Chapter 27

TWENTY-SEVEN

“I’m not okay.”

As Beau sighs on the other end, my soft cry carries over the phone. I didn’t know who to call, my sisters felt too far away, and Mom was still at the event. I’ve never felt more alone in such a big city with millions of people.

“Where are you, Alexa?”

I glance around my room as nostalgia consumes me. I’m lying in the same single bed from when I was a kid. My sisters all had their king-sized beds, but I always felt alone in such a large bed, so I would end up sleeping between my parents. When I was about eight, Mom suggested a smaller bed which got me out of their room. As an adult, I now understand why.

The bookshelves still house all my favorite reads, plus ornaments I’ve collected over the years. In each of our homes, a piece of my life sits on the shelves. I remember it all so fondly, when life wasn’t complicated, and the world genuinely felt like it was my oyster.

My arms wrap around the teddy bear my father won for me in Coney Island when I was five years old. It’s not the prettiest of bears, given it looks like a Care Bear knockoff. Yet, it still smells of strawberries even after all these years.

“I’m home,” I murmur.

“In LA?”

“No, here.”

“Okay,” Beau says softly. “Just sit tight.”

The last few days were exhausting. My life is spinning out of control, and I’m caught in the thick of it. Tears stream down my cheeks as I hold onto this bear as if my life depends on it. My phone pings, but I don’t want to talk or even read messages, especially if it’s Hunter. Reaching over, I turn the phone off, almost relieved no one else can find me.

My eyes begin to feel heavy from the constant crying. The sirens in the street are like white noise, helping my conscience to fall asleep.

But my dreams soon turn into my nightmare. I’m lying on the bed, fluorescent lights bolted to the ceiling, almost blinding me. I hear things, laughter, and machines, and then the nurse explains exactly what will happen next.

I will fall asleep, and my baby will be gone.

A dry rasp escapes my throat as I sit up, unable to breathe. Beside me, a hand touches my arm softly, forcing me to open my eyes properly.

“Alexa,” the voice whispers. “It’s going to be okay.”

My eyes sting with tears, and the hollowness inside my chest slowly begins to disappear. I reach out to touch my father’s hand, and just like the strawberry-scented bear, I don’t want to let go.

“I’m sorry, Dad,” I cry softly.

There’s a soft glow inside the room from my lamp. As my gaze shifts to meet his, I can see his glassy eyes staring back at me. I know he’s trying to be strong, but he’s struggling.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” he gently tells me. “If anyone should be sorry, it’s me. I should have listened to you, but I was scared of losing you.”

“I promise you’ll never lose me, Dad.” I touch his hand and place it on my cheek, just like I would always do as a child. “There was just so much going on. I was scared.”

My father gently caresses my cheek. “Alexa, deep breaths. We don’t need to discuss it now. There will be the right time when you’re ready.”

“I screwed up,” I whisper. “I hurt you.”

A small smile graces Dad’s lips, but it’s a proud smile. “I’m built strong. Not perfect, but strong. We all screw up. It’s called life. There are so many things I did wrong, but the only thing you can do is learn to move on. Life stops for no one. Things happen, and people change. We love, we hurt, but if we’re lucky enough, we have each other to get through those hard times.”

My chest hitches as I sob uncontrollably, prompting Dad to wrap his arms around me. Inside his embrace, I feel safe. No one can hurt me, not even myself. As I pull back, I notice my mascara run on his shirt.

“Your shirt …”

“I’m used to it,” he says, keeping his voice low. “Each one of your sisters has cried on me at one point or another. Your mother is probably the worst offender.”

I manage a small smile. “The ultimate girl dad.”

He stares into my eyes profoundly. “I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

My arms wrap around him again. It feels like we have years to catch up, and I hate myself for stealing this time away from us. Suddenly, my stomach grumbles. I haven’t eaten since lunchtime, given the food at the event rarely came my way before my encounter upstairs with Hunter.

A heavy sigh escapes me, wondering what he is doing right now.

“How about I head out and grab a pizza,” he suggests. “Your mother is probably starving too.”

“Mom is here?”

“Inside the living room, or maybe outside this door, waiting for the green light to come in and fuss all over you.”

My lips curve upward into a smile. “You can send her in.”

There are some things I want Dad to know, but some things remain best between us girls.

“Dad,” I call softly, fidgeting with the edge of my blanket. “I handed in my resignation tonight. But there is one thing I want to talk to you about. I just don’t know how to say it.”

He places his hand on mine. “You can tell me anything. Just remember, my silence means I’m processing.”

“Do you know Chester Jones?”

A smirk settles on his lips. “Alexa, you don’t need to say another word. I know him. I know everything. He’s not the first person to try and bring me down, and he won’t be the last.”

“Okay, I just didn’t feel right about the whole thing.”

“I may not know anything about being a teenage girl or becoming a woman. I don’t understand women’s fascination with suits or even gray sweatpants. What I know is business. I wouldn’t be where I am today if I wasn’t always one step ahead of everyone else.”

I quickly grab Dad’s arm. “Don’t ruin Hunter’s company, please?”

