Chapter Ten

CHAPTER TEN

Vince

T hat had felt good, really fucking good, but as they did their best to clean themselves off, all Vince could do was hope he hadn't fucked up.

He'd made the man who was supposed to be his straight friend come with a man for the first time, in the restroom of a gay bar—a man like Colby, who was much too wholesome to do things like that. And that was after he'd dirty-danced with Colby, letting his hands wander in ways that were anything but platonic.

Yes, he trusted Colby to know his own mind and what he wanted. Colby had clearly been into it. He had been the one to start it. But that didn't mean he wouldn't regret it. Vince knew from personal experience how easy it was to want something in the moment and later wonder what in the hell you'd been thinking. Only between them, it had the ability to fuck something up that was really great, something that meant more to Vince than he knew how to say. These past months with Colby had made Vince feel…damn, he wasn't sure how to put it into words…like he had a new lease on life. The slow pace of their days, the times they spent laughing and talking and working made Vince feel connected to his own life like he hadn't realized he'd been missing.

"We good?" Vince asked while Colby buttoned and zipped his pants.

"Yep." His gaze darted away, not holding Vince's stare. Not even looking at him at all.

They walked out of the stall just as a man walked out of the one beside them. "Someone had a good time." He winked, and Vince saw Colby's face flush.

They went to the sink, both washing and drying their hands without a word. Still none were spoken while they made their way back into the main part of the bar and then toward the door, knowing they were leaving without needing to say it.

"I'll order a car," Vince said when they got outside.

"Thanks, man." Colby leaned against the brick building, hands shoved into his pockets, eyes closed.

They needed to talk. Vince knew that. He was too old to play games, but he also knew that outside the bar wasn't the place to do that, so he gave Colby his quiet, just tapping him on the arm when the car arrived. Colby opened his eyes and gave Vince a shy smile.

That had to be a good sign, right?

It wasn't until they were settled in the back of the car that the bomb dropped in his gut. What if he got this all wrong? What if Colby didn't regret this, but instead of it being a simple orgasm between buddies, he wanted more? As in a relationship more? Colby had said that wasn't something he wanted, but what if he changed his mind? As much as Vince cared about Colby, he just didn't have it in himself to trust someone else, to give his heart away. When shit went sideways with Gregory, all he'd lost was a cheating asshole, but if things went bad with Colby, he would lose the place he felt the best. His favorite place to be.

They were quiet the whole drive back to the hotel.

Quiet in the elevator on the ride up.

Since Vince's door was first, they went through that one together. Just as Vince was going to say they needed to talk, Colby spoke. "I, um…need to take a shower. I'm sticky."

Yeah, Vince was too, and while under other circumstances, he would have made a joke about cum, he only said, "Yeah, me too."

"Okay. I'll, um…see you in a few."

They went their separate ways. Vince grabbed a pair of underwear this time and took them into the bathroom with him. He couldn't stop thinking about Colby the whole time—the feel of the man's hands on him, how he tasted, how hungrily he kissed and the pure bliss on his face when he'd shot his load. Those thoughts were fucking great, but the others started to bleed through—their silence, the way Colby had yet to look him in the eyes. The discomfort that had never lingered between them before, and nah, Vince couldn't take that. Colby meant too much to him.

He hurried through the rest of his shower, determined to fix this shit before it had the chance to fester.

Vince turned the faucets off, dried quickly, then tugged his underwear on. He went straight for the door between their rooms, not taking the time to look at anything else. Just as he peeked in Colby's, he heard, "Looking for me?" from behind him.

He smiled, turning to see Colby sitting on the edge of his bed, with wet hair and wearing a pair of shorts.

"I don't want things to be awkward between us," Colby said, looking down at the horrible dark-blue carpet.

Vince sighed, walked over, and sat beside him. The scent of the hotel soap was different from what Vince was used to on Colby's skin. "I can't help feeling I fucked up. You can't even look at me. Is it because I'm a man? Or, because of where it happened? Fuck. I should have at least brought you back here first or given you time to be sure."

Colby's gaze snapped to his. "What? No. Wanting each other so much that we couldn't wait was hot as fuck. It doesn't matter how much good sex I've had in my life, I've never been that frantic for it. I've got a lot to sort through now, though. I guess that means I'm likely bisexual. I'm not freaking out, but it is new. Still, there's no denying I wanted you…and it might have killed me if you'd made me wait for it."

Vince chuckled, feeling some of the heaviness lift away from them. "Maybe you're bi, maybe you're pan. Maybe I'm just so fucking hot, you couldn't help yourself," he teased, and Colby nudged him with his arm. "In all seriousness, if you need an answer to that, you can do some research. Or you just identify how you want. There's not one way to be queer, and if you have any questions, I'm always here, man."

