Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18

Jen

T wo days later we were gathered in the Apache office again. Our MEDEVAC helicopter was down for routine maintenance. Rather than send a replacement helicopter, a temporary replacement crew had been sent from Bagram with their own helicopter. The repairs were only supposed to take a day, so it turned out to be easier to have another crew cover for us while our bird was fixed. It gave me the night off.

It had been two days since I had seen Mark. Two days had been enough time for me to cool down and completely convince myself of my plan to stay friendly, but aloof to anything personal with Mark. Or so I thought. Mark had just come back from the gym. There wasn't much to do in our downtime, so the men worked out—a lot.

And you missed those gorgeous arms lifting again .

I used the gym anytime the Apache crews weren't in there. I couldn't afford to watch the object of my desires sweating as he threw around heavy weights. My will power wasn't that strong.

He was still in his gym clothes, again, a small consolation prize. As nice as the uniform looked on him, his workout uniform gave me a good look at all that tanned muscle. His shirt was hugging his chest so tightly that I could make out his pecs. If I couldn't see him topless, this made a nice second.

The night crew was out already—they were working out west— supporting Laura's husband and his team in another operation. It was nice having the office less crowded, I almost got to have Mark to myself. That gave me a dark thrill even though I was supposed to be detaching myself from him. Didn't mean I couldn't pine from afar, right?

Jim was telling stories about his son, James Junior. He was so proud of his son, so excited to be on deployment with him. It was just so…sweet. I wished I could have the same relationship with my mother. I'd long ago given up on that.

Junior had left for Pamir yesterday. Jim was scheduled to go in the next few days along with the rest of their units. He was the center of attention, allowing me to sneak peeks over at Sheppard. Maybe this would be enough to get me through this deployment. Being close-by, but not too near. I couldn't risk getting within arm's reach. He'd reel me in and I'd likely let him.

Jim was mid-story when one of the radio operators from the Operations Center burst into the room. The door slammed into the wall, causing everyone to tense. Most of the people here were used to being shot at, so loud noises tended to put them into predator mode. It was fascinating to watch. A mask dropped down over Mark's face as he stood. Muscles flexed and bunched as he started toward the kid standing in the doorway. The kid swallowed hard, panic written all over his face. My stomach dropped down into my boots as he uttered three words. Those words would live in all our nightmares for a while.

"Pamir's under attack."

Everything went slow and silent. I turned to Jim, his face was a blank mask, but his eyes… He was terrified. I looked back to Mark, or where Mark had been. He was gone. So were Brady, Artie, and Laura. How had they disappeared so quickly? Mark had been by the door, near the kid, but everyone else had been sitting. I looked around at the worried and frustrated faces. None of us could help from here.

My hands started to shake, my heart was beating furiously in my chest. Why was I so scared right now? I didn't know Jim or his son, not really, but that didn't matter. They were all my brothers. I tried to pull myself together. Some of my training kicked in. My legs decided that standing was a good idea, and they brought me into the Ops Center. Jim had made his way too, and before I knew it I was standing next to him.

There was already a MEDEVAC team on standby. They were talking on a different channel than the main frequency. Getting into my helicopter and getting my ass over there was an urge that was hard to ignore, but ultimately I needed to. I'd just be in the way. My bird wasn't made for gunfights. There wasn't much I could do unless they needed the injured evacuated, and they already had someone for that. Helplessness settled on my shoulders, but I forced myself to stand and wait.

On the big screen was the video from a drone circling over Pamir. It kept panning its camera around from, one corner of the compound to the next, as insurgents gathered in a group and kept trying to maneuver to a weak point in the base's defenses. The drone was making calls over the radio, probably to the men on the ground. It all faded to a murmur in the background.

Jim was an absolute model of calmness. In a time when I felt like I was spinning out of control he was cool and detached. He wasn't shaking, or pacing. He stood perfectly still and stared at the screen. His face however, was pale. He watched without comment.

Someone asked, "Where's Junior?" To my surprise, the words had come from my mouth.

He pointed to a cluster of fuel trucks. "He'll be there. The mechanics set up next to the fuelers. The men are manning the wall on the east side. That's where he is." His voice didn't waver or crack, but I could see the terror still there in his eyes.

I reached out and put my hand on his shoulder. I didn't say anything. There was nothing I could tell him right now. Nothing but knowing his son was safe would comfort him and there wasn't anything else for me to do. The hand of a friend was the only thing I could offer. His shoulders relaxed slightly under my palm.

