Chapter 32

THIRTY-TWO

Angelo

Iwake up at the first light of day in my bed with my wife in my arms. Her place was always here. It was always my intention to make love to her between the sheets in which I dreamt of discovering her body. I wanted to conceive our baby here. Instead, it happened somewhere else, in a place of banishment. It ended there too, in a place of lonely solitude. Sabella lost the life of our baby with no one near to save or console her. She almost died alone.

The thought rips though me like a bullet, heating up my insides with hot anguish every time I dare to think about it. And I often do. The flaying of my soul is fair punishment.

I made my vow to Sabella, but I swear to myself as I hold her close that nothing will ever happen to her again. I was a fool. I can't say I'm wiser now, but I'm fucking determined. I'm like a bull with tunnel vision, seeing nothing but the red flag waving in front of me. I'll destroy anyone who dares to come near her. I'm still barreling head-on down this road I took when I put my mark on her body, but it's no longer a path that leads to destruction. For the first time since Sabella walked into a church to marry Colin, I see a different future for us than hatred.

I see hope.

A family.

The kids that wormed their way into my heart.

A baby of our own again. In good time. When she's ready.

I tighten my arms around her, careful not to hurt her. Since I slipped into bed next to her, I held onto her as if she'd burst like a bubble and escape my hold, as if she was a fragile glass bauble that would crack under my grip.

There's a ton of shit between us. I'm not optimistic enough to believe she'll forgive me. I don't mind her blame and grudges. I deserve those sentiments. But we are moving on, already carving a new future from the ashes of yesterday, and that's a lot more than I could've hoped for. That's enough for me, enough to make this work.

Closing my eyes, I tune everything out, all the darkness and pain and bitter regret, and breathe her in. I drag the scent of her cherry blossom shampoo and clean skin into my lungs. She didn't want me to help her in the shower. I understood she needed to do that alone. So I lurked in the shadows of the bathroom, feeling as if a beast had stuck his claws into my chest and ripped out my heart as I watched her scrub her skin raw. I died again like I did there in the mountains when I took a stranger's call. Over and over, I die when I relive that scene. I die every time I look at Sabella's face. I die every time I see her pain. But that's a good thing. Every time my soul dies, the monster rises a little stronger from death. And that's what Sabella needs. A monster who'll slaughter anyone who threatens her. A man who can protect her. A husband worthy of her.

I home in on her, on her even breathing and the warmth of her skin. On the miracle of having her back. Alive.

God.

How easily it could've been different. If Sabella wasn't as strong as she is, I could've stood next to her grave this very moment, pressing a kiss on the cold wood of a coffin instead of on her neck. I've been so self-absorbed, so consumed with my hatred and vengeance that I couldn't see the truth even if it stared me right in the face.

I would never have been able to banish her to a corner of the graveyard to rest there on her own. I'd sooner climb into that coffin with her and kill myself, because God knows, I can't bear the thought of being separated from her. Not in life. Not in death. Not fucking ever. The bonds that tie us are too strong. Our bond was cast with tears and blood and sealed with hatred. It was nurtured with obsession and flogged with love. Those bonds are the strongest. The bonds forged in fire are unbreakable. It binds souls for eternity. It carves a single destiny into two hearts. I've been running in circles, going nowhere, but my path brought me back to where I was always supposed to be. Back to the beginning. To her.

She's my destiny.

Sabella stirs. She exhales laboriously. The tightening of her muscles tells me she's back in that dark place in her dreams. When she starts fighting my hold, I loosen my arms lest I injure her.

"Cara." I kiss her temple. "Wake up. You're safe. You're here with me."

She stills. Goes quiet. Her body turns slack.

I whisper a promise in her hair. "It'll get better."

It's all I have to give her, all I can offer. A dead man's hand on a sparkling bed of crushed ice. A feeble promise.

Fuck.

I wish I could take this away for her.

She turns and winces. "It was just a dream."

For her benefit, I smile. "I know."

Lifting her hand, she cups my cheek as she looks deep into my eyes. "Do you dream?"

Like this? "No."

Her reply is wistful. "I wish I was more like you."

I take her wrist and kiss her palm. "You don't want to be me. You're perfect."

A war rages in her eyes. "Am I?"

I know what the life I dragged her into did to her. I know what bothers her. "You'll always be perfect to me."

"No matter how I change?"

"No matter how you grow," I agree.

The answer seems to appease her. She relaxes, her body sinking deeper into the mattress.

The house is still quiet. We have precious little time. Soon, it will be filled with the voices of the children and the preparation for school with Heidi rushing everyone to have breakfast and to get dressed. Yet I don't resent it. I love it. It's what I wanted—to fill this old house with the voices of living people again. It's a gift Sabella gave me for which I'll always be grateful. I built the new house for my mother, but it was a gift of brick and mortar. Sabella is the one who gave my mother her family back. I think my mother is very pleased as she looks down on us. At peace. That's why I told Heidi to open all the rooms and air them in preparation for the visit. It's time to let the ghosts out and to welcome the living.

"Angelo?" Sabella says, sounding uncertain. "What are you thinking? You look far away."

The sound of my name on her lips tears through me with the force of a grenade. I never knew that joy and pain went hand in hand, that the greatest joy hurt with the deepest pain.

I trace her jaw with a finger, taking in her beautiful face…the marks that will heal. "I was just thinking about you."

