38. Chapter 38

Chapter 38

What comes after.

Caleb was gone. There was nothing else to say. I lay in our bed watching the images and videos of him go by on my screen while his message played over and over again on a loop. I’d failed him. Plain and simple. It was my responsibility as a medium to help him move on, and yet I’d kept him here with me because I loved him. I’d failed to protect him as his mate by forcing him to touch the Crystal because I’d been afraid to lose him.

My perfect Caleb had deserved more.

Kalvoxrencol ran a comb through my long hair. I didn’t react. What was the point? When he finished, he settled behind me, arms wrapping around my waist. He nuzzled my back, scent marking, and I didn’t bother to protest, even though I hadn’t allowed anyone to do so since I was a child. Kalvoxrencol was doing it to soothe himself, as he feared losing me.

He and the rest of my family hadn’t left me alone since… since everything.

The one person whose presence I couldn’t bear was Seth. The first time he entered my bedroom, I’d screamed at him to leave before breaking down into a shivering heap. He was what my Caleb should’ve been—human and alive.

Seth had simply left. I’d expected Kalvoxrencol to snap at me, but he let it go.

The door opened, and Hallonnixmin flopped onto the bed in front of me, jostling my screen. I growled at him. Ignoring my protest, Hallonnixmin brushed his claws through my greasy hair and said, “Perhaps you can clean yourself or leave your quarters. The garden is lovely today.”

I didn’t answer.

Yesterday Mother had asked the same thing, and Father the day before. They’d even asked Dontilvynsan to steal my grief for a moment, to give me a chance to breathe without the suffocating emotions, but he couldn’t get close enough to me without it causing him harm; my agony was too much for my elder brother.

All of them, even NAID and Urgg, had tried to get me to leave my quarters, but I didn’t want to. Caleb wasn’t there, so what was the point?

I groaned, voice deeper than I remembered, trying to move. Everything hurt. No, that was an understatement. Agony, clear and simple, wracked me. Still, I struggled to move, twitch, anything. My eyelids were so heavy, though. Eyelids?

Voices spoke in the distance, but they were warbled murmurs like they came from underwater. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. But nothing happened. I was frozen.

Sunshine. Fyn. Zoltilvoxfyn. My mate.

Wait for me. I’ll find you .

“Give it back,” I roared, wings extended and tail thrashing.

“No,” Kalvoxrencol snapped back, keeping my captive screen with Caleb’s message and images on it aloft.

All of my brothers—except Dontilvynsan—Monqilcolnen, my mate-sister Gilvaxtin, and my parents filled the shared space of my quarters. It had been a month since Caleb had been ripped from me, and I couldn’t function. I hadn’t begun to waste away yet, as many drakcol did when their mates died, and my family feared it would start soon, but I welcomed it. I refused to live without Caleb.

He was my reason—for everything.

“You’re not taking care of yourself,” Hallonnixmin said while Gilvaxtin agreed.

“You’re not living,” my mother said.

“Caleb is gone,” I said. How was I supposed to live without his rambling commentary about everything and his bouncing presence beside me?

“You have to live,” Father said. “There is no choice.”

Yes, there was. I could die.

My father continued, “We would like you to speak to Doctor Jalnin.”

“I don’t need him. I need Pest to return my screen before I gut him,” I said, voice dropping. Kalvoxrencol waved me forward, not scared in the slightest by my threat.

Serlotminden stepped closer. “Please, try. For us. You barely eat. You won’t shower. You don’t do anything except look at images of Caleb. You haven’t even stepped outside or visited your greenhouse. Please, Bloom.”

My plants were dead. What did it matter anymore?

I turned away from my family and to me and mine’s bedroom. I would have NAID—Edith—download Caleb’s message and images to another device. My wings fell limp and my tail dragged on the ground.

My family called for me, but I didn’t stop. My limbs were heavy like I slogged through mud, and each breath wasn’t enough. I was slowly suffocating every moment of every day that passed because Caleb was gone. There was no point anymore.

The bedroom door opened, and Kalvoxrencol appeared before me, wings out and light pooling under his scales. I tried to step around him, but he blocked me.

Kalvoxrencol started Caleb’s message. I’d heard it hundreds, if not thousands, of times. I know you’re upset, or at least I hope you are, even a little, because that means I meant something to you. So it sucks. Grief is rough, but you can survive this. You have to. Don’t push your brothers or parents away. Garden. Breathe. Live.

“He loved you, Zoltilvoxfyn. More than anything. Even life. He would not have wanted this for you.” Kalvoxrencol threw the screen on the bed. “Grieving is fine. Grieve for as long as you need. There is no timeframe. But don’t stop living. You’re still here, and you have people who love you. Let us hold you together like you promised.” He gave me one last look before he left.

I fell on the bed, listening to Caleb’s voice as I stared at an image of him grinning. I curled into a ball, my tail wrapping around my calf while my wings hugged my shoulders.

“Caleb, please,” I begged, not knowing what I was asking, but I couldn’t stop the words. I would give anything for him to be next to me again. I would do better, be better, anything; I would do anything to have him back. “Caleb,” I cried, knowing it wasn’t possible.

