26. Yuri

Tears again.

I hate a woman's tears.

Katya's tears are different this time because I was the sole reason, causing her pain. Why the hell was I the way I was? Everything I was, everything I turned myself into, the foundations, the absolute bedrock of my personality did this.

People can change but I would have to change my 90% not my 10%. If I could change that much, I'd be unrecognizable to her but maybe she would still love me?

It's not even worth thinking about. But she deserves honesty. She deserves my honesty and my bravery because she's given me everything she has.

Watching her cry, I felt like somebody cut me open and was poking and prodding all the tender parts inside me. For everything amazing that she was, she was also childish at times. A royal pain in my ass, but she was not the type of person who cries at the drop of a hat. And she was trying very hard not to cry in front of me right now. That was clear. But the tears were winning out. The vulnerability there, the bravery it took to be so vulnerable moved me. The tears began to overtake her body and shook her as she cried. They kept rolling harder the more she tried to fight them back, and the more she wiped them angrily. I got up and walked towards her slowly, brushed her hair from her face and took her in my arms, pressing her wet, weepy face against my chest and the crook of my neck.

“Know that I love you. Know that I have loved you since you were a child. Know that I'm not the type to love more than once in my life. Know that you're the only one. Know whatever happens. But you also know why I can’t give in to that. You know why. I can't risk you being in danger and my enemies using you to get to me. Hurting you to hurt me. You’re my vulnerable spot, my soft pink underbelly that if people like Petya see it, they’ll go after it. I can't walk around and lead a Bratva and be that vulnerable. You know that in your heart of hearts.”

She tried harder to accept it. She held me tighter and stayed there until her breathing calmed and any tears falling were the silent ones. It was heart breaking but necessary. I took her chin between my thumb and index finger and tilted her face up and bent my head down to slant my mouth over hers with a deep, hungry kiss that tried to reach that part in both of us that hurt so God damned much. We had very little time together like this and there was no use thinking about forever of the rest of our lives— this was it, and we could either enjoy it for what it was or spend our last moments mourning something that wasn’t dead yet.

I kissed her like I was trying to wipe out the pain in her eyes and in her heart and in both of our souls. Trying to savor every moment with her like this. I had little ego left to lose. She had my pride too.

I took her to the bed and turned on the light on the night table, “So that I can see every inch of you while I fuck you,” I told her.

I sat on the bed and held her hips while she stood just in front of me. She wanted to bend down and kiss me again, but I held her back and undressed her slowly, pulling her panties down past her ass, down the slender thighs, and around her ankles, then lifted her foot to take them off completely. I folded them carefully and placed them on the nightstand.

She stood there, self-consciously in only her babydoll nightgown, her knees bent together tentatively, waiting for me.

“Keep this little flimsy thing on,” I told her, rolling the gossamer fabric through my fingers and tugging it down. “I'm not ready to have you naked quite yet.”

I placed my hands firmly on her hips, guiding her onto the bed and leaned her back against the headboard, then opened her knees as I crawled up between them to her. My fingertips trailed over her body as I kissed her again, climbing up her to taste her mouth, her ears her jaw down to her throat the hollow between her neck and collarbones. Then down to her breasts and nipples until she moaned. She tried to shrug off the night gown, but I stopped her, held her still.

My hand reached down between her thighs to stop her from saying anything. I wanted her moans and her grunts and that was all I wanted right now.

I brought my mouth up to her lips again while my hand was between her thighs. My index finger probed, found her clit and I felt her body jolt as I brushed the knub under my thumb and felt that low whimper in her throat.

She broke the kiss, her head rolling back, her body urging me to touch more of it.

I could feel her skin warming, her stomach muscles clenching, sweat starting to pill on her skin. Her breasts tight, nipples pebbling. I know exactly when she can’t stand it any longer. That's when I replaced my thumb with my tongue on her clit.

“I want you inside me right now. Right now,” she begged me, a command. I couldn’t help but laugh. A real laugh tumbling out of me shaking my chest.

“Whatever you say,” I say to her pussy, then do as she says.

I pull the nightgown off her and grab her by the hips top pull her down supine on the bed until she was underneath me and my cock pressed against her entrance. Her eyes flipped open, the dull pleasure haze washing out of them to lock onto my eyes.

“I love you,” she says boldly, not hiding anything from me now. “I needed to tell you that and for you to know that. That's all.,” she closes her eyes and turns her face away as I entered her.

“I love you,” she says surer of herself this time. Grabbing my hips, pulling me into her.

She was in control and followed her, guiding me to the rhythm. She wanted all of me, moaning every few moments those words again, ‘I love you,’ as a surrender. She kept saying it.

The tears rolling down her cheeks. And again she got to me in that deep, secret place inside me no one had ever touched. However long we had together, it was going to be like this. She was mine and I was hers and nothing would ever stop that. I didn't even notice that I was crying too until it was done and I collapsed on the pillow next to her and wiped my eyes as everything had turned blurry.