Chapter 34

34

J osiah couldn't sleep with Katie's words echoing in his head.

I've chosen to forgive you, Josiah, because I'm confident in the truth.

He picked up his pillow and flipped it over, punching it in frustration.

I'm confident in the truth.

He threw off his covers and stared at the ceiling.

We have only ourselves to blame.

He climbed out of bed. His body shook as if he were shedding a skin.

If we had been living… He took a few steps toward the adjoining door. …like a married couple… He took a few more . …then I would've been… He was at her door. …l ying in your arms, not in another room.

He put his hand on her doorknob. Her invitation had been clear, had it not?

He pulled away and paced the room. His head and body ached. He wanted to scream.

Their planned affection this past week had been slow and exquisite torture. The subtle touch of her hand on his knee, the shared caresses, the needy kisses. And there he stood with an unlocked door between them.

No. He couldn't do this again without an understanding between them. A curse slipped from his lips. Though she'd been ever so kind for months, not once had she said what he most needed to hear.

But she has told you she loves you, and you spurned her.

Where had that thought come from? She hadn't meant it that time. She'd only said it because she was telling him about the baby.

Didn't she? She's shown you unconditional love every day.

She wanted to ensure she had a home for her baby .

Your baby.

What if the baby was his? What if she had meant those words?

His hands pressed to his temples. He couldn't even win a conversation with himself. He walked to his hall door and slipped down the stairs and straight into the cold November air.

"Josiah, come here."

Josiah looked up as Katherine placed her knitting aside and rubbed her growing mound. Her eyes sparkled with excitement.

He walked over to the settee and sat beside her. She took his hand and placed it on her middle. "He's been kicking. I think you'll be able to feel him."

"He?"

She shrugged. "I think our baby is a boy."

She kept referring to the baby as theirs. And the idea was becoming harder to resist.

"Right here." She moved his hand to a spot on the side. Her delicate hand over his made his heart kick wildly. A gentle flutter played beneath his fingers, and surge of wonder shot through him. Then a good kick hit his hand. "How incredible."

"I know. Isn't it amazing?"

He looked into her shining eyes. She giggled, and he laughed as the little one gave another good kick.

"Does it hurt?"

"No, it's just a tad uncomfortable at times." She gave him a warm smile. "What names do you like?"

He'd refused to think of the child as his, so he hadn't given names any thought. "I'm not sure."

"What was your pa's name, or your grandpa's?"

"You're fixated on boy names."

"It's a good place to start."

"My grandpa's name was Seth, and I've always liked that name. But Grandma's was Eunice, and that's not an option."

She laughed. "I do like Seth."

"You do?" His heart bolted, and his pulse accelerated at the way she was looking at him.

"I do."

"How about Kat for a girl?" he teased.

"Ah, I've so missed that nickname." She touched his face. The gentle graze of her fingertips along his jaw sucked the air right out of his lungs, and he leaned closer. Her breath mingled with his.

She bridged the gap and her warm, pliant lips brushed against his. His mind, body, and soul entered into the kiss, and he was falling…falling…falling.

He groaned and tore his mouth from hers. Then he pushed up with a snap to his feet.

"Emmaline's gone now, Katherine. You don't have to pretend with me anymore." He turned on his heels and walked swiftly away. He had to get control of himself.

"Josiah, I'm not?—"

He put both hands over his ears. He didn't want to hear, for then he would have to make a decision—to trust, to be vulnerable, to open his heart back up to love.

"Another premature foal?" Josiah looked around the kitchen at the soft pile of blankets for the horse's bed. The wood stove was throwing more heat than necessary, too. "You realize you were lucky with the last one."

"I know," Katherine said, "but it's who I am…a softy for the ones who need me most."

"Is that why you're still hanging around here?" He should have resisted the jab, but it slipped out.

She struggled to lift her ever-growing body from her knees. He rushed to give her a hand.

When she was on her feet, she brushed her hands together and smiled up at him. "I stay because I want to stay."

His voice got tied up in his throat. He was the one who needed her most, but he could never let her know.

"In your delicate condition, I'm not letting you do this alone. I'll get Hank to assign one of the boys to help through the night, and if the foal makes it, we'll move her out to the barn."

"I don't want to miss the best part of seeing her get to her feet, like the last time." Her pleading eyes grew large and misty.

"There's no guarantee?—"

"I have hope." She touched his arm. "I have enough hope for the both of us."

The way she looked at him, she seemed to be speaking about more than just the horse. He turned away from the intensity in her gaze. "Do whatever you wish, but help you shall have."

"I can agree to that." She leaned into him, and he gave her shoulders a squeeze, but didn't linger. Everything about her moved him—her kindness, her love for all living things, her joy in giving.

Josiah awoke to a crackling, popping sound coming from outside. He flew out of bed. Something was glowing through the split in the curtains. He ran to the window and swept the drapes open.

Fire. His barn was aflame.

