Chapter 24

TWENTY-FOUR

Natalia

I’m both pleased and disturbed by the day’s events.

It’s nice to see that Cooper is at the top of his game and able to help out, but another potential attack is disheartening. Not to mention the fact that someone breached the perimeter and got so close to the garden. That’s a place where everyone spends a lot of time, and for now, it’s closed. In fact, all outdoor activities are limited for the time being, except the pool that’s attached to the building.

I don’t know how many more attacks we can survive before something catastrophic happens, and it’s weighing heavily on all of us. Losing Logan was a huge blow that we’re finally starting to get past, but there have been so many attempts since Erik took the throne, I’ve lost count. Eventually, they—whoever they are—could get lucky, and that’s a risk we can’t take.

To my surprise, Lennox is at the security briefing in her uniform, and I hurry over to her as we’re getting coffee.

“I can’t focus on the babies knowing there’s trouble so close,” she says before I can say anything. “They’re with Casey and her nanny today since Levi will be in school part of the day. We have someone starting next week but until then, everyone is going to pitch in.”

I nod. “Of course. Let me know if you need anything.”

She smiles. “It feels good to be back to work. Being a mom is amazing, but also exhausting. This feels like a vacation.”

She’s joking, of course, and we chuckle.

“Any word on who or what it was?” I ask quietly.

“I think Sandor has an update.” She motions to where her husband is getting everyone settled around the conference room table.

I sink down next to Cooper and smile as he surreptitiously rubs the side of his leg against mine.

“Good morning.” Sandor sounds tired, but there’s a fierceness in his eyes that’s impossible to ignore. “I have several updates, so we might be here a while. First, as you’ve all noticed, Lennox is back to work and on the duty roster. Not full-time yet, as our nanny situation isn’t a hundred percent sorted out, but she’ll start with three shifts a week and we’ll go from there.”

There are greetings and whistles as we welcome her back.

“We’re also putting Cooper on the roster in a limited capacity, where he can stay in the surveillance room so Joe can take duty shifts. No matter how hard we try, the threats are ongoing, so all we can do is continue to be vigilant.”

“Until then, we redouble our efforts,” Joe says. “Everyone needs to be extra vigilant. No outdoor activities for the kids. Jonas, I need you to get with Solange and have her looking into every employee at the palace—again. She’s in Vegas, but since she speaks fluent Limaji, it’ll be easier for her to deal with domestic background checks. We’ve already done it, but we need to see if anyone has gotten a large payoff, deposit, anything that would indicate them turning loyalties.”

There’s a lot more talk about scheduling and the duty roster now that Cooper and Lennox have been added, and I feel the faintest surge of panic welling up deep inside. The circumstances of Logan’s death bubble to the surface now and then, and Dr. Saluga told me not to bottle it up. She suggested talking to someone else who was involved, or at least in the palace that night, to get it off my chest.

“Sandor, do you have a minute?” I ask as everyone heads to work.

“Sure.” He meets my gaze questioningly.

“I’ve…” It’s so hard to admit weakness but what’s the point of going to see a therapist if I don’t take her advice?

“What’s wrong?” he asks quietly.

“This latest incident brings back the anxiety about…”

“Logan.”

Thank god.

He understands.

At least, it feels like he does based on his much gentler than usual tone of voice.

“Dr. Saluga said when this happens, I should talk to someone about it, and you were with him when he died.”

“Technically, I wasn’t,” he says. “He died at the hospital once they took him into surgery. But I was with him before he lost consciousness.”

“Was he…scared?” I’ve never asked this before.

“No. Resigned, frustrated, but not scared. He had a lot of last-minute instructions for his mom and sister, things like that. Told me not to feel guilty, he knew what he was signing up for, it was his honor to work with us. Stuff like that.”

Nothing about me.

I already knew this, but I feel it for the first time.

Just like I didn’t love him, he hadn’t loved me either.

“Do you ever feel guilty anyway?”

“Of course.” He stuffs his hands in his pockets, staring off at nothing. “I hear his voice in my head sometimes. I still picture his blood on my hands from where I was holding my shirt against the wounds. You’re not alone, Natalia.”

“I wasn’t even there!” I say in frustration. “Why does it bother me so much? We were involved but it was too soon for it to be serious, so it’s not like I lost the love of my life!”

“But you lost a friend, no?”

I pause.

I hadn’t thought of it that way.

“Yes. I did.”

“He was my friend too, probably longer than he was yours, and though we obviously weren’t sexually intimate, we were… for lack of a better term, emotionally intimate. Meaning that we went on missions together, fought side by side during several attacks, and he helped us get the country up and running at the beginning. He was important to me, so I feel his loss. Which is why I’m an asshole sometimes when it comes to training and drills. He was a U.S. Marine—so he had tons of training, skill, and physical strength. He was also brave and loyal. And it wasn’t enough. That’s why I’m over-the-top with all the things I have you guys do.”

