CHAPTER 20

The room is dark when I wake up. Blackout blinds and curtains are a wonderful thing. Dan’s still sound asleep, and I gently disentangle myself from him and go to the bathroom. The little stick with the two pinks lines glares at me, and my nerves surge. My hands shake, and I sit down, knowing if I don’t let this out now, things could go badly for me tonight. I need to be able to focus, and getting in my feelings about being pregnant is going to end badly for me and Squishy.

Stealthily, I swipe Dan’s phone from where it’s charging on the bedside table and make my escape back to the bathroom, where I close the door and call the one person I need to talk to more than anyone else.

“Dan? Is something wrong with Mattie?”

“Hi, Mama, it’s me.”

“What’s wrong?” My mother knows me better than anyone, even better than Zeke does. Claire Hathaway may not be my biological mother, but she loves me the way a mother is supposed to love their child.

“I’m pregnant,” I blurt.

The line is quiet for a heartbeat. “So, what do you want to do? I’m here for whatever choice you make. If you’re happy, I’m happy. If we need to make an appointment, then I’ll be there for that too.”

“I’m not having an abortion.”

The small sigh that comes through the line is more than enough to tell me how relieved she is. The fact that she’d go with me if I made that choice, well, it’s why I love my mom. Despite her own convictions and morals, she puts me first.

“Okay, then. Are we happy, or are we not?”

“I don’t know. I…I’m not ready to be a mother.”

“Baby girl, no one is ready to be a parent. We can give you all the advice in the world before the baby comes, and you still won’t be ready. But you know what you will be?”

“What?”

“So in love with that tiny little baby you won’t be able to see straight. Everything becomes about them. When you hold your baby in your arms for the first time, there’s this rush of love that swallows you up and staggers you.”

She sounds like she knows this firsthand.

“Mama?”

“Yes?”

“Did you ever have a child?” Do I have another sibling out there?

“I did. I was fifteen, and I got pregnant, much to my parents’ disgrace.”

“Did they make you give up the baby?”

“No. We’re Sterlings, Cupcake. We don’t turn our backs on family.”

“Tell that to Anne.”

“Yes, well, my sister is…she’s not mentally well.”

I would disagree. She’s just plain old evil.

“I found out she told our parents I died when I disappeared with you. They looked for me for years, and she just kept saying I was dead with no proof. I’ve been thinking about calling them.”

“How did you find that out?”

“A Hunter told me. He learned I was running the Foundation and called to let me know my parents think I’m dead.”

“What will they say about me?”

She laughs. “They’ll love you. Anne has a warped and twisted view of magic and the supernatural world. Your grandparents don’t and will welcome you with open arms. They might be wary about your father, but that won’t color the way they feel about you. You’re mine, and that’s all that will matter to them. You’re a Sterling as much as you are a Crane.”

“Dan has never met them. Anne kept him and his brother away from her side of the family.”

“What? They were never allowed to know their grandchildren? And doesn’t Cameron have two kids himself?” She’s getting madder and madder the more she speaks.

“We’ve been thinking of calling them too. He wants to know his mother’s family.”

“Hmm, well, if you and Dan ever decide to come home, maybe we’ll sit down and call them together.”

I’m not sure how much longer we’ll be in Chicago, so I don’t want to say anything. If I give her a date and we’re here past that, it would upset her.

“Back to your baby. What happened?”

“Carter was born on May third, and he lived for forty-seven minutes. I held him while he passed. We knew he wouldn’t live long, and the doctors agreed allowing him to come to term would only make his pain worse. So I went through a C-section at six months to make it less painful for him, and he died surrounded by my family—all the people who loved him.”

“I’m so sorry, Mama.”

“It’s okay, Cupcake. I have you.” She grows quiet and a little somber. “I’m starting to realize the pain I put your father and your grandparents through. While I may never fully trust the Cranes, I’d be blind not to see how much they love you. That kind of love can’t be faked. It makes me feel so guilty about taking you.”

“You didn’t know. You thought you were protecting me. Zeke knows that, and I think deep down, while it hurt him, he also understands I’d be dead if you hadn’t taken me. All the experiences I went through in foster care are what made me strong enough to handle all the burdens I carry. So, I think the two of you can at least learn to be civil and respectful of each other.”

