Chapter 16

16

K atie dressed in her oldest work skirt and plainest cotton blouse. Even if she could not love Josiah as he loved her, there was one thing she could do, and that was to support his dream of making the ranch one of the finest. This meant work.

She descended the steps with purpose. Her first order of the day was to team up with Delilah and find out what needed to be done. She would no longer play the role of a Southern Belle born into privilege. She was a hard worker, and it was time she started to take charge.

She rounded the corner into the kitchen and planted a kiss on Delilah's pudgy cheek. "Good morning."

"What you be so happy about, girl?"

"Work. I'm going to work today, and feel tired and fulfilled by evening. I'd like to start in the garden unless you have something more pressing for me to do."

"Land sakes, no! You are the lady of this home. Ladies don't get on their knees digging."

"But I love to garden, and the roses need to be pruned back, the weeds pulled, and?—"

"No," Delilah said, shaking her head. "My Abe will get to them roses before winter. We just running low on time and energy with these old bones slowing us down. But don't you be worrying your purty head."

"Please. You just said yourself you have way too much. And why, with a house and grounds this size, where you should have at least twenty staff, do you only have Annie and Ruby and a couple girls who come in twice a week to help out with the clothes washing?"

"That's Josiah's business to tell."

"I am his wife." For the first time those words rang true. She was his wife.

"True." Delilah pressed a finger against her full lips. "With all the expenses of rebuilding after the war, until them horses start selling again, we're keeping things skinny."

Skinny? After all he'd done for her family? "Even more reason for me to help. Plus, you work too hard."

"Pshaw. Don't be concerning yourself with me." She placed both hands on her generous hips and stared Katie down. "I've been working this place for years now."

Katie twisted the bottom of her apron in her hand. How could she get through to Delilah? "Then I'll take it up with Josiah. You heard him yesterday at the supper table when he agreed it would be fine if I wanted to help. I'm thinking he will not be pleased if you can't find his wife even one little thing to do."

A crease furrowed her dark brow, and she put a hand to her well-starched checkered turban. "I don't think he was paying you any mind yesterday. But I could use a little help, I guess."

"You will not regret this." Katie rushed forward and hugged the plump woman. "We'll make a great team. You'll see." She pulled back and smiled into Delilah's chocolate brown eyes. "You are the queen bee, and I'll be one of your worker bees."

A wide toothy grin split free. "Don't be needing to be a queen anything. No, ma'am. But truth be told, a little more help ‘round here would be heaven to these old bones."

The men often took the noon meal in the outside cook hut as a matter of convenience, so they could get quickly back to work. Katie set out that meal early so that Josiah wouldn't wander in and catch her working. He'd said she could help, but he hadn't realized what all she planned to do.

The day passed in a whirl of activity as Katie joined in the work of the large, sprawling house. Every accomplishment energized her. The only caveat to a perfect day was the inkling that Josiah had not known what he agreed to at dinner. He had seemed rather distracted. Before Delilah started rattling on about all they'd worked on together, she had better talk to him.

She stuffed down her embarrassment regarding the night before and stood waiting to greet him that evening when he walked in the door. She would have to get comfortable with the fact that this so called "duty" between a man and woman was much more pleasurable than she could have imagined.

The door opened, and he stepped in.

She stepped toward him. "I need to talk to you."

He raised his brows. "My day was fine. Thanks for asking, dear wife." He dropped a quick kiss on her cheek and chuckled.

Heat washed up her neck. "I'm sorry?—"

"I was just teasing, and you can greet me at the door anytime you wish." He threw her a pleased look. "Give me a couple minutes to wash and change, then meet me in my room." He bounded up the steps.

She couldn't help watching him go, every bit of his handsome physique on display for her. The memory of his muscles beneath her fingertips, the feel of his kisses on her skin, the touch of those large but gentle hands… She shook her head, forcing her mind elsewhere.

After leaving him a respectable amount of time to change, she tapped on his bedroom door and waited.

"Come in, my love." His deep voice rumbled through the wood.

She swallowed hard at his use of the endearment, but squared her shoulders and stepped in. She was surprised to find him in a state of undress. His trousers hung loosely at his waist, his suspenders dangling toward the floor. His chest was bare.

She stood, mesmerized, as he bent over the marble topped stand and splashed water from the washbowl onto his face and hair. He grabbed fresh linens and straightened to dry.

His wide shoulders and rippled body took her breath away. The work of the day gave definition to his muscles. Would she ever get used to how petite she felt in comparison? The night before flooded in, the memory of how gentle he'd been. It didn't suit the strong man who stood before her.

"Talk away," he said, as the towel slipped from his face. He caught her open stare and grinned.

She dropped her gaze and walked toward the window. "Nice view," she said, needing a moment to regain her focus.

His arms circled her waist, and he drew her back against him. "I'm sure you didn't come up here to talk about the view, now did you, Kat?"

She lost her train of thought as he nuzzled the back of her neck. The smell of fresh thyme soap and the brush of his whiskers tickling her skin took over her senses.

