50. Chapter 50

Chapter 50

Meetings, Star Trek, and interrupted dates.

I lay on the couch, sated from my and Fyn’s earlier fun, but tension vibrated in my muscles. I didn’t like being alone, which was weird. I used to be alone all the time, but now, I needed Fyn here. All the time. I felt like I would disappear or become a ghost if someone didn’t assure me they saw me and that I was alive. Though part of me still hated being alive.

My brain was a mess.

A face suddenly appeared on the monitor in front of me, making me start. Wings sprawling, I half fell off the couch as I scrambled to get away. A pot crashed off the shelf, and I whimpered.

“It’s me, Caleb,” Edith said.

“Fucking hell,” I whispered, hand over my racing heart. “Don’t suddenly pop up,” I said in English.

“I’m sorry.”

I glanced at the broken pot that held a seedling. I broke another one. My inner fire came in spurts, usually when I was experiencing powerful emotions. No one had started teaching me to control it yet because I wasn’t particularly strong, and I already had so much going on.

“How are you?” she asked.

I started to clean up the mess I’d made and answered, “Better, though not great.”

“That, I believe, makes sense. I have been researching your situation, and the human medical texts have not provided a satisfactory result. You do not have body dysmorphic disorder in the traditional sense nor do you have body dysphoria. Then again, I lack the credentialing or experience to make an official diagnosis.”

“Ghosts don’t go into brain-dead bodies on Earth as far as I’m aware,” I remarked.

“True. That is why I searched for another species that might have something similar to you.”

I paused, shards of pottery falling to the ground. “Did you find something?”

“The Mosvoye of Mauute. They have a ritual to trade bodies. The consciousness leaves one body and enters another. It is done when they mate. They believe that you can only be truly one if you live in your chosen mate’s body. They trade every year for the rest of their lives. Elderly mosvoye have documented they often forget which body they started in.”

An urge to whip out my tablet and research them raced through me. I wanted to see their planet, live among them, and figure out exactly what made them tick. “Did they have good advice for me?”

“Yes and no,” Edith replied. “This is a natural phenomenon for their species that pre-dates technology or written recordings. But they do extensively talk about the first switch, and how overwhelming it can be. I have already collected the information and sent it to you.”

Tears burned the backs of my eyes, and I wiped them away, heedless of the dirt I was spreading. “Thanks.”

“I wish to help,” she replied quietly.

“I know, and I appreciate your friendship.”

A huge grin crossed her face. “We are friends.”

“We are.”

The door rang, and I waved goodbye to Edith, who gave me a cheeky wink. Fyn had assured me no one from the Ranks or the Council of Seekers would bother me, and I trusted him, so I wasn’t concerned about whoever was on the other side.

“Kal.” I glanced around him. “Where’s Seth?”

“He’s with Wyn and Urgg today.”

I could finally meet Urgg. I should’ve thought about it earlier. I knew we would be great friends.

“You said you liked Star Trek .”

“I do.”

“I have everything Edith got from Earth. Shall we watch it together?”

It was an offer of friendship, one I appreciated, but Kal had hated me since I’d gotten this body, and I needed to know why. “Why?”

“We both like it,” he answered, tail flicking.

“I mean, why don’t you like me anymore? You’ve been distant. You were nice before. Was it because I wasn’t really here?” Shit, I sounded needy, but I refused to take the words back.

Kal ran a hand through his silvery-blue hair. “It’s not that I didn’t or rather don’t like you, Caleb. I do. You are my mate-brother.”

I blinked at the word. I hadn’t heard it before. I assumed it meant something similar to an in-law.

“I am very protective of Zoltilvoxfyn and all of my siblings.”

I knew this.

“He was inconsolable when you… left, were reborn, I’m unsure of how to phrase it. Then you returned, and I feared he would be injured again. There is also the matter of instincts and body language. I know you don’t understand that you are threatening me or my Seth when you growl or extend your wings, but my instincts see you as an outsider who is a potential threat to those who are mine. Logically, I can accept you are Caleb, but it is taking time for me to truly understand that. It was never about you. My apologies. I never intended to hurt you.”

So he, like me and Fyn, was struggling with the newness of everything. I got that. He was protective of his brother. I got that as well. I had two choices: make him work for my forgiveness or move on. I was so damn tired of struggling, and right now, being friends with Kal sounded nice.

This was hard on everyone, and honestly, I wanted to move forward.

“So do you want to watch Star Trek ?” I asked.

He smiled. “I do. Seth doesn’t like it.”

“What? Who doesn’t like Star Trek ?”

“I know. If my mate has a flaw, that would be it.”

