Chapter 34

THIRTY-FOUR

Natalia

I sit straight up in bed, my heart racing and sweat pouring off me.

Dammit.

It’s only been a few days, but I’ve had nightmares every night since Ryan left, and it feels like I’m spiraling.

Tonight’s was the worst one yet, and everything inside of me is screaming that something is wrong. He left without a word and I’m furious about that, but I’ll deal with that—and him—when we get him back here.

Until then, I’m terrified for him, and nothing helps.

It takes forever to fall asleep, and when I do, I’m wracked with nightmares. Images of Logan. Images of the torture Ryan described to me when we talked about what happened to him in Iraq. Images of all the Royal Protectors being murdered and tortured and abused. It’s gotten to a point I’m afraid to close my eyes.

Earlier tonight, I succumbed to pure exhaustion, but it’s three in the morning and now I’m wide awake. There’s no chance I’m getting any more sleep, so I text my sister. The baby hasn’t been sleeping well either, so if she’s up, I’ll go watch the baby and let her rest. No reason for both of us to be awake.

LUCI: I’m awake. She sleeps all day and then she’s up all night. I can’t seem to get her on a schedule.

NATALIA: On my way. I’ll get her and bring her back to my room so you can rest.

LUCI: Don’t you have to work?

NATALIA: Not at three in the morning.

I get dressed and head to Luci’s room, which is at the end of the hall. She opens the door with a very fussy little Ryann in her arms.

“Didn’t anyone tell you we sleep at night?” I ask Ryann, taking her from Lucianna.

Lucianna snorts. “Not hardly. Come on in. It’ll take me a few minutes to settle down anyway.”

“Okay.” I walk in and sink into a chair by the window. The room she’s in is nice, much like mine, but with an alcove she’s using as Greta’s room. It’s meant to be a separate sitting room, but this is perfect so Greta can hopefully sleep more soundly when the baby is fussy.

There’s also a more comfortable chair than anything in my room, for Lucianna to use when she’s rocking or feeding the baby. Otherwise, she’d spend all her time on the bed or at the small desk, which isn’t efficient.

“How are you feeling?” I ask.

“I’d feel great if not for the lack of sleep. Greta was a much better sleeper than this one, but it’s okay. I have a lot of help.” She pauses. “Thanks to you. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. You didn’t have to do all this.”

“Of course I did. You’re my sister, and I love you. I couldn’t leave you there once you said you were ready to walk away.”

“He’s been blowing up my phone, calling and texting, crying and begging, and then threatening and raging.” She sighs. “I never should have married him, much less had children with him. And now I’m stuck with him forever.”

“You’re not. He’ll always be their father, but he’s not much of one, so it’s no big loss.”

“I still feel guilty.”

I look up warily. “Luci…”

“Not enough to go back,” she adds hurriedly, “but I think about what to tell Greta when she’s older. Why I left her father for my fancy new life.”

“You left him because he beat you,” I reply firmly. “You were afraid for your life and your children’s. But also, life here isn’t going to be that fancy. Once you’re ready to work, it’ll either be in the kitchens or as a maid. There’s nothing glamorous about that.”

“I don’t care. I’m so happy to be away from Pieter and Vinake.” She shudders slightly. “I’m not afraid of hard work. But watching my children starve or suffer because we can’t afford a winter coat, or worse, if he were to start beating them… I’m much more afraid of that.”

“It won’t happen,” I promise. “As long as you don’t go back to him. Because if you do go back, I don’t know that I can take you away a second time.”

“I’m not going back,” she whispers, reaching out to gently trail her fingers along Ryann’s cheek. “Never.”

“Good.”

“What about you? Any news from your Ryan?”

I make a face. “Nothing. His phone is off. He hasn’t called or texted or even sent a secure message through one of our emergency channels. He completely ghosted me.” And last time he did that, he’d been captured by Middle Eastern insurgents.

“You know he’s trying to protect you, don’t you?”

I bristle. “Why is everyone trying to protect me? My job is literally putting myself in between a bullet and the royal family. I am the protector. Why does no one understand that?”

She frowns. “I think they do. Otherwise, why would you be here? They’re just trying to protect you from unnecessary risks. And Ryan, he loves you, so he doesn’t want to be responsible for something from his past impacting you.”

“He’s never told me he loves me,” I say quietly. “And frankly, we’re supposed to be a couple. Couples share everything, both good and bad.”

“He loves you enough to want you to be safe.”

“Why does no one trust me to keep myself safe?” I demand.

“No one? Who is no one? You’re a Royal Protector. Like you said, it’s your job to put yourself in front of bullets to protect the royal family. And they trust you to do that. Every day. This is different. Apparently, it’s personal. And he doesn’t want you to get caught up in the crossfire. He didn’t leave you , he left his job and new friends. Because he doesn’t want any of you to be in unnecessary danger. Why are you being so stubborn about this?”

The truth is, I don’t know.

It just feels like I’m being coddled.

More likely, I still have PTSD about what happened to Logan, and the idea of Cooper being out there alone, no one having his back, terrifies me.

“I’m going to take Ryann back to my room so you can rest,” I say abruptly, standing up. “I’ll be back to take Greta to school and give the baby back.”

“I’d like to take Greta to school,” Lucianna says softly. “I haven’t done it yet. I haven’t met the teacher or anything.”

