Chapter 14

14

K atie stroked Gracie's hair, soothing away her sister's tears. She'd forgotten how wonderful it felt to snuggle the little ones. "There, there, you poor thing. You just need one of my special kisses to make it all better." She dropped a soft kiss on her sister's scraped knee.

Gracie offered a wobbly grin. "It feels aaaall gooder." She stood to test the limb, then her smile broadened and she skipped away.

"You'll make a good mama someday." Ma watched from her place at the kitchen work counter.

Katie forced a smile as she moved in to help peel apples for the evening pie. She may never have a little one if she couldn't handle her husband's touch.

"Maybe even now, my grandbaby grows." Ma patted Katie's flat stomach.

Katie turned away. Guilt burned her throat and her eyes filled with tears. "I have to go. Tell everyone goodbye for me." She dropped the knife and headed for the door at a good clip. On the porch, she collided with Aunt May and almost sent her flying. Her aunt's protruding stomach glared up at her, and one of the tears broke loose.

"Whoa, Katie girl, what's wrong?"

Ma came running. "What did I say?"

Katie shook her head, but couldn't speak.

"Seems I said something wrong again," Ma said. "No matter how hard I try?—"

She struggled to push back the emotion. "It's not you. It's me. I…I can't …"

Ma's voice turned gentle. "How about I take Jacob and Nathan inside to play with the girls. You two talk." Aunt May nodded, and Ma herded the boys into the house.

Aunt May wrapped her arm around Katie's shoulder and gave a squeeze.

Katie worked for a smile, but couldn't find much of one. "You don't have to, Auntie. I'll be all right."

"Come, my dear. I have uninterrupted time, which is a gift to me. Your Uncle John has gone in search of the men, and your ma has taken the boys. Even if you don't think you can share, I shall get a walk with one of my favorite people in the world." With a kind smile, she turned Katie and ushered her down the steps toward the orchard.

Katie inhaled a strengthening breath as a soft breeze pressed her dress against her knees and rustled the leaves. A few drifted lazily to the ground. They walked between the fruit trees in silence but for the crunch beneath their shoes. The slightly pungent smell of apples on the ground filled the crisp air. All around them, the colors of fall were splendidly arrayed, but she couldn't appreciate the beauty.

Thoughts scrambled in her head. For years, she had craved a close relationship with her ma, yet it never happened. All this time she'd thought Ma was at fault, but maybe the problem was her. She couldn't love like she should, first her ma and now her husband.

"Can you tell me about your tears?"

Katie stopped and faced her aunt. "It's all so personal, so embarrassing." The words got caught in her throat.

Aunt May placed a tender hand on Katie's cheek. "It helps to talk."

Those were the very words out of Josiah's mouth. Had it helped? The pressure of expectation she'd put on herself had eased because of his kindness.

"I…feel terrible. I misjudged Josiah. First, I took my anger out on him, thinking he married me just for what I looked like. But, he's worked hard at getting to know me, being a friend. And then with Ma, Pa, and the girls so happy… I feel so guilty."

"Why?"

Heat raced to her cheeks and she dropped her gaze. But she pushed the words past the lump in her throat. "I haven't fulfilled my wifely duty. I'm so scared. I don't know how to approach him." She stopped and buried her face in her hands. "Ma said he would know what to do, but I think my reaction when he first tried to hold me has… I don't know. It's like he's waiting for my invitation, and I'm a coward." She blinked back a rush of tears.

Aunt May's arm closed around her, and they swayed back and forth. "There. It's going to be all right. I promise." Aunt May took a lace-trimmed handkerchief from her pocket and gently wiped the streaming tears. "My sweet one, marriage is not supposed to be so complicated. The way of a man with a woman is a beautiful thing God created for our enjoyment, as well as procreation. Usually, by the time a couple gets married, they can't wait to come together, but I can understand why you'd be frightened when you hardly know the man."

Katie couldn't bear to tell how much more complicated it was than that.

"But I want you to consider one thing," Aunt May said. "I've watched Josiah closely. The way he looks at you is the look of a man in love. Do you think you could try and open your heart to him? Then, the physical part of the relationship will naturally follow." She smoothed a hand down Katie's arm and gave a squeeze. "I've been thinking about my part in encouraging this marriage because I wanted more room for my growing family. I had selfish motives, and I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"

Katie looked into the empathetic eyes of her aunt, and her nod came easily.

"There's a story in the Bible of a lady named Ruth, a sad story of loss, and yet a wonderful account of God's provision. Ruth opened her heart to the possibility of love in the strangest of places with an older man. A beautiful love story unfolds because of Ruth's obedience and courage. Do you have a Bible in that large, grand home of yours?"

She nodded. "Delilah reads one."

"Then promise me you will read the book of Ruth. Look for the similarities to your story and how God helped Ruth and will help you, even in the most difficult of situations."

Katie grabbed Aunt May's arm, pulling them to a stop. "I've tried to pray, Aunt May, and I still lack courage."

"Ah, yes, my sweet girl. Sometimes it takes stepping out. The strength is given in that moment of action. You have a patient man who is waiting for you to initiate. He has a level of respect for you that's impressive. It's no small thing for a man in love to wait for the physical connection."

