Chapter Twenty-Nine

Pasha

I felt sick tomy stomach.

I didn't want to ruin our fun, but the news of Chris and Eva expecting was like a low blow. It had nothing to do with them. I was happy for them. The ability to bring life into the world was a joyous occasion and deserved to be celebrated. I sat there and toasted them with everyone else, but I couldn't take it when the conversation shifted to baby talk. I excused myself to the kitchen to grab another drink.

Callum and Avyn followed shortly. When they found me, I was struggling to open a bottle of wine. Tears were stinging my eyes as I tried to pry the cork out. Avyn took the bottle from my hands and set it aside while Callum wrapped his arm around me and led me outside. The moment the cool air hit my face, I felt a wave of nausea hit the pit of my stomach and quickly made its way up through my esophagus.

I sprinted away from them and over to some bushes, where I spewed out my guts.

"Get her some water and a towel," I heard Avyn say to Callum.

In an instant, she was at my side, holding my hair back. She gently rubbed my back until I was at the point of dry heaving. Callum was standing with a cold towel to wipe my mouth and face when I stood. I tried to hold back the tears as they tended to me, but they just kept coming. Before I knew it, I was on the ground with my knees in my chest, bawling like a baby.

"I'm sorry... I-I tried to hold it in!"

"It's okay," they both said, hovering beside me.

I didn't know why this pregnancy announcement hit me like this. I'd been around Precious and Armani. I'd spoken about wanting to try again in the future. Why did the announcement do me like this?

"It's okay, Pash," Avyn whispered, kissing my temple. "We've got you."

"We're right here," Callum assured me. He sat on the ground behind me, wrapped his arms around my waist, and gently rocked me.

The harder I tried to calm down, the worse it felt.

"I... I can't... I can't breathe. I can't breathe..."

"You're having a panic attack," Avyn informed me. "Look at me, Pasha."

I tried to focus on her face, but my body wouldn't cooperate.

"Listen to the sound of my voice," she said softly. "Tell me three things you see."

I panted heavily as I looked around, trying to focus my attention elsewhere. "Um... trees... f-flowers... a p-playground s-set."

"Good, good.... Close your eyes for me."

I did as she said and closed my eyes.

"Tell me three things you can hear."

I listened. "C-cars on the road.... Crickets.... An owl."

"You're doing so good, pooh. Keep your eyes closed and focus on your breathing. I need you to move three parts of your body for me."

I focused my attention again. First, I stretched and flexed my fingers. Then my toes, followed by my neck. Slowly, my body began to relax. Calm settled, and embarrassment set in. I hadn't had a panic attack in so long that I almost forgot what it felt like. Avyn had seen me at my worst with those, but this was new for Callum. I wasn't sure what he thought of it, and I couldn't bring myself to look at him right now. Looking past Avyn, I could see everybody standing on the back deck, looking out with concerned faces.

"I want to go home, Avyn..." I said quietly. "I can't go back in there after this."

Callum gently rubbed my arms. "Baby, nobody is going to judge you."

I ignored him. "Please," I begged her.

"Okay. I'm sure Malcolm will let me borrow his car."

She stood and beckoned him over. They spoke quietly for a moment before he handed over his keys. She came back over and helped me to my feet.

"Just give her some time," she said to Callum, who I was sure was confused. "I'll let you know when we make it back."

She led me away from him. Eva stepped forward in front of me when we got closer to the group.

"I'm so sorry, Pasha.... I wasn't thinking."

I shook my head. "No. No, this was good news, and I'm so happy for you. It's just me. It's nothing to do with you. Thank you for having me tonight, but I think it's best if I leave."

She didn't try to protest, and it wouldn't have done her any good. She simply pulled me in for a hug and kissed my cheek before allowing Avyn to lead me inside. Avyn grabbed her purse and mine, and we headed out to Malcolm's car. As we settled in, I saw Callum standing in the doorway. He looked hurt, and I hated that. I knew he wanted to console me, but I just needed to go home and gather myself right now.

Back in my apartment, I sat in the tub in the bubble bath Avyn had ready for me. She stepped out to call Callum and let him know that we were here, and I was okay. Only I was far from okay. My heart was aching in its cavity, and the drive back was filled with loud and deafening silence. I cried the entire ride. I cried in the elevator. I cried for twenty minutes in my bed while Avyn lay there with me, gently rocking me and wiping my tears. Eva's announcement did a number on me.