His mind exploded in a thousand directions as he pulled on his pants. His stomach dropped into the boots he was yanking on his feet when he remembered Katherine was helping with the foal.

Had she come in to her room? He crashed through the door separating the rooms to find an empty bed. He turned and bolted into the hall, then took the steps two at a time. The foal's bed in the kitchen was empty, and Katherine was nowhere around.

He roared into the midnight air. "No. No. No." This couldn't be happening.

By the time he reached the barn, the flames were shooting into the sky, and a few of his workers held him back from entering.

"You can't go in there, boss. It's too far gone. We got some of the horses out, but not all."

"Katherine." He choked out her name. "Where's Katherine?"

They looked at him blankly. With brute force, he ripped free.

The searing heat intensified as he pressed against the inferno, dodging flaming rafters that crashed to the floor.

"God, if you're up there, save my Katherine. Save my baby." Somehow, in that moment, his stubborn heart melted. Of course, the baby was his. Of course, Katherine loved him. She'd been showing him for months.

He checked the first few stalls but came up empty. The roars and squeals from the trapped horses in the other end of the collapsing barn pierced the air. The acrid smell of burning flesh seared his nostrils. The intensity of the heat and his inability to breathe collapsed him to his knees. Two strong sets of hands, one on each side, drug him from the inferno and across the yard.

All he cared about—his child, his horses, his future—burning to the ground in front of him, and he could do nothing more than stare. More than all of that, though…Katherine. He dropped to his knees as a groan ripped from his lips. "Oh God, not Katherine."

"Josiah. Are you all right? Speak to me, my darling."

A torturous hallucination swept through his mind. Her sweet words and the touch of her soft hand on his shoulders felt so real. He forced his eyes open, and the sight of a person bending over him made his pulse beat faster.

That was Katherine's beautiful profile, outlined against the firelight behind her. He worked himself up to sitting. Dear, God . It was her.

He reached out and pulled her into his arms, crushing her to him. "You're alive. Oh, dear God, I thought you were in the barn. I thought I lost you."

"I'm right here." Her words muffled against his neck.

"I tried to save you, but I couldn't." He kissed her hair, her face, her lips.

She pulled back. "Josiah, you're hurt. We need to get you cleaned up and attend to your?—"

"I'm fine, now that I know you're all right. But where were you?" All he could do was look at her, his hungry eyes feasting on the beautiful planes of the face he loved so much.

"Hank and I were on our way to the barn with the foal when we noticed some men with torches lighting the barn. He told me to call all the ranch hands and then get you, but when I got to the house, you were gone."

A new anger kindled in his chest. "There were men lighting the barn on fire?"

"Hank screamed at them, and they ran off. But they'd set hay all around, so it lit up fast. He got out as many horses as he could, but, Josiah, we lost a lot." Her voice quivered. "I'm so sorry." Ringlets fell around her face, freed from the disheveled bun she had twisted on top of her head. She looked like an angel.

He gathered her in his arms, holding on with all his might. "The rest can be rebuilt, but I thought I lost you…and our baby." A shudder ran through his body. What would he have done if he lost them both.

"Our baby is fine." She pulled back, and he laid his hand on the mound between them. "Had it been any later, I would've been in there sleeping beside that foal. But God had me in His hands."

"He saved you when I couldn't." He wrapped her in a fierce embrace.

"Yes, He did. But please, come in the house. I want to be sure?—"

"I'm more than fine, now that I know you're all right." He kissed her lips again, long and hard, before pulling back. "I'll come in as soon as I can, but I have to finish out here with my men."

He glanced over at the glowing heap, at the men standing in shock. He needed to get over there.

"Go in now, my love. Get some sleep." He placed one last kiss on her lips. "I'll be in as soon as I can."

Katie waited in the kitchen, refusing to go to bed until Josiah came in.

A shake on her shoulder brought her awake, and she lifted her head from the table.

"Why aren't you in bed?" Josiah knelt beside her, worry marking his soot-streaked face. "You must be exhausted."

"I wanted to be sure?—"

"We're all safe now. A couple of our men used to be soldiers. They set off after the bandits and tracked them down in no time at all. They were brought back here."

"How many?"

"Four. They're being taken into Sheriff Holden as we speak, but first we wrangled the answers we needed. They won't be moving too comfortably for some time to come."

"But who did this, and why?"

"Hinton Rowan, a big slave owner in these parts?—"

Realization struck a chord in her mind. "You mean Tommy Rowan's father?" That memory of the creek came flooding back and she wrapped her arms around herself to still her shiver.

"The Tommy who attacked you is the son of Hinton Rowan?"

"Yes. And I doubt he's ever gotten over his hatred for me." Had any of this happened because of her?

"So, this could be about more than just their resentment of change. For some, the hatred never ends. I'm sure one of the names I heard the guys mention tonight was Tommy."

Pain pressed on her chest. "It must be him."

"Well, wouldn't that be justice after all these years, catching the likes of such a scoundrel and being able to lay a good beating on him before having him locked up." He smiled at her.

