitting in his chair, emotion wiped clean from his face. It’s as if he has disappeared into himself.

“I think it’s time we get you back to the house with the others,” I suggest.

Quickly his emotionless face turns to one of pure hatred. “I am staying here.”

“Kai,” I try to plead, but he’s quick to get on his feet, gun in hand. I realize right then what Evie meant by things going badly.

“I am staying right here . Damien said I get a choice. He said we all get to choose. I choose to be here !”

I raise my hands right as Alexi and Evie walk in. Alexi swiftly disarms him, tucking the gun behind his back. Kai moves to attack Alexi, but Evie stops him with a firm hand on his shoulder. When they lock eyes, a sense of calm seems to come over him.

“You cannot have a weapon if you aim it at everyone that pisses you off,” Alexi reprimands.

“What’s the point of a weapon then?” Kai bites back in anger. “Damien said I get a choice. Why are you trying to take it away from me?”

Evie pulls Kai into a hug then, and after a second of resistance, he melts into it. Their arms wrap tightly around each other in comfort.

“Weapons are to protect and defend. Not to threaten our friends.”

He nods into her shoulder.

“Okay,” he says, defeat evident in his tone, his voice breaking. “J-just don’t make me leave. Please .”

Evie looks at me, and I give my blessing. If it means this much to him, I will not be the one to take away his choice.

“Kai,” I say gently. Slowly, he turns to face me, brushing his sleeve over his face. He is dirty, they all are.

“If this is where you feel safe, then I want you to be here. There are bathrooms here you can wash up in. It’s going to be at least an hour before Nessa has a room. Why don’t you get cleaned up while we get you some clean clothes?”

He hangs his head as he takes a breath. “Yeah, okay.”

Evie takes his arm and turns him to face her. “I will take you to her room when she has one.”

Kai looks at Alexi. “Can I have the gun back, please? I just want to be the one to give it back to her.”

Reluctantly, Alexi hands it back to him, a firm but understanding look on his face. I hate the idea of a teenager having a gun, but I also understand that he hasn’t felt safe in a while, and Nessa trusted him with something I know she holds dear.

“The safety stays on unless someone is attacking you physically . Understood?”

Kai agrees, carefully tucking it into the back of his pants before hiding it with his shirt.

“Whatever you say, Batman.”

Alexi’s eyes narrow as Evie and I exchange an amused look. I have to roll my lips together to stop the cackle that is building because now is absolutely not the time.

“You can call me Alexi.”

Kai looks him up and down before shrugging. “Nah, I think Batman suits you better. You’ve got the whole look going for you.”

With that, he turns on his heel to head towards the door. I follow, listening to the sound of Evie’s giggles behind me. I have a feeling that Kai is someone who’s going to be around for a while.