It made me sad because I knew that being with Callum meant I would be around everybody in attendance tonight. I'd have to watch her belly grow. I'd probably find myself touching it. I'd have to listen to her picking out baby names or talk about her pregnancy journey, all while I sat there, childless... a childless mother, mourning the loss of three pregnancies and the death of a child.

The realization was too much for me. I might have held it together if Callum hadn't grabbed my hand. It was like a knee-jerk reaction for him when the words left Eva's mouth. It was as though he felt the shift in my spirit when the feeling hit me. I was so embarrassed about breaking down like that in front of everyone.

I never wanted Eva or Chris to feel like I made their moment about me. That wasn't my intention. Their baby was a beautiful blessing, and I wish them a happy and healthy pregnancy. I just couldn't wholeheartedly share in their moment.

A knock at the door interrupted my thoughts. It crept open, and Avyn stepped in with a coffee mug.

"I made you some tea," she said softly. She placed it on the edge of the tub and sat on my countertop. "Talk to me, Pash."

"I want my baby, Avyn."

"I know, pooh."

"I don't understand how I can be blessed with something so beautiful, and he be snatched away from me before I could really love him. I know they say God doesn't make mistakes, but I can't believe he would want this. There had to have been something I could've done, Avyn. There had to be. I refuse to believe that God wanted me to lose three babies and then turn around and give birth to a stillborn. I refuse to believe that I deserve this type of pain. It had to have been me."

My tears started up again. Avyn began to get down from the counter and approach me, but I stopped her. I had to get it out of my system.

"Pash.... None of those losses were because of anything you did. The doctors all said that."

"Then somebody is lying!" I screamed. "Something's wrong with you. You're sabotaging these pregnancies. You didn't eat right! You didn't take care of yourself. It was me, Avyn! Me!"

"Did he say that to you?"

"Yes! Over and over and over again!"

She hopped down from the counter and came over to me against my protesting. I tried to push her away, but she kept coming to the point where she climbed into the tub with me, clothes and all, and wrapped me up in a hug that I so desperately needed. I cried profusely against her, letting out anguished cry after anguished cry. I cried for me. I cried for the babies I'd lost. I cried for my son. I needed to purge because it was eating me alive.

Avyn pulled back and cupped my face.

"You listen to me. Raymond was a narcissistic, evil, selfish son of a bitch. He manipulated you for years, Pasha. You were good to him until you could no longer fulfill his desires. That is not on you. The loss of those innocent babies is not on you. I was with you through every single pregnancy. You did everything you were supposed to do, baby.—Everything. Losing them was not your fault. Your miscarriages were developmental. Your stillborn was... was an accident, something completely out of your control. It wasn't you, and you have to stop believing that. Do you hear me?"

I nodded with tears streaming down my face. I heard her. It didn't make it any easier to accept. Not when I had my own husband in my ear, blaming me every chance he got.

"I'd like to be alone," I whispered.

"Pash—"

"Please. I just want to shower and go to bed, Avyn. I promise I'm okay."

"You are shutting me out again. I won't let you do that. I love you, and I'm gonna be right here whether or not you like it. I don't care if I have to camp out in your living room. You are not getting rid of me tonight."

She stood from the tub and stepped out. After grabbing a towel and wrapping it around herself, she left the bathroom. I sighed as I sank under the water. This was going to be a long night.

By the time I got out of the shower, I wasn't feeling any better. I actually felt worse. On top of my grief, I felt deep, immense anger. I wanted to break something... hit something... fuck up something. I knew exactly who I wanted to direct that anger toward, but there was no chance of me getting out of my apartment tonight.

I heard voices in my living room when I walked out of the bathroom. Peeking around the corner, I saw Blake and Tia. They were all dressed in their pajamas and had made themselves comfortable on my couch. I remained quiet as I went into my closet to change into a pair of leggings and an oversized T-shirt.

Back in my bedroom, I plugged my phone into the charger and placed it on the dresser before turning back the covers and climbing into bed. Just as my head hit the pillow, my phone gave a notification. I saw it as I picked it up to see a message from Callum.

Callum:Avyn already assured me that you were safe and going to bed, but I needed to reach out to you. I care for you, Pasha. I know you know that. I know you may need some time, but I'm right here, baby. Please don't shut me out.