We sat on the couch, and I smiled to myself. This. I’d wanted this for so long. Friends, family, and a place to belong. I’d wandered away from home so many years ago, and now, I’d come back. Though it looked different, and I looked different, it was still home.

I entered my parents’ quarters and both Mother and Father were on the couch. Father was reading something on his screen while Mother was rewiring a circuit board. They both looked up at me, and Father’s expression remained the same calm mask he often wore, so similar to the one Dontilvynsan often had, but Mother gave me a tight smile.

This wasn’t going to be a pleasant meeting.

I took a seat on the stools across from the couch. Neither of them spoke, and I remained silent, arms crossed. If they wished for a battle of silence, I would come out the victor.

Eventually, Father asked, “When are you and Caleb officially bonding?”

I couldn’t, not yet. I needed more time to assure myself that Caleb wasn’t going to disappear the moment I lost sight of him. The thought of days, if not weeks depending on how grand Mother and Father wished to make the ceremony, without seeing him or having him by my side was too much to bear. Besides there was the matter of Caleb’s health. He still struggled to stand for long periods and required my help.

No. The official bonding would have to wait.

“Not yet,” I said, but I couldn’t stop my tail from thrashing in agitation.

Mother stood and placed a hand on my chest, above my pounding soul. “You don’t want to be away from him.”

“I can’t,” I whispered.

“I understand,” she replied. “I truly do.”

Father moved to my side and hugged me tight; I allowed the contact, tensing for all of one moment before wrapping my arms around him. He held me tight, and Mother smoothed my hair.

“Your Caleb is not going anywhere,” Father said. “He is going to stay right beside you.”

“You cannot promise that.”

“You are correct,” he said, “but I doubt your mate desires to leave you any more than you desire to leave him.”

That was true. Caleb loved me as much as I loved him.

“Your fear is reasonable, Zoltilvoxfyn. You lost your mate and now have him back. Of course, you wish to stay by his side, but this cannot go on indefinitely.”

I pulled back. “I do not need it to be indefinite. I need it for right now.”

Father said, “For now, then.”

My parents exchanged a glance, and I asked, “What?”

“There has been some unrest,” Mother answered.

“I am aware.” Having a human soul come back to life in a drakcol body was new, and not only that, shocking.

“The Council of Seekers wishes to speak with you because they are curious to see if such a thing can be replicated. The Ranks wish to speak to you and Caleb to find out why he is so special and why the Crystal chose him. The Ranks, of course, oppose the seekers trying to replicate this occurrence, as they believe the Crystal alone could or should do this again.”

I was with the Ranks in this matter. I’d seen how much Caleb was struggling to adjust. While I was grateful my mate was alive and with me, I didn’t think spirits coming back to life in the body of another was a wise thing. Also, how many viable brain-dead bodies were lying around? Not many, I presumed.

“There is a faction of our people,” Father said, “who are displeased that the Crystal placed Caleb, your mate, in Yolkeltod’s body instead of reunifying him.”

Which was why Caleb, I, and hopefully Tinlorray were remaining quiet about the fact Caleb had spoken to Yolkeltod prior to him passing on.

“To flaunt what happened in the face of some of our people’s suffering would not be wise or fair,” he said.

“That is why we are remaining here in the palace,” I replied.

“Yes,” Mother agreed. “Indeed. But when you and Caleb choose to officially bond, we believe it would be far wiser to have a small ceremony over something grand.”

I understood now. When Hallonnixmin took Gilvaxtin officially as his mate, the announcement had been huge and viewable by our people via screens, and they weren’t genetically bonding like Caleb and I would, as they were not Crystal-bound mates. Doing the same right now was insensitive at minimum and cruel at worst.

“That’s fine.” I hated the thought of anything large, and anything sizable would upset Caleb.

Mother and Father both relaxed. “Truly?” Father asked.

“Yes.”

“We love you,” Mother said. I knew that already, and I didn’t need something elaborate when I bound my mate to my side forever to prove that.

I returned to my quarters, eager to see my mate again. When I opened the door, I paused briefly. Kalvoxrencol and Caleb were on the couch together, talking as they watched something on a screen.

“I love this part,” Caleb said, shaking Kalvoxrencol’s arm.

“Quiet,” Pest replied with no bite. They both fell silent before laughing.

Warmth flooded my soul at the sight of my mate and my brother laughing. Caleb was getting rooted in my family with ease, and I knew that this was something he wanted—no needed. He needed to be a part of a family once again, and I was honored he would be a part of mine.

I sat beside my mate and ran my tail over his arm. Caleb shivered, a good one, and leaned toward me. “Hey, Sunshine,” he said. Kalvoxrencol grunted in welcome, tail flicking at me.

