Chapter 23

23

W here was God? Katie had called out so many times over the past few weeks, asking for strength to resist the temptation. But was that what she wanted anymore? If so, why was she waiting for Colby beneath the light of the moon? She shivered as both anticipation and guilt wrapped around her.

Colby's laughter compared to Josiah's grump, his stimulating conversation up against Josiah's rude silence—there was no contest. Colby didn't have to work hard to mesmerize her over dinner. The brush of his foot underneath the table stirred her blood. The lilt of his northern accent and his dancing golden eyes, the message he sent without the need for words, her abject loneliness… All of it made the impossible, possible.

She gazed up at the silver-washed glow of the moon, with only the crickets for company, and trembled at the thought of having him all to herself. The waiting made her jittery.

Like a shadow, he silently stepped into view, and they walked far beyond the view of the house. The stillness with nary a breeze, the dancing shadows, then the blackness of the night as the moon slid behind a dark cloud, heightened her awareness.

There in the black, he slipped his hand over hers for the first time. Her breath caught in her throat as a tremor of excitement and the foreboding knowledge of sin crept through her. The still, small voice of reason faded as she rationalized what she was doing.

He slowly ran his thumb up the inside of her wrist. She quivered under his touch. She could no longer think straight. Her foot caught on a stone and she stumbled forward. He grabbed hold of her and drew her up against him, his arms tightening around her like twin bands of steel. The rapid pace of his heart pumped hard beneath her hand on his chest.

A mere inch separated their lips. Her breath mingled with his, and the heat in his rapid breathing fanned her face. She closed her eyes and pressed up against him.

He groaned.

She breathed in the mix of aromas clinging to his skin, the clean smell of soap, traces of his horse, and his own manly scent. Pressed as close together as clothing would permit, Colby's pounding heart pressed into her, matching the racing of her own.

"Katie, what you do to me." His words came through hard breaths as he bent his head toward her lips.

Oh, how she wanted to give into the temptation. Her senses were singing. Her feelings for Colby overwhelming. But then, thoughts of Josiah crowded in.

She had to stop. Now. Or she'd never be able to.

"No." She wrenched back. "I can't do this to Josiah."

A swear word slipped from Colby's lips as they pulled apart. A canyon of pain filled his eyes. "I know you're right, but?—"

"We need to stay clear of each other. This madness has to stop." She clutched her skirt in her hands.

Josiah threw the covers off his blazing body and stood from his bed. Thoughts of Katie had his mind tied in knots and his body responding in ways he would rather not. He wandered to the window and gazed through a narrow slit in the curtain. A movement flashed below.

His Katherine walked through the garden alone. She stopped and raised her face to the light of the moon. The silvery wash of her silhouette in the frosty glow took his breath away. There she stood. Lonely. Lost. Let down.

And he had created this life for her.

Could he start fresh? Should he make one more attempt to woo her before giving up? The way they were living was damaging them both.

Just when he decided to act on impulse and join her, Colby emerged from the shadows. She turned to him with her face in the light of the full moon. Her smile widened. Was that desire?

They both turned away from the house and walked into the blackness.

The suspicions that had been flitting in and out of his mind for months were confirmed.

A spike of anger rode up his spine and exploded into his skull. He smashed his fist on the wash basin stand, which sent the porcelain bowl flying. It shattered into a thousand pieces on the floor.

Katie ran for the safety of her room. She flung open her bedroom door and collided into Josiah.

"Whoa. You scared me. What are you doing in here?" She looked away, sure the guilt and shame screamed from her face. For even if she and Colby hadn't acted on their desires, their relationship was far from mere friendship. What could Josiah possibly want after all this time?

He didn't answer. Just stared at her.

She sidestepped to go around him, but he stepped in her path. She felt small staring into the barrel of his chest. Heat radiated from him.

He tipped her head up and forced her to meet his steady gaze. The gray in his eyes turned liquid, smoldering like blue-black flames. Dark emotions flashed across his face, from anger, to sadness, to pain.

He knew.

She tried to lower her gaze, but he kept his hand steady beneath her chin. They stood rigidly. The silence stretched into a long agonizing moment. She wanted to die under the scrutiny of his bold appraisal.

But he had brought this on. First with their arranged farce of a marriage, and then with his sudden rejection. He'd left her lonely and vulnerable. He'd created this mess.

Yet, no amount of justification could account for the hurt radiating from his eyes.

A strange jumble of emotions played inside her. She wanted to close the distance between them and resurrect the sweet, tender moments they'd once shared. And, at the same time, she wanted to run from the stranger he had become.

So she reached for anger. Something to protect her heart. "Why are you here? It's a little late to back up this train wreck of a marriage."

He groaned and lowered his lips to hers, his finger still under her chin. With over a year since they'd been intimate, Katie's heart leapt in surprise.

Gently, he coaxed a response from her. The pleasure, the tenderness they had shared in each other's arms, flooded back. His kisses feathered over her brow, her eyelid, her cheek, and her neck, then erupted into a heated rush on her lips. She melted into his embrace.

His body shook as he drew back, a question in his eyes. "Katherine?"

She nodded, and he swooped her into his powerful arms and lowered her onto her bed. With an urgency of time lost and wasted, they devoured each other. A seed of hope burst through the rocky soil of her heart as she lay spent in his arms.