"Maybe we should go," Sarah suggested. I hadn't realized that she had followed us in. We watched the insurgents begin firing as they made their move. She gave a slight tug of his arm. He didn't budge. I couldn't blame him. Not knowing what was happening was probably worse than watching it. Nothing was going to make this father leave the one place he could watch over his son. She stopped tugging and went back to silently watching.

"I promised his mother that I wouldn't let him out of my sight." With that he confirmed what I already knew. Nothing was going to take him away from that screen.

I don't know how long we stood there. People were moving in and out of the Ops Center, asking questions and making radio calls. I didn't hear any of it. The sound from both people and radios was mostly a buzzing sound. I was fixated on the video feed. My hand was still on Jim, but I could barely tell it was there. The world around us had dropped off and all that was left was the screen.

They were holding the attackers back, but it seemed that as soon as one area was under control, more would show up on the other side. The feeling of inevitability was creeping in. They were outnumbered. At some point the attackers will… I couldn't bring myself to finish the thought. I just watched. The silence seemed endless. Stretching out for what felt like hours.

Through the din and chaos something caught my attention. Something out of place in all the commotion. Static at first, then a voice. His voice.

"Godfather six, Archer zero-nine. Three-minute ETA. Need you to identify the nearest threat." With that transmission I was slammed back into reality. The noise of the Ops Center was back at full volume.

I knew he'd left. That he and his crew had run to the aircraft, no questions asked. No "Are you sure?" or, "What do we do?" They just ran. Straight to the danger. Nothing but action. I knew it all, but I was so absorbed in the fight, so scared for Jim and Junior that it never occurred to me that help was on the way.

The drone shifted the center of its camera to a group of seven men nearing the perimeter wall. It was close to the tower that Junior was in. A moment later there was an explosion. The seven attackers had seemingly vanished. That was what happened when a hellfire missile, shot from an Apache, hit you. You vanished. A dark smile grew on my face. These insurgents were about to learn that they'd made the biggest mistake of their lives tonight. The only mistake they'd ever make again. The tightness in my chest eased the tiniest bit.

The camera jumped to another group. Five men. Again, an explosion. Godfather, the drone, was designating targets for the Apaches. Mark and his team were wiping them out. Big groups first, followed by the small groups.

I breathed what might have been the largest sigh of relief of my life. In minutes, the Apaches had turned the tide of this attack. Jim sat down, but kept watching. He must have been emotionally exhausted. However, he was noticeably relieved, as well. The color had returned to his face. I stayed through the whole fight. Watching as the drone picked out targets one by one, and how Mark and his team engaged them, swiftly and efficiently. When they were out of missiles, they used rockets. When they were out of rockets, they used the guns. They fought until they were out of ammo. And still Mark and his team didn't leave them.

The night crew was already on the way. They had finished their mission and were headed to relieve Mark. Being out of ammo didn't mean a thing. Just like with Jim, nothing but the next crew arriving was going to force Mark and his team to leave. They made low passes to scare the remaining forces into hiding, or to draw fire away from the base. They took the risk onto themselves, so that the more vulnerable on the ground wouldn't come under fire.

My throat closed up, nearly choking me with emotion. They would do whatever was necessary for our brothers on the ground to live through this. Once again, I was reminded of the difference between him and my ex. Scott had never seen combat, and as an officer he wasn't likely to. Something told me he wouldn't use himself to hold off an attack for anyone else's sake.

The whole time Mark was the epitome of calm and collected, his voice reassuring over the radio. No cursing, no excitement. It was exactly what was needed. The ground forces, moments ago facing being overrun, were brought to his level of calm. His deep, gravelly, voice kept his team under control, and it seemed to work on everyone listening within the Ops Center as well. Including me. Especially me.

The chaos had died down. Everyone was communicating in even, undisturbed tones. No one was talking over each other on the radio, cutting off transmission. How could you do anything but respect a man who was able to take control of a situation like that? To help others perform at their peak, instead of dissolving into disarray?

I'd been on the receiving end of that calm voice, but I hadn't appreciated what it was he did. The effect that the Apaches had on the battle space was absolute. It was final. No wonder the Green Berets and the others were so excited to have them on their missions. When an Apache team was overhead it brought in a level of reassurance that no one else could match. A sense of impending victory. That's why Jim was sitting down, relaxed. It's why I was beginning to loosen up.