“What are you watching?” I asked, trying to understand the humans in colorful uniforms on the screen.

“ Star Trek ,” Caleb replied shortly.

“What?”

“Quiet,” Kalvoxrencol said.

The play, or whatever it was, was confusing. I didn’t understand why my mate or Kalvoxrencol enjoyed it, but both were engrossed. I frowned at Kalvoxrencol. He needed to leave so Caleb and I could go on a date.

“Where is Seth, Pest?” I asked, hoping to distract him.

“With Urgg and Wyn,” he replied.

I fought a growl. I glanced at Caleb and brushed my tail down his spine before coiling around his. I asked, voice low, next to his ear, “How long is this… play going to continue for?”

“It’s a (human word), Sunshine. And for a while.”

He wasn’t hearing the desire in my voice. I didn’t want to keep my mate from having fun, but I also craved time alone with him. I pressed against his side, and Caleb leaned against me. I nuzzled his cheek, but he didn’t react.

I surrendered. I wouldn’t win this battle, so I kept my arms around my mate and let him enjoy his human play.

It was late by the time Kalvoxrencol had left. Seth had eventually come for Kalvoxrencol, and only then did they stop watching their show. Now Caleb was stretched out on the bed, lovely in his bare scales.

I snagged the oil for his skin and started to rub a decent amount on. He moaned, tail coiling around mine before flicking away. I spread a generous amount of the oil on his side, then moved to the exposed skin on his head.

“Did you have fun with Kalvoxrencol?” I asked.

“Yeah. It was nice to watch Star Trek , and there are new ones I haven’t seen, which is awesome. I can’t wait. Kal agreed to watch everything with me.”

I massaged his skin while I inspected for dry spots. “I’m glad you two are getting along.”

Caleb sat up, snagging my hand and pressing it to his chest. My soul sped up. He rubbed my palm on him. “I love you.”

“I love you.”

He lay back down and reached for me. I came willingly and snuggled against his side. His arm wound around my waist, followed by a wing. I trailed my fingers over his chest, and Caleb groaned. His tail tickled my ankle and slid up my leg, creating a fire in its path. The tuft tickled the swell of one of my cheeks, and I planted a firm kiss on his chest, the edge of my mouth brushing his nipple.

“Are you more comfortable?” I asked.

“About?”

“This,” I said, patting his chest that was still far too thin.

“Hmm.” Caleb fisted my hair. “I don’t know. Sometimes I am, and other times, I’m not. Sometimes I feel like this is me, then I see myself in the mirror and I’m… not.”

“You could speak to someone professional about it.”

“Maybe. Edith got me some information I’m going to read.”

I kissed him, licking the scales around his nipple and making him whimper. “Did you want to be husbands?”

“What?”

“Husbands like Kalvoxrencol and Seth.” ‘Husband’ as I understood it was the human equivalent of mate, and Pest and Seth enjoyed the term. I wanted to give Caleb whatever he needed or wanted.

“No, I don’t.”

Pain stabbed me, and I ducked my head so he wouldn’t see it.

Caleb rolled, and I grunted in surprise when he lay on me, his weight nearly crushing me. He bit my chin and met my gaze. “I love being your mate. I want to spend my life, my second life, my next afterlife, whatever time I have with you. But using the word ‘husband’ is too (human word) for me. Some people like it, and that’s great for them, but I don’t.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’m not sure how to explain this in a way you’ll understand. When I grew up, people like me, men who liked other men, couldn’t become husbands by law. We had our own terms. Being called ‘husband’ is too straight presenting for me.”

“I don’t understand why you’re using the word straight.”

“It’s for people who like the opposite gender.”

I was just as confused, but I knew from Kalvoxrencol that not all humans were like us. Most drakcol did not have a sexual preference regarding gender. Occasionally, there were people like Hallonnixmin who were only attracted to women, or Kalvoxrencol who were only attracted to men, or people who were not attracted to anyone.

“I want to be your mate, in every way possible, but I don’t like the word ‘husband.’”

“That’s fine,” I said, and it truly was. I didn’t care if we called each other husbands or not. Caleb was my mate.

“I don’t want children either,” he said. “We never really talked about it, but I don’t want them, Fyn. I swear I will be an excellent uncle to whatever nieces and nephews your brothers have, but children are not something I desire for myself. We should have talked about this sooner. I can’t believe I didn’t bring it up. Why didn’t I bring it up? I should have.”

I covered his mouth to stop his panicking. “I don’t want children either.”

“Truthfully?” he asked against my palm. “You’re not just saying that for me?”

“I’m being truthful.”

“Good.”

We hadn’t had the date I wished for, but this was perfect—just me and him.