Chapter 21

TWENTY-ONE

Sabella

After the incident at May's party, I become more isolated. The girls in my class are as rich and entitled as kids in our school can be, but none of them has a bodyguard. The lie I told, that my dad hired Roch to protect me, puts me in a different bracket. My classmates are more guarded around me. Some are jealous.

I still meet them for brunch at the mall or at sport events on weekends, but there's a gap between us. No one is going to invite someone to a party if she has to drag a bodyguard along. They don't want what happens at these parties to get back to their parents. They're doing what many other kids of their age are doing, experimenting with booze and cigarettes and sometimes the occasional drug. A lot of heavy petting is also involved, which is why a bodyguard who throws the hottest boy at the party in the pool for chatting a girl up is unwelcome. That, and our community is conservative. These things aren't supposed to happen. As far as the adults are concerned, they don't. I'm not sure it's ignorance. I think it's more a matter of turning a blind eye. What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over, right?

Also, after the party, May and Colin become an item, which means I see Colin less. May is the only girl at school who is genuinely kind to me. She and Colin always invite me along to the movies or for weekends at her parents' beach condo in Hermanus, but I don't want to be a third wheel.

If it weren't for Pirate, my loneliness would've been complete. To fill the empty hours when I don't have homework to do, I swim out to sea and film the life under water. Every day, I push myself harder and farther. Roch swopped the suit for Bermuda shorts and sleeveless T-shirts. To my dismay, he did get a jet ski, and he's always hovering around, invading even this part of my life, the only place where I can find peace.

Mattie's wedding is in full preparation, and if I'm withdrawn, nobody notices. I try to be a better sister, involving myself in the arrangements. In October, when I finish my final exam, she has her dream wedding on a wine estate in Paarl. Jared has been promoted to junior executive in his father's law firm in Stellenbosch. I'm crying big, fat, ugly tears when my sister's room is emptied into a moving truck and she hugs me tightly and says goodbye.

The house feels horribly empty without her. It hits Mom even harder than me. She's always been closer to Mattie, seeing how much they're alike. At least Dad spends more time at home. He takes Mom out to dinner and to the opera in Cape Town. Now that the stress of organizing Mattie's wedding is over, they're snapping at each other less. When I walk into the kitchen for a snack after returning from the beach, I catch them in an embrace. They jump apart, looking guilty. Mom hurriedly continues to make a shopping list while Dad clears his throat and says he has to tidy the garage.

When the letter confirming my university admission arrives in November, Dad takes Mom and me to a game farm for the weekend to celebrate. On a warm Saturday, Colin, May, and I have a small party for a few friends at Colin's place. For a change, Colin's dad is home from his job that requires constant traveling. Mr. Taylor flips steaks on the barbecue, and Mrs. Taylor keeps the ice tubs filled with soft drinks and water.

While we're having appetizers on the pool deck, Mr. Taylor makes a toast to congratulate us on passing with distinction. Colin and I will start at the University of Cape Town in February. May is entering a college in George to study aesthetics. May and Colin have decided to break off their relationship before Colin leaves for Cape Town, and both of them seem surprisingly casual about it.

While May and I are making a salad in the kitchen, I use the opportunity to bring up the subject.

"Are you okay?" I ask, rinsing lettuce in salted water.

"Sure." She shoots me a smile from where she's dicing tomatoes on the chopping board. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Colin told me."

She scrapes the cubes into a bowl. "That we broke up?"

I drain the water and transfer the lettuce to the salad spinner. "I didn't expect that. You're such a good fit." Turning the handle, I say, "You're perfect for each other."

She shrugs. "I love Colin, but we're young still. I don't want to inhibit him from going out or having fun at uni. That won't be fair."

"Wow." I grab a dishcloth and dry my hands. "That's very selfless of you."

"I want what's best for both of us."

"Aren't you a little sad though?"

"I'm sure I will be." She blows out a breath. "But not today. He's still here, and I intend on making the most of every minute before he leaves."

"Isn't there a way of staying together?" I carry the spinner to the table and implore gently, "Why don't you follow him to Cape Town? Can't you study there?"

She turns to face me. "I could, but Cape Town isn't for me. My life is here. My family is here. This is where I'm happy. I'm not going to sacrifice everything for a man. I don't want to end up resenting him for choices I made for all the wrong reasons." She opens the spinner and starts shredding the lettuce into the bowl. "We each have to follow our dreams."

I lean a hip on the counter. "Isn't being together part of the dream?"

"It's more complicated than that." She dusts her palms and studies me with a tilted head. "Have you never wanted to hit on him?"

"What?" I exclaim. "No. He's like my brother."

"I know the two of you are close. I just want you to know I'll understand if you take things further, seeing that both of you will be attending the same uni."

"We're not into each other like that."

"Just do me a favor." She drizzles dressing over the lettuce and tosses the salad with serving spoons. "Take care of him in Cape Town. I have every intention of living my life to the fullest, and I don't want him to lose out on the best years of his youth because he's waiting for me." She picks up the bowl. "He's chivalrous enough to do that."

"Wait. What do you mean?"

