Chapter 37

THIRTY-SEVEN

Cooper

It takes three days before I can get back to Hiskale.

There’s a lot of red tape, both with the State Department and the military. Thank goodness for Daniil, who navigates it all at my side expertly. I know him as the low-key prince who dabbles in politics. I didn’t realize he’s become a formidable statesman who knows his way around governments. And not just his own.

I haven’t done anything wrong, but the military wants to know why this happened, how Yusef found me, and though they don’t straight up admit to there being an information leak with regard to Fatima and the others, they hint at it. We go round and round for a full day before Daniil puts his foot down, says I’ve been through another round of torture and need to rest, and that we’re going back to Hiskale. He’ll make me available for any further follow-up that’s needed, but my separation from the military needs to be expedited. Period.

It was amusing to watch him wheel and deal, and I say so on the flight home.

“Eh, sometimes you just have to massage their egos while simultaneously fucking them in the ass.”

I snort out a laugh. “Not sure I understand the analogy, but let’s go with that, yeah.”

He looks over at me, studying my face. “Are you ready for what’s waiting for you?”

“Of course.” I pause. “I mean, I think so. If we’re talking about the same thing.”

“You’ve earned your place with us, and you’re welcome to stay. I fervently hope you do. But you understand Natalia is gone, yes?”

I cock my head. “What do you mean, she’s gone?”

“She took an indefinite leave of absence. She’s up in Vinake, but there is no timetable for her return. She’s not on vacation.”

“What?!” I gape at him. “Why wasn’t I told? What the hell is going on?”

“You were a little busy. And this is why we worry about our Protectors pairing up,” he says quietly. “Not because you’re not adults and professionals. Not because we don’t trust you. But because love gets messy. And we can’t afford messy. Not now, when we’re still so understaffed.”

“You’re saying she might not come back.”

“The way I understand it, she told Joe she didn’t know if she could do this anymore. Something about fear and anxiety and being unsure she can handle the stress of people she cares about being in constant danger. She was also upset that she was the only one who didn’t know the plan when you left.”

That sounds like Natalia, but it doesn’t.

That’s soft, vulnerable Natalia who only whispers those kinds of things in the dark of the night, usually right after I’ve made love to her.

Daylight Natalia is the most badass woman I know.

That’s one of many reasons I fell in love with her.

And I hate that I’ve done this to her.

Made her doubt herself.

“That’s because of me,” I say sadly. “And if we have to make a choice as a couple, it should be her. I have a ton of options. There’s no lack of opportunity for me. But this is all she wants. No matter what she’s saying, I know in her heart of hearts, all she wants is to be a Protector. She needs this, and if my being on the team makes her afraid, I’ll back out.”

He nods. “I understand and appreciate that, but from what I’ve heard, it’s not just about you. She’s struggling with something. It started right after she got shot. Back then it was barely noticeable, and we all thought she’d get past it. And she was. Then Logan was killed, and she spiraled. But again, we thought she’d get through it. When she insisted she wanted to go to Iraq as planned, we were cautiously optimistic.

“Sandor worried, that’s why he wanted you to watch her more carefully than you normally would, but she seemed to flourish there. She spiraled a bit when you were taken prisoner, but she started seeing Dr. Saluga and everyone thought she was making progress.

“I assume this emotional backslide has something to do with your leaving and us keeping her out of the loop. She was angry about it on the flight back from Paris, when we had our meeting without her, and now I’m sure she feels like she’s not trusted. And I suppose she’s partly right.” He shakes his head. “But it’s not that we don’t trust her—she wouldn’t get within ten feet of Casey and Levi if that were the case—but it’s more that she doesn’t trust herself. She’s begun second guessing herself, which is dangerous. I think she finally realized it.”

Then she made a unilateral decision and left without giving me a head’s up.

Very much like what I’d done.

“We apparently suck at communicating,” I say after a moment. “And I don’t know how to fix it. Is it fixable?”

“Only you can answer that when it comes to the personal stuff. Professionally, she has to be a million percent sure this is what she wants to do. If she has doubts, concerns, anything at all that might prevent her from focusing on the job, then she can’t take the oath to become a Royal Protector.”

“Didn’t she sign a five-year contract?”

“Yes, and there will be some financial implications if she backs out, but Sandor’s goal with those contracts isn’t to bankrupt a woman who got PTSD from taking a bullet for Princess Elen. We’ll work something out if she truly isn’t willing to come back.”

“I don’t think I can be one if she isn’t,” I admit quietly.

He seems thoughtful. “We’d hate to lose you both, but I understand. You’ll do what’s best for you. Erik doesn’t want anyone on the team who finds it burdensome to make that kind of sacrifice.”

“Have you ever had to choose your duty over love?”

Daniil’s eyes are suddenly shrouded, as if I touched upon something painful. “More than once,” is all he says. “And it sucks. I don’t recommend it.”

I lean back in my chair and try to think.

Natalia is my priority.

As much as I want to be a Royal Protector, I’ll give it up if it means being with her. But the only jobs I’m truly qualified for are dangerous. I could ride a desk at the NSA, but I’d be miserable, and she has to know that about me.

Sadly, I don’t know where that leaves us.

Or what I’ll do if she doesn’t love me enough to compromise.

* * *

Our room seems empty without her in it, and nothing more so than our bed.

I can see that clothes are missing from the closet and her drawers, her duffel bag is gone, and the bathroom counter is bare, all makeup and hair products missing.

Almost like she’s not planning to come back.

Fuck.

I stare up at the ceiling a long time.

I tried to call her several times today and it went straight to voicemail every time, indicating she’s turned off her phone. I’m struggling with the idea of a break-up. Is that what this is? Is she just done with me and everything here in Hiskale? Or is this just her taking some time to get her head together?

It’s been a stressful year for her, so I don’t begrudge her the time, but it bothers me that she’s shutting me out.

Even though I sort of did the same damn thing.

I don’t know how to apologize or what I’m apologizing for.

All I know is I’m hollow and empty without her. I can function, and tomorrow I’ll take my duty shift in the surveillance room, but the excitement is gone. There’s just a strange feeling of nothingness now.

Because without her, nothing makes any sense.

She completes the missing pieces of me, pieces I never realized weren’t there.

So if that means apologizing for something I don’t believe I did wrong, I will.

It’s the middle of the night but something tells me she’s awake. Her phone might still be turned off, but she has to turn it on eventually. I know her well enough to know she’ll want to keep up with Lucianna and the baby, and she’ll worry about what’s going on at the palace.

COOPER: Hey, baby. I know you’re mad at me, and I’m sorry if I hurt you. You know that wasn’t my intention, right? You and me, we have something special, and I need you to know I meant what I said in that text. That I love you. That I’m in love with you. Please, can we talk?

To my surprise, I see the notification that my message was read.

I hold my breath, hoping beyond hope that she’s going to answer, but she doesn’t.

Damn.

So I send another message.

COOPER: Won’t you at least let me know that you’re okay?

That gets her.

I see the three little dots indicating that she’s responding.

NATALIA: You didn’t offer me the same courtesy, but I’m fine. Staying with my parents for a while. Please don’t text again. I’ll reach out when I’m ready.

Ouch. That stings.

I’ll reach out when I’m ready.

So she’s not as mad as she is hurt.

That was never my intention.

But what’s done is done.

Now I have to come up with a plan on how to get her to forgive me.

A stop at a jewelry store, a meeting with Sandor to get a couple of days off, and then a road trip to Vinake.

Where I’m going to have to grovel.

And I will.

Whatever it takes.