The fight wasn't over. Not by a long shot. There was still danger to the men in Pamir, but the sense of helplessness was gone. I watched as the second team came in. Mark was on his way back to rearm and return to the fight.

I stayed with Jim until the battle was over. I heard on our radios that Mark was back at our base, refueling before shutting down. Still I waited until Jim got a call from Junior. It had calmed down enough that Junior was able to get onto the radio and tell Jim that everything was okay. Jim sent me an appreciative look as he answered the call. It was all that was needed. I left him to speak with his son in relative privacy.

Before I knew it my feet had brought me outside, walking out to the aircraft parking area. The cool night air blowing over me helped bring my nerves down to a normal setting. I was on autopilot, going where my heart was leading. That pesky organ had taken over my legs. Soon enough I was on the flightline, walking toward Mark. I found him at his helicopter, tying it down. He was still in his gym clothes. He'd never bothered to change into his uniform. There hadn't been time. I knew for a fact if he'd been sleeping when that call had come in, he'd be out here in his birthday suit if that's what was required.

A look of surprise flashed over his face as he turned and caught sight of me. "Oh, hey Jen, uh Captain, didn't hear you coming."

After my last disappearing trick the awkwardness between us was creeping back in. I could tell because he wasn't sure what to call me. My plan, my determination, keeping my distance, none of that mattered right now. As someone who rushed into dangerous situations to help those most vulnerable, I recognized that quality in him as well. He did it differently than me, by going on the offensive, while I was more of a defensive player, but we were both on the same team. A level of connection I'd never experienced before was thrumming through me, and I couldn't do anything but listen to what my heart was urging me to do.

I opened my mouth to respond, to tell him how amazing he'd been. That I was so grateful he'd helped those men and women at that base tonight. How I hadn't realized just what he'd done for me, for my crew, for everyone they flew for, until now. I wanted to tell him a lot of things. I said nothing. It all got stuck in my throat.

Unable to voice my feelings, I threw my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his. He tensed under me as our mouths touched, but otherwise we both remained motionless. I didn't know who was more surprised, him or me. His lips were firm against mine, and if I hadn't been so shocked that my body had reacted without my mind's permission, I would've melted into the heat of his body.

Slowly, his arms crept around me, holding me tightly against his chest. He took control of the kiss and fitted his lips against mine more securely. He was moving slowly, giving me a chance to change my mind. I should, but I'd wondered for so long how this would feel, that I couldn't bring myself to break it off early. This might be the only chance I would get to kiss Mark and now that I was here, I was going to take advantage of it.

My body softened, melting against his. He was all hard planes of muscles. His lips brushed once, twice, over mine as he rubbed our mouths together. A deep rumble vibrated through me as he groaned.

One of his hands came up, gripping my chin, angling my head so he could fit us together even closer. I wasn't sure how it was possible. My heart was drumming in my ears, blocking out all sound from around us. I couldn't focus on anything but him. The arm that was wrapped around my waist tightened and I couldn't help the gasp that escaped as his tongue licked the seam of my lips.

He didn't ask for permission, his tongue invaded, filling my mouth, making me moan as every desire I'd had over the last month surfaced. The world spun as he maneuvered me around until I pressed back against cool metal.

The stark contrast between that and the heated skin underneath my fingertips kept me off balance. I was kissing him back, letting him do whatever he wanted with me. Lust sizzled through my veins, arrowing down to the juncture between my thighs. I shifted on my feet, restless and aching, and gasped again as my hard nipples brushed against his chest. The fact that I had on my t-shirt and bra meant nothing. The only thing that would feel better than rubbing myself against him would be if his mouth was on those hard points, teeth raking, tongue soothing. Oh God.

I was losing myself. It was divine, but I was losing the control I'd fought so hard for since I'd gotten here. The question was, did I care? My head dropped back as Mark broke off the kiss. His lips traced over my cheek, across my jaw and latched onto my neck. My eyes nearly crossed as he did exactly what I'd been imagining earlier. He bit the column of my neck, then brushed his tongue over the spot, easing the sting.

My pussy clenched and I rolled my head to the side, giving him more access. Giving in to the passions he stirred up inside of me. I'd deal with the fallout later. For now, I couldn't seem to stop.