“Oh. Right. Of course. Then just text me when you’re ready and I’ll bring you the baby. Or you can come down to the morning security briefing to get her, and you can meet everyone.”

“I’d like that.” She nods. “And try not to stress, Natalia. He’s going to be okay.”

I wish I could believe that.

* * *

I’m grumpy all day, checking my phone incessantly to see if there’s news.

From Ryan, from Louie, from anyone.

And there’s been radio silence.

It’s eating at me.

Worry, anger, fear, too many emotions to properly navigate. That’s why I’m not sleeping. There just doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about it. Short-term, I can still function, but eventually the lack of sleep will make me dangerous, which I can’t afford to risk. At some point, I have to rest or I’ll become a liability to the team, and we’re too short-staffed for that.

I’m not ready to sleep yet, though, and since it’s only nine thirty at night, I go for a walk. Joe is doing the late shift in the surveillance room, which is from three until ten in the evening, so I wander in that direction. He probably wouldn’t mind company, and I don’t want to stare at the walls of my room.

“Hey.” He looks up with a smile. “How are you?”

I lift one shoulder. “I’ve been better.”

“Ryan’s tough,” he says knowingly. “He’s going to be okay. Besides, we’re working behind the scenes. There should be news soon.”

I still don’t know exactly what’s going on, and that’s what bothers me. It feels like everyone is playing their cards close to the vest, something that’s becoming a theme, and it makes me uncomfortable.

And Ryan should have talked to me before he left. I wish he trusted me enough to talk to me. Open up about what was going on instead of sneaking off like a thief in the night. My feelings should come first.

Except…I don’t know that I would afford him the same courtesy. If Sandor, or Erik, gave me specific instructions not to tell him something, I don’t know if I would.

There’s a part of me that doesn’t know how we can build a life together this way. I can’t be with a man who doesn’t trust me to be his equal. If he’s constantly trying to protect me, I’m eventually going to resent him. And if he doesn’t become a Protector, then there’s a chance he’s going to resent me.

Maybe that’s my insecurity talking, but I can’t help the way I feel.

I also don’t know if can go through this every time he’s out on a dangerous mission. The idea that he may not come back overwhelms me in a way I can’t explain. I know it has to do with what happened to Logan. Getting the phone call telling me he’d been shot multiple times, that he was in surgery, and then that he hadn’t made it.

It haunts me.

And now Ryan is in danger.

Again .

I don’t know if I can keep doing this.

I’m struggling to sleep, eat, breathe.

“Natalia?” Joe is watching me intently.

“Sorry. Just thinking about Cooper.”

“I know. We’re all worried.”

“Are you mad?” I ask abruptly. “Like, his enemies found us and now we’re dealing with some of the fallout, like Marcus being on light duty. Do you resent him for bringing trouble to us?”

“No. Why would I?” He looks genuinely confused. “He didn’t do it on purpose, and he’s become my friend. He’s also become part of our Protector family. His fight is our fight.” He pauses. “Isn’t it?”

The problem is—I’m not sure.

And saying that out loud feels wrong.

“I don’t know how I feel about anything right now,” I admit. “I’m all torn up inside. And if I’m honest, I don’t know if I can keep doing… this .”

“Doing what?”

“Spending my days and nights worrying about the safety of the people I love.” I lean against the wall and close my eyes. “I’m starting to think maybe I’m not cut out for this job. This life.”

“You’re scared and stressed right now,” he says gently. “Don’t make any rash decisions. Have you talked to Dr. Saluga?”

“Not about this. It’s too raw.”

“Have you said anything to Sandor?”

“No. I have to think about my future first. With the Protectors, with Cooper, all of it.”

“You can’t do this job if you have one foot out the door, Natalia. We all depend on each other.” His eyes darken with worry.

“I know. Believe me, I know.”

“I think you need to consider taking some leave,” he says slowly.

“Leave?” I blink.

“A leave of absence.”

“Are you firing me?” I demand, my heart racing.

“No, not at all. However, you’re going to have to do some soul-searching to figure out if this is what you really want, and I don’t think you can do it while you’re working six or seven days a week. So, I’m going to take you off the schedule. Frankly, this life we chose, it’s not easy. The sacrifice is sometimes more than anyone should be willing to give up. For you, the fear, the worry, well, it’s becoming problematic. Before you take the oath, you have to be a thousand percent sure this is what you want.”

“I can’t think about anything until I know Cooper is safe,” I whisper.

He nods. “I wouldn’t expect you to. But once his situation is resolved, you have to make some difficult decisions. And you absolutely need to meet with Dr. Saluga.”

“I will.” I pull in a shaky breath. “I’m sorry, Joe.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. This job isn’t for everyone. You’re one of the best I’ve ever worked with, especially considering how green you were when you came to us, but there’s no shame in changing your mind. I’d rather you quit than wind up dead.”

“I can’t afford to quit.” Both financially and emotionally.

“You haven’t taken the oath—I’m sure something can be worked out considering your PTSD and anxiety issues. Both those things could prevent you from being cleared to take the oath anyway if you don’t sort them out.”

His words fill me with sadness.

I truly don’t know what I’m going to do.

Not personally, professionally, or even romantically.

The weird thing is the thought of leaving is even more terrifying than staying.

And until I can sort that out, I’m no good to anyone.