"There are a lot of cute frogs out there, Bella. I owe it to myself to kiss a few before I settle down with a prince." She wags her eyebrows. "Variety is the spice of life."

My hackles rise. "You're not playing with Colin's feelings, are you? He's a good guy, and he cares a lot about you."

She cocks an eyebrow. "Is that what he said? Is he discussing our relationship with you?"

"Of course not. Colin is too honorable to do that. It doesn't take a genius to figure it out. I've seen how he is with you. You're not just a fling to him. He's serious about your relationship. I hope you're being as honest with him as you're being with me. He's my best friend, and I'd hate for him to get hurt."

"Colin knew what he was getting into when we hooked up. We're at the verge of starting our lives. He can't expect me to tie myself to one man when I'm not even twenty."

"That's obviously not how he feels."

"You know how he is. He's always too serious." She heads for the door. "Bring the salt, will you?"

"What if he's the one? Aren't you worried you're throwing something special away?"

"How can I know he's the one if I haven't tried others?" She adds from over her shoulder, "You should follow my example. You're the only senior in school who hasn't gotten her v-card stamped."

Indignation burns on my cheeks. "You don't know that."

"Oh, come on. You have a bodyguard, for heaven's sake. Everyone knows you've never even kissed a boy."

"That's not true," I say, but my words are lost on her. She's already left the room.

Colin enters the kitchen and makes his way over to the fridge. "We need more ice." He takes a bag from the freezer compartment and throws it at me. "Here. Make yourself useful."

I catch the bag on autopilot. Do I tell him what May said? Surely, if they broke up, he already knows.

"Hey," I say. "You're all right, aren't you?"

He pops a carrot in his mouth and crunches down. "Yeah." Taking another bag of ice, he walks to the door. "Come on. Meat's done. Grab the napkins on your way out."

I gather the salt and the napkins, thinking about how our lives are changing. May will stay in town but date other guys, and Colin will move into the apartment his parents are renting for him in Cape Town. Their paths seem so certain. May knows exactly what she wants. So does Colin. I, on the other hand, am still battling to project myself in five years from now. Except for wanting a degree and to find a job, I have no idea where I'll settle.

What does the future have in store for me? I don't even know where I'm going to stay in Cape Town. Dad is tight-lipped about my accommodation.

As the days roll by and he makes no effort to contact rental agencies, I suggest moving into a student dorm, but he says it will be better if I stay with Ryan and Celeste. The prospect makes me very happy. I've seen too little of my nephew. Bradfield had colic when he was little, and he's a bad sleeper. My brother and his wife are always tired, therefore visiting us even less than before.

I'm not sleeping well either. I can't remember the last time I had eight hours of uninterrupted rest. It's not only the workload of school and the prospect of going to university that keep me up. It's the approach of my eighteenth birthday. The closer the day gets, the more apprehensive I become. I have no reason to believe Angelo will show up. His text and voice messages eventually dried up around June.

His silence can mean many things. Maybe he realized I was serious about ignoring his messages. Maybe he was just messing with my head and got tired of the game. Or maybe he met someone and lost interest in tormenting me.

I wish it was that easy for me to move on. I've never had the courage to show interest in another guy again. Every time I consider making advances, my throat closes up and I feel an anxiety attack coming on. Rather than making a fool of myself, I always turn away from potentially flirtatious situations. Things will go better in Cape Town. It's a big city. It's not Great Brak River where I'm constantly reminded of Angelo. Cape Town will be a new start. Everything will change there.

Yet I don't believe that one hundred percent. If I did, I would've long since chucked Angelo's ring in the trash. Instead, it's a permanent fixture on my thumb, a constant reminder of his promise. What it symbolizes dictates my behavior and shrouds my life in fear. I don't understand Angelo's motives. I don't know why he plays this sick game of possession. Only, deep down, I do know the answer. There can only be one reason why Angelo still wants to haunt me.

He wants all my firsts.

The thought is too disconcerting to entertain. Whenever it pops into my mind, I brush it away. The game is over. It has to be. I keep on telling myself that he's moved on and found himself another target, but there's only one way to know for sure.

I'll find out on my birthday.

All my classmates have already turned eighteen. My parents sent me to school one year early, hence, I'm the last one to celebrate the big milestone. The parents tried to outdo themselves with the coming-of-age parties they organized at fancy venues and on yachts in Mossel Bay. I begged my parents not to have another cocktail party at home. I won't be able to live through another night of oysters and champagne with the family while Colin entertains us on my underused piano.

It's Ryan's idea to throw a party at the casino nightclub in Mossel Bay. Isn't everyone eager to show their ID cards for the first time at a club? It's not what I would've chosen myself, but Ryan means well. He hasn't said anything, but after Bradfield's birth, he's started to notice my withdrawal from my friends and the world. My apathetic brother is more perceptive than what I give him credit for.

With some coaxing from Ryan, my parents agree. As the casino is a thirty-minute drive from home and the road is dark at night, their only condition is that we sleep over at the casino hotel. The fact that we're of legal age and, as per the tradition, some alcohol will be consumed, also plays a role in their decision. They're not taking risks with drinking and driving.