"Ow. These blasted pins." He smoothed one hand up and down her arm as he pulled each pin from her hair with the other. They dropped with a ping onto the hardwood floor. Her locks fell free down her back. An involuntary intake of breath slipped from her lips as he tenderly ran his fingers through her waves. Like a sensual caress, the touch of his fingertips played a slow agonizing melody.

His ragged voice whispered into her ear. "I love your hair down." He slid his hands up to massage her temples. The work of the day melted away. She closed her eyes to the view out the window and relaxed to the rhythmic motion of his fingertips.

When he turned her to face him, she was ready for the kiss, sweet and gentle, then tantalizing and needy. A heat stirred deep within until he stepped out of her arms. Her eyes fluttered open. She reached out to pull him back, but he had already turned from her and was pulling on his shirt.

She shook the hazy feeling from her head and stared at the man.

"Well, my dear, did you come up here to be kissed soundly, or did you have something to talk about?

"I wanted to thank you."

He turned and raised both his eyebrows. A look of delight split across his face. "The pleasure was all mine."

"I mean…thank you for letting me help Delilah today. I felt like my old self. Useful, that is. The little bit of work you've been able to give me doing the books is just not enough." Still jittery on the inside from that kiss, her thoughts came out jumbled.

"That's what this is all about? So, last night at supper when my mind was elsewhere, I agreed to exactly what?"

So her suspicions had been right and he had not been paying attention. She couldn't help a smile. "Why, Josiah, you know full well I can't go on like some lady of leisure. It's not me. And with all the help you're giving my family, the least I can do is join in." She pressed her hands together. "If you give me some freedom, you'll find I'm quite resourceful. I can garden, help with the horses, learn the bookkeeping. I admit, I'm not a great cook, but I can help, and I love cleaning."

His eyebrows lifted.

"If you're not too good to do any job, why am I?" She deliberately widened her eyes to give him a pleading look. "Please, I need this. I want to work. It makes me feel like I belong."

"Maybe it wasn't the work that made you feel like you belong," he teased as he flipped each suspender into place.

She hit his shoulder. "It's just plain ungentlemanly of you to suggest otherwise. Don't unduly flatter yourself. The work is what made me?—"

He dragged her up against him in one swift movement and crushed his mouth on hers. The pressure intoxicated her senses, and she found herself tingling with awareness and excitement. Her body melted into his embrace.

He pulled back with a wide grin. "Need I say more?"

Katie shook her head. He was bending toward her for more when Delilah's bellow filtered up the stairs.

"Come, you two lovebirds, da supper is getting cold."

He drew his face back, but kept his arm tight around her. "Saved, little one—for now. Delilah can get quite grumpy if her hard work is spoiled." Then he released his hold at her waist and grabbed her hand. As they left the room and headed downstairs, he didn't let go. Heat rushed to her face as they entered the kitchen, hand in hand. An immediate glance to their locked hands and Delilah's dark face donned a mouthful of pearly whites.

The next few weeks passed in a flurry of activity. The work energized Katie a little more each day. Delilah handed over the running of the household with the understanding that the kitchen was her domain, leaving Katie plenty of time to oversee the maids, keep up the books, churn butter, make candles and soap, and do the outside work she loved.

Josiah was slow to agree to her helping in the garden or with the farm animals, but she soon realized there was little he would deny her with a bit of pleading. She dug up the last of the potatoes, onions, and carrots from the garden and stored them in the cold room. She tended the overgrown flower beds and pruned the roses in readiness for winter. When Ma and her sisters headed out to the orchard to pick the last of the apples, she joined in. Each day, she worked with one purpose in mind—to ensure Josiah would have the best run home in the valley. She would see to it. If she couldn't be a wife spouting words of love, she would at least help him fulfill his dreams of family and a well-run ranch.

She smiled at the thought of the nights they shared. That time with Josiah was far more enjoyable than she had imagined, and the hope she would someday be a mother filled her mind with joy.

"What are you smiling about?" Amelia asked in the orchard one day as she climbed the ladder next to Katie.

Katie could feel the heat rise in her face. "I was just thinking how scared I was to marry Josiah and how different it all turned out than I'd feared."

"Things are good then? I couldn't help but hear the commotion a few weeks ago when you ran out crying."

So much had changed since then. She could actually answer with truth. Josiah was happy and, oddly, that mattered more to her than her own happiness.

"I'm better, much better. Josiah is a kind husband."

"Kindness is enough?" Amelia's eyebrows lifted. "Didn't you always say you wanted a true love story or no love story at all? I was the one willing to settle for a home, family, and a kind man."

Katie snatched an apple and plunked it a little too hard into her bag. "You know my circumstances. I'm making the best of it. The least you could do is cheer me on."

"You know I'm on your side. You have no idea how worried I've been about you."

Katie's chest twinged and she turned toward her.

"Here we are"—Amelia's hand fanned out over the orchard—"living a life of abundance while you pay the price."