He raised his head and stared down at her, a sheen of tears glistening in his eyes. His voice held a tremor. "Who did you see when you lost yourself in my embrace?"

Katie gasped, his words raising a pain that nearly stole her breath.

"No, don't answer." He dropped a quick kiss on her lips. "I don't want to know."

He swung off the bed and disappeared into his room.

Katie curled in a ball under the sheets, shaking. What had just happened?

For a moment, she'd had hope. Hope they could rebuild. Hope they could find the friendship they once shared. Hope birthed and crushed in less than an hour.

Tears spilled from her eyes and soaked the sheets. Too exhausted to fight, she sobbed into her pillow.

Josiah tossed on his bed and slammed his pillow over his head so he wouldn't hear her sobs. His hands fisted at the weakness he'd succumbed to. He had meant only to confront her and hear the truth from her lips, but truth ceased to matter when he stood so close, smelled the rose-scented essence of who she was, and looked into her soft blue eyes. The minute he touched her, all resolve vanished like a vapor in the wind. He had wanted, needed, one more memory before setting her free.

An annulment for their arranged marriage should be easy to obtain. There was not proof of consummation other than what was imprinted upon his heart. He would give the excuse they had taken time to get to know each other, but had never fallen in love. Only he would know the lie in it all.

Katie wouldn't argue that last point and would be grateful for her freedom. The plan would keep her from the social stigma of divorce. It was the least he could do for her. He had stolen her right to choose to love whom her heart connected with, and he aimed to set things right. Colby, the brother he never had, was that lucky man, and although Josiah's heart hollowed at the mere thought, the truth remained the truth.

Dear God, you've helped me before. Please, give me the strength to let her go.

It had been a week since Josiah touched her, and Katie had only seen him from a distance. Over the past year, she'd avoided her parents place as much as she could, to keep them from knowing how unhappy she was. But today she set out with a mission in mind.

The hinges on the screen squeaked as she pulled open the door. "Ma?"

"In the kitchen. Getting supper on."

Katie grabbed an apron from the hook beside the sink and fell into her old routine. She stood beside her mother, picked up a knife, and dug into the sack of potatoes. "I might as well help while we're talking."

"You haven't been here in so long," Ma said. "The girls keep asking about you."

"I know. Life has been busy. Pa told me you and Amelia are going to Richmond to see Grandmother and Grandfather?"

"Yes, we leave next week."

"I'd like to join you. After all these years of silence from them, I thought you might appreciate some moral support."

"No." Ma's answer was immediate, and her voice quivered. "I want to see if they've really changed before I introduce them to my family."

"But you're allowing Amelia to go?—"

"Your place is here with your husband, not traipsing to Richmond. Maybe another time."

Katie looked up from her peeling. Ma's response didn't make sense. There was none of the sternness she'd experienced growing up, more a desperate plea. "It would do me good to get away right now." Why had she said that? She pursed her lips shut.

"Why? What's happened?" Ma's burning gaze penetrated the front she was working hard to maintain, and Katie shuddered.

She'd almost revealed the shamble of her life. How could she tiptoe around the truth without spilling the beans? She wanted distance, and lots of it, from Josiah's coldness, from Colby's warmth.

She turned back to the bowl and grabbed another potato. "Nothing. Josiah is just so busy with the ranch, and I'd like a change of pace. I'm sure he won't mind. In fact, I'll ask him tonight."

"Go ahead and ask. I'm sure he'll agree with me." Ma's no-nonsense voice was back in place.

She didn't want to appear too desperate, so she let the subject drop. She was always the unwanted one. The burn of tears stung her eyes, so she slipped out of the apron and hung it on the hook. "All right then, I'll do that directly."

"You're not going to interrupt the man in the middle of the workday, are you? Stay and visit a bit." Both a tremor and a cajoling filled Ma's voice.

"I have things to do. I have to go." Katie swallowed against the lump in her throat.

Gracie came around the corner and squealed before leaping into Katie's arms. "You just got here, aren't you going to play with me?"

Katie swung her sister in a quick twirl, and Gracie giggled. "I can't stay, but walk with me to the orchard's edge." She brushed a wayward curl from Gracie's brow and kissed her silky-smooth skin. "I'll come back tomorrow, and I promise to play with you then."

She hugged her little sister tightly, pushing her body against the screen door to open it. An overwhelming urge to hold a baby of her own once again filled her being. She couldn't stop the tears from brimming.

"Why your eyes so wet?" Gracie's baby soft hand reached up to touch Katie's face. "Are you sad?"

Katie pulled her close as the weight of sadness nearly smothered her, but she kept walking. If she'd given Josiah a child, maybe he wouldn't have turned so cold. She had failed him there as well, although it was a little hard to have a child if one didn't… Her cheeks burned hot at the memory of the last night they'd spent together. What had that been about? She had been so hopeful, and then so crushed.

Her thoughts unraveled and swayed between her fault, his fault, their fault. Around and around they spun until her head ached. She shook the fog free. She had to get past the caring. It hurt too much.

She set Gracie down, and they walked hand in hand to the edge of the orchard. There, she bent down and planted a kiss on her sister's rosy cheek. "Off you go now. I'll watch how fast you can run back to the house."

Gracie spun. The jiggle of her chubby legs, the floppy braids, and the shriek of delight brought a tinge of happiness to Katie's heart, but the feeling faded as fast as it came.