Zoltilvoxfyn , I repeated like a mantra. I was somewhere dark, unable to move. A heavy weight kept me in one place as distant noise floated in and out of my ears. Pain lived inside my soul and was my closest companion. I was never free of it.

I slipped in and out of awareness, but Zoltilvoxfyn was always in my thoughts. I knew he had to be upset, scared, angry—I didn’t even know, but I needed to see him. A longing existed deep within me, demanding I see him, claim him, and never let him go.

I’m coming , I promised. My fingers wiggled over something smooth. I’m coming, my Sunshine .

Doctor Jalnin sat on a stool across from me in my quarters. His pink hair was perfectly styled, falling into gentle waves to his shoulders. His black clothes were crisp and clean against his gray scales. Unlike me. I was a mess. Physically I was clean, but mentally I was shattered.

We hadn’t spoken much all session. This one or the last. My gaze went to the open window, leaves blowing in the wind. The plants in me and mine’s quarters hadn’t survived. Kalvoxrencol had taken them away. I assumed the same happened to my greenhouse; I hadn’t gone outside to check, though.

Six weeks. The days had blurred together in one giant mass without meaning.

“Have you wept yet?” Doctor Jalnin asked.

“No.” Not a single tear had fallen since I’d been dragged from the sanctuary. The love of my life was gone, ripped apart, and I couldn’t muster a single tear. What was wrong with me? I should have been sobbing and screaming, yet I couldn’t shed one tear.

“I see you bathed.”

“Yes.” I couldn’t manage to say more than a single word, and Doctor Jalnin didn’t press. Often he sat with me in silence, giving my family a break.

“Have you seen Seth Harris?”

My jaw clenched, and I wrapped my tail around my leg. “No.”

I couldn’t. He was human. He reminded me of my Caleb. I glanced at the screen that never left my side. Edith had assured me, multiple times, that she had all of the information backed up, but a part of me worried somehow I would lose it and never hear his voice again.

“Prince Kalvoxrencol has expressed Seth’s interest in seeing you.”

I kept my gaze on the leaves dancing in the wind.

“I’m afraid you’re not dealing with your grief, Prince.”

“My mate is gone. How can I move on? I have no future.” Drakcol mated once. Most mates didn’t outlive each other long. My soul beat for him, and now that he was gone. I had no purpose.

“He is, but you still have things to live for. You are here, Prince Zoltilvoxfyn. You have to find a way to live for yourself.”

That was impossible.

“There are drakcol who survive their mate’s loss. It is not easy, but you can survive this, Prince. You have to choose to, though.”

The session went to its allotted time, and Doctor Jalnin left and Kalvoxrencol returned. My family still didn’t leave me alone at any time, though they were less afraid I would do something regrettable. I wouldn’t harm myself. Caleb would’ve hated the thought of me taking my own life, and my family did need me, even if it was to watch me wither.

My eyes followed the wind in the leaves. I should’ve had the desire to go outside, but I felt nothing. Kalvoxrencol’s tail wrapped around my wrist, and I didn’t even glance at him. He was the one who spent the most time here with me. I should apologize for taking him from his new mate, but I couldn’t muster the words.

He tugged on me. “Let’s go outside. Please.”

I finally looked at my youngest brother. His expression was pinched, his purple eyes tired, and his shoulders slumped. Not managing a response, I got to my feet and allowed Kalvoxrencol to pull me outside.

The balmy sun brushed my scales as the wind ruffled my hair. The fresh air, the vibrant aromas of the flowers, and the loamy soil. Crystal, it had never smelled so good.

Kalvoxrencol’s tail wrapped around mine and we wandered the jungle terrace. My fingers trailed over the rough bark and the smooth flowers, waiting for the normal peace to descend, but it didn’t. I was still numb.

He brought me to my greenhouse, and I balked; everything would be dead inside. I scoffed. So was I. What did it matter?

The door opened, and I froze.

Bright colors and deep greens greeted me. Not a single plant was dead, let alone struggling.

Seth pointed a finger at my grappling fern. “Now see here, Susan, you do not get to eat me. I fed you several bugs.” Scrapes marred his hands from the carnivorous plant. “You’re a monster, Susan. I will give you a damn bug if you leave me alone.”

He lifted a wiggling bug with a pair of tongs. The fern snapped out and grabbed his fingers wrapped around the metal. Seth yelped.

Glaring at the fern and holding his injured fingers to his chest, he said, “You bitch.”

“It can’t understand you.”

Seth whipped toward me, his brown eyes with their round pupils that were so wide and expressive, like my… The sight of Caleb burned in me as tears threatened to spill. I couldn’t say why right now was the time my body decided to release the numbness, but it did. Grief crashed over me in waves, making liquid spill down my cheeks.

Arms wrapping around me, Seth said, “Let it out.”

With heaving sobs, I fell to the ground, dragging Seth with me. He gathered me close.

“I’ve got you,” Seth said. “I have you. I promise I have you, Fyn.”