Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Clemson

The past two days had been the absolute worst of my life. I met with my head coach on Wednesday morning and got the ass chewing of a lifetime. I’d never felt more embarrassed and ashamed in my nearly twenty-one years.

I went home in a fog of sadness and self-pity, only to crawl under the covers and try to hide from the reality of my situation. Spent the rest of the night alternately crying and fitfully sleeping, all while dreading today with an intensity I’d never known.

The academic discipline board called an emergency meeting to deal with me and the other students in my position. So, as we all sat, or paced nervously in the hall outside the designated classroom, we knew our futures were hanging precariously by thin threads of hope.

What was shocking was the number of student athletes despondently wandering the hallway with me. As each person disappeared into that dreaded classroom and then emerged about fifteen minutes later, my time left at this university drained away like the final seconds on a basketball shot clock.

No one said a word after they came out of their hearing, either. Whispers through the waiting kids unanimously agreed that the staff on the other side of that door must have been instructing each student not to say anything to the rest of us waiting. It seemed like the board was collectively enjoying watching every student squirm and beg for a chance to stay.

Why else would they use this format to deliver this kind of life-changing news? It would’ve been so much more sympathetic to do this in a private location instead of amassing us all at the same place. With my luck, I’d be the last one called and have to endure every single second of this nightmare.

I couldn’t bring myself to tell my roommates what was going on. I didn’t have it in me to listen to Avery worry about how it would affect her or listen to Grace shower me with platitudes about how everything would be okay.

I didn’t know much right now, but I knew things were definitely not going to be okay. So, while some students had friends here to support them while they waited for their fate to be sealed, I sat here alone. Nothing new there. I chose to go it alone way more often than I gathered a support system. It was the only way I could concentrate solely on myself.

And as mentioned, this whole mess was dreadfully embarrassing. The worst part of the situation would be telling my parents. I decided no matter what I had to do to accomplish it, I would not be moving back in their Brentwood home. I’d rather work three jobs and live in a studio apartment than do that. My mental health could not withstand being under their roof full time.

When my name was finally called, only a handful of students remained in the corridor. At least when I came back out, I wouldn’t have fifty pairs of eyes watching me.

Quietly, I rose from the bench I had been perched on and followed the woman into the room. I tried to be as professional and graceful as possible on shaky spaghetti legs. There was so much adrenaline coursing through my body, I felt like I had just sprinted a mile.

There were six people sitting on the opposite side of two long tables. One empty chair waited on the side closest to the door, and someone motioned for me to take the seat.

I lowered myself into the chair and made eye contact with the man in the middle. He was an older gentleman with very stern features. His eyes were lifeless, and I tried to imagine what it must feel like to destroy this many students’ lives, one right after another. Was he dead inside before he sat down in that chair this morning, or was that look a direct result of the day’s activities?

“Clemson Farsay?” he asked.

“Yes sir,” I said and finally noticed my coach was one of the people across from me.

Unfortunately, his expression gave nothing away as to how this was about to go. The chance of my keeping my scholarship was minuscule. At this point, I could only hope they’d allow me to continue studying at this university and not send me home completely.

“As you are aware, you were awarded an athletic scholarship because of your outstanding achievements leading up to choosing this university to continue your education,” he said in a monotone voice.

Did he have more inflection in his voice when he made that announcement to the first student this morning? Or was this where his energy level was at this point in the day? Or did we all get the exact same treatment?

“Miss Farsay?” he asked, sounding highly annoyed.

Shit. Not the time to daydream, girl. Pay attention!

“Yes, I’m sorry. I’m so nervous right now.” I forced a little laugh, but no one else offered as much as a reassuring smile after my admission. “Could you repeat what you said?”

He sighed in frustration. “I asked you if you had anything to add to the facts as they’ve been presented. I will not go through all that again, though. You know why you’re here, and if you don’t, at this point you’re wasting all of our valuable time.”

