Chapter Five

Pasha

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Sinclaire... There's no heartbeat."

I stared at the monitor, willing it to move... to make a sound... something. I needed them to be wrong. My poor, sweet, innocent baby was gone. His life was snatched from him before it could even begin.

"Check it again!" I pleaded.

"I have," the doctor said. "I've checked it three times."

"He can't be... He can't be gone. I just felt him moving last night." Tears poured down my face as I tried to come to terms with this heartbreaking reality. "Please... Tell me this is a mistake."

She squeezed my hand as she gave me a sympathetic look. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. We have to induce you."

I began to cry harder. I was eight and a half months pregnant. She just told me my son was dead, and now I had to deliver him. Not only that, but I also had to go home without him. Beside me, Raymond rubbed my back, not muttering a word. I couldn't tell if he was as upset as I was, but he didn't show any emotion. He didn't offer me any further condolences. After three miscarriages, we were finally supposed to have our bundle of joy. Now, that dream was back to what it was... a dream.

"Can I hold him?" I asked through my tears.

"Of course. You can take all the time you need. We have a bereavement program where you can take pictures with your baby to take home. We find sometimes it offers comfort. We're here for whatever you need, Mrs. Sinclaire."

I nodded, although no source of comfort could ever ease the pain I was feeling. My child was gone...

I sat straight up, gasping for air. My body was covered in sweat, and I struggled to breathe. I hadn't dreamed of my baby in a while, and now, the memories came flooding back. Scrambling from the bed, I ran over to my suitcases and the trash bags, dumping everything out. I frantically searched until I found the locked box that housed the only memories I had of my son and my parents. Using the key I had on a chain around my neck, I opened it to make sure Raymond left everything inside. I prayed he wasn't vindictive enough to tamper with it.

I sighed with relief when I found everything as I left it. If something happened to this, I would have lost it. Closing the box, I sat back on my haunches, clutching it to my chest. Burying my face in my hand, I cried for what seemed like the millionth time. I just wanted to fall apart.

"God give me strength..." I whispered. "I don't know if I can make it through this with my sanity."

Other than getting up to pee, I'd lay in this bed for the last four days. I hadn't taken my medication. I hadn't showered. I hadn't brushed my teeth or washed my face. I'd gotten a total of maybe eight hours of sleep in the last seventy-two hours. My stomach cramped because I hadn't eaten, and I was beginning to smell myself. I physically did not have the energy to deal with life.

Avyn had been coming by, and all I wanted her to do was leave me alone. I understood her concern. I understood she wanted to be there for me, but I just didn't know how to accept that right now. I depended on someone for the last twenty-eight years. First, it was my parents and then my husband. My parents were dead, and my husband was leaving me. At some point, I had to learn to stand on my own two feet.

The last thing I wanted to do was get out of bed, but I needed to get myself together. If I lay here, my two free weeks would be up, and my situation would only be worse. I was so tired... so drained... so fucking done. But all I had now was me. I could either sink or swim. After saying a quick prayer, I stood and placed the box beside the dresser to prepare for whatever kind of day I was about to have.

Rummaging through my things, I found something to wear before heading into the bathroom. I turned on the water, then stripped out of the robe I'd been wearing for four days. I avoided the mirror because I didn't want to see the pitiful mess looking back at me. Stepping into the hot shower, I embraced the heat and steam.

I closed my eyes and basked in the soothing stream of water raining down on me. My body was stiff from lying down for so long. I knew I couldn't allow myself to get like this again... I couldn't afford to. With my eyes closed, I began praying for strength, clarity, perseverance, and understanding. I had to believe that God had a greater plan for my life than this. There was something better waiting for me. I just had to climb over this stumbling block.

Opening my eyes, I grabbed my washcloth and body wash to give myself a good lather. Once I was done, I thoroughly washed my hair before applying the leave-in conditioner. My natural curls rejoiced at finally getting the TLC they so desperately needed. My depression was crippling. At times, it was a struggle to manage self-care. I knew I needed to get myself together, and I was trying, but damn, it was hard.

Fresh out of the shower, I dried my body and towel-dried my hair before adding moisturizing products to it. Once I was done, I returned to the bedroom to get dressed. I settled on an oversized shirt and leggings, grabbed my phone, and opened the browser to look for a cab. Not so much to my surprise, my service was disconnected. Raymond and I were on the same phone plan. If he would cut off my credit cards, surely he would cut off my phone too.

I sighed as I connected to the hotel's Wi-Fi to book the ride. Someone knocked at my door just as I was about to hit confirm. I knew it was nobody but Avyn. Setting down the phone, I went to answer. When I opened the door, she stood there in her regular clothes. She must have been off today. Her eyes widened as they settled on me.

"You're up... and dressed."

"Yeah..."

"You look better, Pash."

"Thanks, I guess."

"Can I come in? I want to talk to you."

"Can it wait? I need to take care of some things today, Avyn."

"No, it can't wait."