I wanted to respond, but I couldn't. My heart wasn't in the right place right now. I knew that it was all in my head. Sleep was the last thing on my mind. I rolled onto my side and stared out the window at the lights from the city surrounding me.

Every so often, one of the girls came to check on me. When I heard their footsteps, I pretended to be asleep. As soon as they were gone, my eyes flew open. This went on for two hours until they finally all fell asleep. The apartment was quiet and dark aside from the light above the stove.

Easing out of bed, I went into my closet and closed the door. I got my keepsake box down and sat in the middle of the floor. Lifting the lid, I pulled out the blanket my son had been swaddled in. Holding it up, I buried my face in it. It no longer smelled like him, but I could never forget his scent.

I set it aside and picked up the small container that housed his umbilical cord and wristband. Jordan Michael Sinclair... my little sunshine. I picked up the photos the hospital so graciously provided me with as part of their bereavement program. Tears whirled in my eyes as I looked at his handsome little face. He looked so much like my father. Even in his cold state, he simply looked like he was sleeping peacefully. Only it wasn't a peaceful sleep. It was an endless slumber.

I put the items on the floor and picked up the final object, his little urn of ashes. Lifting it to my lips, I kissed the cold metal.

"My sweet baby boy... Mommy misses you so much. It's so unfair that you can't be here."

Again, I felt the tears streaming down my face. They weren't just tears of sadness. I felt so much anger and rage thinking about the way Raymond left me to grieve by myself. He didn't leave physically, but mentally and emotionally, he abandoned me. In front of other people, he was the most loving and doting husband in the world. Alone, he was cruel and standoffish. For weeks after our son passed, he looked at me in disgust.

Every time I cried, he'd make me feel worse by telling me I should have done this or that, and our child would be here. When he decided he wanted to try again, I was barely six weeks postdelivery. I wasn't sexually or mentally ready to try to have another baby, and I adamantly refused him. He cursed me from here to hell and called me everything but a child of God. How could he think I'd be ready after the loss I experienced?

As I sat there stewing in my anger, I thought of all the things I wanted to say to him that I never said. I thought of all the pain I wanted to inflict upon him. He was basking in the joy of another woman carrying his child while mine was sitting here with his ashes in an urn.

I placed the items back in the box and put it on the top shelf. After slipping on a hoodie and my sneakers, I left the closet. I walked carefully to the front door so I wouldn't wake the girls and grabbed my keys. After quietly unlocking the door, I slipped into the hallway, took the elevator down, and quickly went to my car.

My mind raced as I drove through the semiquiet city streets to the place that was once my home. It was after midnight when I arrived. The light in the living room was on, and Raymond's car was in the driveway. Memories of coming home to my things sitting on the front lawn filled my head. I saw Adora proudly standing in my doorway, laughing at me. I felt embarrassed knowing my neighbors could probably hear and see everything. Anger coursed through my veins as I climbed out of the car and stormed up to the front door, banging on it.

I could hear movement on the other side before it swung open. There stood my soon-to-be ex-husband, his mistress... and their baby. She'd given birth. I stared at the beautiful, curly-haired little girl swaddled in a pink blanket. For a moment, I was stunned.

"What the hell are you doing here this time of night?" Raymond snapped, breaking my stare.

I blinked and refocused my gaze on his angry face. "I have something to say to you."

Adora scoffed. "You show up here after midnight, banging on our door while my child is sleeping, and you think you're gonna talk to him? I get that you don't have any children, but please, consider those of us who do."

"The only thing saving you from my fist meeting your face is the fact that you are holding that baby. Consider that, bitch."

"Adora, take my daughter upstairs and wait for me, baby," Raymond instructed.

She frowned.

"You should listen like you've been trained to do," I said, folding my arms.

"Bitch—"

"Adora!" Raymond raised his voice. "Go—now."

He leaned in and kissed her, then motioned for her to leave. Reluctantly, she backed away and took the stairs. Raymond stepped out onto the front porch and closed the door.

"What, Pasha? What did you have to say that was so important it could—"

I hauled off and slapped the shit out of him will all my might. He stumbled backward, his body hitting the door with a thud. When he realized what had transpired, he tried to come at me, but I raised my foot and kicked him as hard as I could in the groin. That took him to his knees.

"You bitch..." He seethed through gritted teeth.

I stood over him and bent down. Grabbing his face, I forced his eyes to meet mine.