"I'm fine." She forced as much cheeriness as she could into her voice as she turned back to her work. She really was fine. Why was it so hard to say the words to Amelia?

"Are you? Look me in the eyes and tell me that."

Katie stopped picking fruit, but ignored the question. Her hands gripped the side of the apple bag slung around her shoulders so hard, the material bit into her skin.

"Ah, I get it," Amelia said. "You're putting on a brave face, even with me."

"You don't get it. I'm making the best of a difficult situation, and if kindness was good enough for you, why can't it be good enough for me?"

"Because you're nothing like me. Not even a little bit. And the older I get, the more I realize kindness would never be enough in a marriage. Now that I'm seeing Edmund, I want him to feel crazy, earth-shattering love for me, and I for him."

She couldn't bite back her frown. "Why do you bring this up knowing my?—"

"I asked because I long for you to find happiness and love. My own guilt at having all we have at your expense eats away at me. But I see the way he looks at you. He loves you."

Katie stepped down the ladder and poured her apples into the nearby bin. "What's done is done, Amelia. And things are far better than I expected. I've had enough of this conversation. I'm going home."

Amelia scurried down her ladder and grabbed her arm. "Are things better? Do you think you'll grow to love him?"

"I don't know…"

Amelia drew her into a hug. "I hurt when you hurt," she whispered into Katie's ear. "And now I'm hurting for Josiah too. I really like the man."

Katie pulled back. "So do I." Unwanted tears filled her eyes. "Can't that be enough?"

Amelia held her shoulders, searching her eyes. "You tell me."

But Katie couldn't meet her gaze. She stepped away from her sister, then turned and walked toward home.

One evening later that week, Josiah took Katherine's hand as they retired to the parlor to sit in front of the fire. He loved their time of stimulating conversation, their time to catch up from the day.

"I expect Colby any day now," he said. "Wait until you meet him, you'll love him. He's like the brother I never had." He pulled her down beside him, and she leaned into him.

"Will he have the horses you want?"

"That's my hope. If he's successful, you'll be as thrilled as I am, and you'll have your pick." He wrapped his arm around her.

"You keep this up, and you'll indeed spoil me."

He laughed. "Would that be such a bad thing, a man spoiling the woman he loves?"

The minute he said the word love, her body tensed. She pulled away, but he left his arm cradled around her. He pressed hard against the pang of sorrow that threatened to rise within him. Why couldn't he just be happy with what she was giving? Why did he need more? Were a happy home, a friendship, and now even the possibility of family not enough for his greedy soul?

"Josiah."

"Hmm?"

"I wish I could say?—"

He lowered his lips to hers, unable to bear the sound of her putting her lack of love into words.

As he kissed her soundly, he was almost able to press his disappointment out of his thoughts. He drew back enough to catch his breath. "Let's retire for the evening." He left off the endearment, my love , hanging on the tip of his tongue.

She came to him that night initiating a needy exchange, and he joined in, longing to get lost in the passion, where he would not have to think until after…always after.

He drew her close, and, as content as a kitten, she curled into his embrace. The ache began, as it did every night, the wondering if he would ever touch her soul the way she touched his. Did she come to him out of obligation? A need to earn his approval? The thought gathered like hot stones in his chest.

"Are you still awake?" Her voice was sleepy.

"Yes."

"Josiah, I love…"

He held his breath. A flicker of light touched that pitch-black part of his soul, and hope ignited.

"…sleeping with you next to me."

Daggers of pain shot through him. They cut into the fleshy part of his heart and carved out a chunk big enough to do damage. He smoothed her silky hair and kissed her head. He didn't dare speak for fear she would hear the pain in his voice.

He wanted to rise from the bed and scream into the night. Instead, he lay still. The steady rhythm of her breathing told him she had drifted off. Yet sleep would surely not find him anytime soon.

Falling asleep in Josiah's arms became one of Katie's favorite things. There had been too many years with the men gone to war where she had slept with one eye open and her gun tucked under her pillow. Though she'd acted tough and strong, deep down, a frightened soul had lurked, especially after that incident in the woods, when her vulnerability as a woman had been made all too clear. The strength of his body curled protectively around hers gave her such calm. She snuggled in closer, her body nestled tight up against his.

"Good night, my love."

"Good night, Josiah."

A deep sigh escaped his lips. He kissed the top of her head and rolled away, turning to the opposite wall.

Not a day went by he didn't say he loved her in some form or another. Sometimes, he even sounded like he regretted the words immediately after they came out of his mouth. Though her silence with the words she knew he wanted to hear left her a bit lost and with a mountain of guilt, she couldn't bring herself to say such an important thing tritely.

Things were changing, ever-deepening between her and her gentle husband, but was it love or merely pleasure mixed with a sense of duty? She certainly didn't feel the crazy heart throbbing out of her chest, like the way it had been with Charles. Did she even understand what love was?

All she knew was that affection, loving actions, and words flowed effortlessly from Josiah toward her. Whatever she felt paled in comparison.