Chapter 27

CHAPTER 27

Jen

I rushed back into my room and shut the door behind me. Pressing my back against it, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I was braced against the door, like something, or someone, was about to follow me in. I exhaled when I realized that was crazy. Sheppard wouldn't force his way in here. I was safe to worry over what'd happened in peace.

Opening my eyes, I saw Laura was sitting on her bed looking at me quizzically. Okay, maybe not in peace. The look on Laura's face meant she was spooling up to give me shit.

"Rough night?" she asked, grinning.

"Shut up," I whispered, covering my face with both hands. Why did I run? Why did I always do things like this to myself? Mark wasn't like the others, I knew that. I just couldn't bring myself to face him.

"Um, did you know…your top is on inside-out?" she teased, a mischievous grin forming across her face.

"Shut. Up," I said again, still hiding behind my hands. As if that was going to fix anything. I'd have to face up to it sooner or later. I could feel her mocking grin.

"And you smell like sex."

"Shut up!" I didn't yell, so much as plead to her. "Ughh!" I huffed and made my way over to my bed. I started stripping out of my clothes and stuffing them quickly into my laundry sack.

" Who did you do?" she asked, hopping off her bed and following me. She was grinning from ear to ear. She knew, but she wanted me to admit it was Mark.

Laura liked to cut loose every once in a while and she had no problem telling me all about her sexual escapades, even after she got married, but I never had stories to tell her in return. What had happened tonight wasn't like me. I was career focused, driven, and boring, if you believed what Laura said. Having sex out on the flightline wasn't something the normal me would do. But there was nothing normal about this connection I had with Mark.

I reached up and pulled my curtain closed. "Get away from me you jerk. I'm trying to get changed."

"You little slut. What happened?" she asked, pulling the curtain open and poking her head through. There was no judgment in her voice. In fact, she was thrilled for me, it was written all over her face. "It was him wasn't it? Sheppard?" She waggled her eyebrows at me, and I looked up at her in my best ‘not amused' look.

She went bug eyed. "Holy shit! You did! You fucked him. Oh my God, did you come? How many times? How big was his dick? Does it curve to the side or stand straight up? Was it as hot as you imagined it'd be? You must have been thinking about this, right?"

I sat on my bed and covered my face again. "Better," I squeaked.

She burst through the curtain and shoved my shoulder. It was sort of how men slapped each other on the ass after making a goal in a sporting event. Laura gave me an evil grin and raised her eyebrows, "Better?" She raised them up and down again. "I've always kind of wondered what Shep was packing under that uniform, professionally speaking of course," she said wistfully.

Ignoring the last comment, I focused on her question. I tried to contain my excitement, "He just…took control. He was rough, but caring, gentle, and forceful all at the same time. He didn't ask me any questions, he just…did what he wanted. I just gave in to him. I've never let go of control before, not like that. It was...amazing."

Her face changed to a knowing smirk. "So, this really was your first time with a Man ."

I could hear the capital letter in her voice. I knew what she meant. I opened my mouth to give a rebuttal but nothing came out.

"Boys. And man-children, that's all you've ever had before. No wonder you're so shocked. The bar has been set so low. That's all you've known. Now you've felt the touch of an honest to god man and you panicked." She put her hand on my shoulder sympathetically.

Dammit she was right. That's exactly what I'd done. My babbling excuse to him afterward ran through my head and my skin flushed with embarrassment. On the heels of that came stubbornness. I decided it was better to double down.

"It was a mistake. I can't be doing this out here. I worked too hard to just… I can't have people thinking I'm some slut, fucking my way through deployment."

Laura looked down at me. She grabbed my hands and pulled me upright. "Bullshit. You like him. It's that simple. Who cares what people think? You could have something here. Something real. Something with him. But if you push him away, like you have every other guy who has gotten close to you, you're going to end up alone. Sweetie, listen." She sat next to me as I sank back down onto my bed again. She nudged my shoulder with hers, so I'd look up and meet her eyes. "You're a grown-ass woman. You're allowed to have sex. You're allowed to like sex, for fuck's sake. You think all these guys aren't running around getting as much tail as they can?"

She glared at me when I opened my mouth to tell her that was my point, people would think I was giving it up to everyone. "Bullshit," she said again, as she interrupted me. I didn't have to say it for her to know my thoughts. "First off, no one is going to hear a damn thing. Only three of us know what happened. I'm sure as shit not telling anyone. I know you won't. And Jen, he isn't the kind of guy who would go mouthing off about his conquests. Hell, we've been here a while now, and I haven't heard a peep about him. Zero rumors." Her eyes widened again, as though that was inconceivable.