"Liar," she says, a smile softening her honey-brown eyes.

A commotion sounds in the hallway. The door flies open, and four bodies clad in pajamas pile through the frame. The kids jump onto the bed, squealing like squirrels.

"Easy now." I hold an arm in front of Sabella's body to prevent them from accidentally falling on her. "What happened to knocking before you come in?"

Sophie grins. "We forgot."

"No more forgetting." I give Sabella a meaningful look. "We're going to have to lock our door."

"It's all right." Sabella sits up with some difficulty. "I'm not dying. It's just a few broken ribs."

"And healing from a concussion and a hemorrhage," I remind her.

"We wanted to say good morning," Guillaume says.

I sit up next to Sabella and pull him onto my lap. "Now that you have, it's time for breakfast and getting ready for school."

He makes a face. "Do we have to go?"

"Yep." I ruffle his curls. "It's best to get back in the saddle sooner than later. We don't want you to miss too many lessons."

He sighs as if the world rests on his shoulders.

"When are we going to buy my mouse?" étienne asks.

"We can go to a pet shop in Bastia this weekend, but you first have to ask Sabella if she's okay with having a mouse in the house."

"You're okay, Sabella, aren't you?" étienne asks with a hopeful air. "Mice are very cute. You'll see."

"I'm perfectly fine with that," Sabella says. "As long as you clean his cage every day and make sure he always has food and water."

"I promise," étienne says, bouncing on his knees.

"Can I get a puppy this weekend?" Sophie asks.

I chuckle. "That takes a bit more organizing. We first have to decide what kind of puppy you want, whether you want to adopt one from a shelter or go on a waiting list with a breeder, and if the dog is suitable for living indoors with a family and other pets."

She clasps her hands together. "I want to adopt one so that he can have a home, just like you adopted me, Angelo."

"Then it can happen quicker." I lower Guillaume to his feet. "We'll talk about it on the way to school. Breakfast first, otherwise we'll be late."

Johan crosses his arms. "What about my snake?"

"No," étienne cries out. "It'll eat my mouse!"

"Enough of that for now," I say. "Out you go."

They hop off the bed and drag their feet to the door.

When they're gone, Sabella asks, "Isn't it too early to send them back to school?"

"Their psychiatrist said it's better to get them back into their routine as quickly as possible. She reckons it's not good for them not to be able to talk about what happened, so I'm not expecting them to keep it a secret. I just asked them not to broadcast it at school. I think they understand what's at stake. Johan certainly does. He's intelligent and worldly enough to know I'd never let the men who took them get away with their lives."

"Still, he's only a child."

"He'll be a man sooner than you think."

"You're good to them. They're lucky to have you. You made the right decision."

"See? I did consult an expert this time."

Her lips curve. "I'm proud of you."

"Ah. There's hope for me yet."

"What about the snake?" she asks with a hint of amusement. "Are you going to get him one?"

I sigh. "Maybe not a boa. Perhaps a harmless garden snake in a reptile cage." Leaning over, I kiss her cheek. "But first, I'm getting you breakfast."

"Won't you run late? I can walk, you know."

"No." I make my voice stern. "The doctor said bedrest for at least two weeks."

"Talking about doctors, how is Roch doing?"

"He was discharged yesterday."

I tense, not sure how to tell her the news without hurting her. She'll be happy for Roch and his girlfriend because that's just who she is, but it's going to twist the blade in deep. I know because I still feel that pain where it matters.

Alarm transforms her features. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing." I try to smile but it's stiff and unnatural. "They're expecting a baby."

As I feared, a landslide of hurt flashes through her eyes. It lasts only for a millisecond before joy replaces it, but I notice. The tears that make those dark pools glisten rip me apart.

I take her hand. "Sabella."

She pulls away and says in a too high voice, "I'm so happy for them. That's wonderful news."

That blade drives all the way through my heart. I have nothing to offer that can console her, nothing but my inadequate words. "I'm sorry." Two words I never meant more in my life.

She wipes the back of her hand over her eyes. Like mine, her smile is stilted. "It's fine."

Nothing can be further from the truth, but I get it. She doesn't want to talk about it.

"You better get ready, or you'll be late," she says.

I understand this unspoken message too. She wants to be alone.

"Go," she says, sniffing as she shoves me playfully. "And if you speak to Roch before I do, please tell him I say congratulations."

"You can tell him yourself." I drag myself away from my wife and get out of bed. Pulling my T-shirt over my head, I make my way to the dressing room. "He won't be going back to teaching for at least another week. He wanted to check in on you."

"I'd like that."

I grab a clean outfit and head for the shower even though the distance I put between us goes against every grain of my being.

"I'll be quick," I say, keeping my tone upbeat. "Can you wait five minutes, or is your belly demanding to be fed without delay?"

"Five minutes." She grins. "But not a second longer."

"You can hold me to it," I say with a lightness I don't feel.

Because I want Sabella. I crave her when I can't touch her until she's healed. I want to take her in my arms and caress every part of her bruised and broken body. I want to cover every inch of her skin with my kisses. I want to erase what they did to her with my touch. I want to wipe that memory from her mind.

But when I close the bathroom door behind me, I know it's too early. I know she's not ready. That's why she needed to shower alone. That's why I wore a T-shirt and pajama bottoms to bed. And I'm afraid she may never be ready again.