Chapter 22

CHAPTER 22

Jen

T he last few weeks were so busy that by the time we moved back to our main base at Mazar it felt like a small vacation. If you weren't flying, you were sleeping. That was it. Missions and sleep. We got back to MES and had a day given to us to get cleaned up, rest, fix, and restore our equipment, before getting back on the main rotation.

Santos had bumped into us at the laundry and told us they, the Apache crews, were having another bonfire tonight. They finally caught a break and wanted to celebrate. I was hesitant to go; I still really hadn't talked to Mark since I kissed him. We'd only had a few brief conversations since Pamir, but Santos convinced me to go, so I told Nick and the girls and we headed over.

I found myself sitting next to Brady, and on the other side of him were Mark and Ty. I tried to keep some distance between us, anything to avoid Mark's gaze. The more I got to know him, the harder it was becoming to keep my distance. On top of being gorgeous and sexy, he was a good man. I could almost believe that he wasn't like my ex, and that I could trust him. But what if I was wrong?

Looking over at Ty, I asked, "So, did you get your high value target? The guy that planned the attack on Pamir?"

"Useless fucking intel!" Brady shouted. I jumped at his sudden outburst and frowned at him.

Ty groaned in agreement. "It was a bust. We didn't have high hopes to begin with. Intel came from the feds."

"Feds? Like CIA?"

"Worse, FBI. CIA is bad enough, they always give us shit intel. Anytime the FBI gets involved it always goes sideways."

"Last fucking time we burned down a whole village." Brady interrupted. Although the way he said it sounded like he was proud of the fact.

"The village was mostly empty," Mark clarified. It was the first he had spoken since I joined them. I met his eyes finally. He stared into mine for a moment longer than was comfortable, before continuing the story. "The village only had shitheads in it, no civilians. It was supposed to be a simple snatch and grab and yeah, it ended with every building there on fire."

Ty nodded along in agreement. "That's the feds for you. Their intel always sucks. You can count on the exact opposite of whatever they say. We spent the last week kicking in doors and found nothing except angry women. Can't blame them, I would be pissed if someone kicked down my door, too."

There was an awkward silence after that. No one had anything to add and the tension between Mark and I was becoming visible. I fidgeted nervously with the ring I had put on my finger. Brady shot me an intrigued look. "Didn't notice that before. What's your husband do? Is he a soldier, too?"

It didn't escape my notice that Brady was asking, but Mark was very clearly listening in. I stared down into the fire and shifted on my seat.

"Uh no. No husband. No fiancé either." I put my right hand on the ring and spun it around, embarrassment heating my face when I saw Brady and Mark exchange a look. I hadn't been wearing it since I'd gotten out here. I saw it on my nightstand this morning and put it back on. I didn't know what possessed me to start back up. Maybe subconsciously I was trying to warn Mark off. It seemed I had a hard time resisting the man on my own. "I've been wearing this for quite a while, mostly to keep people from getting ideas."

After the very public breakup between Scott and I a few years ago, I'd taken to wearing the simple gold band. It was a constant reminder to me not to get involved again. Not that I really needed it. Scott had burned the reminder into my mind by causing a scene in front of our entire battalion. I'd been mortified. Dating men from work was always a bad idea. I'd known it then, but had let Scott convince me otherwise.

Brady nodded, as though he understood. Mark's silence made me cringe internally. Laura of course had to chime in. "Yeah, cause your icy heart and resting bitch face really leaves men banging at your door." Her laugh echoed loud enough that they probably heard it outside the perimeter walls.

I snapped my head toward her, giving her a sharp look that said in no uncertain terms that I'd pay her back for the comment. She gave me a toothy grin; it was more of a dare. All I could do was shake my head and laugh at myself. Laura was who she was. She'd never change. I wasn't really sure I wanted her to. She was the one who always managed to keep me from being too serious all the time.

She laughed and winked at me. I turned back to Brady, pretending like I hadn't heard her wise crack. The smug look on Mark's face said that he agreed with Laura. His deep chuckle grated on my nerves. I cleared my throat and kept talking to Brady, ignoring the other two.

"Ahem, what about you? Married? Someone waiting for you back home?" This got an even bigger laugh from Sheppard. Brady looked at me for a moment like I had just asked him to sever his own arm.

"Marriage ain't for me. I'm too old for that shit now. You meet a woman my age, she's already damaged goods. Like I need more damage in my life." He chuckled. I must have been giving him my unamused expression, Resting Bitch Face, as Laura put it, because he rushed to explain. "Look, you're a woman, right?"

"Last I checked," I said, in disbelief that he'd asked me that. But as usual with Brady, it was impossible not to hear him out just to see where it was going. Morbid curiosity was his guardian angel.

"At least someone checked…" Laura whispered to me. I gave her a mock glare and she choked back her grin.