My mom says they're too old to accompany a group of youngsters to a nightclub and that she'll feel out of place. The lucky task of babysitting falls on Ryan and Celeste. Celeste will leave Bradfield with her parents for the weekend. Ryan and Celeste are calling him Brad now that he's reached the milestone of walking. My sister-in-law has strange rituals.

Mattie comes home to take me shopping for a dress. Too nervous to be excited about anything, I let her bully me into buying a slick golden dress with spaghetti straps that she pairs with matching heels. It's way too formal and smart for me, but Mattie swears the dress makes me look sophisticated and classy.

I invite Colin, May, and a few guys and girls from town. May can't make it because she's visiting her grandparents in Port Elizabeth. When the big day arrives, Ryan and Celeste fetch me. Colin catches a ride with us. He's chatting to Ryan about his upcoming semester and subject choices at university while I'm staring through the window and biting my nails.

Celeste turns in her seat and slaps my hand. "Don't do that. You're ruining your polish."

I rest my palms in my lap. Celeste paid for my manicure and pedicure. The treat was her birthday gift to me.

Colin shoots me an inquisitive look.

At the casino, he pulls me aside when Ryan books us in. "You're not yourself. Is it him?"

I don't have to ask who he means. Not wanting to spoil the weekend, I say, "You know I haven't heard from him since June. What's he going to do? Show up here?"

"This is your party, Bella, and you're going to have fun."

"Damn right, I am." I don't sound as convincing as I'd like. "It's the stress about going to university and moving out of the house. Celeste isn't ecstatic about me boarding with them."

"She'll get over it." He grins. "Who can't love you?" His expression turns serious. "There's more to it. You're not telling me everything."

I just want to relax and enjoy the party. The burden I've been carrying for the past twelve months is dragging me down a little more with each passing day, and I feel close to hitting rock-bottom.

"You can tell me, Bella. We haven't spent that much time together, lately, but I'm always here for you."

He's right. We don't hang out as much as we used to, but he's still my bestie, the only person I can trust with my terrible secret. Maybe if I share the gnawing fear with someone, the load won't feel so heavy.

"This is going to sound stupid," I say.

His smile is encouraging. "Try me."

Glancing around, I lower my voice. "It's something Angelo said." I bite my lip, considering how to explain.

"About what?"

I take a deep breath before admitting, "About wanting all my firsts."

Colin frowns. "Your firsts? What's that supposed to mean?"

"You know…" I drill the tip of my sneaker into the carpet. "First kisses and everything that go with that."

He reels. "You kissed him?"

My tone turns defensive. "It was only a peck." At the shock and disapproval that pass through his eyes, I add, "It was before I knew he was using me."

"That's why he kissed you?" he asks with disbelief. "Because he wants all your firsts?"

"I don't know," I admit with a frustrated huff. "He told me that morning when he dropped off the gifts for Pirate. He brought it up again on my birthday last year."

"So what's supposed to be next? Your virginity?"

"He didn't say that in so many words. Maybe I'm seeing too much in his meaning. I really don't think he's going to show up this year, but I can't stop being paranoid." My laugh is uncomfortable. "I suppose I'm just nervous about losing my v-card, being eighteen and all. I'm the last virgin left in my class. I hate the teasing. There's all this peer pressure to get your cherry popped."

I can't tell him about the anxiety attacks that prevent me from hooking up with anyone. At this rate, I'm destined to become a nun. I take in the compassionate set of his handsome face. Colin is attractive, hot, and kind. We've known each other since forever. He's practically single, and next month, he'll be a bachelor again.

An idea takes root.

Before I can lose my nerve, I rush out the words. "Maybe we should just do it and lose our virginity together, you know, as friends, and then I won't have to stress about it."

He stares at me quietly.

"I don't mean now," I say, ploughing on. "I mean when we're in Cape Town and you're no longer with May. I know we're not into each other in that way, but?—"

He interjects with a soft-spoken declaration. "I'm not a virgin, Bella."

The statement takes me aback. I'm at a loss for words. I thought Colin and I shared everything, but I guess we've grown more apart than I imagined. Why does that notion hit me so hard?

When I finally find my tongue again, I say, "Oh. I'm sorry. I just assumed?—"

"There's nothing to be sorry about," Colin says good-naturedly.

Ryan turns and waves me over.

"Was it with May?" I ask.

"Does it matter?"

Of course Colin won't speak out of the bedroom. He's too much of a gentleman. It's so typical of him to protect a girl's honor.

"Um, no." I hook my hair behind my ear. "I didn't mean to pry."

He smiles, letting me know I'm forgiven. "I'm not going to sleep with a girl if there's nothing long-term for us in the cards." He deals the rejection gently. "That's not who I am. Do you understand?"

"Sure," I stammer.

"Our rooms are ready," Ryan calls.

"Come." Colin walks ahead, leading the way. "I'll carry your bag. I'm sure you'd like to hang out your dress."

I follow like a sleepwalker, feeling the gorge between Colin and me stretching. Feeling that I don't know him anymore. That I've fallen off the bus somewhere along the way. Feeling for the first time that we're not kids any longer. And for some strange reason, I'm lonelier than ever.