Chapter 3 - Ash

Jesse settled into my routine quickly. He was prompt, attentive, and I found him to be both thoughtful and witty. Even though we interacted minimally, I enjoyed having him around on both a professional and personal level.

About a month into his employment, when I came to collect my last client and Jesse let me know they had gotten stuck at work and rescheduled, I found myself speaking without thinking, something I rarely did.

"I know you likely don't have spare time as you have studying to do, but you've been here about a month now, and I don't know much about you. Do you want to grab some dinner downstairs before we head out since we'd planned to be here another hour anyway?"

The ground floor of my office building contained a few shops and a small café. He looked surprised and blushed, something I"d found he often did.Something I found myself enjoying perhaps a bit too much. When he paused instead of answering, I felt panic rise. Of course he didn't want to socialize with me, he was busy, and he was going to be a doctor, he had far better people to spend time with. I shook my head quickly, a bit embarrassed that he'd have to try and come up with an excuse.

"Never mind. I don't want you to feel pressured by your boss. It was a spur of the moment suggestion."

His hand reached out a few inches in my direction and he shook his head as well.

"No, no. I was just surprised. I'd actually really like that."

I was startled at the way my heart raced."Excellent, let me get dressed and we'll head out."

My regular table was open, and we were barely settling in when a waitress arrived.

"Hey gorgeous, who is this also gorgeous thing you've brought?" she asked. I was a regular here, and she was my usual waitress.

"This is Jesse, my new assistant." I kept my reply short.

She offered her hand and introduced herself. "Cherie. It certainly is a pleasure to meet you."

While she was at least twenty years my senior, she was a shameless flirt who never passed up an opportunity. Her introduction was dripping with innuendo. Jesse's face turned bright red. I wasn't sure I'd ever seen him quite that color. Probably straight then if Cherie's flirting affected him that easily. Shame. Why in the world did I care how her flirting affected him?

She turned back to me and continued without pause. "For a split second I thought the world had ended, I was going to win my bet with the staff, and you were actually here with a date."

I didn't date. No one wanted to date a guy who fucked people for a living, but somehow having that pointed out to Jesse made me uncomfortable. I attempted a semi-pained smile.

"Eh, you know me, Cherie. Not going to happen."

She clucked at me. "I know, I know…but it's a shame."

Over the years she'd taken a profound personal interest in my lack of love life.

"You want coffee, lovelies?" she continued, either unaware of or unconcerned by my annoyance.

"Yes, please." We answered in unison.

Cherie smiled at me in a way I didn't particularly appreciate as she set a menu in front of Jesse and went to get our coffee. It felt smug somehow, as if she didn't quite believe that he was nothing more than my assistant. As Jesse examined the menu, he noticed I didn't have one and raised an eyebrow in question.

"I'm here a lot." I chuckled.

We placed our orders and settled into conversation. There were a few awkward moments as we both tried to fill the air with everyday small talk, but when I asked about his family,he lit up and rambled for quite some time.

"Well, my grandparents started a small farmafter the rebuilding. They had fourkids, but my dad was the only one who decided to stay on the farm. He married mom when they were in their twenties and had three kids. Both of my siblings have chosen to stay on at the farm. It's a good-sized operation now with my parents and grandparents, as well as my sister"s and brother's families. My brother has a partner but no kids, and my sister is married with her second on the way."

I was dumbfounded. Marriage was an old-fashioned tradition that very few people engaged in these days. After the war there were so few people left that having children with more than one partner was encouraged. It eventually became common practice that serious relationships typically lasted five to sevenyears. Long enough for whichever partner wanted children to make it past the toddler stage as a couple and become stable on their own.

"Most of your family is married?" I asked incredulously.

He laughed. "I know, I know, it's a bit weird. But it's how I was raised, so it seems normal to me."

"So, when you date someone, you just…assume it's…forever?"