Aunt May pulled her close. "I love you as if you were my own daughter. I know it was hard for you to talk about this. I'll keep it between you, me, and the good Lord." The hug grew tighter, and Katie held on, soaking in the warmth in her aunt's arms.

"I miss you girl. I had to twist John's arm to get him to bring me out here in my condition, but I'm sure glad I did." Her aunt placed her hands on the sizable mound. "Goodness me. This one's going to be a handful. I can tell by all the kicking."

Aunt May reached for Katie's hand and placed it on her swollen abdomen, then held it there.

The movement against her palm sent a surge of joy through her. "I think she's dancing."

"I hope it's a she. I love my two boys, but it would be so wonderful to have a baby girl. Just you wait. When it's your turn, you'll be in awe."

Katie gave her aunt a look. "First, I have to do whatever makes babies."

Aunt May laughed out loud. "You're right about that, Katie girl. Trust me. It's so amazing."

Katie snuck into the kitchen late that night. Her candle flickered, casting shadows against the wall as she scanned the area for the big black book. Ah, there it was, sitting on the edge of the table like it was waiting for her. She set her candle stand down and slid into the wooden chair worn smooth by years of use.

Aunt May had said to read the book of Ruth. She opened the Bible with care and turned to the contents. There it was, tucked between Judges and First Samuel, so few pages she almost missed it.

She was supposed to keep the similarities of their two stories in mind, so she'd brought both pen and paper. It wasn't long before she found her first similarity and started writing.

Ruth suffered loss, the death of her husband — I lost my brothers and Charles.

Ruth traveled to a strange land with strange customs — Coming from my humble roots, yes, this life is strangely different.

Ruth worked to support her mother-in-law — I married Josiah to support my family.

There were more similarities in this one story than she had thought possible.

Ruth was a beautiful woman who needed the protection of Boaz — I need the protection Josiah provides.

As she wrote that last line, the words jumped off the page. Josiah did make her feel protected and accepted for who she was. Now, after finding out the full truth, he was gentler than ever. She read on.

Boaz was a wealthy older man — Josiah is the same, though I'm not seeing him as what I would call old these days. The more I get to know him, the younger he seems.

Ruth was instructed by Naomi to go to Boaz at night and offer herself in marriage —

Katie's pen paused on the page. An ink blot stained the spot. Was she to go to Josiah? Was this what Aunt May was getting at? Well, that would be where the similarities stopped.

Ruth became a wife and mother — but I am a coward.

As she penned the word coward , a heaviness came over her soul. She slapped the book shut with far less reverence than she had opened it.

With a flick of her head to send her heavy braid to the back, she picked up her candle and the paper and went up stairs, her heart as heavy as her steps.

Josiah pushed his empty plate aside and pulled his weary body up from the table. He would pay a price, but he had to offer anyway. "Would you like to start learning the bookkeeping?"

The smile Katherine tossed him quickened his sorry heart.

"I sure would. But are you sure you're up to this after a full day of work?"

"You've been after me for weeks now, saying you need something to do. Do you really want to talk me out of it?"

"Certainly not." She jumped to her feet, a new light shining in her eyes.

He turned down the hall toward the library and puffed out a deep breath. God, help me. Ever since she'd spent that night in his arms, he could think of little else. Either he was battling anger at the degenerates who damaged her, or he was the one wanting the same thing they'd wanted. Neither scenario felt good or right.

Sure, he and Katherine were married, and he shared everything he owned with her. But why had he married her? He'd convinced himself it was noble and kind to help her family out of a tough spot and offer his protection. But when he looked deep inside where the whole truth lived, had he been any different than the rest? Absolutely, her wit and intellect were part of her attraction, but her beauty had stirred him, and her plight had made events simple to manipulate.

"Where do we start?" She waved her hand over the desk. "Are you sure you're not too tired?"

He didn't even remember sitting in his chair behind the desk. "No, I'm fine." But he was anything but fine, staring off into the distance like a lovesick idiot.

He opened up his black ledger book and began explaining the columns and rows. A faint smell of lilacs stole his concentration as she bent close. "How is your addition and subtraction?"

"Give me something to calculate and you can double check."

He stood and waved her to sit in his chair. In quick order, she added up the sum of three credits and subtracted five expenditures with a correct balance.

"I can see this won't be hard for you to learn. I'll look forward to handing this job off to you in no time."

She beamed at his praise.

Her pleasure sent a warmth through him. "Would it be too forward to say I married both the most beautiful and the smartest woman in the valley?"

She tipped her head to one side and pressed the pen to her lips. "Hmm. Would it be too forward to reply that I married the kindest and most generous man in the valley?" She pointed to the ledger. "You've helped Ma and Pa way more than you made out."

She was a quicker study than he'd expected. "Now you've discovered the main reason why I've stalled teaching you the books. I wanted to keep this private for your pa's sake. I have no doubt he'll pay it all back in time."

She stood and stepped into his arms. "Josiah Richardson, will I ever be able to repay your kindness?"

He encircled her petite body, pressed against him, with both pleasure and agony.

He didn't want repayment. He longed for love. For now, he would take the hug. Beggars could not be choosers.