"The guy doesn't go around banging every chick who floats through here. I really think he has a thing for you." She glanced over at me because I had gone back to staring at the floor. "I know for a fact you like him. Grow some balls and tell him." I glared at her, but she was already up and walking back to her bunk. "I'm so happy for you, Jen. I won't say anything, of course. Can't have you two getting in trouble. You'll work it out once you're stateside."

I shook my head and grabbed my towel. I slipped on my flip flops and headed for the door. "I'm taking a shower. Then I'm going to bed." I thought that would be the end of it.

"Good, you smell like shame and cum. When you get back you can tell me the juicy bits."

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to get the surprised look on Mark's face out of my head. He probably thought I was insane with the way I'd just taken off. I sighed and hurried through my shower routine.

Once I was back in our room, I tried to go to sleep. I was pretty sure I was about to relive our sex scene over and over in my dreams tonight.

"Good night, Ho," Laura's sleepy voice drifted over to me, and I chuckled before closing my eyes and forcing thoughts of Mark out of my head.

I woke up to a knock on my door. Stumbling out of bed, I walked past Laura's empty bunk and realized that she must have started her shift already. I opened the door and stepped right into a wall. Only, it was a hard, muscular, wall. I stepped back with a curse and realized I was face to face with Mark. Last night's adventure came screaming back to me. I blinked a few times, then tried to form a sentence. He looked at me, his expression saying ‘we need to talk'.

"It's fine" I said, before he could start. "It's not a big deal, we can just-" He interrupted by stepping inside and closing the door behind him. "Just come on in then," I choked out, feeling lame. Just what I needed. I hadn't even brushed my teeth yet, let alone run a brush through my hair.

He reached his hand out and gently grabbed my wrist before I had the chance to back up and create distance between us. It was like he was inside my head. As though he knew what I was going to do before I did it.

I could feel a whole body blush starting. I wanted those hands to never let go. He looked at me with those bright, hazel eyes. My knees were buckling under his gaze. I had to stand firm. "Jen, talk to me. What happened last night?"

"What do you mean, ‘what happened?' You got mad and stalked over to the aircraft and then..." I let the accusation hang as I gestured towards his crotch.

Right, because you had nothing to do with last night, coward.

He took a slow breath and closed his eyes for a second. It was clear he was suppressing the urge to roll them at my obvious bullshit. He opened them again and this time looked like he was considering something crazy. He gave me a sideways glance. "Is this because I didn't play with your tits?"

My hands shot up to my breasts, covering each with my palms. " What? No! What do my breasts have to do with this?"

His expression changed briefly to shock, but he covered it with a smile. "I...I don't...I meant they're nice. They're great. I just got a little caught up last night and didn't touch them. It's not like I didn't want to."

I moved my hands and folded my arms more protectively over them. "You're not touching my breasts. What... where is this coming from?"

He looked to the side for a second, and then shook his head. "Nothing, nowhere." He shook his head and muttered under his breath "Fucking Brady. Last time I listen to him." Then he refocused on me. "I just want to know what happened. I thought...we had something."

"Well we don't, or we shouldn't. I don't know, just...go away. I need space."

His eyes softened again. Oh God, why did I say that? He looked hurt. He was hurt. And dammit he was respecting my demands. Since when does he listen to anyone else? Why was he starting now?

"Alright, if that's the way you want to play it," he said, narrowing his eyes. His jaw tightened in suppressed frustration. He was pissed, but keeping it contained. After an uncomfortable moment watching me, he turned and let himself out. I sat back on my bed and buried my face into my hands.

"Why, why do you keep doing this to yourself?" The last thing I'd actually wanted was for him to walk away. I just didn't know how to do this—any of it. I didn't know how to have a healthy relationship. I was beginning to think about what that might look like with a man like Mark. His willingness to do as I asked showed what an amazing guy he was. The way he took me when he wanted me still made me ache to my core. It terrified me. He terrified me. I knew if I gave into him—and oh, how I wanted to—he'd have the power to crush me beyond all recognition. Scott and what he did to me would look like child's play if Mark ever decided to discard me.

I stared sullenly at the door, unsure of what to do. I wanted to run after him and fix this. He didn't deserve me lashing out at him because I was confused and scared. That's exactly what I'd done and I knew it. I didn't have the courage to go to him right now, though. So instead, I sat there and berated myself for being a coward. Eventually, Mark would give up on me and I'd ultimately get what I was asking for. I just wasn't sure why that idea made me unbearably sad. Loneliness welled up inside of me as tears dripped down my cheeks.