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Chapter 29

The week away was exactly what we needed—the time in the sun, the insane amount of sex, the cocktails on the beach. More sex, fancy dinners, and seeing some historical sites. Did I mention the sex?

I hadn’t realized just how much having kids around all the time would lessen the opportunities until we arrived back at the house. It was late when I started making myself a cup of tea. Cillian scooped me up onto the counter before kissing me senseless, and guess who walked in?

Kai.

The poor teen is probably traumatized. We weren’t doing anything crazy, just kissing, but it still felt wrong. Kai laughed and said he was glad we were back safe before disappearing back to his room, but the realization we were no longer alone really stuck for us.

Not that it stopped us from having sex once we were safely behind our closed bedroom door.

When my eyes open, and I find that neither of my men are by my side, I sit up with a start.

Holy shite, I am sore.

The room is empty, but there’s a note on the side table. From the fancy looping letters, I can tell this is Boris’ doing.

I went to make breakfast, and Cillian went on a walk with Kai. If you wake before I return, meet me in the kitchen.

Smiling, I flip the covers back and go to the closet to get dressed. My cheeks hurt from just how much Boris and Cillian have made me laugh this past week…amongst other things. I still miss Aiden. I think about her nearly every hour of the day, but the sharp pain that used to come with the memory of her is dulled slightly by the dream I had of Enya.

That, accompanied by two things, continue to push me forward: Boris’ promise that we’ll see her again one day, and Kai’s suggestion that her sacrifice meant saving so many others.

Before leaving the closet, I take out the picture from under a small box on my dresser. It’s the one of me holding my baby girl. While most people would focus on the sheer number of tubes and bruising scattered on my body, all I see is our girl.

Boris had it printed for me, so that I can hold it in my hands. He also printed a few others; one with the two of them holding her tiny hands, and another with Cillian kissing her small head.

I never would have thought that a picture could have helped me heal so much, but it does. When I miss her, I can still see proof that she was real. Even if it wasn’t for the photos, I still see her in the flames tattooed on each of our families’ hands, or the one wrapped around my wrist that Cillian drew for me. My favorite though, the one that makes me feel the most connected to her is at night when I look out at her memorial.

With a deep cleansing breath, I place them back in their spot and head to the kitchen. The smell of pancakes greets me outside the door, and I internally laugh as I hear Boris telling some of the younger kids to stay back from the stove.

When I get inside, Ami and Ani are standing by the counter staring at the syrup like they have a plan.

“Oh no you don’t,” Adrian says, scooping the syrup off the counter as their faces fall.

“We will help you,” Akio says, pulling back two chairs and setting their plates in front of them.

“No help,” Ami pouts.

“I do,” Ani says, batting her lashes at Adrian.

Boris watches them with a smile, and I decide this needs an Aunt Ness intervention.

“Can Auntie Ness help?” I ask, making the girls turn in their chairs in surprise. With smiles on their faces, they hop down and run over to me.

“Ness, Ness,” they shout as I scoop them into a hug. They’re still so small, but I love that I can hold them together, even if it’s just for a second. Sometimes a second is all we have.

“Do not overload them with sugar; they have enough energy as it is,” Akio chides with a smile on his face.

I may or may not end up putting a little extra on their plates, but that’s basically my job. When Akio and Adrian officially adopted them, Laney, Evie, and I said we wanted to be their aunts.

Laney has a spa day with them almost weekly, and Evie’s teaching them to play soccer. While the girls often travel back and forth from Russia to the house here in Norway with Akio and Adrian, it makes me wish we could all be together in one spot.

“What are you guys doing here?” I ask once the twins begin to dig into their pancakes.

“Evie said she missed the girls, and Laney wasn’t going to be able to fly out to spend a day with them this week, so we decided to come back here,” Akio says.

“That, and these two are exhausting, It helps to have the other kids around to entertain them and get their energy out,” Adrian adds.

“I don’t doubt it,” I say. watching the girls before making my way over to Boris, who’s still cooking for everyone. Some of the kids come in and sit at the table, others bring their food to their room.

A few of them have developed a food hoarding habit, caused by food insecurity they experienced at the camp. Food was used as a weapon against them, so we try to treat it as something much more neutral now.

When we asked how we could help, some said they would like to take their plates to their room because they feel like they can eat without the threat of it being taken away. Dr. K’s working with them, but for now we’re allowing what they need to heal.

Our only rule is that you have to clean up after yourself, and that hasn’t been a problem so far. Sure, they’re kids and need reminders, but we have always spoken to them about it gently, and they respond well.