She brushed past me and came into the room. I closed my eyes, silently cursing as I closed the door. Walking back to the living room area, I found her sitting on the couch. She patted the space beside her. Begrudgingly, I sat.

"So I met Callum."

I swallowed hard. "Oh?"

"Yeah. I had to beg, but he told me what happened. Why didn't you call me, Pasha? Me or Tia or Blake? One of us would have come to you, and you know that."

"I was embarrassed!" I yelled. "That man put my shit on the front lawn for all to see. He put me out of my home to move a new bitch in! She's pregnant, Avyn. He's finally getting what he wanted and has no use for me anymore! Do you know how that felt? I gave everything to that man. I put him above myself time and time again, and this is what he did to me.

"I damn near watched him grow to hate me while I still loved him as best as I could. I put so much blame on myself for how fucked up my mental was, but I'm human. I feel pain just like the next person. I tried to heal and deal with it through therapy, but it was too much, Avyn... It was just too much!"

I broke down crying, and she pulled me into her arms, rocking me. I just accepted it. There was no way I could keep fighting against her. Avyn was nothing if not persistent. Now that she knew the truth, she would never leave my side.

"Look at me." She cupped my face. "I love you... Don't you know that? There is nothing you can't bring to me, nothing I won't go through with you. Fifteen years of friendship are between us. I've always had your back. If you can't count on another soul in this life, you count on me... Every. Single. Time. I got you."

She kissed my forehead and wiped my eyes.

"Come on." She stood to her feet, pulling me along with her. "We're gonna pack your things, and you're coming to stay with me. I've got a spare bedroom, and it's yours for as long as you need it."

"I can't—"

"You can, and you are. I'm not asking, and I'm not fighting with you. You are going to let me help you. Period. Now, come help me pack up this stuff."

She didn't wait for me to protest. As she grabbed my suitcase and started folding my clothes, I shuffled from side to side. Maybe this was part of the journey to starting over. I couldn't do it alone, and she wouldn't let me. Maybe Callum was the blessing I needed to jump-start. Thinking of him made me question how Avyn ran into him in the first place. Slowly, I walked over to the pile of clothes and began picking them up to fold.

"Avyn?"

"Yes?"

"How did you meet Callum?"

"He came in here looking for you."

"What?"

"He wanted to make sure you were okay, Pasha. I could tell he was genuinely concerned about your well-being. His spirit felt genuine."

I looked away. "It did. I probably would have gotten arrested if it weren't for him."

"He said bricks were thrown?"

I shrugged. "Yeah... not my proudest moment. I just... They taunted me. I was so angry. All I could see was red. They were lucky the windows were the only thing I broke."

"I would have aimed for faces."

"I know you would have. I've never wanted to put my hands on someone so bad, Avyn. I've never been a fighter. You know I don't like confrontation. You know I don't like feeling angry. At that moment, I was so mad. Mad at him, mad at her... mad at myself. I felt him loving me less and less. I should have left long before any of this happened. I kept telling myself that if I got my mind right and lost weight, everything would be okay. I was stupid, na?ve, and delusional."

"No, baby. You were a woman going through two of the worst types of grief, and you needed support from your husband. It doesn't matter what part you tell yourself you played. He failed you as a husband. That's exactly what I told him."

"Please don't tell me you went to the house."

"Yes, I did. I went over there and cursed both of them out. I was about to pick up a brick and finish the job you started on the rest of the windows. He's lucky the police came."

"Please don't go back over there. I don't need you getting arrested on my behalf."

She giggled. "Well, the responding officer may or may not have been my little boo, so I was okay this time. But you better believe I want all smoke behind this."

I shook my head. "I just need to move on. I don't want revenge. I don't want pity. I don't want a thing from him. This ring..." I took off the wedding ring and held it up. "This is bullshit. I don't want anything tying me to him."

"Well, we can sell this and get you a nice chunk of change from it."

I grabbed her hand and placed the ring in it. "Take it. I'll even give you half for letting me stay with you."

"Absolutely not. Whatever comes from that is yours. You know I have a few cousins on my daddy's side who can run in there and grab you a few things. He won't even know they're missing."

"Avyn."

"I'm sorry. I'm just trying to make you smile. You're gonna get through this, Pasha. My granny always said God will make your enemies your footstool... of course, when she said that, she was referring to stomping a mudhole in somebody."

I covered my mouth, attempting to hide my smile.

"You know my granny was a thug, right?"

"I remember. I loved your granny."

"She loved you too. If she were still here, she would have pulled up right along with me, and hands definitely would have been thrown. No ifs, ands, or buts about it."

I knew that to be true. Katherine Timmons, affectionately known as Ms. Kat, was nothing to play with. She was a sweet firecracker who treated me like one of her grandchildren. She had the spirit of discernment. If she'd met Raymond, she probably could have told me what it took so long to see.

"Hey," Avyn said, jarring me out of my thoughts. She playfully nudged me. "You're gonna be okay, boo."

I sighed and nodded. I had to believe that.

I couldn't afford to believe anything else.