Chapter Six

~ Miko ~

After going to the bathroom and washing my hands, I stared at myself in the mirror over the sink. My face was as pale as it usually was, but there was a surprising bright spot on each cheek.

I wasn't sure what they were from.

I knew I needed to go back to the other room, but I needed just a minute. My world had been in turmoil since my grandfather had become ill and it hadn't slowed down since, not even when he died.

Today was a good example.

I was married? Had this been arranged by my grandfather or my grandfather's brother? Maybe my father had decided I needed to be married.

Obviously, Jos had had to agree, but I doubted the marriage had been his idea. While he seemed somewhat in support of it, there was something off about his reaction. I didn't know him well enough to figure out what that was.

I jumped and pressed my hand to my chest when someone knocked on the bathroom door.

"Miko, are you okay in there?"

I swallowed tightly before answering. "I am fine."

I wasn't. I felt as if I was falling apart at the seams. Would I share that information? Not a chance in hell. I had learned to keep my secrets before I learned to walk. That wasn't going to change now that I was in a house full of strangers in an unknown land.

What had my grandfather been thinking?

I cautiously opened the door and peered up at the massive man filling the doorway. For the most part, Japanese men were not built like Jos, so his sheer size was a little intimidating. I felt an overwhelming urge to assess his potential for danger, and yet, I couldn't feel any threat coming from him.

That confused me more than anything.

"Would you like to go sit on the porch with me and watch the sun set?" Jos asked. "Or are you too tired."

Today had been pretty eventful, but I really wanted to watch the sun set. "Porch, please."

Jos smiled, gave me a simple nod, and then stepped back so I could walk out of the bathroom. He shut the door behind me and then led me toward the living room.

I was a bit confused when he grabbed a quilt off a rack near the fireplace until he draped it over my shoulders.

"Montana gets cold at night, even in the summer. This should keep you warm."

"Thank you."

I tugged the quilt edges closer around me before following Jos out onto the porch. I wasn't sure where to sit until he gestured to a porch swing I had somehow missed before. I took one side, Jos took the other and then got the swing to start gently swaying.

"Are you holding up okay?" Jos asked. "I know today must have been pretty intense for you."

My automatic answer was yes, but I didn't want to lie to Jos. If we were going to be married then he deserved an honest answer and not one given out of fear.

"I believe I am in...limbo?" Was that the correct way to say it?

"Limbo?"

"Not sure how I feel yet. Feel scared, but I am always scared. Feel uncertain, but I am always uncertain. Feel excited, too. Never felt excited before." At least not like this. "Feel confused mostly."

"About what?"

I waved my hand, gesturing to the scenery before us. "This is not in the books my grandfather provided for me. I do not know what to do or what to expect. I do not know how to behave."

That was the one that scared me the most.

Jos's arm wrapped around my shoulders and gave me a gentle hug. Might have been the first one I'd ever received. "You'll learn."

I hesitated for a moment before leaning into Jos's warmth. Not even the quilt wrapped around me felt as warm as this man.

"Just be yourself, Miko."

That sounded like great advice except I wasn't sure I knew who I was. I'd spent my entire life trying to be invisible and follow the rules so that I wouldn't be punished.

My life had been dictated to me. Where I lived, where I went to school, what I wore, how I spoke, and what I ate. Every second of every day was dictated to me. I hadn't had the time or the opportunity to learn about me.

I had no idea who I was.

"I have favor."

"Sure," Jos replied. "What is it?"

"I don't know who I am. Can you help me find out?"

Jos leaned back and tilted his head. "How can you not know who you are?"

"Not allowed." Not sure I had much more to explain than that.

I winced when Jos's jaw clenched and he turned to look out over the front yard again. "Apologies," I said quickly. "Please, forgive my—"

"You have nothing to apologize for, Miko."

I wasn't so sure about that.

"You are angry."

"Not at you." Jos's jaw unclenched just a little when he looked down at me. "Never at you. I'm just angry at how you were treated."

I admit that there was a small part of me that was angry, too, but I doubted it would do me any good to allow that anger to overcome me. There was nothing that could be done.

"We should probably get to bed," Jos said as he stood, holding his hand out to me. "Ranch life starts pretty early."