"Clearly this," he moved his hands up and down, gesturing to himself, "isn't normal. Probably toxic. In spite of that I've dated a lot of women—all crazy. They would have to be. Either crazy is drawn to me or I'm drawn to crazy. Or maybe I make them crazy... Doesn't matter either way. I've come to figure out that sometime between the ages of twenty and twenty-four, something tragic happens to all broads that leaves them simply undateable. I don't fight it. It's unavoidable. So now I strive to be that tragic event."

Laura and I stared at him quietly, blinking in shock. Then, Laura threw her empty cup at him and laughed uncontrollably. Everyone else laughed hard too, and I chuckled along with them. What Brady said stung a little though, because it was true for me. Laura was the only one who knew.

I was twenty-four when Scott, my boyfriend in flight school, or at least I thought he was my boyfriend, broke it off with me. Although, I guess that's not exactly accurate. You can't break up with someone if you're not dating to begin with. I thought I was building a relationship. Thought we were building a future. Scott, on the other hand, just said one horrible thing after another before landing the final blow. All in front of my peers and superiors. It was tragic and a bit traumatizing and it had left me with a lot of scars. I didn't trust easily anymore and I'd distanced myself from men as much as possible. Thus the ring I tended to wear, and the trouble I had believing a man was interested in me.

One day I'd have to get past my issues, or I'd end up alone. That wasn't something I wanted, but how was a woman supposed to forget what had happened to her before? How was I supposed to trust myself or someone like Mark enough to take that chance?

"You're just a place for me to dump cum before I go out on the weekends." Scott's last words to me echoed in my mind. The hurt wasn't there anymore, I'd long since gotten over that. It still stung my pride that he'd played me so thoroughly, though. He hadn't acted like I was a fling in the beginning. He'd worked hard to woo me.

I don't think I'd ever cried as hard as I did that night. Not before or since. Three years dating him, except not really. I was dating him. Apparently, he wasn't dating me . He'd just been stringing me along. As soon as he got his chance at a different duty assignment, he took it and didn't think twice about me. And I never saw it coming. I still don't know how I got played so badly. Then the bastard had the audacity to approach me in Bagram and act like I was being unreasonable for not wanting to be around him.

The worst part of it? Brady was one-hundred percent right. Since then what has my love life looked like? I waited until I had my transfer orders to a new base and then started dating. Meet someone for a few months and then put in for another transfer and moved across the country. Leaving them behind before it got serious. Always civilians, though. I hadn't dated a soldier since Scott. I'd learned my lesson. Better to leave them than to have another Scott tear me down like that.

Just run away. That's what I excelled at. That was my brand of crazy, as Brady would put it. Pathetic. I let one asshole hurt me and spent the years since then running away, so I couldn't be hurt again. I glanced over to Mark. And what are you doing now? Running away again. I changed the subject, though it wasn't as easy to wrangle in my errant thoughts. Before I could ask anything else, Brady stood and walked away. I cut a questioning look at Mark.

Sheppard just shrugged. "Brady's like that. He's not big on talking about relationships. I wouldn't worry about it."

He wasn't the only one. I stared at the fire, but watched Mark out of the corner of my eye. Don't ask. Don't ask. Don't-

"So how about you? Anyone waiting at home?" The groan echoed through my mind as I asked the one thing I really shouldn't. The last thing I should be doing is finding out more about him. Mark didn't seem like the type to flirt with someone while deployed if he had someone waiting for him, but you never knew. There were all kinds in the military.

His brows drew low over his eyes and that intense stare he had pinned me in place. I met the look head on. I'd asked after all.

"No." With that he also got up and left me and Laura sitting by the fire.

I blinked in confusion, then glanced over only to see her sitting there with a disappointed look on her face. "What did I say?"

She sighed. "Mark is… not the kind of guy you're used to, Jen. He's certainly not Scott. He wouldn't be giving you time or attention if he was with someone else."

That was pretty much what I'd suspected. "Okay…"

"Asking him that was a hit to his honor. That's one thing you'll learn about him. He holds his reputation and his honor above most everything else. You won't hear anyone around here say a bad word about him."

"I wasn't trying to imply-"

"I know," she said, cutting me off. "You didn't mean it that way. I know you well enough to know two things. One, you're trying to figure out if he really is into you, or if it's all in your head." Her blue eyes met mine. "Let me put that to rest. He's into you. Like for real, go the distance kind of relationship."

I felt my face heat up. Having someone point blank tell me that to my face made my heart race, but worried me at the same time. "And the second thing?"

"You're self-sabotaging."

My jaw dropped and I glared at her.

"Scowl all you want," she said with a shrug. "I've seen you do it a lot over the years." She stood and stared down at me with a soft look on her face. "I love you like a sister. I want you to be happy." Her eyes strayed over to where Sheppard had disappeared into the dark. "He could do that for you. He could give you everything you've ever wanted, but you have to let him in. Think about that."

As she strode off, leaving me sitting with a group of people, yet feeling completely alone, I thought about her words. She wasn't wrong. I just wasn't willing to admit it to anyone. I wasn't sure I could forget the harsh lesson Scott had taught me, or the resulting habits I'd formed in order to protect myself.

I sighed and rested my chin in my hands, staring at the dancing flames as the others laughed around me.