Chapter 14

I confided in Laney and Evie that I wanted to bury Aiden in our garden. There’s this beautiful area with wildflowers that feels right for her. When I was pregnant, I would stare out of the window in my room at it, admiring the way all of the colors floated around in the wind.

I’ll be able to see her from inside or outside anytime I wish, and there’s a small gazebo that will keep her headstone safe from the elements.

Evie asked to organize it, and I gave her my blessing, still too emotionally raw to deal with the planning. Doc let me come home with strict orders to stay in bed. He said he’ll be coming by once a day to check the wound and ensure my pain is well managed.

It’s not the physical pain I worry about though. Dr. K said she will talk with me after the burial, and I agreed that I needed the time to think and get settled.

But now, the sun is beginning to set, and it’s time to say goodbye to our girl. Seeing the picture of her in my arms hurt in ways I didn’t even know was possible, but it also gave me some relief. She felt my skin under hers, and my body had a chance to say goodbye. Now, so does my heart.

Cillian walks into the room with a wheelchair, Doc’s orders, and Boris helps me into it. We’re all quiet, the mood in the atmosphere somber and gray.

When he pushes me to the garden, fairy lights twinkle all around. They light the way to a small but beautiful headstone and surround a tiny spot in the ground where fresh dirt lays. A knot forms in my throat the closer we get.

With each second that passes, I’m tempted to tell Cillian to stop and turn around. But Boris holds my hand tightly, grounding me. I know I can do this so long as they are by my side.

Alexi, Evie, Lev, Damien, Laney, Havoc, and Arrow all stand to one side while Dr. K, Doc, Akio, and Adrian stand on the other. I expected Kai to be here, but maybe this is too much for him, which I fully understand.

Cillian wheels me so that I’m right in front of them all, looking at the headstone we chose together.

Here lies our little flame. May her embers burn forever in our hearts.

Tears fall down my cheeks as I read it over and over and over.

Aiden Kelly-Mikhaus.

I cover my mouth as a sob breaks free, and my family, all of them, instantly surround me. Hands are on my shoulders, my legs, stroking my hair and holding my free hand in theirs.

It’s overwhelming, yet comforting. They stay with me until my tears slow and my breathing evens out, which seems like it lasts a lifetime. Evie reaches out, handing me a candle.

“It felt fitting to say goodbye to her like this. She will never be forgotten.”

I take the candle, unable to say anything as I nod through blurred vision.

Alexi approaches with a lighter.

“We wanted to show you something,” he says as he holds out his hand. Just under his ring finger, there is a small tattoo. A black outline of a flame.

My lips tremble as I look up at him, a small smile forming on my face. He kneels in front of me, rare emotion brimming in his eyes.

“She will live with us forever.”

One by one, they all reveal the same tattoo on their hands. But Cillian and Boris pull up their sleeves.

“We got her hand and footprint on our wrists,” Cillian says. The markings are so small that you can hardly tell what they are. I reach out and trace it with my finger, imagining what it would be like to hold her little hand.

They showed me the pictures of how small she was compared to just their fingers, but having an actual reference makes me feel like I get to experience it too.

Cillian comes to my side and places a hand on Aiden’s headstone.

“You may never get to walk with us, but I will carry you. Wherever my feet take me, you will be there too.”

Boris kneels on the other side as emotions overwhelm me to the point of nausea.

“Your hands may never get to explore the world, so I will explore it for you. To suffer this pain for the rest of my days at the cost of loving you, for even a short while, will forever be my honor.”

Every fiber of me threatens to crumble as I watch men I have never known to kneel, men who do not bend or break, fall to pieces for our little girl. My hands tremble and my head slowly shakes back and forth, wanting a way out.

Dr. K’s voice whispers from just behind me. “It’s okay to feel, Nessa. It’s okay to hurt and to be afraid. We’re all here, and we’ll take as long as you need.”

“Deep breath, Sweetheart,” Cllian says, coming back to my side in an instant.

“We are with you, Lisichka .” Boris is there too, his forehead pressing to my shoulder as he breathes, and I match my breaths to theirs as my face overflows with moisture.

Having both of them at my side helps ease the panic. Everyone waits for me, and I take my time to collect my thoughts before the words can finally come out.

“Aiden,” I say as a sob breaks my words.

I cover it quickly and take another deep breath. “For a short time, my heart beat just for you. You gave me hope in a world that can easily feel hopeless, and you brought a light into my darkness.”

I pause for a moment as my chest begins to ache, but I push through for her and myself. “I may never get to hear your voice or hold you in my arms, but I will love you with a part of my heart that only a mother knows for all eternity.”