"Yeah, I know you are. It was…okay for you?" he asked quietly. "I came on pretty strong, and I would hate for you to have done that because you weren't sure how to let me down easily or just because you felt you had to."

Jesus. Leave it to Colby to have a moral code so wide, he somehow thought he had taken advantage of Vince. "I fucked around with you because I wanted you, want you. I'm attracted to you, babe. I've told you before I think you're fucking hot. I've been attracted to you since the first moment I saw you, and it's only grown as I've gotten to know you. I just don't want to ruin what we have. We're on the same page with the relationship thing, but I need to make sure you understand that it won't change for me…even if it does for you." Christ, he sounded like the biggest asshole in the fucking world. He couldn't believe he'd said that to Colby, but he also thought it was important they put all their cards on the table. Holding anything in wouldn't benefit either of them.

"No offense, Vince, but no way would I ruin the best thing that's happened to me by trying to be in a relationship with you. I've lost other people I cared about because I couldn't give them what they deserve. I can't risk that with you."

Vince couldn't help wondering what the deal was with Colby and relationships. There didn't have to be a reason, he supposed. Contrary to what most people believed, it was quite possible to simply not want a relationship, but it felt deeper with his friend.

"Well, that's good because I can't risk a relationship with you either." They chuckled, and Colby yawned. "Lie down," Vince told him, and the other man did so easily, pulling the blankets up and getting beneath them. Vince turned off the lights, other than the one beside the bed, and climbed in beside him.

He should talk to Colby about Gregory. Surprisingly, he was pretty sure he wanted to.

"Come'ere," Vince said, and Colby settled in the crook of Vince's arm. This wasn't about sex, wasn't about what happened earlier tonight, and somehow, he knew Colby felt the same. "My parents…when they died, it about killed me."

Colby tensed beneath him. Vince didn't talk about his parents much. He was fairly certain he hadn't talked to Colby about them at all.

"They were great. My dad was the kind of dad who always wanted to be involved. He taught me sports and did homework with me. He treated my mom like a queen, and she treated him like a king, and they raised me to believe I would be a king one day too. Even when we struggled, they instilled hard work into me, made me believe there was nothing I couldn't do. It doesn't matter how young I was when I lost them. I am who I am because of them, and I still miss them every fucking day."

Colby lifted a hand and rested it on Vince's pec, brushing it with his thumb. "I'm so sorry. I hate that you lost them, but I'm so glad you have the memories you do. They sound incredible."

"They were. But it was hard afterward. I was really fucking angry. I sure as shit didn't ever want to feel the pain of losing someone I loved again. My aunt and uncle are great people, but they weren't parents, not really. They never wanted kids and got stuck with me. They never would have said that. They gave me everything I could have ever wanted. They would do anything for me, but we never really dug deep, ya know? Like we all had our own protections up. Maybe protections isn't the right word. Maybe that's just who we are."

Colby continued to touch him, playing with the hairs on his chest. This was surprisingly easy, sharing these things with Colby, letting him in this way.

"Anyway, I lived a great life. Accomplished a lot. I can't say I avoided relationships, not really. I dated a lot, hooked up a lot, and there were people I was with that I cared about deeply. But I never fell in love until Gregory."

Jesus, what was it about that man? Vince couldn't say for sure. Just that Gregory had a way of making a person feel special, like they were the most important thing in the world, when really, the most important thing to Gregory would always be Gregory. He was a master manipulator who knew how to say the right things, and somehow that had hooked Vince.

"When I found out he cheated on me…well, first I was pissed, of course. And then I was hurt. I'd finally given myself to someone, found the person I wanted to be with, and they hadn't felt the same. Maybe if his thing with Liam had been a one-off, it wouldn't have been so bad, but they'd carried on a relationship for nearly a year before I caught them together. I had a meeting at a hotel, and I saw them there. As soon as I moved out, he moved Liam right in. It was like I hadn't mattered to him at all, which had been a huge hit to my ego.

"I swore I would never do that again. I met Holden, we started hooking up, which turned into dating, but I knew it would never go anywhere. I love Holden, but I wasn't in love with him. I couldn't allow that to happen, and I knew he would never fall in love with me either, so it worked. We had fun together, but neither of us put pressure on the other for more."

He stopped, not wanting to continue, afraid if he did, Colby would look at him differently for being so fucking dumb.

His arm was still wrapped around Colby, and Vince let his fingers dance up and down the man's arm.

"I'm here if you want to continue, but don't feel obligated to tell me if you're not ready. I won't push."