A loud clanging crash as something dropped to the ground broke through the haze of my desire. We both froze, our chests brushing as we panted in each other's arms. We were listening in the dark for some threat.

Male laughter and voices floated through the air and it had the same impact on me as if Mark had tossed me in an icy lake. I jerked to the side, breaking out of his hold and moving along the side of the aircraft. What had I been thinking?

Frowning, I chided myself. I hadn't been. I'd let emotion get the better of me and had ended up tossing myself at the poor man. Not that he seemed to be complaining, but still. It was embarrassing. My cheeks were flooding with heat, as I stumbled away from him. "I-" What the hell could I even say.

Mark had released me immediately. He was watching me with that intense stare, and somehow I knew if I didn't do something he was going to grab me again and we'd be right back at it. He looked like a predator, watching its prey. Only I knew as the prey I'd enjoy every single thing that happened next.

I'd been told many times, mostly by Laura, that I was a self-saboteur when it came to relationships and love. She was right. And I wasn't in the frame of mind to make a change tonight. As much as I wanted to let Mark catch me and have his way with me, I wasn't ready. Couldn't allow it. I was doomed to get hurt if I started down that path. In my mind, this didn't count. I could still come back from this, get back on the right track.

"I… sorry, I should go." My face was on fire. Why had I kissed him? I'd told myself I was going to stay away from him, that I didn't need this out here. But my emotions had been ping-ponging around, along with the adrenaline, since the attack had started. Watching Jim quietly try to hold it together, while his youngest son was under attack, and having no way of helping, was torture. Then Mark's voice came over the radio. My feelings were a tidal wave I couldn't outrun.

As I hurried toward the barracks I glanced back and saw Mark standing where I left him. He was still as a statue, watching me. I knew that legendary control of his was the only reason he wasn't pursuing me across the tarmac. After a kiss like that, I couldn't decide if that left me disappointed or grateful. If he had this much self-restraint, what would happen to me when he lost control? Tucking a piece of hair that had slid out of my bun behind my ear, my feet matched the pace of my racing heart and I disappeared into the building.

I kept up my near run all the way back to my room. I was a bit embarrassed about running away like a coward, but not as much as I was for what I'd done. Stepping inside, I closed the door and leaned back against it. As soon as it shut my hands were up covering my face. "What the fuck did you just do?" I yelled into them.

My heart was beating a mile a minute. There would be no sleeping now. I threw on a pair of shorts and my running shoes and went back outside. I took off down the road, following what had become my normal jogging route. I needed to beat the emotions and desires that were plaguing me out of my system.

My feet pounded the pavement. I tried to think of something else, anything else, but my mind went right back to Mark's lips. His rough hands moving up my back as his tongue pushed into my mouth. My pussy was still wet from before and it wasn't helping that I was going over every second of that kiss in my mind. My nipples had hardened again, painfully brushing against cloth as I ran.

I took a deep breath and leaned forward, running faster up the hill. I rounded the corner by the chow hall and continued past the recreation room.

Oh how I wanted to get involved with some recreation activities with him. Relieve this deep seated need that was living inside me day in and day out. Dammit. Faster. I forced my legs to move quicker. If I could just run fast enough, maybe I could put that kiss far enough behind me that I could forget it.

But you don't want to forget. You want more. I turned slightly, making it to the flightline. I poured on more speed, everything I had. My run was long enough; I wasn't worried about running into anyone now. They'd all left the flightline and headed into bed. My feet were slamming against the pavement, almost loud enough to drown out my heartbeat. Almost. I tried to run faster, but there was no way for me to outrun the feelings I had for him.

I skidded to a halt near the Apache I'd been pressed up against not fifteen minutes prior. Bending over, hands on my knees, I sucked in heavy breaths. I worked on blanking out my mind. Not allowing myself to think of Mark as I straightened and walked, for the second time that night, to my room. I was at a crossroads, and I knew it. What I didn't know was what to do. If I moved forward with him, like my body wanted to, I was risking myself.

Love is always a risk. Those were Laura's words. She'd told me that once, years ago. It was no wonder I was thirty and still unmarried. When it came to love, I was a risk averse person. Was it possible to change that about myself? Did I even want to? For him? Maybe, I did. But I wasn't going to do anything tonight. I didn't allow my feet to take over this time because I knew exactly where they'd take me. I forced myself to go into my room and get ready for bed.