"I... fucking... hate you. I hate you for all the mean and nasty things you said to me. I hate you for making me hate myself. I hate you for making me grieve the loss of our son alone! I gave you the best of me, and when my best wasn't up to your standards, you discarded me like trash. You used me until you couldn't use me anymore. I was your wife,... your wife, Raymond. Through sickness and health, until death do us part. That's what you promised me! Where were you when I needed you? Where were you when I needed a shoulder to cry on? A listening ear? Comfort from my fucking husband? I was dying inside, and you were out here sticking your dick in other women and getting them pregnant!"

I slapped him again.

"Do you know how many times I wanted to take my life and end it all? That's how bad my depression was, and you did nothing to make things better for me! I catered to you day and night for years. I fed you, cleaned your house, and washed your dirty drawers. I gave you my body when I didn't even feel like it, and you, in turn, made me feel like my body was disgusting. This is the same body that tried to carry four of your children! This is the same body that was poked and prodded with needles for fertility treatments to bear you a child. How dare you shame me. How dare you disrespect me!"

"You were weak!" he spat, shoving me away. He climbed to his feet and towered over me as he glared at me. "I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on you. You were nothing but a young girl trying to play a woman's game with an older man. You were the perfect submissive, and it was so easy to make you one."

I shoved him, but it did nothing but cause him to laugh.

"You want the truth, right? That's what you came here for, right? You want to get some shit off your chest. Don't grow a backbone now, Pasha. That man has you feeling yourself. He gave you a little bit of confidence, and you thought it would be a good idea to come over to my house!"

He backed me down the steps.

"Look at you. You're nothing. You don't have shit, and you will never be shit. As soon as he leaves you, you'll be back to your same old, tired, depressed self. I'm sure you'll find something to eat your way through it like you always do. Who knows, maybe this time, you'll actually have the nerve to take the coward's way out. You cut off your family. Your parents are dead, and so is your son. Who would really miss you?"

I saw red.... Burning, hot, fire red. If I could get away with murdering him where he stood, I would gladly do it. The smirk on his face as the last words left his mouth made my blood boil. I looked down at the bricks lining the driveway. It would be so easy to pick up one and smash it into his head over and over until there was nothing but bloody brain matter splattered across the lawn.

But I couldn't do that. He'd already stripped me of so much. I wouldn't allow him to rob me of my freedom too. I stepped toe-to-toe with him.

"The hell you wished for me is the one you will burn in, Raymond. I promise you that. You can tear me down and try to hurt me with your words, but that says more about you than it ever will about me. You are insecure. You get off on being a narcissistic son of a bitch because it somehow makes up for what you lack. You are selfish and heartless, and you will never be deserving of real love or happiness. One of these days, you'll get what's coming to you. You'll reap what you sow."

I backed away from him and returned to my car with his laughter and obscenities ringing in my ears. I fought back the tears stinging my eyes. He wouldn't be the cause of another tear—not from me. I almost let the devil use me to do his dirty bidding. My mother always told me that injustice never profited. Raymond may have won this battle, but he was waging a war against his own karma.

When I got back to my apartment, I walked in to the girls sitting on my couch, worried looks on their faces. The moment the door opened, they all jumped to their feet.

"Where have you been!" Avyn yelled at me. "You just left! No note, no text,—no nothing! You left your phone here. Anything could have happened to you, Pasha."

"I want to be alone," I stated, hanging up my keys.

"No, you don't need—"

"I want to be alone!" I screamed. "I love y'all, but I need peace and quiet and time to myself right now! Please, get out!"

They looked at me like I was crazy, and maybe I was crazy. But I needed this. I needed time to process the surge of emotions flowing through me. I didn't want to blow up at them. I didn't want to be comforted. I just needed to feel it. I spent too much time burying my feelings deep inside myself. If I didn't feel every bit of this starting right now, I was going to fall right back into my depressive state. I couldn't afford that.

I cleared my throat. "I apologize for yelling. I promise, on my son, I will text you and let you know I'm okay. I just... I need to be alone. Please, understand that."

A look of reluctance filled their faces. Quietly, they gathered their things and headed for the door.

"I'll put in some vacation time for you at work," Avyn said. She turned back once she was on the other side. "We love you, Pasch. Remember that."

She didn't give me a chance to respond before she closed the door. I looked around the now-empty apartment. I was alone,... just like I was used to being.