I’d considered preparing a statement to read, knowing damn well how nervous I’d be. In the end, though, I’d decided that speaking from the heart would appeal to the board more than some robotic, unemotional paragraph.

“N-N-No,” I stammered. “I understand the ramifications. And yes, I would like to say something if the board will allow it.” I waited for him to give the go-ahead before spilling my guts.

After a curt nod, I cleared my throat and said, “I’ve taken my role on the swim team very seriously. I’m sure my coaches would say that I work very hard at practices, take excellent care of my body, and give my best performance at every meet. I love swimming for this school and would be completely devastated to have to leave. I’m hoping, if I can’t keep my scholarship, that I can continue to attend this university and swim on this team. I’ll apply for financial aid and prove that I was worth investing in.”

God, I hoped that was enough. I thought by presenting another way I could stay that wouldn’t be a risk to the school financially, they may be open to giving me another chance.

“It is most unusual that a student would make this offer,” the man said. “I don’t think, out of all the students we’ve spoken to today, anyone else has offered to take on that responsibility.” He looked from left to right—I guessed to see if anyone had anything to add or ask. When no one said anything, he continued. “If you’d please wait outside, Miss Farsay, I’d like to have a discussion with the board.”

The same girl that ushered me in showed me back out into the hall.

“Wait here until I come back for you,” she said quietly.

I had no idea if this was good or bad. I hadn’t been paying perfect attention to the other students when they came back out. Did anyone else have to wait while they discussed their decision? I know what he said, but maybe they had other things to consider with other students. Maybe some students got a second chance on the school’s dime.

God, wouldn’t that be a surprise outcome? I didn’t dare let myself roll around in that mud, though. I didn’t want to get my hopes up only to have the rug completely pulled out from under me when they sent me packing.

Almost half an hour later, the young woman opened the door and met my waiting gaze. “You can come back in now.” She held the door wide for me to pass in front of her.

“Miss Farsay, the board has come to a decision. This was not a unanimous vote, and I think it’s important that you know how much your coach fought for your retention here at this school. You owe him a lot, and I don’t suggest you let any of us down again. If you make a second appearance before the board, you will be expelled immediately. Do you understand?”

I nodded vigorously until my voice cooperated enough to produce a sound. “Yes, yes, I understand.”

“We’ve decided to suspend your scholarship for the next semester. If you get your grades back on track and continue your outstanding performance and dedication to the team, it will be reinstated. In the meantime, the financial responsibility of your classes and living arrangements are completely yours. Do you fully understand the board’s decision?”

“I do,” I assured him. “Thank you. I won’t disappoint you.”

“See that you don’t. You are excused,” he said and signed his name on the bottom of the paper in front of him with a grand flourish.

Because I was raised well, I went down the entire table offering my hand to each member of the board along with genuine gratitude. I couldn’t digest what the hell had just happened, but I knew it was the right thing to do. Some of them seemed surprised by my gesture but offered a little smile or a few words of encouragement as we shook.

Outside the door, I found a quiet corner far down the hall away from the remaining students and leaned against the wall. Now that it was over, I felt like I was going to pass out. I hadn’t eaten all day, despite the fact that we had a lunch break a couple of hours ago. I figured low blood sugar would be better than an upset stomach when facing the review board. But now, my legs were so shaky, I didn’t think I could make it through the parking lot to where I’d left my car.

I was pretty certain there was a vending machine on the first floor of this building, so I planned to stop there before heading out into the late-day heat to my overbaked car. Jackpot! I found a soda machine in the alcove near the restrooms and dug out my cash card to get some sugar in my system. No doubt I’d have a headache later from dousing my body with so much sugar and no actual nutrition, but I could eat something healthy when I got home to balance things out.

Back at home, I had to fight the urge to crawl into bed. That wasn’t going to solve anything, and I knew from past experience, the habit was harder to get out of on the other side of a crisis. I made this mess for myself. Now I had to figure out a way to get through it.