When I finish and look around, Alexi lights my candle. Then, he proceeds to light one for everybody as the sky darkens around us.

Laney steps forward with her candle in hand.

“It’s hard to find joy in the simple pieces of life for people like us. While it’s normal for those outside our world to create families and settle down, we only know a life that makes every minute of survival feel hard won.”

She lights something on top of Aiden’s headstone.

“This is an eternal flame that Aiden will hold for us until we get to see her again one day. No storm will be able to extinguish her, just as our memory of her will never fade.”

A soft gasp leaves me, not knowing this was part of her memorial. Laney and Evie look at me with soft smiles, and I know instantly that they did this. They found a way for me to see her even at night.

Out of the corner of my eye, little lights begin to flicker in the distance, making me turn. Kai comes into view, and just the sight of him makes my heart feel lighter. It’s not until he gets closer that I notice there are a lot of other kids with him.

“What are you doing here?” I croak, perplexed as to why they would all be out here in the cold holding candles for someone they don’t really know.

“I was talking with the others earlier,” Kai says, gesturing behind him. “We all agreed that we wanted to be here. None of us knew you were pregnant, but you came to save us anyway. It‘s because of your sacrifice, and Aiden’s, that we are all here today.”

One of the girls I don’t know the name of steps forward. “Neither of you owed us anything, but you gave us everything. We wanted a chance to say thank you and show you that just like you were there for us, we will be there for you too. Damien said we get to choose what we do next, and we choose to stay with you.”

Cillian and Boris are behind me now, their hands on my shoulders gently squeezing, helping to keep my heart from tearing out of my chest.

I never knew what it was really like to have a family, to be surrounded by people who loved you unconditionally for exactly who you were. But I have that now, and with these kids here, something inside of me feels a little less broken.

“Thank you,” I’m able to get out after a minute. “Thank you for being here.”

I hold onto Boris and Cillian’s hands, gripping them tightly as mine shake. Everything feels overwhelming, all eyes are on me as I try to process one of the most painful losses I have ever known. Even if I need to do this to be able to move forward, my body tries to tell me to run and hide and pretend that the pain doesn’t exist.

I stare at Kai, unable to form words, unable to say the thank you that I mean from the bottom of my heart. When he lifts his lips in a soft smile, I know he knows without me having to say anything, and relief floods me as a small piece of my heart feels a little less broken.

“Let’s get you inside,” Cillian says, clearly noticing my anxiety.

“Thank you all for everything you have done for our daughter,” Boris says as we walk away.

The moment we get through the doors, a rubber band snaps within me. Cillian’s arms wrap around me and Boris follows suit. We have no tears left to shed, but the way we hold onto each other conveys as much sorrow as a waterfall. Cillian buries his face into my neck.

“Where do you want to go, Love?”

I swallow thickly. “My room please.”

They both stand and push me towards the elevator. Yes, Boris installed an elevator. When we get to my room, the sparkle of the candles start to fade back towards the house, but one light stays firm, burning brightly for all of us to see.

We all sit next to the window, huddled together like our comfort could heal the gaping wounds in our chests. When my breathing begins to pick up and my chin wobbles, Cillian pinches it and turns my gaze to meet his dark eyes.

“Tell us what you’re thinking.”

I try to shake my head, but he holds me firmly. Pulling my chin away, I look down at my lap.

“I-I’m thinking I don’t know where to go or what to do. What am I supposed to feel now? It’s like I no longer know who I am, like a piece of me died with her.”

Cillian stiffens, but Boris takes my hand. He waits until I look up at him to speak, and when he does, the words wrap around my heart like a shield.

“You will go to our arms, and you will close your eyes because this is the only place you need to be. You will feel our hearts beating in sync with yours. We are with you in your pain, your loss, and your love.”

He picks up my hand and presses a soft kiss to it.

“Then, you will remember who you are. You are the woman born of crimson flames, and when you open your eyes, you are going to fight to burn down everyone who ever took something from you.”

My arms reach out and wrap around him to do exactly as he says. We all grow close, our chests coming together until I feel the beat of their hearts. The moment our breathing syncs, so does everything else.

I think of everything I fought for my entire life, every person I saved, and every mission I excelled at. Then, I think of everyone I have lost, from Enya to Aiden. The all consuming pain it caused and how each death altered the course of my life beyond my control.

That’s when I open my eyes. Boris is right. When Enya died, I rose from the ground covered in crimson with a promise to burn it all down. I am ready to fight now, and this time…they’re all going to see the wrath of the monster they forced me to be.

“Together?” I ask them both.

“Together,” they vow.

And just like that, we are ready to fight another war.