It was a foreign concept, but I found myself wondering what that would be like; to have someone forever. To have someone who cared enough about who you were that they'd genuinely decided to stand by you no matter what came your way. I found myself lost in thethoughtfor long enough that when I looked up, Jesse seemed a bit concerned as he asked, for what turned out to be the third time,

"Ash? You ok?"

I snapped back to reality, embarrassed that I'd disappeared into my own thoughts in the middle of a conversation.

"Yeah, sorry. I was just sort of…thinking about that."

An expression I couldn"t place, one I'd never seen before, crossed his face momentarily, but he quickly redirected the conversation.

"Tell me about your family."

I felt my brow furrow before I could stop it. What would this guy, with hisgiant happy family, think of my history? Yet, before I could stop myself, it all just fell out. I hadn't intended to be so open with him. I never spoke about my personal life. Who would I tell?

"I never knew any grandparents. My parents took themore customary approach. Dad wanted kids and mom agreed. They had two of us a couple years apart and I have a younger sister, Abbie. After eightyears together, mom left, and dad raised us until he passed away. I was eighteen, and Abbie was fifteen at the time. I didn't want her falling into government custody, so I adopted her. I didn't have much education and couldn't find much work. So," I sighed at the admission. "I took my first client illegally. I worked that way for a couple of years before realizing I enjoyed it and was good enough to make a career of it, and started working on the Guild requirements I could complete from a distance. Three weeks before her eighteenthbirthday, Abbie found out what I'd been doing and that I planned to continue. She didn't care for itand took off. I spent months looking for her, but there wasn't a trace. Eventually I gave up and left to do the year of onsite training the Guild requires."

His eyes had changed as I talked. They were paler; almost golden, and his gaze was soft. Deep behind those eyes, there was something I couldn't quite place. Maybe it was kindness, or sadness; but more than likely, it was pity. I couldn't bear to meet his gaze any longer and I found myself looking down and picking at my food. I wasn't this person. I don't know what he did to me. I was ok with my past, and confident in myself and the life I'd built.

I rambled some more in an attempt to continue avoiding whatever it was I'd felt when he'd stared into my soul as I'd spoken.

"Once I had a bit of money, I hired someone to try and find her."

Sharing how that had gone would certainly make things even more uncomfortable between us. I glanced up briefly, still avoiding his gaze and smiled as best as I could.

"I keep tabs on her, and I know she's ok. I send a birthday gift every year. It's always returned unopened, but at least she knows I'm alive, and maybe if she ever needs anything she'll know where to find me."

I shrugged softly and adopted a brighter affect as I shifted the topic.

"Anyway, I've been in the city for fifteen years, bought a little house a couple years ago, business is good, and life is simple."

As I forced myself to glance up, his fingers slid across the table and just for a moment, the tips of them brushed across my forearm so lightly that perhaps he hadn't really touched me. My heart raced. That had never happened to me before. Someone else's touch had never done that.

He shook his head and started talking. "Ash…I don't…I mean…"

I pulled my arm away and shook my head, cutting him off. "Seriously Jess, I'm happy with my life."

Whatever he was feeling for me; it hurt.

"Just giving you the same background you gave me." I tried to smile a bit more sincerely.

As he nodded and offered a sweet smile, I fought hard to return it. I was lonely. I hadn't felt lonely since Abbie left twentyyears ago.

Cherie chose that moment to come over. "Anything else boys?" she asked in her perpetually happy tone.

We both looked up at her andspoke in unison again. "No. Thanks." She nodded as I continued. "On my account, please."

"You got it, love." she said as she patted my shoulder and walked away.

Jesse began to argue. "You don't have to…"

I held up my hand and cut him off. "Business expense."

He furrowed his brow but allowed it. As we headed out, I smiled at him as normally as I could. "See you Tuesday, Jess."

He returned the smile. "Tuesday."

Something had changed between us, and I wasn't sure it was a good thing. I didn't want his pity. I sighed to myself as I made my way to the train station, wondering how I'd made such a mess of things simply by asking him to join me for dinner.