While I was making myself some dinner, Grace came bursting through the front door, looking like she was ready to explode with big news.

“Hey, girl. How was your day?” I asked. The longer I could keep her talking about what she had going on, the better chance I had of avoiding my shitty day.

“You. Are. Not. Going to believe who I ran into,” she said in choppy bits to start and then rushed out the ending as though it were one long word.

Darting my eyes around the room, wondering if anyone else was witnessing her excitement, I asked, “Who?”

She flopped down on the sofa and kicked off her shoes before curling her legs beneath her. Our living space was open concept, so even though I was cooking on the stove in the kitchen, I could see her clearly.

“Do you remember that guy I met in the beginning of the year at that party?”

I laughed. If I had a nickel for every guy she’d met at a party since we lived together, I wouldn’t be stressed out about having to pay tuition.

“Ummm…” I said. “Give me more details. I can think of a handful of guys you’ve met at parties, at least.”

“But this one was the one, Clemson. Remember? And then I could never find him again. It was like he was there and then he was gone. Never ran into him anywhere else, and around here, that’s pretty unusual.”

She had a point there. Our campus wasn’t as big as some of the state schools, and now that we had finished our second year, we knew most of the student body. I still had no idea who she was talking about but decided to just go along with the story. Eventually she’d get to the part that had her so excited right now.

“Oooohhh,” I dragged out like it was dawning on me now. “So where did you run into him? Did he remember you?” I asked like a good friend would.

“Oh, he remembered me, all right. And he asked me out! His name is Jaxson, and he just finished his junior year. He was studying abroad last semester. That’s why it seemed like he disappeared.”

“Perfect! Jaxson, huh? I knew a guy with that name once. When are you going out?”

“Tomorrow night. He’s taking me to dinner at some new place in La Jolla,” Grace shared, literally bouncing on the sofa cushion while she spoke.

“Well, I can’t wait to hear all about it,” I said as I plated the chicken I’d just pulled from the oven. “You hungry?”

“Mmmm, yes! Whatever you’re making smells delish. Do you have enough to share?”

“Of course I do.” I laughed. I always made more than one portion. If one of my roommates didn’t come sniffing around while I was cooking, I could eat the extra the following day. I didn’t love cooking the way my sisters did, so if I didn’t have to do it every night, I was glad.

“Is Avery home?” Grace asked, looking at her watch. “I thought she’d be here by now.”

“I haven’t seen her since I got home, but I haven’t checked if she’s in her room. I was so hungry when I walked in, I got right to cooking. Go see if she’s in there and if she’s hungry.”

Grace hopped up off the sofa and zipped down the hall to our roommate’s door. She was back quickly.

I had the plates on the table and was just sitting down when I saw a confused look on her face.

“What’s up? She not in there?”

“Her room is empty,” Grace croaked. “All her stuff is gone.” She looked like she was about to burst into tears.

“What?” I said much louder than intended.

“She didn’t say anything to you about going home for the summer, did she?”

“No, but honestly, I haven’t been around that much,” I said while cutting my meat into bite-size pieces. “You know I have a shitload of my own stuff I’ve been dealing with. You guys hang out way more often. You’d be more likely to know than me.”

Grace flopped down into the kitchen chair. Did the girl ever sit down like a normal person? It seemed like she was always heaving her body on an off of chairs.

“Why wouldn’t she tell us?” Grace asked, staring at me like I had the answers.

Since my mouth was full of food, I just shrugged. After chewing and swallowing, I said, “Maybe something changed at the last minute, and she’s going to call to explain what’s going on.” Seemed like a reasonable possibility.

Grace dug into her food and moaned when she tasted the chicken. “Jesus, this is good. I’m so sick of fast food or that crap they serve in the food court. I know they think they are giving us healthy options, but…” She wrinkled her nose.

We ate in silence for a while, and I almost choked when she nearly leaped out of her chair.

“Oh my God!” she shouted. “I’m the worst friend!”

I stared at her like she’d lost her damn mind, and we both giggled.