I gave a nod as I took his hand and stood.

Jos led me into the house and up the stairs to a room halfway down the hallway. When he opened the door, I peered inside. It was a large room, much larger than the one I'd had back in Japan. Pretty sure I could fit four of my old room in this one.

"I hope this room will be okay," Jos said. "You can change anything you like."

"It is very nice."

Way nice.

I noticed that my luggage had been placed on the bench at the bottom of the bed. The single box of belongings I had brought with me had been pushed under the bench.

"Do you want me to wake you up in the morning when I get up or do you want to sleep in?" Jos asked.

"What time does ranch life start?"

"Breakfast is at six."

I nodded absently. "The time difference here might be a bit to get used to, but I usually get up at five. Is that okay?"

Jos stared at me. "You get up at five o'clock in the morning?"

I smiled at his shock. "Grandfather always said it was best to greet the day when it arrives."

"I suppose I can understand that."

I nodded enthusiastically. Mornings were my favorite time of the day. Mostly because everyone else was asleep and I could enjoy just a few minutes of silence to myself.

"There's an empty dresser where you can put your clothes." Jos pointed to a door on the far side of the room. "The bathroom is through there. If you need anything during the night, I'll be in the guestroom right across the hallway."

My eyebrows snapped together as confusion swamped me. "You are not staying here?"

Jos swallowed tightly, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat as if he was uncomfortable with what he was saying. "Miko, under the circumstances, I think it's best if we live in separate rooms."

"Married couples live together, don't they?"

"Usually, but ours isn't a love match, Miko."

That hurt even if it was true.

"You didn't even know you were getting married until afterward," Jos continued. "I refuse to force you into a relationship not of your choosing. Hell, I don't even know if you are into men or not."

I wasn't sure that it mattered.

I had already accepted Jos as my husband, which meant I had to be gay since he was a man. Before now, my sexuality had never been a question simply because I always knew I would be used for whatever purpose my family chose.

I never got to decide for myself.

Guess things weren't that much different here after all. For a moment, I had forgotten that my life wasn't my own and I didn't get to make decisions for myself. I had let hope blossom in my heart for just a moment.

I was stupid.

"I understand," I said in a low respectful voice as I pressed my hands together and gave a proper bow. "Thank you for explaining it to me."

I didn't know what Jos's heavy sigh meant, but I took a cautious step back. If they had lied about me having choices, what else had they lied about? Would I be punished if I didn't follow the rules?

It would be great if I knew what the rules were.

My heart grew heavy with despair and I almost sank to the floor. Only my firm resolve kept me on my feet. I wouldn't allow anyone to see me fall. I hadn't when I was back in Japan and I wouldn't now.

"Please, excuse." In other words, get the hell out. If this was my room, I wanted everyone gone. I needed to lick my wounds in private just as I always had.

Jos frowned, but turned toward the door. He paused in the doorway and glanced back at me, looking like he had something to say, but then his jaw clenched and he walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

I clenched my hand into a fist and shoved it into my mouth as I slowly sank to the floor. My sobs were as silent as the tears that trickled down my face, which was not unusual for me. I'd been taught at a very early age to keep my sorrow to myself.

No one cared anyway.

I allowed myself just a few minutes to give into my grief and then made myself stand up and go to my suitcases. I unzipped them both and then began putting my stuff away in the empty dresser Jos had indicated.

I kept out my pajamas and carried them into the bathroom. After a quick shower, I dressed in my pajamas, neatly folded my dirty clothes and set them on the bench at the bottom of the bed, and then laid out what I was going to wear the next day.

Another one of my grandfather's lessons was to always be prepared to greet the day. It was one I had never forgotten. It was usually painful if I did.

I climbed onto the bed and snuggled down under the blankets. I wasn't used to such a large bed or one so soft. My bed back home had been a single bed in a small room off my grandfather's room. I had been born in that room and lived in it until I came here.

Here was weird.

After twisting and turning for quite awhile, I climbed out of bed, dragging the comforter and a pillow with me, and curled up on the floor next to the window. It was out of the way so I hoped that meant I wouldn't be stepped on if anyone came into the room.

I wrapped the comforter around me as tightly as I could and laid my head on the pillow. I was asleep minutes later.