But then his frown lines slipped back. "Hinton Rowan has been badgering me to pay my black workers less than my white. I refused and the unrest has grown. But I never thought he'd resort to such evil. In fact, things had settled down to where I was no longer on guard. I guess that was his plan. When I think what could have happened tonight… Thank God you're all right."

"And what about you running into a burning barn? I stayed up because I intend to be sure you aren't hurt. Let's get rid of this scorched shirt so I can assess the damage." She began undoing his buttons, and he just stood there. The sound of his breathing quickened with every touch of her hand on his flesh.

Her own hands began to tremble as they worked. She'd craved this nearness so many times. She nudged him to turn as she pulled the scorched fabric from his shoulders. His broad shoulders and sinewy back distracted her mind from looking for burns. She wanted to splay her hands and kiss him.

Instead, she said, "Sit."

"You're a bossy one in the middle of the night." He slid onto the kitchen chair. A faint grin twitched on his lips.

Her thoughts flushed her cheeks with heat, but she ignored them as she moved to the stove to retrieve the basin of water she'd kept warming. She placed the tub on the table beside him and rung the warm water from the cloth. With gentle strokes, she washed the soot from his strong hands, up his muscular arms, and around his neck. Back and forth, the splash of water, the warm cloth, the hot flesh.

His gaze followed her face, tracking her every movement, but she didn't flinch.

She reached his cheeks, and he closed his eyes as she smoothed the cloth over his forehead, to his eyes, to the roughened planes of his neatly clipped beard. She wanted to kiss every chiseled feature right down to his mouth, but she worked the cloth instead in tiny circular motion. Showing her love. Pouring her love into him as if she were an overflowing pitcher and he an empty container.

Please God, let him feel my love.

She ran her finger over his lips, and a groan slipped free. His hands settled on her waist and pulled her onto his lap.

His eyes met hers, a warmth in his gaze she hadn't seen in so very long. One of his hands reached up to cup her cheek. "I don't want to waste another moment not giving you every bit of love I have to give." His voice was rough and sincere, his gaze earnest as it held hers. "Will you forgive me, Katherine? Will you give this old grouch a second chance at loving you?"

She could barely contain the joy welling inside her. "Yes." She planted a kiss on his lips. "Yes." Another meeting of their lips. "Yes." After the final kiss, he lifted her in his strong arms and carried her up the stairway to his room.

The light from the soft glow of a lone candle and dying embers in his fireplace flickered across his handsome face as he set her on her feet. His eyes darkened, and his stare grew hot.

Yet there was one thing she had to tell him before anything more happened. She pressed a hand to his chest. "I have something to say that I mean with all my heart." She bit down on her lower lip.

He took a sharp breath in as his gaze lowered to her mouth, then rose again to her eyes.

"I love you, Josiah. I know you may find that hard to believe?—"

"Shh." He placed a finger over her lips. "I've been blind. I've loved you for so long, yet I treated you harshly, letting my jealousy and my misconceptions get the best of me. Yet you've been showing me for months what real love looks like. Everything flashed in front of me when I thought I'd lost you." His voice hitched. "Your love for me has been so much deeper than what I've given you." A mist veiled his eyes.

She stroked a wayward curl from his forehead.

Josiah's eyes closed at her touch. When they opened again, they smoldered. "And He's given you back to me when I thought all was lost."

"Kiss me, Josiah. I love you so much it hurts."

His lips found hers with aching softness. But then she pulled back. There was just one more detail to set straight. "I want to stay tonight and every night."

The smile lines around his eyes crinkled. "With pleasure, Mrs. Richardson."

Curled in the warmth of Josiah's arms, Katie snuggled even closer. She had no intention of ever letting go. She had held nothing back and gained everything.

She turned in his arms to face him and kissed his lips. He stirred and sluggishly opened his eyes. A pleased look split his face.

"So, it wasn't a dream?" He kissed her waiting lips and pulled back. "I've been so unlovable, and yet you're here."

She nodded and giggled. "God is a miracle worker."

He rolled onto his back with a sigh and snuggled her close, pulling her to rest her head on his strong chest. "Never gave God much thought beyond the occasional church service, until Jeb started yammering about Jesus. Then Colby, now you. The changes are undeniable."

"It's called peace."

He kissed the top of her head. "You know, I thought I could protect you. I thought I had everything under control. That burning barn made me cry out for mercy, and God answered. He kept you safe when I could not."

"There have been substantial losses—the barn, some of your best horses?—"

He kissed her quiet. "If that's what it took to bring me to my senses and soften my stubborn heart, then so be it."

Her ear pressed against his chest. "I can hear the gallop of your heart."

"No secret there. I adore you. It's as if there was something bigger than I could understand drawing us together from the very beginning."

"There was. Though I didn't yet know, God knew the best possible soul mate for me."

He chuckled. "Soul mate? I do like the sound of that. I'm liking this God more by the minute."