“How did it go today? You said you had an important meeting?”

I sighed, trying to decide how to word this. “Not bad and not good, I guess.”

“What does that mean?”

After briefly explaining my predicament, I returned to answer her actual question. “So, they are letting me stay at the school. And on the team.” Then I added the part I still hadn’t come to terms with. “But my scholarship has been suspended for the next semester. So if I stay, I have to pay for everything myself. Classes, housing, everything.”

“Can you get student loans? I mean, for the rest of us who aren’t part fish, that’s how we’re doing it. I know the process sucks, but you should qualify.”

“I’m going to have to try. I don’t have money saved to just pay out of pocket, I know that much. And, if I want to graduate on time, I have to take the same number of units again next year—both semesters.”

“Wasn’t that what caused the problem this go around? Too many units on top of the demands of the team?”

I nodded.

“So maybe you have to make peace with extending just one extra semester and cut back your class load. I mean, I don’t suppose the team schedule is going to lighten up any.”

“No, I doubt it will. I’m not really sure. I haven’t figured it all out yet. I mean, it just happened this afternoon. I’m just thankful I don’t have to go home,” I said. “That was what I was most worried about.”

I’d figure out a way to make it all work. My parents would never know that my scholarship was suspended, and everything would work out. I had to believe that.

As we cleaned up the kitchen, Grace said, “I can’t believe none of your professors were willing to let you do extra credit or retake the final. I mean, not even an ounce of compassion. That sucks.”

“What’s worse, all three of them were there today, and they didn’t say a freaking word. If it hadn’t been for Coach O’Malley, I think my goose would’ve been cooked. He was the only one who spoke up on my behalf. Luckily, the school cares enough about their athletic standing that they took a chance.”

Grace listened while I told her about the process, and when we exhausted the subject, she said, “We better call Avery. I’m worried about her. This isn’t like her to not say anything.”

I really couldn’t take any more today, so I did the chickenshit thing and said, “Let me know what she says when you call her. I hope we don’t have to find a new roommate.”

Suddenly all I could think about was the financial burden it would be if we were splitting the rent two ways for the summer instead of three. I wasn’t sure how I was going to make rent in the first place. If my share suddenly increased, it would be even more stress.

“I’ll keep you posted,” she called over her shoulder and disappeared into her room.

I put the last of the dishes in the dishwasher and headed to my room as well. I’d figure out my money woes in the morning after a nice long shower and a good night’s sleep.

I needed a solid cashflow plan and quick. If worse came to worst, I could ask one of my sisters to float me a loan, but I really didn’t want to drag them into my problems. That would be a surefire way of my parents finding out, and that was the last thing I wanted.

I turned out the lights, pulled the covers up over my head, and waited for sleep to claim me. My phone vibrated a few times on my nightstand, so I reached my hand out blindly to grab the thing. I assumed it was Grace telling me what she’d found out about Avery. It wouldn’t have been the first time we texted from one room in the house to another.

Instead of my roommate, though, it was my sister Hannah.

How did it go today? I’ve been wanting to message you all day but figured you’d tell me when you were ready. Now, my anxiety is through the roof, so I need to know.

I smiled at the emoji she used after the message because I could picture the way she got herself all worked up over everything. I had forgotten that I’d told her the date of the review board, and of course she probably wrote it down in her calendar because she was hyper-organized like that.

Not too bad, but not great. Can we chat tomorrow? I’m already in bed, and it’s been a day. You know? Stop worrying, though. It will all work out.

A few minutes passed while I waited for her to respond, and finally, my phone vibrated again.

Okay. I’ll call you tomorrow, and you can tell me about it. Love you, Clemmie.

Love you too, Hannibal. Thank you for thinking about me. XOXO

I fell asleep moments after sending that message and didn’t stir all night. My mind and body were so fried, I didn’t even wake up to pee. I kept assuring everyone that everything would somehow work out.

But I wasn’t sure I believed it myself.