“Maybe.” She sighs. “Now, then, I’m assuming you’re freaking out about being pregnant?”

“So much. I’m hiding in the bathroom and my hands are shaking so badly I can barely hold the phone.”

“It’s normal to be a little scared.”

“Mama, I’m not normal. Do you understand the bloodlines this baby is going to be born with? What people will do to get their hands on Squishy? She’s not even here, and I’m all but hyperventilating thinking about what could happen.”

“Her?”

Groaning, I lean my head against the tub from where I’m sitting on the floor. “I was fussing at Dan for saying ‘he’ earlier. I told him he’d give Squishy a complex if she was a girl and he kept calling her a he.”

“And you won’t do the same if it’s a boy?”

“I think it’s a girl.”

She snorts. “I said the same thing until I found out he was a boy. All men want a son, and all women want a daughter. It’s natural.”

“What if I can’t do this? I’m selfish, Mama. What if I can’t be a good mother? What if my kid hates me?”

“Take a deep breath, Mathilda Louise. Breathe in and out. You need to calm down. Getting upset and stressing out isn’t good for you or Squishy. Try to stay calm.”

“I have to go kill a creature that’s murdering vampires tonight, and all I can think about is the baby. What if I can’t protect her and take care of the creature too? The vampires will kill me if I don’t find a way to stop this thing.”

“That…when did you get caught up in vampires?”

“The Master of the City paid a visit to us and basically asked me to kill this thing killing her kin. Then the Council of Elders showed up and had a forced conversation with me…”

“The Council is there?” she asks softly.

“Yes. They’re all expecting me to go out hunting tonight and I’m sitting here all but hyperventilating at the thought of putting Squishy in that kind of danger. I only just found out about her and it’s all I can think about.”

“And that tells me you’re going to be a good mother, sweetheart. Our first thought is always our children. You’re going to make mistakes, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be a bad mother. Being a little selfish is a good thing. It means you’ll always do what you need to do to keep you and your family safe.”

I take several deep breaths and try to calm down.

“The one thing I know about my daughter is that you’re a survivor. You will do this, and you will keep your child safe while you do it because you have to. The Council of Elders is not to be trifled with. You are powerful, Emma Crane, but not even you can take on the full Council.”

It’s not often Mama ever uses my legal, given name. This is serious.

“I’m scared, Mama.”

“I know, baby girl. But you get through tonight, and then you get on the first plane back to New Orleans. I’ll have your favorite dinner waiting, and you can meet the girls staying here. They lost their father, and so far, we haven’t been able to find a home for them.”

“Those poor things.”

“Tell me about the creature.”

I spend the next ten minutes giving her every detail about the vision I had and describe the creature and all the emotions I felt rolling around through the air. I tell her about the theory it might be the Army’s creation. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but she agrees that makes more sense than just a mutated monster. She even points out it might be a creation of one of the magical families as well.

“I didn’t even think about that.”

“That’s because you didn’t grow up in our world. There’s so much you don’t know about. I should have taught you, but I wanted you to have a normal childhood.”

Until she got addicted to drugs. Then it all went to crap. I don’t say that, though. She has enough guilt to deal with.

“We will do our best to make sure this baby not only grows up with the knowledge of this world, but they will be as protected as is possible. He or she will have as happy and as normal of a childhood as we can give them.”

“You won’t leave me alone?”

“No, Cupcake, I’m never going away again.”

“You promise?”

“Cross my heart and hope to die.”

“No, don’t say that. No more talk of you dying ever again.”

“Then I swear it, Mathilda Louise. I’m not going away again. Not if I have a say in it.”

She can’t promise not to die. I know that. We all die eventually, but I hope she doesn’t do anything to get herself into a situation where death is possible. Like taking drugs again. I worry about that more than anything else. I just don’t let her see that worry.

“Let me go call some of my contacts, and if I find anything useful, I’ll call you back. How long until your hunting party goes out?”

“Probably not for a few hours. It seems to attack during the night.”

“Okay, I’ll call if I find any information for you. Mama loves you.”

“I love you too.”

“Don’t worry about the baby. Just focus on what’s in front of you. Everything else will work itself out.”

Easier said than done, but it’s still the best advice there is.

I need to get this done so I can go home.

And I will.