I’d known that intellectually, but it hadn’t really hit home until now.

Now it makes more sense.

“Thank you,” I say quietly. “I needed to hear that. It’s just frustrating to feel these little twinges of panic when things happen.”

“You didn’t panic in the moment, and that’s what’s most important. Keep seeing Dr. Saluga.”

“I intend to.”

“Also, I’m no therapist, but it seems to me you feel some guilt. Not only have you moved on, but you’ve also met a great new guy, moved in with him… things that you may have done with Logan had you had more time together. He wouldn’t have wanted you to feel bad, though. And he definitely would want you to be happy.”

I smile, because I somehow know that’s true.

“Thanks.” I nod. “I feel better now.”

“All right. I have to run, but we can talk any time.”

“I appreciate that.” I turn and head for the Royal Apartment.

I’m looking forward to my shift today because Levi is in school and Casey said she wants to go shopping. She’d initially waffled on continuing with her plans for the day, but in the end, she decided to go. We’ve never had any trouble when the two of us go out alone. So far, we’ve never been recognized either. I’m in jeans and a T-shirt today to stay under the radar, and we’ll have added protection because Ace will surreptitiously tag along. He won’t be with us but shadowing us at a distance, just in case.

COOPER: Be safe today.

I smile at the text.

“Oh, you have the smile of a woman who’s falling in love,” Casey says, watching me.

I chuckle. “Maybe.”

“I’ll be ready to go in two minutes. Just need to finish a couple of emails and we can get going.”

“No rush.” I sink onto the couch and respond to Cooper.

NATALIA: The only thing in danger today is my wallet. One of our stops will be a boutique she loves that has great clothes. Not that I go out much, but I basically joined the military with nothing but a duffel bag, so my wardrobe needs updating.

COOPER: We’ll find places for you to wear nice things.

NATALIA: You’ve already seen me in my one and only little black dress.

COOPER: And that gorgeous gown you wore to the ball.

NATALIA: I don’t know if I’ll ever wear that again. LOL

COOPER: We’ll figure it out. Just stay vigilant. I’ll be watching your movements on the tracker.

NATALIA: Joe has our itinerary but sometimes we veer off course if she sees something she wants to look at. We don’t go into the city often, so she tries to do as much as possible in one trip.

COOPER: No worries. I’ll have my eyes on you guys and Ace will be nearby.

NATALIA: Thank you. See you tonight. If we’re late—and it happens—you can eat without me.

COOPER: Not a chance. Unless you think you’ll be shopping until midnight.

NATALIA: No, we’ll most likely be home by four. If we’re delayed, maybe six or seven.

COOPER: I’ll wait. Text me when you’re on the way and I’ll order food for us.

NATALIA: I think I like this living together thing.

COOPER: I like it too.

NATALIA: All right, I have to go. I’ll check in later.

COOPER: Have fun.

I put my phone away as Casey slips on a pair of sandals.

“All right,” she says. “I need gifts for the twins since their birthday is this month, and Edita’s birthday is early next month.” Edita is her assistant.

“I’d like to do a little shopping too,” I say thoughtfully. “My wardrobe is severely lacking. And now that I have a man in my life?—”

“I know an amazing lingerie shop!” Casey says excitedly. “And I could use something new to titillate my husband with…”

“Did you just say titillate ?” I ask, laughing.

“Yes. Why? Don’t you like that word?”

“I don’t know… it feels like it’s TMI.”

She bursts out laughing. “TMI would be me telling you how big his dick is. Telling you I want to titillate him is pretty innocent, all things considered.”

“Ew!” I wrinkle my nose, though I’m not really grossed out. I like Casey and we’ve gotten close since I got back from Iraq. She’s not what you’d expect royalty to be, and though there are certainly lines I would never cross, we’re still fairly comfortable with each other.

Of course, now that Lennox is coming back, I may lose my post, which is a bummer. Lennox had it first, though, and since she’s married to Sandor, I figure she’ll get whatever she wants on the duty schedule within reason.

“You can tell me all about how Ryan is in bed,” she teases as we take the elevator down to the garage.

“Dreamy,” I respond. “Absolutely dreamy.”

“If he can get you off, you can’t complain.”

“I won’t,” I reply. “He gets me off like no one else ever has, so I’m extremely happy in that department.”

“He seems like a good guy.”

“I just hope he likes me enough to want to stay.”

“One day at a time, sweetie.” She climbs into the passenger seat of the Mercedes we’re taking today. “You can’t rush a decision like that. I’m just glad you’re happy. Relax and enjoy the process of falling in love.”

It’s a little difficult with so much indecision about the future, but aside from the occasional bout of anxiety, I realize I’m genuinely happy.

And I don’t ever remember feeling that way before.