Vince nodded and kissed the top of his head. "I'm making this sound like it's a huge thing, when it's not." But it felt like that to him. "I was stupid and fell for Gregory again. He's so damn good at being who you need him to be, at playing the victim, and I'll never forgive myself for falling for it. Somehow, he had me believing that none of it had been his fault. That he was somehow the victim. I fell right back into his trap, and he was fucking someone else the whole time— again . Apparently, he'd been sleeping with this man since he was with Liam. In the end, he didn't even try to hide it. I guess he was tired of me. I came home, and he'd packed my things. The guy was there with him. He just…told me to go and that he didn't want me anymore."

It was one of the lowest moments of Vince's life. There had never been a time he'd felt like trash as intensely as he'd felt right then.

"Jesus, Vince. That guy sounds like a narcissist. Tell me you know it's not your fault. That you did nothing wrong and he's a piece of shit. Nothing that happened says anything bad about you."

"Yeah, but I'm the one who fell for him again. The one who didn't see how vile he is. Who was willing to change my life for a man who is that terrible. How did I fall for him? How did I not see it?"

"Because that's what people like him do! They're predators. He's a manipulator, and you would never think something like that about a person because you're not the type who would ever treat someone that way. Never."

No, no he wouldn't. Still, though logically he knew Colby was right, he couldn't help but think he should have known better.

"Thank you. Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you. Wanted to make sure you understand me."

Colby was quiet, fingers still dancing along Vince's skin. What was he thinking? Was he wondering how Vince had been so stupid? No, he didn't want to think that, but why else wouldn't Colby speak?

"Thank you. That means a lot to me. But all that did was show me how incredible you are."

The words felt like a caress to his heart. Even more than that, like they somehow made it larger, fuller. "I'm not too bad," he said playfully, then kissed the top of Colby's head again. "We're really good?"

"Yeah. You admitted something to me, so I guess I can also admit that I'm still kinda feeling a high about tonight. I don't even know how to put it into words. It was like all these moments have been building up to what we did. All this pressure, and eventually we had to explode."

Vince chuckled. "Yeah, babe. It was like that for me too."

"It felt safe," Colby said. "Safe because it was with you and you're my friend, but also safe because we both want and don't want the same things. We knew what it was—release, but without anything more behind it because we're good friends. I hope that came out right."

Damn. As soon as Colby said the words, they were like a jump-start to Vince's system. "I get it. I feel the same."

"Not just that. It was…exciting. Like brewing beer. I did something that felt good, something I wanted to do, not because it's what's expected of me, and not because it's what my family or anyone else wants. I did it because I wanted to, and though it was new, somehow it felt like I was being more authentic to myself."

For a reason Vince couldn't explain, he liked the sound of that. Not because it was sex between them, but because he wanted Colby to have new experiences. He wanted him to figure out what he wanted or if he already had everything he wanted. And being a part of that himself was the best kind of high. "I like that. I'm glad I could help. And you're right. It was fucking hot."

The quietness that weighed down the room told Vince that Colby had more to say. The truth was, there was more Vince could say too, like the fact that it had been exciting for him too, and more so because it was with Colby. That if Colby wanted to continue to hook up, Vince would love that too. It was only his fear that kept him at bay, fear of fucking up and doing the wrong thing and losing what they had.

"I liked touching you," Colby admitted, his voice like warm honey on a biscuit, and Vince had to bite back a groan.

"I liked touching you too."

"We can…do more if you want. I don't mean tonight, but whenever. If you're not interested, I don't want you to feel obligated, but—"

"Babe. Obligation is the last thing I feel at the thought of hooking up with you. I get hard just thinking about it. But I don't want to lose what we have."

"Why would we? We're old enough to know better. Neither of us wants to fall in love with the other, and we don't want a relationship. We don't have to worry about the shit that comes with meeting other people. It's kinda perfect. And if either of us decides it's not working anymore, or you meet someone else, or hell, we just want to stop, we tell each other. As long as we're open about it, I don't see what could go wrong."

It didn't escape Vince's attention that Colby spoke about them in terms of we except when it came to meeting someone else. If it hadn't been obvious before that Colby was serious about never getting into a relationship again, it was now.

"I turned you on that much, huh?" Vince said playfully, wanting to keep the mood light.

"Eh, I'm hard up."

Vince chuckled. "Asshole." Really, he loved these moments with Colby, the simplicity of their relationship. "I guess I'm hard up for you too." He rolled on top of Colby, looking down into his blue eyes. "How can I resist this mouth?" He kissed the edge of Colby's lip, then tugged it gently with his teeth.

Colby's arms went around him, one hand on the back of his head, pulling Vince forward to kiss him again. He guessed this was it. This was them agreeing to add sex to their friendship.

Vince hoped like hell he wasn't making a mistake.