It’s obvious to see Dad is doing his best to control his opinions on the subject, given I’d called Hunter by his name and not formally as Mr. Cash. My father is smart enough to figure it out.

“Sweetheart, don’t worry about my business.” He stands tall to leave the room but stops at the door. “I want you to start living your life the way you want.”

Moments later, Mom enters. Unlike Dad, who is fairly controlled, she rushes by my side. Her hug is like a warm blanket on a cold winter’s day. Filling me with comfort and protection, a safe place to express my thoughts.

“I fell in love with him, Mom. It was different to Cole, you know? It was just so. I don’t have the words to explain it.”

Mom draws in a breath, then releases slowly. “Consuming.”

“Yes, it did consume me. I know I shouldn’t compare, but my relationship with Cole felt shallow. It’s why …” I trail off, trying to find the strength to tell her the truth. It has to be now. I need help to get through this because doing it alone has been the hardest part of this so-called journey. “Mom, I fell pregnant in senior year.”

“Alexa,” Mom chokes. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was scared, terrified actually. I didn’t even tell Cole. He was so excited to go to college, and all I could think about was how this baby with ruin everyone’s lives. Cole’s, our family, and I was scared to raise a baby on my own and so young.”

Mom tightens her grip on my hand. “You would never have been alone. Sure, your father would have been angry at first, but a child is a blessing.”

“I … I …” My mouth can’t even say the words out loud. “I chose not to keep it.”

Without a thought or moment of judgment, Mom hugs me fiercely.

“I knew something happened. I just didn’t know what.” Mom distances herself but holds my arms in her grip. “I want you to speak to someone, a professional. I know you don’t want to do that, but losing a baby, no matter what the circumstances are, can result in long-term trauma.”

I nod quietly. “I know, Mom. I was hoping to escape the nightmares, but they always find their way back. When we get back home, I’ll see anyone you recommend.”

We continue to chat openly, and Mom gives me space to talk about everything I’ve held back. Soon after, Dad returns with pizza.

As I sit with the two of them, we eat pizza and drink soda while learning how to reconnect without the tension I’ve grown accustomed to with my father.

“I don’t want to start an argument,” Dad begins as Mom purses her lips. “You know our home will always be home. Anytime you want, the keys are yours again.”

I breathe a sigh of relief, offering a smile. It’s exactly what I need to hear, but a part of me wanted to do something else.

At least, I need some time to think.

“Mom, Dad? Do you think we can stay here for another week? There’s something I want to do with the both of you.”

“Of course, honey. We can rearrange our schedules.”

“Good.”

Dad tilts his head with a smile. “Are you going to share what it is you’d like us to do together?”

I grin, shaking my head. “Patience, dear father of mine. I need to make sure it’s what I want first.”

Tonight was too much. I excused myself to bed and told them I needed a few days just to process things. They both offered their support, but I needed to take care of things first.

That included my heart.

I didn’t lie around, cry, or eat tubs of ice cream, but the pain and heartache never left me. Wherever I went, whatever I saw, memories found their way back, and the heaviness inside my chest became this constant fixture.

When I found the courage to turn my phone on, I was surprised to see nothing at all from Hunter. Not one missed call, not one single text. As for the rest of the messages, I ignored them for now because I needed to do one thing.

Apologize to April.

As I’m about to call her, I hold back. Why would I tell her over the phone if she didn’t know? Some things needed to be done in person, and I made a note for it to be the very first thing I do when I’m back in LA.

I knock on the door, tapping my feet impatiently. The door opens, and Beau is standing across from me with a knowing grin.

“You ready?”

With a smile, I nod. I found out Beau was the one who called my father that night. He knew exactly what I needed, and he was right.

I spend the day with Beau, gathering everything I need before meeting with my parents this afternoon. We decide on this cute little café in Chelsea, which is not overly busy if you go there after lunch. Both my parents are working from their Manhattan offices but were able to stay longer as per my request.

They both sit across from me as I slide over a folder.

“What’s this?” Mom asks.

I draw in a breath, then release with a smile. “I’ve decided to go to college. Inside this folder is a list of the campuses I’ve narrowed it down to. I’ve done my pro and con lists for each one. I know there’s no guarantee I’ll be accepted, but I would love it if both of you would tour them with me. There are dates listed inside, so I hope they will fit in with your schedule.”

My parents continue to sit in silence, neither one of them opening the folder.

“Aren’t you going to open the folder?”

Dad slides it back to me. “If this is your decision, we support you wherever you want to go.”

I’m taken aback, half expecting him to give me statistics on the four I’ve narrowed it down to. That’s even if I get in, still another hurdle to jump over.

“But the dates?”

“We’ll be there no matter what.”

That day changed everything. I found myself excited to visit each campus, and eager to learn about the history and culture. I still have no idea what I want to major in, but like a good friend once told me, it’ll all just fall into place.

When I get my first official email to attend an interview with the Dean of admissions, I jump in joy. Excited about this new adventure.

With my phone in hand, I go to call my parents but notice a red notification on my calendar. The last few days have been chaotic, meaning I haven’t had a chance to catch up on anything on my phone or even respond to anyone.

I click on the app, but then my mouth falls open as my limbs turn numb.

Period overdue…

To be continued…