Overall, you’d think a group of this many kids would be chaotic, and while it can be at times, they’ve created a sort of harmony together that is actually pretty peaceful. They do their school work online, get plenty of exercise, and play out in the snow until we have to call them in for dinner and bedtime.

It’s normal, the way they all should have had the freedom to grow up, and I finally feel at peace in my heart knowing we’re bringing that to them.

“Good Morning,” I greet Boris cheerily, kissing him on the cheek.

He quickly grabs my face, pulling my lips to his in a bruising kiss.

When he pulls back, a dazed grin spreads across my face.

“I am sorry I was not there when you awoke.”

Tucking myself under his arm as he goes back to pouring more batter on the large open stove, I hum when his scent envelops me.

Whisky. Tobacco. Home.

“Well look who finally woke up,” Cillian says, pushing through the door. I have half a mind to let him know I slept in because he decided to go another round with me in the middle of the night, but I realize there are too many little ears around.

He laughs when he sees my expression, knowing exactly what I was thinking. We all settle into breakfast, and Kai comes over to give me a hug.

“I’m glad you’re back. You look happier.”

I smile down at him, pushing some of his hair back.

“I think I am happy.”

“Good, you deserve it.” Kai makes up a heaping plate, sitting between Cillian and Boris at the table as he fills them in on what happened while we were gone.

It isn’t much, but you can tell he is proud to feel like part of the group. When we finish, I stand and Kai does too.

“Hey, can I talk to you?” he asks.

“Sure,” I say, moving towards the door. He follows after me. There is an area with snow boots and jackets where we sit together as I grab mine.

“I know you were just out with Cillian, but is it cool if we walk through the garden while we talk? I want to go see Aiden.”

He quickly throws on his jacket and boots. “Of course.”

The frigid air is a sharp contrast to the summer sun of Spain, but it’s still beautiful here.

We walk for a little bit as Kai fidgets with his jacket, causing me to look at him in question. “So, what’s up?” I finally ask.

He blows out a long breath just before we get to the memorial. “I wanted to ask you something.” Looking around at anything but me, he chews on his bottom lip, his body vibrating with nervous energy.

“Kai, what is it?”

My anxiety begins to get the better of me, but it’s the tears in his eyes that have my heart racing.

“I want you to adopt me.”

Okay, now I’m going to cry.

“Kai,” I say, wrapping him in a hug. I don’t have any words. I’m a little shocked but also comforted by the idea.

“I don’t want to try to replace Aiden or anything, I just keep thinking this is going to be taken away from me, and I finally feel like I’m safe. Like I’m where I belong.”

Pulling back, I tilt his head up to look at me. His eyes remind me so much of Cillian that it nearly breaks me.

“Kai, I would love to adopt you.”

He lets out an unsteady sigh, his bottom lip trembling. “R-really?”

I nod, unable to form words as we embrace each other tightly. It lasts for a while, but I don’t want this moment to end. It wasn’t what I was expecting, but something about it feels cathartic.

When we break apart, I sit down on the bench next to Aiden’s memorial. “I’ll need to talk to Cillian and Boris, but I think you’ve belonged with us for a while now.”

He smiles and takes the seat next to me. “I think I knew the moment I met you.”

Worry niggles at my mind as this starts to become a reality. “Kai,” I say, watching the flame flicker back and forth. “Are you sure this is what you want? We aren’t good people, and the life we live is dangerous.”

He’s silent for a minute, staring ahead with me at the very example of the danger we face.

“You want to know something kinda funny?” he asks quietly. I turn to him with a nod.

“Sure.”

“For as long as I can remember, I haven’t felt safe. Not with a person, not in any place. I have never felt love or knew what it was like to be mentored by a parent. I never had someone I could go to for advice or talk about my feelings with. No one ever bought me candy or hugged me when I was sad or scared.”

His hand reaches for mine and I squeeze it.

“But with the people who say they aren’t good guys, that’s where I have found all of the good things a foster kid like me could only hope for. You and this family have given me a safe home, unconditional love, guidance in my decisions, and people I can go to when I need to talk it out. You’re who I seek when I feel scared or alone.”

It hits me then how much I worried about Aiden accepting us as she grew up, a family that is complicit in evil. I never thought I could have a child that would feel safe with me or in this world, yet Kai is erasing those doubts within me.

He isn’t replacing Aiden, but by him choosing to be a part of this family, he is showing me how much those doubts were hurting me and just how significant his presence is in this family.

He’s showing me just how unfounded my fears really were—that it’s what’s in my heart that truly matters.

As Aiden’s little light shines bright, my heart swells. It’s almost like she knows she has just gained a brother.

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